


The Aliens Next Door

by Poppun



Series: The Aliens Next Door [2]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Category swap AU, Character Study, Dib & Gaz are Vortians, Don't repost to other sites, Found Family, Gen, I don't normally add this but there's a website doing this that doesn't have author protection, Skoodge - Freeform, Some friendship fluff, ZADF, Zim & Gir are humans, friendship/mentorship - Freeform, some hurt and comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2020-10-31 01:14:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 131,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20783558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poppun/pseuds/Poppun
Summary: Dib is finally living his dream of traveling from Vort and exploring undiscovered planets, what was supposed to be a short stint in a human school becomes longer when he learns about the circumstances of one classmate.Zim is a stubborn child who dreams of world conquest, he says he wants Dib's Alien tech to make that happen, but maybe what he really needs is a friend





	1. Living The Dream

“Wow Gaz! Just....Wow!” The young Vortian man gasped as he pressed his light indigo face against the window of the ship, his amber eyes wide in wonder and reflecting the sea of stars as they sailed by.

“You’ve been saying that at least once a day since we left” Gaz replied curtly, not even bothering to tear her gaze away from the screen in her hand.

Dib smiled sheepishly “Sorry Gaz, I’m just so excited to finally be doing this! Traveling the universe, exploring undiscovered planets, looking for life that nobody else has seen before!”

“And you’ve said _that_ at least once a week”

“Right” Dib said, his voice losing a bit of it’s enthusiasm “I’m glad you decided to come though”

Gaz made a small noise of irritation; Dib was in one of his ‘adventure novel’ moods.

“Just you and me, brother and sister, going on an adventure together, the way we never did growing up-” at this point Gaz had enough, she had trouble understanding her brother’s idealism at the best of times, with weeks of sharing a small ship added on top of that she was on a much shorter fuse than normal.

“Dib, this trip was _your_ passion project; the only reason _I’m_ here is because all the parents in my fanbase have been asking for a game they can share with their children” Gaz stated darkly, slowly rising from her chair and crossing the room, looking like a vengeful wraith “I thought we might find something I could use as a starting point, or at the very least you and your bleeding heart would be a good sounding board, but you haven’t even been helpful as that”

“Having anatomically accurate gore doesn’t make a game educational, Gaz, it just makes it more disturbing”

The comment did nothing to slow down Gaz’s scathing monologue “We’ve been here in the middle of nowhere for weeks now and we haven’t found anything that wasn’t microscopic; at this point my tablet computer is the only thing that’s kept me from snapping one of your horns off and crushing it with my bare hands” Gaz’s face was now inches away from her brother’s, close enough that the curve of her horns nearly brushed against his face as she turned sharply to return to her seat.

Growing up, this display would have sent Dib cowering and resulted in an evening of keeping as far away from his sister as possible (how ironic that she was the warmer shade of purple); however the years had taught him to differentiate between a genuine threat from her and one meant to keep up appearances, which the majority of the ones directed at him were, he gave a small mischievous grin.

“I love too, sis”

Gaz’s eyes shot open and her head almost seemed to spin around as she looked over her shoulder and sharply turned to face her brother. Any retort she planned was cut off by the blue light that began flashing overhead and the computerised voice alerting them.

“Proximity warning, planet ahead: scans show developing civilisations”

Dib practically leapt to the control panel and began the landing sequence, his smile impossibly bright “We’re here!”

Soon the ship was cloaked and flying through one of the planet’s cities; the closest side of the planet happened to be the one facing away from the star it orbited, resulting in Dib once again pressing his face into the window like a child peering into a store’s Christmas display. Admittedly the buildings themselves were primitive compared to the ones back home, but the element of the unknown, that they were among the first of their kind to see them up close more than made up for it. As the ship flew on he noticed the buildings became smaller with more space in between and fewer people were out, signifying the change from the industrial to residential area. Finally Dib spotted an open space and landed the ship.

Once he and Gaz had exited he pulled out his own tablet to design the facade of their new home....Only to struggle for several minutes before Gaz lost patience and drew the design herself; she’d always had the better artistic abilities of the two. Within minutes the tablet had communicated it’s instructions to the cube he had placed beside the ship and a structure matching the illustration, which to Gaz’s credit did match the surrounding architecture fairly well, had been erected. As the siblings entered the house Dib silently hoped that nobody would notice that a new house had sprung up overnight, or that the garage currently housing the ship seemed to be half the size it should be on the inside.

What Dib didn’t realise was not only would the sudden appearance of his house be noticed, but had been witnessed; next door two children peered out the window at their new neighbours. “Did you see that, Gir?” the elder of the two asked.

The younger turned and smiled excitedly “I saw a squirrel!” Prompting a somewhat perturbed look from his sibling “Me and the squirrel are friends!”

“Nevermind about the squirrel, Gir!” the older child whispered harshly “Did you see the space ship?” The younger child nodded.

“The goat people!”

The older child sighed “Yes, the ‘goat people’. Do you know what this means?” he asked, the younger sibling nodded excitedly

“Yes! Maybe....nuh-uh” The older child squeezed his eyes shut in exasperation “Do you know?” it was an innocent enough question, but still managed to surprise the older boy as he wasn’t quite sure of the answer himself.

“N-Not yet” he answered before shifting back to his usual confidence and walking over to the light switch “But I am going to find out” he flicked the switch, turning off the light nearest the door, leaving the room in darkness so only his large eyes could be seen “Oh what finding out I will do”.

The dramatic mood he tried to create was promptly ruined by his younger sibling’s high pitched cheering “Yaaay!”

* * *

The next morning Gaz was sitting in the living room after a night of working on her latest project, enjoying her first opportunity in weeks to do so without Dib spoiling her dark mood. She finished at just the right time, it would seem, as shortly after she started reviewing her night of work her brother bounded up the stairs carrying two pendants.

“I finished our disguises, Gaz!” he declared proudly as he held out one with a skull shape “I was up all night making these”

Gaz looked over the edge of her tablet and noticed his disheveled appearance and the dark circles under his eyes as she took her disguise pendant “I can tell”

If Dib had heard her comment he didn’t show it as he slipped his own pendant on and activated the hologram. “Well, what do you think?”

Gaz stared at him; instead of the usual blue-ish purple his complexion varied between the warm colour of a freshly baked cinnamon roll and the pallor of an uncooked on depending on how the light hit him. The only hair he had was a dark patch on his head surrounding where his two scythe-like horns had been merged into one large crest of hair that even she, who hadn’t been paying much attention to the humans they flew past last night, could tell looked a little strange. His eyes retained their normal amber colour, but were now surrounded by a large sclera and hidden behind a pair of glasses. His outfit largely remained the same, but she noticed that he had chosen to wear knee high boots and his trench coat.

“It makes your head look big”

“Right....” Dib deflated slightly “But is it at least convincing? I wanted to be ready to go to school today”

Gaz gave him an incredulous look “What do you think you’ll learn at a school on a planet that’s barely discovered the microprocessor?”

Dib brightened up again and Gaz started to regret her question “I’m glad you asked! I did some research when I started building our disguises, and it turns out we’re about the same size as children on this planet. So I’m going to go to school here to learn more about the culture; if I look like a child nobody will be suspicious if I ask a lot of questions, and when I know enough I can just make a new disguise and start learning about different fields”

Gaz’s gaze shifted back to her screen “You’ll be bored to tears during the other classes”

Dib sighed “Could you say something a bit more helpful, like whether you think my plan is good or not?”

Gaz looked thoughtful for a moment “How many hours will you be away for?”

“About six”

“It’s a good idea”

* * *

Soon Dib was standing in front of the class, being introduced by the wraith like crone who was to be his teacher as ‘the newest hopeless appendage to the student body’. As she spoke and wrote his name on the chalkboard with screeching strokes (how fascinating that there was still a place where writing stone-on-stone survived) Dib tried his best to look friendly and to hide the nervousness he felt; despite looking very different from the one he had gone to, being in a school setting brought back memories of his own childhood, not all of which were happy.

“Dib” the teacher said “Once you take your seat you will be just another one of the countless children I’ve taught over the years and I won’t want to hear another word from you. So if you have anything to say, speak now or forever hold your peace” Dib was slightly unnerved but began to introduce himself

“Hello everyone, my name’s Dib, I’m new here” Ugh, that was stupid! They already know that, they just heard the teacher say it! “I’m a foreign transfer student, and I’m looking forward to meeting all of you and learning about your fascinating culture” Saved it. Dib mentally congratulated himself for slipping in the part about being foreign; it added an extra level of protection while technically being true. Or at least it was hard to get more foreign than being an alien.

“IT’S YOU!”

It was easy to tell which classmate had interrupted Dib’s trip to his seat, the child was currently standing on his own seat, one foot planted on the desk, and point at him dramatically. “What is it now, Zim?” the teacher hissed in a tone that implied this was far from the first time he’d disrupted the class. The boy, apparently named Zim sat back down, straightening his clothes and looking surprisingly composed considering his previous outburst moments before.

“Why nothing, Miss Bitters. Nothing at all”

Miss Bitters nodded in approval “Good”

Dib’s eagerness for the lecture to begin was dampened slightly when he heard what the subject was: outer space. Something he was fairly confident he already knew more about than anyone in the school, especially since it seemed the lecture was solely about how doomed it was, causing Dib to wonder if he perhaps chose the wrong school to add himself to; researching online there was more than one school in town and while this one spelling the word with a “K” looked right at the time, now he wasn’t so sure. And all the while he could feel himself being glared at from across the room.

“Doom Doom Doom. Now go away”

The rest of the school day wasn’t much different: Math class, English, History and Social Studies, Science, even during breaks he could feel those almost violet blue eyes boring into him. The one reprieve he got was gym class: Dib didn’t have a gym uniform and thus was excused until one could come in the mail, and Zim didn’t use the change room anyway, instead choosing to commandeer the janitorial supply closet to use as his personal change room (and earning himself several annoyed glares and muttered curses from the custodian, which he chose to ignore). It was puzzling why he’d feel the need to do this; while all the other children were in completely different outfits from before, not only was Zim still wearing his salmon coloured long sleeved shirt and black leggings, but was now wearing his gym clothes on top of them. The only thing that seemed to have changed were his tunic and shoes.

* * *

Eventually class ended and Dib prepared to go home, while he had enjoyed learning about Earth, he was eager to return home where the only person glaring at him let him be once he left the room.

“Where do you think you’re going, _Dib?_”

Dib turned around, sure enough, there he was. Despite having only been attending the school for one day he already was able to recognise Zim, partially because he’d been followed around by the boy all day, and partially because his appearance was quite distinct. Besides the unusual violet tint to his eyes and prevalence of salmon & raspberry colours in his clothes (which Dib found maddeningly familiar), and jet black hair were his complexion and stature. While most of the humans Dib had seen fell somewhere along the beige and brown spectrum, Zim’s was slightly....off, making him appear almost green under the school’s fluorescent lighting.

On top of that, he was tiny, yet somehow managed to maintain an expression of looking down on everyone else despite clearly being the shortest one in class. Currently he was compensating for this by standing on top of the staircase glaring down at the disguised alien

“‘Foreign transfer student’, hmm? Clever. But, you’re little disguise can’t fool Zim! I know how foreign a transfer student you are, Dib-goat” This made the Vortian’s blood run cold, he’d seen a picture of a goat in one books from the school library and found the resemblance funny, but now he could only wonder how Zim knew and what that meant for him.

“Stop making that face! I’m not planning to tell anyone!”

Now Dib was confused “You....Aren’t?”

Zim scoffed “No! I have no interest in convincing the masses you’re an alien; the average person is so stupid I could bring you to them without your disguise and they still wouldn’t be convinced! I just want answers: Why are you here?”

Dib held up his hands in a placating gesture “I’m only a researcher; I’ve been interested in unexplored planets since I was a kid, your’s was the first one I found”

Zim scrutinised Dib as if he could verify the answer by sight alone “So you _aren’t_ planning to conquer my planet?”

Dib could almost physically feel the wave of relief that washed over him and had to hold back to keep himself from laughing as the tension left him “Oh gosh, no. I’m just a geek! And considering the other planets call my planet geeky, that’s saying something!” No wonder this child was so worked up! If the situation were reversed and an alien came to his planet for the first time and he thought they were a danger to it, he probably wouldn’t react much better. If he were to be honest, he probably would have reacted worse; little Dib went through an awkward ‘hero complex’ phase. Embarrassing childhood memories aside, at least Zim seemed satisfied with the answer.

“Good” he said pulling away from Dib’s space bubble.

“Because _I’M_ going to be the one to take it over! Understand!? ME! I was here first!”

Suddenly Dib didn’t understand anymore. “You want to conquer your own planet?”

Zim gave him a look as if this made perfect sense “Yes”

Dib replied with a slightly perturbed expression “Okay....” How often did this guy do things like this that nobody else was paying him any mind? “Right, I’m just going to go home now” As Dib descended the staircase and began to walk home he noticed Zim was now walking alongside him “Um, what are you doing?” Dib asked.

Zim shot him a defensive look before marching onward “I’m going home”

* * *

“And then they let _Larb_ do it instead! Can you believe it!? LARB!”

Dib wasn’t sure exactly what had happened; Zim had spent the entire day distrusting him as a presumed alien invader and now he was carrying on as if they’d known each other for years, gesticulating wildly, and punching and kicking at the air as he vented. “I’m still learning everyone’s names, which one is Larb?” Dib asked

“He doesn’t go to our school, he’s in my cadets group” Zim answered in a surprisingly calm voice before returning to his rant. Wait, so all of this was about a guy he didn’t know? That he might never even meet? As he was wondering Zim’s gloved hand shot out in front of him, blocking his way “I’ll be back in a moment, you wait right here” Zim commanded.

It wasn’t necessary, by this point Dib was far too curious to leave, then as Zim walked up the path to the colourfully decorated building he saw it. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed before considering it spilled beyond Zim’s wiry frame, the ridiculously huge backpack. This normally wouldn’t be especially noteworthy, but in this case it was the missing piece; he knew Zim reminded him of something, but couldn’t quite place it until now. Now he knew exactly what Zim reminded him of: an Irken.

In Dib’s defense his lexicon was a bit skewed; while his Father had been taking research jobs for Irk as long as Dib could remember, he usually worked with the scientists, who had their own uniform that differed from the more iconic pink and black one Zim’s outfit was uncannily similar to. But the metal “PAK” attached to their spine was something Dib had never seen any Irken without, nor the arrogant streak the child also had.

A few minutes later Zim returned with a smaller child holding his hand, presumably his sibling, they looked similar enough. Or at least their faces had a similar structure, this new child was almost completely covered in a strange, baggy, lime green garment with black on the arms and legs, as well as ears and a crude applique face on the hood. Was it some sort of animal costume? They at least seemed much more open, as soon as they caught sight of Dib they ran up and started talking

“Hi there! My name’s Gir! Are you my brother’s new friend? Wanna see what I made in crafts today?”

“GIR! What did I tell you about running off!?” Zim shouted as he caught up to the pair

“But I didn’t run off, I’m still where you could see me”

Zim grabbed Gir’s hand and continued to walk “Nevermind, Gir. It’s time to go home now”

Dib smiled warmly at the familiar mood of the scene unfolding in front of him and did his best to keep himself from chuckling, he didn’t want it to be misunderstood, and continued home as well. “Don’t worry, I have a younger sister, so-”

“I don’t, Gir is a boy. His name is just spelled similarly” Zim interrupted in a matter-of-fact tone, leaving Dib slightly confused.

“That wasn’t my point, I just meant I’m a big brother too” Zim didn’t bother to answer and continued to trudge down the street impatiently.

This carried on for the rest of the trip home with Gir chattering away, Zim pulling him along, and Dib starting to wonder if the two were following him; he thought he’d made it clear that he meant no harm to their planet, but perhaps Zim wasn’t convinced? Either way, he was almost home and the two children still hadn’t left his side. Honestly it was starting to freak him out a little. “Are....Are you just going to follow me all the way home?” Dib finally ventured to ask, he received a dismissive wave of the hand in response.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” Zim replied nonchalantly. They were now at the point where Dib’s walkway met the sidewalk.

“Right.” Dib sighed “Well, this is my house, I’m just going to go inside now”

As he opened the door, he turned to make sure he wasn’t still being followed and instead saw Zim & Gir standing in front of the neighbouring house. This seemed to catch the pair’s attention as Gir started waving and Zim gestured to the door as if to say ‘See? I live here!’ If that were the case it could explain how Zim knew what he looked like undisguised, that or the boy had just broken into a stranger’s house to make a point. Given what he’d seen thus far, he wouldn’t rule out the latter possibility.

“So, how was it?” Gaz asked as he walked through the door, eyes still fixed on her screen.

“It was interesting” Dib replied as he put away his school bag and went to wash his hands in the kitchen “Some of the classes were boring, but the ones about Earth itself were fun enough to make up for it, and one of my classmates is....something else, but-” as he turned off the tap he looked out the window and noticed Zim peering over the sil of the window across, waving a purple toothbrush with a tag saying 'Property of Zim' attached to the handle, and Gir’s waving hand next to him. Dib smiled “I feel good about how today went”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally publishing this, I've been working on this story for several months; it's the first time I've really made one of these so I'm excited to finally share it.
> 
> Admittedly Zim's description doesn't fully match up with his human design from the movie, namely because it hadn't been released yet at that point. I also chose to make Dib & his family Vortians since they live in families as well and that's going to be important later on. Thank you to everyone who helped me with fleshing the world out and I hope you and anyone who finds it here enjoy it.
> 
> UPDATE: I've fixed some of the formatting issues, now that I'm more used to how the website works


	2. The Normal Human Friend

Human interactions really were fascinating, or at least that's what Dib thought as he observed his classmates during lunch break. Students separated first by class, then into friend groups and cliques: at one table girls who were already wearing cosmetics were gathered together and gossiping, at another groups of friends played card games, athletic children lifted weights, artistic children showed off their projects. Vort had nothing like this; there either students ate lunch at the same desk they used for studying, or were given free range of the area outside the school and had lunch outside spread out among the park like surroundings.

Here it was all so captivatingly inefficient, looking closely you could see plenty of space was going unused despite the finite space in the lunchroom as students clustered together with those similar to themselves and went out of their way to avoid certain others. Nowhere was this more pronounced than the table that seated Red & Purple, the semi-identical twins who were the tallest students in class (coincidentally two of the first names Dib had learnt, since the pair was conveniently colour-coded), and, for the most part, nobody else. It seemed that there were two ways to guarantee a private table, both of which came down to intimidation: either having such a lofty reputation that few would attempt to sit near you for fear of ridicule, or to be so reviled that nobody wanted to be near you and risk the association.

However one exception to the unwritten rules stood out (Granted, the exception in question seemed to go out of the way to stand out, or so Dib had noticed after a little over a week attending the Earth “Skool”); Zim had seated himself between Red and Purple and was currently enjoying his sandwich, which was practically dripping with jam, blissfully unaware of the irritated glares the two were casting down at him. If there was one thing more entertaining than observing the social norms, it was seeing the results of them being ignored; the twins always claimed the same table at lunch and couldn’t leave without relinquishing their ‘territory’, but Zim was completely oblivious to their efforts to get rid of him.

And then a realisation hit Dib: he was just as oblivious.

He’d spent so much time observing the dynamics of the lunch room that he had never accounted for how _he_ fit into them, and the more he thought about the more he realised that he’d singled himself out. In the time he’d been there he had barely talked to anyone, only learnt the names of a handful of students, and hadn’t made a single friend. The only one he’d really spent time with was Zim and that mostly consisted of either hearing the boy vent as they walked to and from school, or dealing with him sneaking around his house and fiddling with his gadgets (he could hurt himself). Suddenly, glancing around the room was more worrisome than fun as he realised that the groups of friends he observed all had one thing in common: none had any room for him.

Dib looked around frantically searching for somewhere he could go; it wasn’t so much that he was worried about being a social outcast, he’d been the solitary type as a child, so he had plenty of experience being on his own, spending his breaks in much the same way he was spending them now. But he couldn’t study human social interactions properly without actually interacting with humans, not to mention they were clearly a social breed and going too long without making a friend might make them realise he was not one of them.

Then he noticed one table in the far corner, the children seated there weren’t chatting or playing games, they just picked at their food, looking miserable.

Relieved, he brought his tray over “Hello, my name’s Dib” he said with a friendly smile and wave; the look he got in return made him worry for a minute that his disguise had turned off.

“You want to sit....with _us_?” a girl with braces and bright purple hair asked, incredulous.

“Sure” Dib replied sheepishly “Why, did I say something wrong?” The girl shook her head in response.

“Nobody _ever_ wants to sit here” a boy with flaxen hair almost the same colour as his skin added “Even we don’t want to sit here, we just sit here because nobody likes us and won’t let us sit with them”

Dib gave them a confused look “Why don’t you just make friends with each other?” he asked and received several equally confused looks in response, evidently the idea had never occurred to the children before. “Anyway, I’m new here and I was wondering if any of you wanted to be my frie-”

“Pick me!” a ginger haired boy squealed eagerly, waving his raised hand “Please pick me! I promise I’ll be the bestest, most loyal friend ever!” Dib wasn’t quite sure this was the way it was supposed to work, but he wasn’t in any position to refuse; it was rare that things worked out so neatly for him as somebody offering to be his friend right when he needed to find one

“O....Kay. Sure! My name’s Dib”

The child’s grin grew impossibly wide and bright “I’m Keef!”

* * *

For the rest of the day Dib and Keef were inseparable; they partnered off together for in-class projects, played together at recess, walked to classes together. Honestly, Dib found it a little overwhelming, but who was he to judge? He was on an unfamiliar planet and had never been the most sociable person to begin with, for all he knew this was perfectly normal for humans.

Eventually the school day ended and Dib gathered his things for the trip home "Hey buddy! Do you mind if I walk home with you?" Keef asked.

At this point Dib was looking forward to having a bit of time alone after a day of so much social interaction, but it was just the trip home, what harm could it do? "Sure, if you want to" Dib answered.

"Great!" Keef exclaimed "I've got my stuff, I'm ready to go whenever you are, friend!"

As they walked home Dib noticed Zim was nowhere to be seen; weird, they’d normally share at least some of the walk home since their houses were right next to each other, and it wasn’t as if the child went unnoticed easily, maybe he just had to leave early today.

“Wow! Today was so much fun!" Keef cheered, bringing Dib out of his thoughts "Wasn't today fun, Dib?"

Dib nodded uneasily "Sure" It wasn't a lie, he did enjoy having some of the friendship experiences he'd missed in the past, but he wasn't as excited as Keef was, likely because few were as excitable as Keef to begin with.

"Great! We're going to have so much fun together! We can ride bikes together, go swimming, go to the zoo, we can go camping.... The rest of the walk home continued in much the same way with Keef prattling off a list of activities they could enjoy together, Dib felt exhausted just listening to him. Eventually they reached Dib’s house “And we can go to the circus! I love the circus! Have you ever been to the circus, Dib?”

It took Dib a moment to respond, he’d barely gotten a word in edgewise the entire trip “Hm? Oh! No, I’ve never been to the circus” he replied dazedly.

"Oh gosh! We have to go some time, you'll love it! They have games, and clowns, and acrobats and-"

"That sounds great, Keef" Dib interjected "But we're at my house now, and I'd like to go inside, so...."

"Oh sure, we can draw pictures, play go fish, dance in the living room, play video games, you got any video games?"

This wasn't quite the response Dib had in mind, but he could adapt "My sister has some, but they're a bit....intense" he replied, intense was putting it mildly.

"That's fine, I brought some with me" Keef answered, pulling a video game console out of his backpack, not a particularly small one either.

"Alright, just give me a second to call my sister and let her know" Dib was fairly certain Gaz would not like Keef, at all, and she could be a bit....much for the unprepared, so he decided it would be best if he kept them apart for the time being. He brought his phone out and called her "Hello, Gaz? I brought a friend with me from school"

"I know, Dib, I could sense him coming up the street" she growled "I'll be in the basement" as she hung up Dib turned to Keef "Sorry, she's not good with new people" he explained "She said it's fine if we stay out of her way"

After a few hours of playing video games Keef went home, Gaz returned to the living room, and Dib was finally able to enjoy some time alone to unwind. The next morning Dib once again set out for school and when he opened the door, there was Keef waiting for him.

"Hey buddy! I thought we could walk to school this morning" he greeted cheerfully; Dib was surprised to see him, then again walking to school was a normal thing for friends to do, wasn't it?

"Oh! Good morning Keef, I didn't know you lived near here" "

I don't!" Keef cheered without elaborating further. Dib found it a little unsettling, but decided not to press the issue; Keef was probably just excited to spend time with a new friend. However as he and the redhead began their journey to school, he noticed that once again Zim was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

The day went on much the same as the one before with the pair spending as much time together as possible. They sat together at lunch, played together at recess, during art class Dib followed Keef's suggestion that they draw themselves together. Dib wasn't as artistically inclined as sister, not even close, so he welcomed some external direction for his one-step-above-stick-figures drawings. "Wow! That looks great!" Keef encouraged when Dib showed him the finished piece "Here's the one I made, I hope you like it!" Keef's picture put his thoroughly to shame; somehow the boy had recreated a famous renaissance oil painting and framed it within the, in his case unnecessary, one hour art lesson.

"That's amazing!" Dib gasped "How did you do all that so quickly?" It was a valid question and one that made Keef grin even wider than before.

"The power of friendship!"

Soon the school day came to an end and the pair returned home, once again Zim was notably absent, if it weren't for him being present during class that day Dib would have started to worry. Again Keef stayed to play video games for a few hours before returning home, and again Dib felt drained from spending so much time with him. And sure enough, the next morning when Dib left for school Keef was waiting to accompany him, while Zim was nowhere to be found. "That's weird" Dib thought out loud.

"What's weird?" Keef asked as they started their walk.

Dib shook his head to disperse the thought "It's nothing. I just noticed Zim isn't here again, his house is right over there, so we usually walk together part of the way, but we haven't since Monday morning"

Keef went uncharacteristically quiet at this and Dib worried if perhaps he'd touched on a sensitive topic "Sorry if I said something wrong"

Keef shook his head "It's fine! Zim just tries to avoid me. We used to hang out for a while, then he started avoiding me and shooting me with a taser when I came near him" he said in a far too casual tone. As mean as it sounded, Dib could sort of understand Zim reacting that way; he was starting to get a little burnt out from spending so much time with Keef, and Zim didn't seem to be the most patient child when it came to people getting on his nerves, nor the most sociable. Combined with his disregard for safety and consequences, it was easy to imagine him losing patience with Keef's clinginess and using whatever means necessary to make him keep his distance.

Wednesday saw more of the same; another day of exhausting togetherness. Dib couldn't do this for another day, he desperately needed some alone time to recharge and made up his mind that he would get it today. "Um, Keef?" He began, cutting off the redhead's list of potential activities for a future camping trip "I've enjoyed spending time with you this week"

"Me too!" Keef replied with a smile.

Dib tried to think of a tactful way to say what he needed to without hurting his feelings "But I have a few things I need to take care of....by myself....so I can't play with you today"

"That's fine!" Keef answered, he was taking this surprisingly well "I'll see you tomorrow" and with that he departed.

Dib quickly settled down with his tablet and pulled up one of his favourite books, ready to enjoy an evening of peace and solitude. Suddenly the phone rang; weird there wasn't any reason for it to ring, he hadn't even been sure it was connected until now, but apparently it was. Cautiously he picked up the phone

"Hey buddy! How're you doing?" Came the familiar cheerful voice from the other end.

"Keef!?" Dib exclaimed in shock "How did you get this number?" Now Dib was more than a little perturbed.

"Friendship!" Keef replied.

"Right....look I just started on my stuff, it's on the computer and this phone is corded, so...."

"Say no more pal!" Keef said with a voice you could practically hear the smile in before hanging up.

Satisfied that this marked the end of the matter, Dib returned to his reading. However, he got no more than a page in before a notice popped up. It took him a moment to realise that it was the social media website he'd joined a week ago; he'd heard the other children talking about it and signed up to help cement his disguise before proceeding to forget all about it, apparently it was still logged in.

Tentatively he clicked the notice, it was from Keef. Dib quickly switched the tablet off before scooting to the opposite side of the sofa from the device, perhaps he'd work on a project downstairs instead.

* * *

The next morning Keef was at the front door again, but Dib felt a bit better about it after a night to himself; besides the week was nearly over now.

"Good morning Dib! Did you finish all the stuff you had to do?" Dib nodded in response as they began their walk to school, Keef grinned "Great! So that means you'll be free this weekend, right?"

"I guess so...." Dib answered with an unsure tone "Don't your parents wonder where you are?"

Keef shrugged "Sure they do. Anyway, I had a great idea: we should have a sleepover this weekend!"

Dib turned this new word over in his head, trying to discern its’ meaning, he had a sneaking suspicion it was exactly what it sounded like, but wanted to make sure first "Sleep over?" He asked slowly "What exactly is a sleepover?"

"It's when you spend the night at someone's house and do fun stuff!" Keef enthused "We could spend the whole weekend together! We can play games, tell stories, wear matching footie pajamas...."

Dib was already running through all the ways this could go horribly wrong, thus far Keef had only seen the living room and part of the kitchen. And he never stayed long enough for him to have to use his ready excuse of his parents working late, if Keef stayed the entire weekend he'd start to wonder why he hadn't seen them. Not to mention the risk of Keef seeing the alien tech in the basement, or seeing him without his disguise, or the house not being as normal as he thought it was, and who knew what else. Both spent the trip to school creating their respective lists; Keef optimistically prattling off all the fun things they could do over the weekend, and Dib's a silent, pessimistic litany of just how big a catastrophe it could be.

By the time they reached the school Dib was certain of one thing, he had to find a way out of this.

* * *

Sitting in class Dib couldn't focus; while the seating arrangement placed him and Keef at opposite ends of the classroom, it was only a temporary reprieve from the nightmare he had brought on himself, he knew as soon as class ended Keef would be there. Not to mention the limitless disaster potential of the sleepover, he needed to find a way to make Keef keep his distance. Dib's eyes nervously darted about the classroom as quickly as his mind flicked through his options, finally both settled on the seat at the opposite end of the row; Zim had managed to rid himself of Keef once before, perhaps he could help. Quickly Dib scribbled a note out, crumpled it in his hand, and made his move.

"Miss Bitters, may I please be excused to use the restroom?" Dib asked with his other hand raised.

"Fine, it won't matter when the sun supernovas in 7 billion years anyway" the teacher replied dismissively. As he passed by Zim's desk Dib dropped both the note and a pencil onto the floor.

"Oops, could you get that for me, Zim? I think it rolled under your desk" Dib asked, trying his best to sound casual for fear of being caught by the teacher. Zim gave Dib a look of annoyance that quickly changed to one of intrigue when he noticed the paper, as he read it Dib deeply hoped he wouldn't come to regret going to him for help. Zim handed the pencil and note back with a smug grin like a cat that was perched on the top shelf and poised to knock off the vase you had placed there precisely to avoid this situation. Dib already regretted it.

Moments later he was waiting in the big stall he'd said to meet in, he was fairly sure he heard the words 'mighty need' being shouted on the way, and was soon rewarded with the sight of Zim standing in front of him, sporting an infuriating expression and a swimmer's nose clip, apparently he was bothered by the smell.

Dib quickly ushered him in "Zim! I really need your help, don't tell anyone, but-" Dib checked under the walls of the stall for Keef's feet, he didn't want to hurt his feelings, and glanced nervously around the stall as if he expected the red head to rise out of the toilet, at this point Dib wouldn't be surprised if he did "Keef's getting to be a bit much; you got him to leave you alone before, I need to know how"

Zim's posture and expression now resembled that of a scheming comic book super villain "Very well, Dib, I will help you, but in exchange you will let me borrow the laser sword in your garage" Dib was confused "Laser sword? Do....do you mean my hedge trimmer?" He asked "You do realise it can only cut plants, right?"

"Laser sword!" Zim demanded. Yep Dib was definitely regretting this.

"Fine, you can borrow it" Dib sighed in resignation "There isn't too much damage you can do with it anyway"

The boy cackled triumphantly "Victory! Victory for Zim!" Words could not describe how much Dib was regretting this.

"It's going to be harder for you to rid yourself of Keef, I just did a group project with him once, you've spent time with him voluntarily" Zim said before giving a thoughtful pause "It would be easier to redirect his attentions than to extinguish them"

Dib nodded "So you're saying I should try to find him a new friend to take my place" Maybe this had been a good idea after all.

"Eh? I suppose you could, personally I would do something a bit more high tech"

Dib looked confused "High tech?" Did he mean building Keef a robot friend?

"If I were in your position, I would first replace Keef's eyes with mechanical ones, programmed to make him believe the next living thing he saw was me, then-"

"I'm not going to rip out his eyeballs, Zim!" Dib interjected before the boy could finish describing his gruesome plan

"Nonsense! It's fine" Zim replied with a dismissive wave of the hand "You'll be giving him _better_ ones! If it makes you feel better, you can add a night vision feature, or a perception filter, maybe gift wrap them"

Nevermind, Dib definitely regretted it.

* * *

Fortunately, Dib was able to duck out of walking home with Keef under the premise that both of them needed to prepare for the weekend, as soon as he got home he did an inventory of things he'd have to address. Even just the things he knew didn't belong in a normal human house left him with a discouragingly long list: there was the lab in the basement, the lifts to access it hidden throughout the house, Gaz, the lack of parents, the guard robots that had mysteriously appeared while he was at school, the alien gadgetry littered throughout the house, Gaz-

Not to mention all the research he'd have to do, and who knew how many touch ups that would lead to, plus the cleaning that was probably due to happen now.

While he was busy Keef-proofing the house Gaz walked in, her usual stoic demeanor contrasting almost comically with her brother's frantic tidying "Do I even want to know?" She sighed in exasperation.

"Keef's staying over this weekend, I have to get the house ready!" He answered as he gathered an armful of knickknacks to be ferried downstairs.

Gaz's left eye shot open in irritation "You _invited_ him to spend the weekend _here_?" Despite never having met the boy, her disdain for him practically dripped from her voice.

"Not exactly" Dib replied looking flustered "He just sort of invited himself, and started making all these plans, and...."

"And now you're scrambling to make the house look normal enough" Gaz finished without bothering to conceal how rapidly her patience was dwindling "Do you even _want_ him to come?"

Dib chewed his lip and tried to look anywhere that wasn't his sister's intimidating glare "WelI....you know! It's-Uh....not really" he slumped forward; even as children Gaz's power glare was like being under a microscope for Dib, while he'd matured out of finding her threats intimidating, he still couldn't hide anything from those burning eyes "Honestly, he's starting to freak me out. I mean, he's a nice kid and all, but he never leaves me alone and I can't handle it!"

Gaz was not impressed. "So you're telling me that you're turning the house upside down for a visit you don't want to have with a guy you don't want to spend time with?"

Dib winced, Gaz's razor sharp tongue had struck again "Do you _have_ to make it sound so bad?" He asked.

"It doesn't need any help from me" Gaz quipped flatly.

Dib sighed "Look, I know it's a pain, but I don't want to tell him to leave and hurt his feelings! He means well, and he's just a kid; he doesn't know better"

Gaz's expression subtly shifted to a different, ever so slightly softer type of judging as she turned to leave "That's exactly why you _should_ say something, he's never going to stop being a creep if you keep rewarding it"

* * *

Dib worked late into the night and the next morning found himself waking up on the living room floor, still holding onto the cloth he'd been using to clean it. Somebody was knocking on the door and when Dib answered, after checking his disguise was on, it was Keef, as expected, who greeted him cheerfully.

"Good morning Dib! Are you excited for this weekend?"

Dib glanced nervously into the house "About that, there's a lot I have to do to get ready, so...."

"Don't worry buddy, I understand" the boy replied as sunnily as ever "I'll cover for you at school!"

Dib didn't even hear Keef as he said goodbye and left, he was a thousand miles away.

At least staying home from school would give him the chance to finish with the house, and Dib set back to work with twice as much vigor as before. It barely registered when Gaz made her way upstairs and sat on the sofa; the noise was irritating to her, but watching Dib grow increasingly frantic with each passing hour was worth it. Soon it was time for school to let out and Dib was on the verge of a nervous breakdown

"It's 3 o'clock Gaz! He'll be here any minute and I don't have a stand-in for our parents!" Dib was practically hyperventilating, which was admittedly less funny "We need fake parents! He's going to find out we live alone, and that we're aliens! He'll tell everyone!" Now he looked like he was trying to stop himself from having a panic attack "Unless....Unless they're on a business trip! Gaz! Can you write a note for me? He'll recognise my handwriting" his hand now gripped a fistful of her dress and his face was like a drowning man's "Please Gaz, you've got to help me!" Gaz slapped his hand away.

“Fine” Gaz fumed as she set down her tablet, you knew she meant business when she put her electronics aside, “If you won’t take care of this, I will” she slipped on the skull shaped pendant that housed her holo-disguise and activated it. Instantly her warm purple complexion was replaced with the same variable peachy-beige as her brother’s disguise, except for her hair which retained it’s usual colour and covered her horns, giving the appearance of hair styled in a flip.

“Gaz wait!” Dib called “Don’t hurt him, he’s just a kid!”

Gaz turned to her brother and widened her eyes into a menacing glare, revealing irises of the same amber as Dib’s “I won’t need to”

Meanwhile Keef was making his way up the walkway, he was about to knock on the door when it swung open in front of him (did the door normally open inward?) and an eerie fog poured out of house, pierced by a pair of eyes glowing with a steady fury. The redhead took a step backwards as a solitary figure emerged; it seemed to be a girl only slightly younger than himself dressed entirely in dark hues, but her presence felt like that of a horrifying creature from another world. “Wh-who are you?” Keef asked, making no effort to hide the terror in his voice.

“I’m Dib’s sister” she stated in a voice that was even, but made it clear that it’s owner was not to be messed with “Leave my brother alone”

Keef nodded yes, never taking his eyes off of Gaz “How come I've never seen you at school?” he squeaked, his voice didn’t feel like it was his own and he felt his blood run cold as he realised he had been the one asking.

Gaz looked down at the cowering child and answered in a voice as cold and merciless as the vacuum of space “I’m homeschooled” and drifted backwards into the house, the door shutting in her wake and leaving only a chill in the air and a traumatised child behind.

* * *

A couple days later the weekend had passed, it was Monday again, and Dib found himself back where he started; standing alone in the lunchroom and watching the usual dynamics unfold around him. Children gossiped, played games, and showed off together in their usual groups, once again Red and Purple cast irritated glances at Zim, and once again they went completely over his head, both figurative and literally. There was one change to be noticed, however; the children of the 'reject table' had taken his advice to become their own group of friends and were now happily chatting amongst themselves, even Keef seemed to have settled into the group nicely, even if he jumped a little when Dib waved at him.

Perhaps it was for the best. Taking time to reflect on the incident made him realise that both he and Keef had been in the wrong. True, the boy may have gotten over attached and refused to respect his personal space, but Dib realised he had basically used him; he had been so focused on trying to find a friend that he had seen Keef as a case study more than a person, meanwhile Keef had probably never had a friend before, so when somebody offered to be his friend he had jumped on the chance and refused to let go. At least he seemed to be better off now, and Dib had learnt something important, that you couldn’t force friendship to happen, it was something you could help but that still had to happen on it’s own. For now he’d try to be more sociable and maybe he’d be able to make a real friend.

“Do you want to play Capsulemon with me?”

Dib turned to the source of the voice that had interrupted his thoughts and saw a pudgy boy with a friendly smile holding a small cardboard box “What?” Dib asked, still slightly distracted.

“Oh, sorry if you were busy” the boy apologised “I just noticed you were alone and I got a theme deck for the Capsulemon card game this weekend. It has enough cards for two to play, so....” Looking at him, Dib recognised the boy from class; he was the second shortest, only an inch or so taller than Zim but still about twice his size.

“No, it’s fine. I just don’t know how to play” Dib replied.

The boy’s smile grew warmer “That’s alright, it comes with instructions, I could teach you if you want” he held out his hand “My name’s Skoodge, by the way”

It took a moment for Dib to remember he was supposed to put his own hand in the offered one “My name’s Dib”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are at chapter 2, based on Bestest Friend, thank you to everyone who's supported the story so far and I hope you enjoyed this part too (^.^)
> 
> We're still in the chapters written before the movie released, so it's been interesting; my interpretation of how Dib matured came out being fairly in line with what was already happening in the movie, but I've seen a lot of people talk about how they used to imagine him growing up in a very different direction, the same for the development of Gaz and Professor Membrane, so good luck to anyone trying to decide what to do with their works in progress. Goodness knows it took him longer to lose patience with Keef than Zim did. Speaking of which part of Zim's defense for his plan was based on a panel I went to last year with Zim's voice actor where he talked about the argument around the episode's end.
> 
> I think that's it for now, not every episode will be adapted, so the next one isn't based on "NanoZim" but is _is_ one I'm really excited to post and might explain why I chose to handle things the way I did.
> 
> See you soon everyone (^.^) and feel free to comment in the meantime, I really enjoyed the one I got on the last chapter.


	3. Parental Negligence Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now this chapter and the next I'm really excited for, the full notes are at the end, but this one explains a few of the choices I've made and help set up a few really important parts. Enjoy everyone, and thank you for your support:

The more time Dib spent on Earth the more differences and similarities he noticed between this new culture and the familiar ones on Vort and its ally planets, one of the most jarring was the differing views towards education. Planet Vort placed a high value on education and considered it a basic right, enough so that there were no obstacles to post secondary, and plenty of reputable options for expanding your horizons no matter how busy your lifestyle. Even before that, schooling programs were tailored to each class of students to build on preexisting interest and using that to bridge the gap to subjects an individual student may be struggling with.

This place, the "Skool" was not like that: first of all, education here seemed to be a one-size-fits-all affair that was tossed at children more than anything else, and appeared to be geared towards creating factory workers. Second, it was painfully clear that nobody actually wanted to be there, a few of the younger teachers were what Dib was used to; dedicated people excited to be providing a vital service to developing minds, but most were just there, going through the motions with the promise of two months vacation at the end. Unfortunately this lack of enthusiasm trickled down to the children, tarnishing the few teachers who were invested as they realised their efforts were wasted on students who had been exposed to so many bad teachers they didn't care anymore, completing the cycle. As well as being the cause of the loud cheering that spread throughout the school as the bell rang, signaling the end of the day.

"Don't forget tonight is parent-teacher night" miss Bitters creaked, dampening the moods of the children who were already leaving, some by climbing out the window, as they were reminded they'd have to return to their place of misery that evening.

The announcement filled Dib with an entirely different type of dread. "Um, is parent-teacher night, mandatory?" He asked the teacher, hoping that he had successfully hidden his nervousness

"Yes" came the monotone reply.

"It's just a little short notice, what if someone's parents have to work late?" He finished with a hopeful smile as he desperately fished for a way out

"They need to give notice two weeks in advance or join by phone, if they can't make some sort of appearance tonight, we'll have to schedule a home visit" Dib felt his chest grow tight.

"Good to know" he answered through a too-broad nervous grin "I'll see you later miss Bitters"

* * *

As soon as Dib made it home he dashed straight to his work room and pulled up his blueprints for a pair of human robots, silently cursing himself for not having done more work on them. After the Keef fiasco he had started work on a set of robot parents in case the need arose for him to put up a facade of normality. Unfortunately, things happened, as did distractions, and work on them had fallen by the wayside in favour of school projects, researching something that caught his interest, and dealing with Zim breaking into the garage on a regular basis. The end result was Dib frantically pouring over his blueprints and parts in a mad rush to complete at least one robot in time for the night.

Gaz appeared in the doorway, her ever-present tablet in her hand "I don’t want to know about this one either, do I?" she asked, tearing her gaze away from the screen.

"Good timing, Gaz!" Dib replied with a hint of anxiety in his voice "I need you to help me build a robot to pose as our...." he quickly glanced at the work table to determine which robot had the most progress made on it "Father for tonight"

Gaz did not look impressed "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious; _this_ is serious!" Dib answered with high-strung exasperation "The school is having a parent-teacher night this evening, and I didn't find out in time to give notice. So now I have to have somebody show up or call, or they might have someone come over" Dib began to worriedly pace about the room as he gathered parts while his sister remained unphased. "And if someone comes over they might find out we're aliens, or make you go to school too, or decide we don't have proper care and try to put us in foster homes. We might have to leave the planet, Gaz!"

"You're saying that as if it's a bad thing" came Gaz's Curt reply. "But you said calling the school was an option, why don't you do that instead of freaking out trying to build a robot in 4 hours?"

Dib didn't stop his work, but her words did catch his attention "We might need to use a voice modulator; your voice is a little too high to convince them you're my mom"

Gaz's eyes went wide and her free hand clenched in a fist so tight it would have cracked her tablet screen. "Not me, Dad. Have Dad call them"

Now it was Dib's turn to object "I can't ask Dad, you already know he won't help!"

Gaz had mostly recovered her composure and gave Dib an unreadable look “No, Dib. I don’t already know he won’t, and neither do you; the real problem is that you don’t want to ask and find out because you’re afraid of being disappointed again”

Dib winced, Gaz had always been like this. Even as a little girl, she could always see right to the heart of what people said and felt and strike at it with brutal precision; with a little more compassion she could have made an exceptional therapist, as it was now any practise she opened would be the psychological equivalent to having a splinter removed on the count of one when you were promised three and immediately doused in disinfectant.

“I don’t need to” he replied a little too defensively “Dad’s never been there for us before, you know that as well as I do, why should it be any different now?”

For a moment Gaz’s expression softened ever so slightly before firming back up into something more familiar “Dib, I still get annoyed thinking about that one guy who used me as an umbrella on the first day of school; if I can move past everything that happened with Dad, so can you. It’s been years, and more importantly he’s actually willing to do better, it may be a few years late, but at least he’s trying”

This struck a nerve, though Dib wasn’t entirely willing to acknowledge it “That’s easy for you to say” he retorted a little more bitterly than he intended “I need to get back to work now” Gaz didn’t reply as she returned upstairs, leaving Dib alone with the robots and his thoughts.

* * *

For most of his life Dib’s relationship with his Father had been....complicated. His Father had always been a workaholic, but for a time it wasn’t too bad; sure, he often came home late, but he always made the most of the time he spent with them, even taking them to see what he was working on every now and then. All that changed when he suddenly became the only parent. Whether it was a drive to save the universe from going through what he had, or just to hide away from his feelings, Professor Membrane had thrown himself into his work more than ever, often being away from home for days at a time and leaving his children in the care of a 'Robodad' he had built: Daddio 9000.

In all fairness each of them had their own passion they had used to help deal with their loss, or perhaps to escape from it, but in a way that had made it worse; not only because the siblings had lost both their parents in one way or another, but for Dib there was the added sting of his interests being dismissed for not being 'real science'. Things had been slightly easier for Gaz, in some regards, or at least that’s how Dib saw it; after a few years their Father did try to reconnect with them, but the effort was still limited to times when he could be home and inviting them to presentations, and had worked better for one than the other.

In a way Gaz was the perfect child for Membrane to bond with, bearing the stronger resemblance to their Mother and reminding him of her in a superficial way, while also being able to look at things with the same detached objectivity he did. It further helped that she didn’t wish for affection the way her brother did; both Father & Daughter had walled themselves off emotionally and were content with spending time doing their own thing in the same room. On top of that she showed an affinity for programming that he could understand and take pride in, even if her passion lay in programming games, he understood the benefits they could hold, especially when she produced training software or a new data compressor.

Dib on the other hand looked like a younger version of his Father, enough that Dib occasionally wondered if he had been one of the rare Vortians to accept his Irken colleagues’ offer to let him use their cloning technology, motivated by disgust over mammalian reproduction as it was. Unlike his Father, he was more open with his feelings, not wearing his heart on his sleeve per say, but not going out of his way to hide it; something the Professor either didn’t know how to deal with, or was too painful for him to face. To make matters worse his curiousity manifested in a fascination with the unknown, what was rumoured to be out there, rather than delving into more established forms of discovery. Not to mention the one way his Father’s more dispassionate side frequently expressed itself in him was in a disregard for personal boundaries, believing that the pursuit of knowledge was more important than something as trivial as privacy.

The result was a difficult situation for both; while Dib was by no means a social butterfly, he did value having a few close relationships and wanted the close knit family his peers had, and was hurt that his Father’s efforts to steer him towards a career in a more reputable field came off as dismissive of his own passions. Meanwhile, his Father had to cope with his son reminding him of his late wife in ways he wasn’t able to handle, pursued interests he couldn’t understand, and in the process often got in trouble as he inadvertently harassed neighbours or dug up parks as he sought to recreate the grand scenarios he dreamt of where he proved himself right and changed the world’s view on what was possible. He had tried to guide Dib towards a career in a more mainstream field of science, any mainstream field of science. Unfortunately his pointing out that it would be impossible for Dib to tame a Sylvestran Snarlbeast as a pet, or that the Gargantus Array was a myth, so there was no point spending his day of the annual family weekend looking for it, were never met with the reaction he hoped for and often preluded an 'Incident'.

That, combined with the professor's busy schedule had caused Dib to internalise that his Father simply could not be counted on, and eventually he had stopped trying. There was no point in making himself miserable trying to gain something that didn't exist, at least not in the way you needed it to, and Dib was certain that he could never have the supportive relationship he wanted to have with his Father, so it would be best if they both walked their separate paths.

* * *

And so he continued to work on the robot for hours, scrambling and cutting corners in a desperate effort to complete it in time. He was attaching the head and body when an alarm went off, signalling that only an hour remained before he planned to leave and Dib stopped to survey his progress. He supposed the robot was passable for tonight, he could just say that his father had been in an accident where he’d lost all his limbs! He pressed a button to activate it and the machine made a series of screeching noises; make that an accident that had left him limbless and unable to speak in a way that didn’t sound like an angry budgie....he was so doomed.

Even worse when he tried to deactivate the robot he found that it just wouldn’t turn off, for a couple of minutes he desperately tried to shut it down until Gaz stormed in and yanked out a fistful of wires.

"Dib, this is stupid" she fumed "Just call Dad already" the irritation with both the robot and situation as a whole plain in her voice, however her brother wasn’t quite ready to back down.

“I can’t, Gaz, you know I can’t”

Gaz held up the wires in her grip “Well you can’t take this guy either”

“I still have an hour!” Dib replied defensively as he took the wires back and tried to put them back in place, only for the robot’s head to fall back off and roll under a table.

Gaz sighed as she watched her brother scramble after it, now this was just sad “Dib, I’m serious, just call him” She said in an uncharacteristically soft voice as she put a hand on his shoulder “Seriously, why is this such a big deal to you?”

Dib pulled away as he stood “Because, it’s taken me years to get to this point! You know what it was like: every time we asked dad to be there, he’d let us down” He looked down at the robot’s face thoughtfully, still turned away from Gaz “I wanted him to be proud of me, so badly. Even if he didn’t say it, I at least wanted to know I had his support, but he couldn’t even stop himself from shutting me down. It hurt, Gaz. I spent years letting myself be hurt trying to get his approval, but the only way I could was through things that weren’t really....me. I....I don’t want to open myself up to that again”

“Wow, that’s really screwed up” Gaz replied with her signature lack of tact

“That’s easy for you to say! You were always his favourite!” It took a moment for Dib to realise what he’d just said, the thought had been floating around in his head for about half his life and now it had been set loose, in front of the person he least wanted to share it with, no less.

“Dib” Gaz’s tone was unreadable, and frightened Dib in a way she hadn’t successfully scared him in years “Dad doesn’t have a favourite; I was just easier for him to understand. And because I’m the most like him I can tell you that he does love you, he just has trouble actually saying it....And with adjusting” she sighed before continuing “You really should call him, I think it would mean a lot to him” She quickly tapped at her tablet and an incoming message noticed dinged on Dib’s “I just sent you his contact frequency, the rest is up to you”

Dib picked up his tablet and looked at it for a moment “So if what you just said is true, that means _you_ care too” Dib replied with a small smile, trying to restore some sense of normalcy.

Gaz's eyes shot wide open; she didn't especially like talking about her feelings, and Dib was frustratingly good at catching that her emotional range went beyond varying shades of angry "Whatever"

Once again, Dib was alone, though for the choice he had to make now it was probably for the best.

As promised there was a message from his sister with their father's personal contact frequency, all he had to do was tap it. But could he really do it? He had been so certain for so long, but now he found himself wondering if things were really as he thought they were or if he was acting out of stubborn pride, insisting things hadn't changed so he wouldn't have to risk disappointment. He quickly pressed a finger on the call option before he had the chance to change his mind; these were desperate times, desperate measures were called for. Besides, his father was a busy man, there was a good chance he wouldn't even pick up.

“Hello son! My, isn’t this a surprise?”

This was not the outcome Dib was expecting “....Hello….Dad” he quietly squeaked.

“Oh, come now, son! There’s no need to be so shy, how have you been?” the older Vortian asked in an even, yet jovial voice. The man’s pale indigo complexion, amber eyes, and scythe shaped horns were all strikingly similar to Dib’s own, if it weren’t for the age difference it would be like looking in a mirror.

“Al-alright, I guess” he answered uncertainly, despite the similarities between the two he still felt like he was speaking to a stranger “I found a developing planet, one with complex life”

“Your sister told me you did, how developed are they?” Wait, was his father actually _showing interest_ in something he cared about?

“They developed space travel several decades ago, it’s still pretty limited, the planet has a moon so they’ve visited that a few times. Oh! And they’ve sent a bunch of space probes, too!” The more he talked, the more Dib started to find his voice.

“Fascinating!” his father answered “Tell me more, what about the area you’re in now?” It was weird, he’d dreamt about having these sorts of conversations so many times growing up and the reality was not the dramatic, life changing moment he’d envisioned, but no less happy.

“It’s really different from Vort, especially the school system; the people here get much bigger than we do, so I’m taking a few months to go to school here and learn a bit about how the Earth works since I’m about the same size as an older child”

The professor nodded as Dib explained his methods “So you’re using that to your advantage; avoiding suspicion that you’re from another planet being raised by the questions you ask by passing yourself off as a type of person that’s expected to ask questions”

“Exactly!” Dib answered excitedly before remembering why he called “Actually, I sort of....have a favour to ask, the school I’m going to is having a ‘parent-teacher night’, would you mind calling them?” Dib prepared himself for disappointment, he was probably asking too much too soon.

“I’d love to, son”

That....that was not the answer he expected “Really? You really mean it? Don’t you have to build a better something tonight?”

His father nodded again “I do, that’s why I’m calling your school; I’m building a better relationship with my firstborn. Just send me the data you used for your disguise”

“Wait, are you planning to do a video call?” This was _really_ not the outcome he’d been expecting.

“Of course! Tonight is a special occasion after all” the Professor replied before his expression shifted into one that was more quiet and thoughtful “I know I didn’t handle things as well as I could have, especially with you. I’ve wanted to try and make things better, but I’ve never been sure what to do with you, so....I was so worried about making things worse that I didn’t do anything at all”

Dib gently placed his hand on the screen “Dad....I had no idea....” Maybe they weren't quite so different after all.

His father returned the gesture with a small, gentle smile "I'm glad that you called, that I have the chance to try and make things better between us" his smile grew brighter and more familiar looking "Now, let's get to work on that hologram!"

For the next hour or so the two worked on the disguise, transferring the data was simple enough, but some work had to be done to age it believably. All the while they took the opportunity to catch up, talking about Dib’s experiences on Earth and some of his Father’s current projects. By the time they finished it was later than Dib had hoped to leave, but the results had been well worth it, in more ways than one.

* * *

Parent-Teacher night was an....interesting experience; for the most part, this was the first time Dib had seen the families of his classmates, the one exception being Mr. Elliot, who was both the teacher of the next grade down and parent of one of the boys in Dib's class. Besides that the event offered a fascinating peek into the family dynamics of his classmates, not to mention human genetics. Some children looked a lot like their parents, either a clear mix of their features or looking like a miniature (and in some cases opposite gendered) copy of one or the other. There was one rather uncomfortable case where the younger daughter looked more like the child of the father of her elder sister's classmate, and was clearly favoured by the mother, while the husband favoured the elder sister. Dib wisely decided the less he knew about that mess, the better.

On the other hand, some children bore only a slight resemblance to their parents, some gangly children had quite handsome parents, while number of doomed children looked normal, but their parents were walking sacks of misery who looked like they hadn't smiled in the decade or so that their children had been alive.

And then there was Red and Purple's family.

Dib had heard of parents colour coding their sets of multiples to help tell them apart, but he found himself wondering more than once about the sort of people who would go so far as to name their children after the colours they had been assigned. What he saw was a testament as to why wealthy businessmen marrying supermodel trophy wives was a bad idea. The Father was dressed in a business suit with a briefcase in one hand, giving the illusion that he had come straight from work when, in reality, he had left hours ago and just wanted to look as if he had better places to be.

His wife was draped against him and towered over the other Mothers, looking like a quintessential queen bee; quite literally in fact as her torso was unsettlingly vespiquen in shape. This had been due to her not planning to have twins and deciding that while she was in the hospital, it would be a splendid idea to have a rib removed so she could look the way she normally did right away, not accounting for the fact that she couldn't put the rib back after she lost the weight.

Still, seeing the twins' parents at least explained how they were so unusually tall; it was still surreal to think they were the same age as Zim, considering the pair looked a few years older than their peers and Zim a bit younger. Altogether the three looked like two older students who had been held back a year or two for goofing off and a gifted child who had been moved ahead, for all Dib knew that was exactly the case.

Dib looked uneasily to his side at the hovering video screen his Father was using to join in the night's events. The holographic disguise he wore really was convincing, especially since it was being viewed from fewer angles and he had already complemented Dib on it multiple times this evening. However, that was more jarring in some ways than the rest of this situation; he couldn't remember the last time his Father had praised something he made that wasn't for school. The smile his Father gave him felt equally foreign, and not just because of the human facade painted over it. Nervously he lead the screen through the crowds of people.

"....And then last year we went on a cruise" the twins' Father boasted to a crowd of uninterested parents in an over the top accent that screamed 'nouveau riche'.

"I like boats" his wife added with a vacant giggle. The man's attention then fell upon Dib and his Father as they walked by.

"Look Honeydew! This new boy's Father is a talking head! What will they think of next?"

His wife waved and flashed a Barbie Doll smile "I like boats" This explained _so much_.

"Oh, I'm not only a head" the professor answered jovially "I'm just using this screen to take part in Parent-Teacher night; I double booked myself, you see, so I'm transmitting live from my hotel room. You know how it is" Good cover story, Dad. It seemed to satisfy the other parents, or perhaps they were just so glad that somebody else was speaking that they didn't bother to question it. Either way, after a few minutes of pleasantries the pair excused themselves and went to speak with the teacher.

They found her surrounded by several of the parents, whom she was addressing with her customary crushing bluntness. "When you were my students I said you'd amount to nothing, and I was right: you're all _nothing_"

"What about me?" Mr. Red-and-Purple's-dad interjected "You must have seen the recent news piece on me"

His wife smiled at the teacher, despite not being a former student, and added her two cents "I like boats"

Miss Bitters looked even less impressed than usual "As I said, nothing. Except for him" she added, pointing to Membrane's screen "But he was never one of my students, so don't get your hopes up"

Dib smiled at the backhanded compliment and the easy way his Father introduced himself to his teacher, this was going surprisingly well.

For the next hour or so the evening went smoothly, Dib and his Father made their way from group to group, introducing themselves and taking part in small talk. His Father had always been adept at charming the crowds that came to see his latest breakthrough, but that skill seemed to translate to more intimate settings as well. Not to mention the way he managed to talk about Dib's achievements 'at his old school', these were all based on things that had really happened, but he had managed to talk about them in a way that didn't give away that they happened on another planet. They weren't all academic either, things like the time he'd found and rescued a missing person while ghost hunting in the woods; even the way he mentioned the ghost hunting was different, free of the discouraged sigh that the words used to accompany. Between groups the two Vortians talked between each other about how school and work had been and somehow the two events Dib had been dreading came together to become something better than he could have ever imagined.

Until a sound like a woman screaming pierced through the room.

In reality, the source of the scream had been male, specifically Mr. Elliot, in front of him a crude metal arm sparked and lashed like a mechanical snake. A few feet away from the chaos that was unfolding, a poorly made robotic man slammed into the wall repeatedly, his one arm matching the one on the ground. An equally shoddy robot woman splashed him with punch, exacerbating his condition as he short circuited from the liquid, before she descended upon an unfortunate group of parents. In the middle of it all was Zim, desperately trying to convince Mr. Elliot that it was perfectly normal for the robot’s arm to detach as the man continued to shriek.

“Ooh!” Purple winced in mock sympathy as he rested an elbow on the top of Dib’s head, thankfully missing his horns, he really didn’t want to have to explain why a space that didn’t appear to have anything felt solid “First year out of teacher’s college and Mr. Elliot’s already gotten the full ‘roboparents’ experience”

Dib moved the elbow away and gave them a confused look “Roboparents?”

Red sighed “Right, new guy. Basically, Zim’s parents never go to parent teacher night, so every year he brings these two crappy robots instead, and they always malfunction" he took a sip of his punch "This isn’t the first time they’ve fallen apart either; I swear those things look worse every year”

“Hey, remember the time the robomom’s head shot off?” Purple interjected, spraying doughnut crumbs everywhere

“And it kept talking!” Red finished “I thought Mrs. Cloven was gonna have a heart attack!”

As the two broke down in hysterical laughter, Dib took the opportunity to slip away, weaving his way through the thick crowd. When he finally broke through he saw what the source of this new commotion was; behind him the adults had gathered around one of the Mothers, now in a catatonic state with her face covered in pressure marks from being poked by the robomom, even his Father’s screen was floating nearby walking the crowd through the steps to treat her.

On the other side of the room the culprit was dancing arm-in-arm with her 'husband', while Zim was brandishing the no longer sparking arm of the robodad and screaming for them to stop dancing and take him home (How could anyone scream that much without hurting their throat?). Eventually he got their attention and the robomom bent over to scoop him up “Aww, do you want to go home sweetie?”

Zim reached his hands to let her pick him up, his eyes were wide, but in a happy way, as if he’d been waiting to hear the words all evening “Yes” The blissful smile he gave as the robomom cradled him and he rested his head on her shoulder looked out of place on somebody being held by something so unsettling looking. Dib watched on in stunned silence as the two robots flew out the window and back to the house, when he looked over his shoulder he saw that not a single person was paying attention. How was nobody paying attention!?

Still, Dib couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling this gave him that all wasn’t quite right, that he needed to step in and do something. He turned back to the unnoticing crowd; the woman had now recovered and her family, along with a few other parents, were thanking his Father for his help. He waited a few moments longer before approaching

“Um, Dad? Would it be alright if we left now?” He asked “There-There’s something I need to take care of”

The screen turned in mid-air to face Dib “Of course, son! Is it anything I can help with?”

Dib smiled uneasily as he lead the way and held the door open to let the screen fly through; it was still so surreal to just be having a normal conversation like this, yet as far as those people in the classroom knew things had been like this his entire life, instead of less than a day. “I don’t know Dad, I’m not even sure what the problem is. But I’m pretty sure someone in my class is going through a difficult time, I don’t know what it is yet, but I want to help”

The professor smiled warmly “I’m proud of you, Dib. I admit, I still don’t fully understand your chosen career path, but I can appreciate your dedication to it, and the joy it seems to be bringing you” Dib looked up at the screen as he left the school and began the journey home, he felt like he had entered the Twilight Zone, but one of the happier episodes, like the one where the homeless man becomes Santa. “I know it must have been difficult for you to ask me for help, but....I’m glad that you did, that you gave me the chance to see the wonderful young man you’ve matured into, I know your mother would have been proud of you too.”

Both men were getting a little misty eyed now “Thanks, Dad. For tonight, it’s really- It’s really meant a lot to me”

* * *

Elsewhere Zim was joylessly dragging the now deactivated robodad over to the work bench, he’d already put the robomom away in the usual storage cupboard by the door, but the robodad needed repairs first. It was just well, he needed a distraction after the fiasco that had transpired at the school; he’d always hated parent teacher night, it was a bitter, annual reminder of how- Of how horrible these robots were!

Just as he was beginning to re-attach the robodad’s arm, the doorbell rang. Zim gave an exasperated sigh and pressed a button on a screen by the work bench, the screen lit up with the image of a familiar bespectacled face

“Hey there Zim! Look, I know it’s a bit late, but I saw what happened at school tonight and I wanted to make sure you were alright”

It wasn’t that late, he’d be up for a few hours yet, still he gave the screen the same look he gave all decisions he bothered to invest time in, whether it was making changes to blue prints or choosing which identical copy of his outfit to wear that day; a look as if the choice he made would have far reaching consequences. Eventually he reached a decision and flicked the switch to let Dib in “Intrude!”

“Uh....Thanks?” Dib said as he entered the house, he wasn’t really sure what to make of that greeting, or of the house; it didn’t look too strange at a glance, then again he probably wasn’t the best judge of what a normal Earth house should look like. However the second hall closet _did_ look out of place....

“Don’t touch that!” Dib tore his gaze away from the door and followed the sound of Zim’s voice through the living room to where the boy was repairing the robot.

“What was all of that!?” Dib asked “The robots-”

Zim cut him off “You wanted to see if I was alright and as you can see I am unharmed, now be gone with you” he finished with a wave of his hand.

Dib realised he’d hit a nerve “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I really was worried though, Red and Purple said you always bring the robots to parent teacher night, so....”

Zim set his tools down and sighed, evidently the robodad wasn’t going to be fixed until tomorrow “They’re at work” he stated simply “If that’s what you were worried about: they aren’t dead, they didn’t run away and completely abandon us, they’re just at work” Zim hopped down from the step stool he’d been standing on and walked into the kitchen where Dib followed, the Vortian had to admit he was relieved to know the children’s parents were still there in some capacity, but at the same time this raised more questions, questions he suspected he already knew the answers to.

“So, what do your parents do, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Zim was already on another step stool and had taken two bowls out of a cupboard “They’re scientists” he said as he filled one of the bowls with potato chips “Gir! Your dinner’s ready!” within seconds Gir scampered into the kitchen and was handed the bowl of chips “Go eat these in your room, alright Gir?”

Gir nodded before running up the stairs.

“Remember, in _your_ room! I don’t want you getting chip crumbs all over my bed!” Zim shouted before grabbing a box of cereal that seemed to be about 90% marshmallows to pour into his own bowl “As I was saying; our parents are scientists: the two foremost experts in every scientific field, without whom the world falls into chaos” Zim explained, clearly quoting a PR line as his voice took an unenthusiastic tone towards the end, he shook the cereal box in an offering gesture and Dib shook his head ‘no-thank-you’; besides finding the cereal unappealing what he was hearing was hitting a little too close to home.

Zim shrugged and continued “They’re the minds responsible for such marvelous breakthroughs as laser weasels, the cure for hyperplasia, ultra crepes, and their finest creation: me” he finished with an obvious note of pride in both his tone and body language before adding “Gir and I are the first humans to be artificially grown in a laboratory”

“Wait, how do you know you were made in a laboratory?” Dib asked, trying to create a short break in the heavy conversation.

Zim replied by gesturing to a pair of framed clippings showing a couple holding two different babies: one had a small patch of dark hair and the other’s was flaxen, the poor print quality obscured the faces, but the dark haired child could just be seen in the second photo. “Besides that, they told me so when they started making Gir, it explains why neither of us have navels, anyway”

Dib took in the series of photos and articles adorning the wall, each one celebrating the achievements of a husband and wife scientist team; it wasn’t too different from the one wall in his childhood home.

By this point Zim had seated himself on the sofa, how he managed it without spilling his cereal when his feet didn’t quite reach the ground was anyone’s guess, and had the remote control in his hand. “Well, Dib. Shall we see what was more important than parent-teacher night _this_ year?” Zim asked before switching the television set on, immediately a news piece popped up and Dib walked over to take a closer look.

The screen showed a man and woman that did, indeed, bare a resemblance to the two brothers “Oh look, mom and dad missed parent teacher night to perfect a cure for a rare disease with only five known cases worldwide, how nice” Zim said bitterly before shoving a spoonful of cereal in his mouth. In another situation the juxtaposition of Zim’s sour expression and the sugary cereal would have been funny, but Dib just found the scene heartbreakingly familiar; he had no idea how many school and extracurricular events his Father had missed over the years, how many times he and Gaz had to take care of the everyday things that parents normally would have because there was nobody else, eventually leading to Dib learning how to cook and Gaz learning to reprogram the kitchen-bot so they would have options that weren’t instant and prepackaged when it broke down.

Even the bitter way Zim regarded the news report was something Dib had more experience with than he’d care to admit; he knew his Father’s work was important and helped countless people, but that didn’t take away the sting of feeling that he had chosen the rest of the universe over his own children, nor the conflicted feelings that came from wanting him to be there for them anyway. Maybe it was selfish to want his Father to set the universe aside for just two people, but he couldn't help it, he was a child then; there were countless scientists out there for the cosmos to benefit from, but Dib and Gaz only had one parent, or at least by that point they did. Eventually things started to get better, but growing up Dib and Gaz realised that work was their Father’s coping mechanism and they would just have to deal with it. By themselves. But maybe....maybe Zim and Gir wouldn't have to, maybe Dib could make sure they wouldn't.

"Zim...." Dib said sympathetically "I'm so sorry...."

Zim huffed "Don't be. Zim needs no pity!" And scooped another spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

"I didn't mean it like that, but I went through something similar with my Dad when I was growing up" Dib explained in his best 'older brother' voice "What I’m trying to say is I understand what you're going through, so if you need-Want!" Dib quickly corrected himself before the conversation could be derailed by semantics "If either of you _want_ to talk about it, or maybe have someone do the things a parent would; like actually cook a proper dinner once in awhile, so you and Gir aren't living off of snack foods, just....let me know, alright?"

Zim looked at him thoughtfully for a moment "Marshmallow puff cereal is a tolerable part of a balanced breakfast, according to the commercials"

Dib's hand met his face.

"But I'll consider your offer and let you know if you're services are required" Zim said as if he were speaking to a contractor about the quote they'd given for a landscaping job "Now if you'll excuse me, I have repairs to do" Dib nodded and took his cue to leave "See you at school tomorrow, Zim" The boy's haughty facade faltered ever so slightly "See you at school, Dib goat"

A few minutes later, Dib was in his own house again, he flopped onto his sofa and switched off his disguise; it had been a long, emotionally draining day, and he was glad to see the end of it. It was then he felt his hand brush against something smooth and flat, the video screen. It was still an alien thought, but then again he _was_ technically an alien here, he pressed the call button and waited. Moments later he was rewarded with the image of his Father.

"Hello son, finished with the business you had to take care of, I presume? How did it go?"

"Stubborn" Dib answered "Enough to put the star donkey to shame" The Professor held his tongue in regards to his thoughts on the star donkey and how real or not real he believed it to be; he was trying to be more supportive, after all. "But I offered my help" Dib smiled, looking towards the neighbouring house and it's two occupants "And I think it's appreciated, in a way"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it, I promise things will get better for Zim & Gir by the end of the story. Speaking of, next chapter will be the first one from Zim's perspective, which I'm looking forward to.
> 
> And this is also why I made the Membranes Vortians; we know from the comics that Vortian children are usually raised by their parents, and the parallels between Zim & Dib's family will be an important part of the story, along with how everyone got to where they are now.
> 
> I admit I was a little worried that I went too far with the part about Red & Purple's family; I know there are some women that do that and Lucky Rabbit, who has been acting as my sounding board for the last little bit, said to go for it (Though I did manage to slip in my nod to "The Librarians" with the boats joke). I will admit taking the "entitled children of wealthy parents" route for them feels a little weird though, considering Zim's parents likely make more money...
> 
> As usual, I really enjoy reading your comments so feel free to share your thoughts (-^.^-)


	4. Quiz Show Battle Royale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, the response I've gotten to the last chapter has been fantastic (-^.^-) it's the first one to touch on some of the heavier plot so I was anxious to see what everyone would think of it (especially since I was homeschooled and both my paretns worked from home for years, so I was basically writing the opposite of my own childhood), so seeing everyone's comments on it really made my day.
> 
> Now, we've finally made it to the first chapter from Zim's perspective, this one was a lot of fun to write (especially some of the descriptions, Zim gets some of the best descriptions). I may have to adjust my upload schedule by a few days because of school, especially since what would normally be my next upload day I have classes for most of. There are notes and a preview at the end, enjoy everyone.

"Bag of cookies, vinyl gloves, bottle of paste" Zim muttered as he took inventory of his backpack, he had important business to attend to that evening and didn't want to be caught unprepared "Antihistamines, bottled water, wait a minute! Where's my permission slip!?" He began to look around for it frantically "There's no point in going if I don't have my-" he spotted it on the desk and placed it in a pocket on his backpack along with a spare copy. "There!" He declared triumphantly, taking a moment to survey his handiwork before slipping the backpack on and marching downstairs. As he passed by the living room he saw Gir in his usual spot on the sofa, watching some terrible animal show "Gir! I'm going to the studio downtown, don't break anything while I'm gone!" He shouted as he opened the door, receiving a chipper "Ookie dokie" in return, and with that Zim was off.

The permission slip was for the annual week long camping trip Zim's after school cadets group went on once the weather was warm enough. He found it a bit odd that this year Red and Purple had made it a requirement to have a permission slip signed by a parent or guardian, but decided that if they had been put in charge years before reaching adulthood, they must know what they were doing.

It was bold to assume that of anyone involved in running the cadet group, considering Zim's own registration had been the result of people hearing the same thing, but interpreting it in very different ways. The school first raised the suggestion after a series of fires and explosions caused by Zim 'experimenting', thinking it would help him to learn 'discipline', his parents heard the suggestion as giving their eldest a socially acceptable outlet for his pyromania. Zim, on the other hand, saw it as training for his budding goal of world conquest and showed a level of dedication above and beyond what was expected of him, with mixed results. Either way, the fact of the matter was that he now had to get his permission slip signed and nothing was going to stop him.

* * *

"What do you mean 'No'!?" Zim shouted.

"Sorry kid, the rules say no unauthorised personnel allowed" the security guard said with an apologetic shrug, he'd just dumped gasoline on the proverbial fire.

"UNAUTHORISED!? You dare deem _me_, your bosses' firstborn, unauthorised!? I outrank you!" Zim shouted up at the man like a chihuahua attempting to assert its' dominance over a great Dane "Surely you must notice some family resemblance! Call them out here to have them confirm it, check my health card, run a DNA test!"

The guard looked down at the child, more than a little uncomfortable with the scene he was making (why did he always get the screamy ones?) "Look, kid, I'm just doing my job, the only way you're getting in here is as a contestant to be in the studio audience"

Zim's eyes narrowed "And how _do_ I become a contestant for the studio audience?" He hissed.

"With one of these audience contestant I.D. cards!" The guard answered brightly as he slipped a lanyard with an I.D. card over Zim's head "In you go" the guard stepped aside and let Zim through the now open door.

Now that he was in the building, he had no intention of doing whatever tests the contestants were expected to slog through, he'd just slip past the staff to where his parents were. Or at least, that had been his plan; once he was a few feet in a large metal claw reached down and grabbed him by the backpack, carrying him along like a crane game prize before unceremoniously dropping him into a seat. A desk rose up in front of him with a few papers sitting face down on it.

"The first test will be a quiz on science and the professors' careers" a computer voice announced overhead "When you're done hold up your test for marking"

Zim turned his paper over and began to write, some of the questions were fairly simple ones anybody would know the answer to, others were more difficult than you would expect of a quiz given to children. In his place, most would have found it curious as well how several of the answers related to Zim and Gir in some way, however to Zim's egocentric perspective there was nothing unusual about it; as his parents' greatest creation it was only natural that he'd feature prominently in the section on their careers. It was this same mindset that allowed him to remain confident while the other children began worrying as they saw others be assessed and realised just how high a passing score was for this test.

Soon he had finished writing and held up his test for assessment, the robot dropped down and took the papers, buzzing quietly for a moment as it checked the answers.

"Your score is 95%" it finally said, breaking Zim's confident veneer as he stared at the machine with a mixture of shock, fury, and horror. "Congratulations!"

The robot continued sending out a small shower of confetti before Zim's desk was sent on to the location of the next test, it's occupant still screaming at the machine for deeming 5% of his answers incorrect. The door slammed shut behind him leaving only a divide between the average children who glared after him with confused irritation that he considered 95% unsatisfactory, and the gifted children who understood exactly how he felt and didn't bat an eyelash at his outburst.

* * *

The final test was in a slightly larger than expected arena with two seats on opposite corners and a rack holding giant beakers, tweezers, and other similar items.

"Competitors will now choose a science tool as their weapon to fight for a spot in the audience" the robot voice said in a tone that was just a little too enthusiastic for somebody narrating what was essentially a children's gladiator match. Zim made his way to the rack, silently bemoaning the lack of anything sharp, and eventually settled on the tweezers. Once he made his choice the rack sank into the floor, a vest with a red bullseye was slipped on him and a large, lumpy boy walked into the arena.

"Hello, my name Shunk" the boy said in fractured English but with as friendly a voice as he could manage, that friendliness was completely lost on Zim, who regarded him with no small amount of discomfort. First of all, Shunk was huge: he was several inches taller than Zim and far bulkier, not that Zim was worried about fighting him, but he looked like a hybrid of the archetypal Frankenstein monster and a snowman somebody had made while intoxicated. Shunk smiled and reached a hand out, drawing attention to the fact that he was holding a giant Q-tip; now that was just unfair. Why did he get the lighter weapon?

"It ok" Shunk said, misinterpreting Zim's discomfort as fear caused by their size difference "We work together! We end game in tie and both go see show" Unfortunately, he had made the fatal mistake of offering help when the already high-strung boy was even more agitated than usual, resulting in his offer being interpreted as an insult.

“Collaborate with _you_!?” Zim shouted, winding up to swing his tweezers “Zim needs no truce!” unfortunately his lack of experience with the weapon and its large size compared to him threw off his balance. His swing missed its target entirely and he tumbled over, inadvertently headbutting the bullseye on Shunk’s chest.

”Nooo! Now Shunk’s dreams not come true!” the larger boy cried.

Zim looked around dazedly as he righted himself before his eyes settled on the glowing blue bullseye, instantly he returned to normal and cackled "Victory!"

"And that's round one!" The computer voice cheered "Competitors, go to your corners to prepare for round two"

Both children went to their colour coded seats at opposite corners of the arena, Zim silently wondering why this computer personality couldn't be the one installed in his house. While they sat a pair of cables descended from the ceiling, each attaching itself to the back of one child's harness and pulling them to their feet. Parts of the arena floor sank downward, leaving a patchwork of standing platforms separated by deep ravines, which were illuminated by the flames that suddenly flickered to life.

Overhead the computer announced "Use your knowledge of combustion in round two: Pyromania!"

Zim looked up questioningly, was that supposed to be a pun or did they just not think the title through? He didn't have time to muse on it, however, as Shunk came barreling towards him and he leapt out of the way. Clearly this was a two-out-of-three affair, all he had to do was win this round and he'd be on his way. He blocked another jab of Shunk's Q-tip and attempted a jab of his own, only to be blocked as well. After trying and failing to maneuver the tweezers to the target, Zim pushed himself back to break the stalemate, looking for another angle he could use.

As he sailed back towards the net encasing the arena he smiled smugly to himself; it seemed that he had the superior weapon after all. Or at least, his was more versatile for this round; after all, Shunk's Q-tip was made of paper and cotton, if he wasn't careful the bursts of flames shooting up throughout the arena would set it on fire and leave him unarmed. Zim's metal tweezers, on the other hand, could withstand the heat. In fact, the hot metal would make his weapon more formidable than ever before. His gloating internal monologue was cut short as he became aware of an uncomfortable feeling from around his hands and chest.

"Ow! Ow! HOT~!"

He screamed as he fumbled with his tweezers before dropping them; evidently he had forgotten that the flames heating the metal would not only make them a better weapon, but also make them more difficult to hold. Zim stared as the tweezers clattered to the ground below, curse you heat conductivity, and grabbed onto the netting near the top. His gloves and the multiple layers of clothing he habitually wore protected him from burns, not to mention the flame retardant material the vest was made from, but he was now unarmed and forced to rethink is strategy.

Zim's planning was cut short when he felt the netting he was clinging to shake violently, as he adjusted his grip on the net he looked down to see Shunk using his full body weight to send shock waves through the rope walls.

"Come down" Shunk called, his voice much calmer than you would expect of somebody in the middle of a fight.

"No!" Zim shouted back, tightening his grip on the rope.

"Come down and face Shunk" Shunk smiled.

Zim held firm "Never!"

"Look, Shunk no want to hurt tiny scream boy, Shunk just want to see science show, is very important to Shunk. Shunk always have big, weird head, Shunk thought would be bad forever until science show give hope head could be fixed one day" The boy's words were completely lost on Zim, who was preoccupied with wondering how he ever passed the exam with such poor English to register what he said; he didn’t even have a trace of an accent to suggest there was another language he was better spoken in. This provided just the opening Shunk needed as Zim’s thoughts distracted him from maintaining his grip on the net, a quick body slam was all that was needed to shake him off.

Shunk jabbed his Q-tip at Zim’s target as he fell, but wasn’t quick enough to make it; instead of trying again he grabbed the rope as it went taught, using it to pull him up until the flailing boy was dangling in front of him. Zim kicked and punched at the air, but Shunk was undeterred and deftly poked the target with a finger. As soon as the red light went on the arena returned to normal and the cables detached, causing Zim to land uncomfortably on his backpack.

“And that’s round two!” the computer declared enthusiastically “The tie breaker round will test your knowledge of the insect world: Cyberachnid Wars!”

Both children were fitted with mechanical suits in the shape of a spider’s body while Zim stared up in confusion.

“Spider robots? But spiders aren’t insects!” 

A dinging noise sounded overhead “Correct! You get a 10 second advantage!”

A set of spider legs sprouted out of Zim’s suit and he staggered about like Bambi on ice while he familiarised himself with the controls, as he tried to close the distance between himself and Shunk to press the target, the 10 seconds ended and the other child’s suit activated. One of the legs of Shunk's spider suit swung at Zim's in a low sweep, which he quickly dodged before skittering into the netting.

If nothing else, at least he now knew why the walls were set up like this; they were essentially a giant, fireproof spider web, which the legs of his suit were perfect for navigating. Shunk followed him up and Zim struck at him, hoping to take advantage of his better mastery of the controls to flip him over, unfortunately moving him proved to be difficult with the spindly limbs and how large Shunk was. Furthermore, while Zim had adapted to the controls easily (he'd have to build himself a set when he got home, perhaps without the bodysuit and fewer legs), Shunk had not, resulting in movements that were difficult to predict and preventing Zim from getting close enough to have better leverage. This thing had to have some sort of projectile weapon.

He got his answer when a spray of web from his opponent caught his suit’s legs. Both boys were taken by surprise and Zim began frantically searching the controls for a way to either activate his own web or free his legs, whichever happened first. It turned out to be the former as Zim’s own web spray attached to the ceiling, pulling him away from Shunk, but also leaving him swinging back and forth suspended from the ceiling with no way to get down. In a bold move, Shunk leapt at him when he got close and successfully grabbed onto Zim’s web; at this point the blood was rushing to Zim’s head, so it didn’t register that the other boy was cutting the line until he felt himself drop.

However, Shunk had carelessly made his cut above where he was holding on and both children fell. Zim’s spider suit popped open on impact and he scrambled backwards to avoid having the larger boy land on him. A second later Shunk hit the ground and was released from his own suit, Zim searched for some way to gain the upper hand; he was much smaller than his opponent and had nothing he could use as a weapon against the larger boy barreling towards him. Then an idea struck him, perhaps it was a bit unfair, but so was the fact that he had to go through all this trouble just to get his parents to sign a permission slip.

“WAIT!” he screamed as Shunk tackled him, pinning him to the ground, fortunately without pressing the target. “I’ve reconsidered your offer for a tie”

The other boy’s face brightened and any trace of aggression disappeared “Really? You want to tie game with Shunk?”

Zim gave an adorable, if slightly wicked, smile “_Of course_ I do”

When Shunk leaned in to shake hands Zim delivered a sharp kick to his solar plexus, planting his foot in Shunk’s target. A ‘ding’ noise sounded as the target lit up and a look of realisation came over Shunk’s face

“It was trick!? Tiny scream boy betray Shunk!” the larger child wailed, kneeling on the floor in despair while the smaller posed triumphantly in front of the celebratory firecrackers

“Yes! Victory! Victory for ZIIIM!”

A handful of security guards poured into the arena to escourt the two children to their respective places, either in the audience seating or outside the building “Alright, tiny” the largest guard said taking ahold of Zim’s backpack “Just have to do a bag inspection and you can go in”

Zim’s eyes went wide “Don’t touch my backpack!” he screamed as he jerked away from the guard, the strap slipped off his shoulder on one side and he protectively hugged the bag close to his chest; there were important things in there and he didn’t like being separated from it while outside his house, or strange people rifling through it.

The guard was confused by the child's behaviour, but remained stoic “Sorry tiny, but it’s standard procedure, some kids bring their experiments and the station could be sued if something blows up where it’s not supposed to”

Zim glanced to the side, the door to the studio was open, worst case scenario he could probably run in “I don’t have any experiments with me!” Zim snapped “And _nobody_ touches my backpack” he scowled up at the guard as he took a step back, inching towards the door.

Even covered by sunglasses, you could practically feel the guard’s eyes rolling, this show attracted the weirdest kids. “Look, I don’t make the rules, but if you won’t let us check your bag we’ll have to disqualify you and let the other guy in” the guard said, pointing a thumb to where the other guards were trying to calm down the still crying Shunk.

“But _I **won****!**_” Zim shouted as he took another step back.

“It’s no big deal, I just need a few seconds to look in the bag and you can go in” the guard said, now sounding slightly irritated.

Zim slipped the backpack back on and glared up at the guard defiantly “**I. _Said. NO!_**” he shouted as he jumped up a delivered a swift kick to the security guard’s groin. He laughed victoriously as he landed before realising that his attack had no effect on the guard beyond a brief, annoyed, eye twitch.

“Oh come on!” Zim shouted “How did that not work!? In the self defense videos it always reduced the other guy to a quivering pile of jelly!”

The guard looked down at Zim unimpressed “I’m a woman” she said flatly earning herself a confused look from the boy.

“Eh? What do your chromosomes have to do with it?” he asked, not understanding there were multiple reasons why it wouldn’t work, including that she’d likely experienced worse on a regular basis. After a moment Zim realised that perhaps he shouldn’t be standing there trying to figure it out when a person several times his size and becoming increasingly annoyed with his antics was looming over him and bolted through the door into the studio.

The security team quickly followed after, with one exception “Can Shunk come too?” the lumpy boy asked looking hopefully up at one of the security guards, clutching a fistful of the man’s shirt. He looked down at the child, sweet goodness he was ugly, but even so he couldn’t bring himself to disappoint him.

“Sure, come on kid, I’ll get you a seat” he said warmly.

Shunk’s eyes brightened as he took the man’s hand was escourted to a vacant seat “Thank you!” Shunk squealed as he settled into the chair.

The guard smiled “You’re welcome, kid” he gave Shunk a pat on the head before joining the rest of the team.

Meanwhile, Zim was standing in the audience seating, scanning it for a place to hide; as much as he normally cursed his small stature, one advantage that it granted was the ability to hide easily when necessary. All he needed to do was find a seat near, but not on, the far end where he could blend in for now, then make his way towards the stage once security left. _There_. He could see the security guards following after him, but if he hurried, he should be able to make it.

"ZIM!"

In an instant everything froze "Look children! We have special guest tonight" Zim's Father exclaimed "What do you say, son? Want to join us?"

A bright eyed smile briefly crossed Zim's face "Yes"

As he began descending the staircase he flashed a smug grin at the security guards, who were starting to understand just how the guards from 'The Prince and the Pauper' felt upon realising the little ragamuffin they had been chasing could, in fact, have them all fired.

After being helped onto the stage Zim joined his parents behind the lead shield that had been set up on one side.

"Everyone, meet our son, Zim!" His Father said, by this point the initial surprise had worn off and Zim was smiling and waving to the camera, clearly relishing the attention. His Mother took over, introducing the experiment which demonstrated electrical conductivity by running an electrical charge through a line of ‘volunteers’, which mostly consisted of children whose parents had signed them up hoping that being on TV would get them ‘discovered’. One child at the far end of the line held a lightbulb in their hand which would light up once the current passed through them.

With the first experiment detailed Zim’s Mother guided him over to a large, red button “Well sweetie, do you want to start it?”

Zim looked at the line of children and smiled mischievously “Yes” His small, gloved hand pressed the button and activated the current and Zim beamed up at his parents as the other children screamed from the shock they received. The shock was low, and they had all been screened for heart problems, so it was OK, doubly so for the happy time Zim spent filming the episode with his parents.

* * *

Later that evening Zim returned home in an unusually good mood, the warmer weather came with longer daylight hours, so the stars were just starting to peek out as he walked into the house and found Gir once again on the sofa, now with a discarded colouring book sitting nearby.

"Lookit big brother, you're on the TV!" He chirped as he noticed Zim walking in, pointing at the television set. The older boy glanced curiously at the screen and, sure enough, there he was with his parents; the episode they'd just filmed was already airing. Zim wordlessly climbed onto the sofa and joined his brother in watching the show, as he watched he noticed a strange feeling coming over him, one that was familiar and yet not.

"Aww! You look so happy"

Zim turned towards Gir in surprise; he was right, he was happy, both in the video and now, though perhaps with a bit of wistfulness mixed in now, which he chose to ignore as he settled back in.

The two watched the rest of the episode in silence, neither wanting to break the warm mood that had settled over the house. It wasn't until the end credits rolled that Gir finally spoke "Is that what you went to the studio for?"

Zim froze at the question. The permission slip, he never got it signed! Quickly he grabbed his backpack to check and noticed that the pocket he'd put it in was open, worriedly he checked inside and, as he feared, saw that both copies were gone; he couldn't even go back and try again. Cursed security guard, the zipper must have opened up when she tried searching it.

Gir patted his big brother's shoulder as he screamed in frustration "Aww, don't be sad! You still have to open your present!"

Zim looked at Gir in confusion "Present?"

"Uh-huh! It came a little before you got home" Gir said as he toddled over to the far side of the sofa and pulled out a box "It's got no G on it, that means it's your's, right?"

Sure enough, Zim's name was written on the box, and the lack of postmarks told him that it hadn't been mailed, but instead somebody had driven the box over, which meant there were only two people who could have sent it. As suspected the envelope inside bore the logo for his parents' laboratory, as did the accompanying I.D. card with his name on it, allowing him access to the lab and studio; he supposed it would be easier than having to sneak in when he needed supplies and equipment he couldn't get at home.

Next he turned his attention to the envelope and carefully opened the flap on the back, inside was one of the blank greeting cards sold at the gift shops of museums his parents were affiliated with, this particular design had a photo of Saturn on it. He'd seen the card dozens of times over the years, but wasn't sure what to make of it now; he didn't know what he had expected to find in the envelope, but this wasn't it, maybe what was inside would make more sense.

He opened the card found both copies of his permission slip, each bearing the signature of one of his parents; they must have found the papers after he left and had somebody drive them over. He quickly brought everything upstairs to his room and put both in a small box to keep them safe until it came time to hand them in. As he did, he noticed there was something written in the card as well and slowly sat down on his bed to read it

Hello sweetie

We saw that you dropped these when you were at the studio,  
so we took care of them for you.  
Have fun on your trip, and keep being amazing.  
From your biggest fans.  
Mom and Dad.

He definitely wasn't expecting that to be in the envelope. Nor was he expecting the trace of a smile that had found its' way onto his face, and the slight moisture gathering in his eyes- Curse you, pollen season. He sat there in silence for a minute as he re-read the note a few times over, before placing the card on the side table next to his bed, beside a framed photo taken several years ago when Zim was not much older than Gir.

The photo had been taken on a trip to the zoo with his parents, he was so tiny they had to hold him up for him to be in the frame with them as he hugged the wall-eyed plush moose he had gotten at the gift shop. It had probably been the least accurate toy in the store and was nearly as big as he was at the time, but it was purple and he wanted it so it had gone home with him. He still had it hidden away in a box under his bed and brought it out every now and then when he felt nostalgic.

There wouldn’t be any need for that tonight, though. As Zim left the room to prepare his and Gir’s dinner a feeling of warm contentment settled in his chest: Tonight had been a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit after some of the response the last chapter got I hope this one measures up; the way I imaginged Zim & Gir's parents is basically that they are actually fairly good parents when they're there. The problem started with a few late nights at work that eventually turned into a long term pattern, they're workaholics they always have been, and they think everything's fine and their children are alright being left alone because they never say otherwise. Meanwhile they have one child who's bothered by them always being away and misses the time when they were closer, but is too stubborn and proud to admit it, and another who has lived with things being this way most of his life and just thinks it's normal, so it's a viscious cycle of everyone making incorrect assumptions and not saying anything as a result. This is also why the roboparents are the way they are, they were hurridly cobbled together to act as temporary babysitters for a night or two, they were never intended to stay activated this long over even properly debugged.
> 
> We also have our first example of cut content; this was originally planned to be chapter 6, but then it replaced the original idea for chapter 4 when I couldn't develop it enough (Though I found a place for the idea I did have). There was also a cut joke about the one guard assuming Zim was 8 years old because of how small he is
> 
> I realised in the time after uploading the first couple of chapters that the story was starting to follow a bit of seasonality, which has been really helpful fine tuning the chapter order (as you may have guessed, it's going to be fairly different from the episode order). But it's also made me realise that, unless things either go really quickly or really slowly, odds are none of the holiday related episodes are going to be posted anywhere near their respective holidays, but I did write a bit of the Halloween chapter, so since it's still a while off, here are a couple of parts that won't give away future plot points.
> 
> Dib squinted at the unhappy, lumpy headed creature in front of him "Wait….are you supposed to be me?"
> 
> The creature nodded sadly, Dib rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably "Oh….wow, I _really_ need to work on my self image" a few moments of awkward silence elapsed before he spoke again "Well, thank you for your help" he said before running off "I promise to pick up some self-help books when I get home" "Thank you!" the lumpy Dib called as he waved goodbye.
> 
> * * *
> 
> "How do you not know how to get back!? This world is based on your mind!"
> 
> "I think it's based on _both_ of our minds" Dib said, pointing to an enormous golden statue of Zim posed dramatically a few metres away. The boy didn't appear to be convinced, and gave Dib a look as if another person's imagination having the statue didn't seem strange to him in the slightest.
> 
> * * *
> 
> That's about it for now, the next chapter should be interesting; it sets up a few important points, but was really uncooperative to write. It still has some nice moments though, and I'm really looking forward to chapter 6.
> 
> As usual feel free to shae your thoughts, I love reading them, and I'll see you next time everyone (^.^)/


	5. Prone to Strong Reactions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit, this one feels a little odd after the last two being so plot heavy, but this one properly introduces Zim's allergies (the reactions from the show were actually listed as allergies in the original pitch book) which pop up a few times. Still there are some parts I'm really happy with and I'm really excited for the next one. The full notes are at the end.

"Zim! Come back here with that!" Dib called across the lawn, sounding more tired than he would have liked.

"Never, Dib!" The boy in question shot back "With this I'll be able to complete my doomsday weapon and finally seize control of this filthy ball of dirt!" Zim was particularly theatrical today, it seemed.

"It's a _shower radio_, Zim!" Dib sighed loudly, "How do you expect to make a doomsday weapon out of a shower radio!?"

Zim scoffed in reply "You just can't see it's potential! Anything can be a weapon in the right hands!"

Dib pinched the space between his eyes; how often had this happened? He wasn't entirely sure, which was troubling considering he hadn't even been here long enough for that shrub Zim had 'rained doom' upon after realising Dib's hedge trimmer really was only good for trimming hedges to grow back. Not to mention his saying that anything could become dangerous in the right hands was more than a little worrisome, given how adept Zim’s hands seemed to be in bringing out the destructive potential in things.

It would appear Gir had inherited the same tendency as a few seconds later everything went spectacularly wrong.

First of all, Gir had been fitted with a toddler’s safety backpack, the type with a leash inside to keep him from wandering off. Second, Zim had not only dropped the leash while celebrating his acquisition of the ‘shower radio of doom’, but stepped into the handle loop without realising it was now wrapped around his ankle. Finally, the house across the street happened to be hosting a pre-weekend evening barbeque that day, and Gir’s normally flighty attention span locked onto the smell of grilling hotdogs.

The result was a scene like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon as Gir bolted across the, thankfully car-free, street dragging his screaming older brother behind him. Dib slowly crossed the lawn to retrieve the shower radio Zim had dropped as his feet were pulled out from under him, never taking his dumbfounded gaze off the madness unfolding across the way. He was snapped out of his stupor by a particularly impressive scream from Zim as a piece of meat fell off a neighbour’s plate and landed on the boy’s face, leaving a painful looking red welt when he slapped it off.

Now it would have made sense if he had gotten a burn from a piece of freshly cooked meat touching his skin, but the bright red colour of the offending hamburger patty indicated that it was uncooked.

“Whoops! Let me just clean you off there” one of the neighbours said, picking up the garden hose.

Zim’s eyes went wide in panic upon spotting it “I have plenty of tap water at home! Put that down! Get it away from **MEEEE!**” Several more screams followed as Zim was hosed down and the rest of his face began to turn red, he rolled up a sleeve revealing more reddening blotches where the fabric had soaked through, before running back into his house, and slamming the door behind him.

Now thoroughly confused, and more than a little concerned, Dib crossed the street to the one person he had any chance of getting answers from.

“Um, Gir? Is your brother alright?” he asked the child, who was currently eating some sort of meat tube wrapped in bread that reminded him of a snack food from his own planet.

“Should be, that happens to him sometimes. He’s prob’ly gonna need a nap though” Gir answered as he took a bite of his hotdog.

“....What?” Dib asked, more confused than ever.

“Some things make his skin go blotchy, then he takes a nap after and the blotches are gone” Gir shrugged “Oh! And it makes him super crabby, too!”

Gir's explanation didn't give Dib any clarity, nor did doing a quick search online for skin afflictions that could be cleared up by sleeping. Furthermore when he stopped by a few hours later to make sure everyone was alright, Zim's sour disposition made it clear that asking him directly was out of the question for the time being as well. Thus Dib had to resign himself to going without an answer for the evening; it was alright, tomorrow was Friday, Zim would probably be in a relatively better mood then.

Dib turned out to be correct in his presumption, the next morning went by uneventfully, and at lunch he and Skoodge were playing their usual round of the Capsulemon card game.

"Weird question, but do you know about Zim having some kind of skin condition? Yesterday his face turned red after getting sprayed with a garden hose, and that's what Gir made it sound like"

Skoodge shook his head "Not a skin condition, but he _does_ have another problem. You should probably ask him yourself though" he said, pointing the boy out "He gets a little....touchy about it" Dib nodded before walking over to the other table and to ask Zim who was busy with his usual sandwich.

"Hey Zim, you look better today" Dib greeted, Zim paused a moment before answering "I always look amazing, Dib goat" he said flatly.

Dib mentally sighed before pushing forward "Speaking of which, what exactly happened yesterday? I couldn't find anything that matched online"

Now Zim looked slightly annoyed "I don't _want_ to talk about it" he warned.

"I promise I'm not trying to pry" Dib replied, holding his hands up in a placating gesture "I was just worried something was wrong" Zim countered with a scowl of pure stubbornness

"You already saw yesterday that I had recovered, now be gone with you" he huffed with a dismissive wave of the hand and a bite of his sandwich. Dib took his cue to return to his table, but paused and turned back before taking his leave of the boy

"I understand you don't want to talk about it, but I really _was_ worried" he said sympathetically "If you change your mind, you can talk to me whenever you're ready"

“It didn’t go well?” Skoodge asked when Dib returned, he shook his head, discouraged

“Sometimes I really worry about that boy” he sighed.

Skoodge put a hand on Dib’s shoulder and smiled supportively “Welcome to my world, Dib. I’ve been worrying about him since first grade” he said a little too casually before returning to his seat. “But we’re here when he’s ready, so I think he’ll be alright” he added with a warm smile, showing maturity beyond his years, before motioning for Dib to sit back down with him and continuing their game.

* * *

Later that night Dib came upstairs from a long session of strolling through wiki pages, more than ready to go to sleep for the night, only to find somebody waiting for him in the living room. It was a normal sight to see Gaz on the sofa, busily working away at a project until all hours of the night, the girl very much adhered to her own personal schedule; but instead Dib found Zim, sitting on the sofa like he owned the place.

“Zim? What are you doing in my house? At this time of night?”

“You said I could talk about what happened when I was ready, I’m ready now” Zim replied as if the answer were obvious, causing Dib to pinch the bridge of his nose again.

“It’s the middle of the night, Zim!” he sighed. Just roll with it, Dib; this is what you signed up for, it’s not a school day tomorrow anyway “Fine. It’s fine. I _did_ say that, go ahead Zim, I’ll listen”

Zim nodded “Yes. Yes you will” doing a little ‘ahem’ gesture before continuing “What you saw the other day was AN ALLERGIC REACTION!” he was now posed dramatically with one foot planted in the armrest of the sofa. “Well, time to go home now” he said as he hopped off the chair and marched over to the door; one of the few similarities Dib had observed between Zim and his brother was how quickly both could completely switch gears.

“Wait, that’s _it_? Food allergies? _That’s_ your big secret!?” Dib asked, trying to hide the growing frustration he felt. He took a deep breath to calm himself down “Look, Zim. Allergies are nothing to be ashamed about, I’ve been allergic to dander since I was little” His voice was softer now; Zim was such a proud child, he could easily see him viewing his allergies as a frustrating weakness he wanted to keep secret, and he hoped sharing his own experience would help him feel better about it. Dib’s assumptions were completely wrong.

“I know that, Dib!” Zim replied, slightly annoyed “But I can’t be careless with who I entrust with such knowledge!”

“....Wouldn’t it be better to tell people about your allergies? So they can be careful not to expose you to it?” Dib asked, now thoroughly confused; it was _much_ too late at night for this.

“No!” Zim snapped “I can’t just tell anyone, Dib. Some people, upon finding out you have allergies, decide to be horrible trash monkeys about it!”

Dib recognised the signs of a budding monologue and took a comfortable, but not enough to fall asleep, seat as Zim continued to vent “A lot of people are too sloppy to avoid cross contamination. Some try to ‘test’ if you’re really allergic and think apologising makes it better when you have a reaction!” he seethed “And then there’s Chunk, who decided it would be the height of hilarity to THROW BOLOGNA AT THE PERSON WITH A MEAT ALLERGY AND WATCH HIS SKIN TURN RED!!”

“Wait, he did what!?” Dib interjected while Zim caught his breath after screaming “Did you tell anyone?” he asked, concerned.

“I didn’t have to” Zim replied smugly “I tampered with his sportsball helmet so I could delete his knowledge of my allergies from his brain when he put it on”

“Of course you did” Dib sighed as he buried his face in one hand; by now he should be used to the fact that Zim seemed to live life by the rule that anything worth doing was worth overdoing, dangers and consequences be damned.

“I also replaced the one swear word he knew with ‘rhubarb’” Zim added proudly, prompting a confused “What?” from Dib. This at least seemed to get the boy’s attention enough to receive an explanation “He had been so annoying about it! ‘Ooh! Look at me, I’m Chunk and I’m so mature because I can swear’” Zim continued in a mocking tone “Well, not anymore, Chunk monster! You should have seen his face when he realised he couldn’t say it”

Zim’s own face bore a slightly nostalgic smile, while Dib just looked exhausted “So, are there any other allergies I should know about?” the tired alien asked.

"Yes, Dib. **_So many_!**” Zim replied, dramatically clenching his fist (really, how did he have this much energy so late?) “But, if I list them now we’ll be here all night, come ask me tomorrow afternoon. Goodnight, Dib” And with that he returned to his own house, finally letting Dib go to bed.

* * *

The next day Dib found himself in front of Zim’s house, tablet in hand, ready to take notes. After a minute or so the door was answered and thus began the long process of documenting the child’s allergies.

In all fairness, the nearly two hours it took was not exclusively spent listing allergies; a few of them came with ‘anecdotes’ or explanations of how he avoided something, not to mention the clarification that he was not ‘allergic to water’, he was allergic to a pollutant _in_ the local water supply. In addition to allergies, there were a number of foods he simply disliked in one way or another that were listed as well: nothing too greasy, or more sour than an orange, nothing too spicy, and no boiling vegetables in water. Then came another angry rant about the stupidity he had faced, with an emphasis on the difficulties of eating out and “The stupid house drudges bringing their confectionery to the school bake sale and then refusing to disclose what’s in it. Zim cares not for their territorial ‘family secret recipe’ pettiness! I just want to buy an overpriced cookie that won’t make me sick!” all while the Vortian listened patiently and took his notes when needed.

What Dib came away with read like, well, he wasn't sure what it read like, but it was far more confusing than he would have expected from a list of allergies. While Dib had suffered from allergies to several varieties of animal hair since childhood, Zim seemed to be the opposite; having no problem with an animal's hair or plumage, instead being allergic to what was inside them. There didn't appear to be a single type of meat that was safe for him, though there was a hierarchy in terms of how badly he reacted, with small, light coloured varieties of fish meat apparently causing the least severe reaction and beef being the worst. He was allergic to beans as well, and a pollutant in tap water that his home filtration system removed, but for everywhere else he had to carry bottled water and hand sanitizer, and use PVA glue to protect his skin when it rained.

On top of that he only used certain brands of bottled water, and one brand of glue he couldn't use because it was animal based, there were a few cases like this where whether he could eat or drink something was a matter of brand. Not to mention weird paradoxes like Zim being allergic to pollen, but not the fruits or nuts that resulted, and somehow he could eat honey as well, despite both the allergy to pollen and a suspected allergy to bees. The whole thing made Dib's head spin, and breaking the list down by category into smaller ones did little to help. And Zim said that his allergies first started to express themselves when he was 4; how had he successfully kept everything straight when an adult couldn't? How had he even survived this long?

Even weirder was the fact that Gir apparently had no allergies at all.

It was then Dib made a decision, not the biggest decision he’d ever made, but one that would take a bit of time, and research.

* * *

First Dib sequestered himself in the basement lab, he would need the big computer for this, and transferred the list data onto the desktop. After a bit of work he eventually managed to create a definitive list of things that were absolutely out of the question, then source specific allergies, followed by a list of common food borne allergens for good measure, and a list for everything else.

After that came the research phase, for hours Dib scrolled through page after page: pediatric nutrition guidelines, vegetarian cooking blogs, cooking terminology, grocery store websites. The Vortian spent hours pouring over all of it and compiling more lists in his software, until he finally had created a searchable database listing what elements the average human child needed, this was connected to another list of which foods contain which elements, the latter cross-referenced with the lists of Zim’s allergies along with another list of items that could be used as substitutes for any ‘problem items’. He even included a list of which ones local grocery stores stocked, all he had to do was input the ingredient list from a chosen recipe and he’d be able to see at a glance if anything had to be altered or certain brands needed to be avoided, the estimated nutritional value of the dish, and a shopping list.

The next day he went to the grocery store, shopping list in hand, and with a copy of the database on his tablet to check against, ready to begin the next phase. The dish he'd chosen wasn't too complicated; this was just the first test and, the way he saw it, the fewer steps and ingredients, the less chance there was of getting something wrong. For the next half hour Dib meticulously chose each item and checked it off the list, a few times he had to ask the staff for help, some were helpful and some....less so. But eventually he managed to collect everything he needed and return home with his spoils.

Dib carefully read the instructions on the package and compared it to the cooking time from the recipe, and once it was late enough he set to work. He set two cooking pots on the stove, filling the largest with bottled water, before turning his attention to the produce, cleaning it before cutting each piece and setting it to simmer in a small amount of vegetable broth. He stayed by the stove adding what the recipe said when it said to, stirring it so it wouldn't burn, and thickening it with a bit of cream. He was just turning the heat on under the other pot when Gaz walked in on him and surveyed the kitchen

"I'm not going to eat that" she finally said.

Dib rolled his eyes, "I'm not expecting you to" he replied "I'm making this for Zim & Gir"

Gaz gave him an unreadable look. "The ones that keep stealing your stuff?" she asked.

Dib gave a small frown "Do you _have_ to make everything sound so bad?" he asked, discouraged "And yes, those two; I know I've told you more than that about them, and they’re pretty much living off of snack foods and take out. So yes, I’m making something healthy for them....even if one of them has a ton of allergies that makes it difficult” A look of realisation crossed Gaz’s face as it clicked exactly what had kept her brother out of her way last night, only to be quickly replaced by a more comfortable one of annoyed indifference.

“So let me get this straight,” Gaz said “You did how many hours of research yesterday? On top of the time spent buying groceries and cooking today, to make dinner for a couple of kids that can afford to live off take out? If they choose not to order anything healthy it’s their business”

“It’s not _just_ about being healthy Gaz, it about caring; I promised I’d be there for them since their parents aren’t, and that means having to accommodate Zim’s food allergies” Dib explained “You know what it was like for us growing up, it’s not exactly the same with Zim & Gir, but I have the chance to keep them from going through what we did. Didn’t you ever wish back then that somebody would take over and let us just be kids for a while?”

A heavy silence settled over the room for a minute as Gaz watched her brother with an ever so slightly softer version of her usual stern poker face. “You and your bleeding heart are lucky to have me here, otherwise the cold, merciless void of space would have torn you to pieces ages ago” she finally sighed as she returned to her work. Dib smiled at her in an unspoken understanding between siblings, she'd gotten it.

* * *

An hour or so later Dib was standing in front of the neighbouring house with a pair of large, flower patterned oven mitts protecting his hand from the heat radiating off the pot of food he held as he waited for his knock on the door to be answered.

When the door opened he was greeted by a confused look from Zim, directed at the ceramic cooking pot in the Vortian's hands. "Dib goat, what is _that_?"

"Oh! I made dinner for you two, like I said I would" Dib replied with an awkward smile, Zim jumped back and stared at the pot as if it were a vat of poison, causing Dib to roll his eyes "Calm down, spaz boy, of course I made sure to accommodate your allergies. I even used the right brand of water to cook it in, and let me tell you, it was _not_ easy finding a source of protein that wasn't meat, beans, or peanuts"

Zim slowly relaxed and returned to a confused expression "Why not peanuts?"

Now it was Dib's turn to look confused "You're not allergic to peanuts?" He asked

"Peanut butter is one of my main sources of protein" Zim replied casually "I thought I mentioned that" Even if he had, the list had been so long it was understandable that Dib would err on the side of caution.

"So let me get this straight: you have a list of allergies as big as you are, including unusual ones like meat, and a specific brand of salad dressing made in Florida. But you're not allergic to peanuts, one of the most common allergies there is, that even our negligent school attempts to ban. But you _are_ allergic to beans, which are in the same botanical family!?" Dib asked, growing increasingly flustered as he went, somehow it sounded even more nonsensical hearing it out loud.

"Yes" Zim replied flatly.

"Don't take this the wrong way, Zim" Dib said, trying to make his voice calm again "But, that's just dumb!"

Zim nodded in agreement, completely unfased by Dib freaking out once again "Dumb like a moose" The two stood there for a minute, neither breaking the silence or leaving the entry way, until Zim held his hands out. Dib hummed in confusion before Zim explained "You said you made that for me and Gir, I've decided we will eat your space food!"

"I used Earth food for this" Dib said, slightly confused "I wasn't going to use space food when you have this many problems with stuff from your own planet"

"Oh, that's too bad; I like the space food" Zim stated simply, it took a moment for the implications of what Zim had said to fully register.

"Wait, you've eaten space food before? When? How!?" Zim took a moment to relish in giving Dib a smug wouldn't-you-like-to-know smile before Gir ruined the mood by chiming in

"I sneaked it from your kitchen!"

Zim briefly shot Gir an annoyed scowl before elaborating "I did the same testing I normally do with new things to make sure it was safe, now give to Zim!"

"Oh! Right. Here you go" Dib replied as he handed the nearly forgotten crockery over, wondering if he'd just discovered what happened to Gaz's cereal the other day; she'd been so irritated that she'd shown Dib one of her works-in-progress in retaliation, always an unsettling experience. After receiving it, Zim stared thoughtfully at the heavy ceramic pot in his hands for a moment before finally voicing his question

"How much is in here?"

Dib was slightly caught off guard, "I'm not sure, enough for a few meals; I learnt a long time ago it was easier to cook in bulk and save the rest for later in the week" it wasn’t so much the question that puzzled him, rather the uncharacteristically quiet voice it had been asked in, lacking any trace of the boy’s usual dramatics. "If you're wondering about bringing it back, just take it with you the next time you-"

"What if you joined us?"

“Sure, I guess; we could put the leftovers in the freezer and I could take the pot back with me. Wait, are you inviting me?” It took a moment for it to fully sink in for both of them.

“I suppose so” Zim answered quietly, finally taking his eyes off the cookware and looking at Dib for a moment before regaining his usual haughty attitude “Yes! Yes I did! I have graciously invited you to join us for a meal of....eh....whatever this is. It’s not a soup, is it?”

Dib shook his head “It’s pasta with some kind of sauce”

Zim seemed satisfied with this answer as the look of disgust disappeared from his face “Good. Soup is horrible, the water looks all….dingy and everything in it gets mushy”

“It’s fun to say though!” Gir piped up “Soup soup soup soup” he sang as he jumped around his annoyed older brother.

“Gir, stop singing the soup song” Zim said through gritted teeth as he trudged into the house.

Dib followed behind, holding back some good-natured laughter. It was a small thing, but still important; Zim was starting to trust him, and that was a good sign. At least now he and Gir had somebody looking out for them, and for now that’s what mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this one was...interesting to write.
> 
> It's not as deeply rooted in a specific episode as the other chapters are, it was influenced by "The Wettening" & "Balonious Maximus", and I feel better about it after the last proof read, but not quite the same as I've felt about the other ones I've written. Plus I was worried about the venting scene; I have food allergies and so do a lot of people in my family (oddly mine actually includes an allergy to red meat), my mom actually can't travel by plane because even with the maximum epipen dose they can't land the plane fast enough. On the one hand it gives me real life experience to draw from (including an explanation of how Zim has allergies but Gir doesn't), on the other I was really worried about those parts crossing into feeling like personal venting being thrown in since it can be really jarring, and it's especially easy to fall into that with sci-fi & fantasy.
> 
> Granted I've seen a few stories do this and still enjoyed them despite a scene or two feeling out of place, but still I was worried, and we've all seen Zim vent to strangers about minor slights, he'd definitely vent about something big like this.
> 
> Also, on a fun side note, this was one of if not the last chapter to have work done on it before the movie came out so I ended up having a weirdly funny moment when I realised my joke about Zim not being allergic to peanuts was actually canon.
> 
> Either way, the next chapter is going to be fun, I'm looking forward to it. As usual please comment and tell me what you think, they really help me feel motivated.


	6. The Horrible Human Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one came out a bit later than usual, I'm in the middle of what's considered the busiest term of my program so I'm working on a slightly slower schedule for the next little bit (Also part of me imagines the child from the video looking like Recap Kid). Besides that, there's something from a later chapter that's being hinted at for the first time in this one and I'm curious if anyone will be able to guess what it is.

"Class, due to budget cuts we've been asked to keep actual teaching to a minimum this week. So for the rest of the lesson you'll be watching an educational video" Miss Bitters said dryly as she gestured to an ancient video player, resulting in loud cheering erupting throughout the classroom. "Today's video is part of the 'health and safety' series in an effort to help you squeeze a few more years out of your ever deteriorating mortal shells" she added as she fiddled with the machine. Zim had been watching the whole ordeal boredly, he was fairly certain he'd already seen every video in the school's library and just hoped this wouldn't be one of the ones with the alien child....again. There was something about the character that felt like he was being poked fun at, especially the voice.

After a few minutes the video set flickered to life, the logo was unfamiliar, as was the title 'Your Body and Germs' but years of seeing these videos made Zim confident he knew what to expect. When the image of a smiling cartoon child appeared on the screen he was certain this would be yet another video where angry grey or green blobs meant to be germs were fought by white blood cells with little spears and shields. He had no particular interest in contagion, being the more hands-on sort, so the video had little to offer him.

"Hello kids! Today we're going to learn about the human body, and how to keep it healthy" the overly enthusiastic narrator said "Meet little Mel” the ambiguously chromosomed, overalls clad child on the screen waved at the camera and began skipping rope. “Mel likes to play outside like any other child, but do you know what else likes to be outside? GERMS! Let's see what happens when when little Mel gets a cut playing outside" No sooner had a voice over said this than Mel fell over and scraped their knee. Then everything went south.

The camera zoomed in on the cut to transition to the inside of Mel's body, but instead of cartoonish germs befitting of the previous scene, the shots were rendered in the most graphic detail early CG could offer. Realistic 3D renditions of cells and organs graced the screen as Mel’s immune system fought against the bacteria that had entered through the cut, however a few bacteria escaped and caused Mel to need a prescription for the resulting infection. Another scenario showed Mel failing to wash their hands before eating and getting a virus, once again biologically accurate CG germs invaded Mel’s body and horrifying spider-like virus cells burrowed into healthy ones, causing them to explode when the virus finished incubating as the cycle continued. Mel ended up being sick for days.

The rest of the video was not much better: Mel gets food poisoning, Mel gets bitten by a raccoon and has to get a rabies shot, Mel gets a worse virus than the second segment and has to go to the hospital. Meanwhile Zim sat at his desk growing progressively more horrified with each section of video playing, yet unable to look away; he’d never really been interested in biology, so he was no better prepared for this than his peers were, but unlike them already had a predisposition to seeing the world as contaminated. Seeing the video did not represent a loss of innocence so much as the realisation that a problem he’d always known was there was far worse than he originally imagined; not only was the world filthy, but hazardously so. Every surface was crawling with disease and the body’s natural defenses could only do so much.

On the other side of row there was Dib, who was watching the video in wide-eyed fascination; true the graphics were far more primitive than he was used to (and if he were to be honest, years of being player 2 to Gaz had likely desensitised him to CG gore), but this was his first real look at human biology. He had done a bit of research making the disguises, but hadn't had the chance to really delve deeper into how it all worked and he was having a great time comparing what he was seeing with Vortian biology. There were a fair number of similarities, yet it was all so captivatingly different; both species had a cardiovascular system, but the "heart" didn't move in quite the same way, humans could expel toxins through the skin, and diseases could jump between species.

By the end of the video the class could be sorted into two groups: those who found the CG segments horrifying, and those who thought it was cool. On the far ends of the spectrum were Dib, who had come away from the experience eager to learn more and inspired to apply his new found knowledge to improving his disguise, and Zim who was practically catatonic from fear and trembling in his seat as he stared into a distance at a threat only he could see.

The bell signaling the end of the day rang, snapping Zim out of his stupor "This week is a long weekend, class" Miss Bitters stated as the students departed "Use this time to reflect on how you're perpetually surrounded by filth"

Zim was already far ahead of his classmates in that regard as he timed his exit from the school to avoid having to breathe the germ filled air the other students were exhaling, while still taking advantage of the crowd keeping the door open and saving him from touching it. As he entered the open air of the playground, he spotted Dib and quickly asked him to pick up Gir from preschool, rushing off as soon as he agreed before the confused alien could ask why.

* * *

With that squared away Zim's next stop was the cleaning supply store, he had no idea what to expect when he got home and wanted to ensure he was ready. Cleaning gloves, detergents, floor cleaners, and a myriad of disinfectant sprays went into his basket, along with anything else he might need; it slowed the trip home significantly, but destroying the germs would be worth it.

Once he was inside his house he switched to his indoor boots & gloves and set to work; before he could tackle decontaminating the house he needed to know just how bad the problem was and be able to check his progress. For the next half hour he poured over parts and lenses as he fashioned himself a pair of microscope goggles, as soon as they were completed he slipped them on, now to see this threat for himself.

It was even worse than he thought.

Everywhere he looked there was a sea of the bright lime green he'd set the goggles to display the germs as, the only clean spots in the room were the desk and chair he had already already sprayed and even that was starting to turn green again as the germs multiplied. Zim whimpered in fear as he grabbed his cleaning supplies, his confidence returning once he was armed and he immediately set to work scrubbing the floors and walls, wiping down the tables, and spraying everything else. Once he finished the workroom he made his way through the rest of the house cleaning room after room, first the ground floor then the upstairs; Gir's room in particular had been a nightmare to get clean, but eventually the field of green had dispersed and he had emerged victorious.

It was when he had finished cleaning the lab and stopped in the living room to appreciate his good work that Gir came home. Despite much of his dog costume being a similar colour, the germs were still clearly visible and slowly spreading across the floor, poor Dib found himself being brushed aside again as Zim ushered his little brother inside screaming about the filth. The screaming continued as Gir began rolling around on the floor, spreading the germs even faster

"Gir! Stop that right now!" He succeeded in stopping Gir contaminating the floor, but it quickly backfired as the child toddled towards him arms outstretched.

"Aww! Somebody needs a hug!" Gir sang as he chased after Zim who occasionally turned back to spray disinfectant at him.

"Take a bath first, Gir! You're disgusting!"

Gir paused "_Then_ can I hug you?" He asked.

Zim calmed slightly at no longer being pursued by the walking germ magnet "Sure, sure, whatever" he replied with nervous dismissal.

Shortly after, Gir was happily splashing in the bathtub while his brother scrubbed his face and hair clean, once he was satisfied he picked up the doggie suit in his still-cleaning-glove-clad hand. Instantly Gir stopped playing and began to panic "Where're you taking that?"

"To the laundry, Gir. This thing is filthy!" Zim replied, holding the costume at arm's length.

"No! You can't! I need it!" Gir cried reaching over the side of the tub, despite his arms being far too short to come anywhere close to grabbing it.

“You’ve been wearing it all week, it needs to be cleaned” Zim said firmly, now the tears were starting and Gir’s lower lip began to tremble; curses, he could never resist the sad eyes. “Fine, you can wear it tonight, but then you have to let me wash it tomorrow” Zim relented.

Gir’s usual bright expression returned as he nodded “Ok”

“And you’ll have to get your hug _before_ you put it on” Gir agreed to the terms, some of the water was drained, and Gir was left to play for a few minutes while Zim went downstairs.

He quickly ordered dinner for the two of them before re-cleaning the living room floor and covering a chair with the vinyl casing it came in before returning to Gir. By the time he’d coaxed the child out of the bath, dried and dressed him, been given his obligatory hug, and sprayed the dog suit with cleaner (it would have to do for now) their food had arrived. After instructing Gir to sit on the covered chair, much to Gir’s amusement as it made crinkling noises when he moved, Zim paid for the food, using tissues to protect his hands as he handled the money and takeout boxes, despite them already being protected by his usual gloves. He handed Gir’s box off before opening his own and recoiled in horror at what he saw inside.

There were little patches of green all over, his food was covered in germs. Zim’s panicked screams caught Gir’s attention

“Uh-oh, did they forget to not put peppers in it again?” Gir asked innocently.

Zim slammed the box shut and looked at Gir like a deer in the headlights “The germs....So many germs....Filthy take out” he muttered, shivering.

“Want somma mine?” Gir offered as he held up his box; his was not much better and Zim refused

“Ookie Dokey” Gir shrugged before taking another bite of his take out. Gir eating was an unpleasant sight at the best of times, but with the addition of the visible germs Zim found it outright horrifying, and his exclamations of disgust didn’t seem to register.

Finally he got tired of having his gag reflex set off every few seconds and climbed off the sofa. “Aren’t you gonna eat anything?” Gir asked.

Zim winced at the mess covering the child’s face “Ugh, no” he handed Gir a box of moist face wipes “Just clean your face off with these when you’re done and stay off the sofa”

Gir looked worriedly at his brother as he stored his food in the fridge and wandered exhaustedly up the stairs.

* * *

"Wow! I was right!" Dib exclaimed brightly; while the video had sparked fear in Zim, for Dib it sparked curiousity. Where Zim had spent the evening sterilising his house, Dib had begun researching as soon as he got home; first going through children's educational books and videos about the human body while babysitting Gir, then moving onto textbooks and articles once the child had gone home. "Look at this, Gaz!" Dib said held the tablet up for his less enthusiastic sister to see "According to this humans are mammals, just like we are! I suspected they were, but wow!"

"What, are you planning to marry one?" Gaz smirked "You could be Mr. Bitters, or however surnames work here"

Dib made a face like he'd just bitten into a lemon. "Thank you for that, Gaz. That's gonna haunt my dreams for a while"

Gaz grinned before turning back to her own tablet "What are little sisters for?"

Dib looked back at his tablet "Still, I'm glad I decided to get changed in the bathroom when we have gym"

"Is there a point to your rambling, Dib?"

“Yes” Dib retorted a little too quickly “I came to that conclusion by myself, you know I had trouble with people’s boundaries growing up!” he explained.

“You mean like the time you thought our neighbour was assembling an ancient superweapon in his basement and it turned out to be a pool heater?” Gaz deadpanned, causing her brother to bury his face in his hands out of embarrassment before half-heartedly attempting to defend his younger self.

“Give me a break, Gaz! All I had seen was him digging a huge hole in his backyard! How many kids _wouldn’t_ have thought he was trying to unearth something?”

“Do you _really_ want to know the answer to that?” she asked, one eyebrow raised. Dib decided that, no, he did not want to know, and turned back to his research.

* * *

Later that night Zim crept downstairs with his duvet wrapped around him, clutching a pillow and spare blanket close to his chest (for some reason, he felt a little colder than normal tonight), and taking care not the drag the blankets on the ground. He briefly put the micro-goggles back on to check that the sofa was still clean, and set the bedding up so he could sleep on it. It had been a stressful day and he found himself having trouble calming his mind down enough to fall asleep; fortunately this wasn’t the high-strung child’s first experience with insomnia and he had his coping methods.

“Computer! Play Mom & Dad’s show!” the T.V. screen displayed a list of episodes

“Any requests?” The computer voice sighed overhead, sounding like the evening's antics were part of a longstanding pattern he had already tired of.

Zim looked thoughtfully at the screen, he didn’t want an episode related to anything that was in that accursed video, “Let’s start with episode 286, then play some of the physics episodes after that” The computer wordlessly began the requested episode as Zim settled into his makeshift bed

“Welcome to the world of science! Today's episode: Entomology!” The opening voice over announced before the episode began and Zim’s parents introduced the topic. Maybe it was because he had been grown in his parents’ lab and fallen asleep in both the main and home ones so many times when he was small(er), or maybe it was just being able to hear their voices, but the show had a soothing effect on him. Considering how often the experiments on the show would go on to bite the child participants, literally in this case as one child began screaming after knocking over a farm of fire ants while the adult hosts nonchalantly said the show’s catch phrase “Oh well, that’s science for you!”, Zim was probably alone in finding the show calming. Nevertheless, he often switched it on when he had trouble sleeping, and by the time they had gotten the fire ants off the volunteer, he had already drifted off. Thoughts of microscopic horrors set aside as he slept wrapped up in his little cocoon of blankets.

The next morning he woke up to the feeling of being pinned down by a heavy weight, he groggily opened his eyes and found Gir lying on top of him, having noticed his brother had gone downstairs at some point during the night and decided to join him on the sofa.

“Good morning!” Gir said brightly, waving a little paw from his doggie costume; his _horrible, **filthy**_ doggie costume.

**“AAAAHHHHHH!”**

Zim screeched as he jumped off the sofa and began spraying disinfectant, sending his little brother tumbling backwards.

Gir giggled as he righted himself, having found the experience fun and being completely unfased by the chaos unfolding around him. “Hee hee, your tummy was making funny noises”

Zim stopped screaming and glared at Gir with flustered irritation "Gir, are you wearing your pajamas right now?" He asked in his forced calm voice as he tried to change the subject, Gir nodded yes, "Good, then give me the dog costume"

Gir flopped back into the sofa and pouted "Aww, do I _have_ to?" He whined

"Yes Gir, I let you keep it on yesterday, now it needs to be cleaned"

Gir sighed "Ookie, can I wear my piggy costume?"

Zim agreed, he'd washed it yesterday; he slipped on a cleaning glove, and waited to be handed the costume. More screaming ensued as it was tossed at him and landed on his head. Zim scrambled up the stairs with the gathered bedding and dog costume and started up the washing machine, with the textiles sorted he was finally able to take a shower; he shuddered to think of how long Gir had been on top of him in that filthy outfit. Once he was clean and dressed, he transferred the laundry into the dryer and sequestered himself in his bedroom (still as clean as he left it) with a few cans of cleaning spray, ready to spend the day in his sterilised sanctuary.

He chose a book from his side table, which he steadied himself against when he felt a wave of dizziness as he stood back up. Gir’s comment from earlier came to mind, but was just as quickly pushed aside; flashbacks of dinner last night still haunted him, besides he was probably just experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Eating was optional, right? He just had to get used to not doing it anymore and then he’d be fine! And with that he propped himself up against the cushions on his bed and settled in with his book to wait it out.

* * *

"Gaz, listen to this!"

Gaz stared at the offered set of headphones, mentally debating whether she should ask Dib to elaborate, he decided for her in his excitement and continued "It's a recording of a human heartbeat!" She reluctantly acknowledged her curiousity and decided to humour Dib, at least enough to listen to the recording....it didn't sound especially different from a Vortian one, a little different perhaps, but not drastically so. Dib seemed to pick up on this as he explained

"Look, I'll pull up a recording of a Vortian's; ours is a little faster than a human's, I suspect it's because we're built similarly, but our bodies are smaller, so our surface area to volume ratio is different"

"I'll keep it in mind for my next violent game" Gaz teased. Dib was momentarily puzzled that Gaz would specify that, given that violence was par for the course in her work, but was too focused on his discovery to dwell on it.

"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of fine tuning our disguises. I guess it would be more useful for me if in case I'm ever sent to the nurse's office, but you never know" Dib explained before finding Gaz's pendant only an inch or so from his face. "I'm pretty sure a school nurse won't notice a slightly faster heart rate, but if it'll make you happy and keep you out of my way, go ahead" she said before turning back to her work, muttering about how she was having enough trouble with this game as it was.

* * *

A few hours later Zim was lying face-down on his bed, this....This might have been one of his not-so-amazing ideas; not a _bad_ idea per say, Zim had no bad ideas, just less amazing ones. Besides, how was he supposed to know that going without eating for a day would go this badly? Either way, his head hurt too much to do anything about it now, and all the food downstairs was probably filthy anyways.

Then the sound of a tiny fist knocking on the door caught his attention “Big Brother, are you OK?” It was Gir.

Zim sighed, something was probably broken and he _really_ didn’t want to deal with it now “What is it, Gir?” the tired exasperation in his voice had no effect on the younger child.

“I got you something!” and then the sound of something sliding across the floor, _his floor_. With a resigned sigh Zim picked up his goggles and spray, then trudged over to the door to deal with the contaminant: it was a cereal bar. After quickly spraying it and the path of germs it left on the floor clean he carefully unwrapped it, sure enough the vacuum seal had kept it’s contents clean and germ-free.

He took a shy nibble of the cereal and it was like a switch went off in his brain, his eyes went wide as he began eating the bar with a sense of urgency. It was a bit funny, actually; he didn't normally like these cereal bars very much, but going the better part of 24 hours without eating had a way of improving how everything tasted and in a matter of seconds he had polished it off. "Another!" He demanded as he brushed the stray crumbs off his face, a few seconds later he was rewarded with another cereal bar sliding under the door. A couple more sprays of cleaner and he started eating the second one, his face relaxing into a blissful smile. Glucose~

This continued a few more times with Gir sliding a cereal bar under the door as the previous one was eaten and a new one was asked for. "Another!" Zim ordered as he cleaned the remnants of his fifth cereal bar off his face.

"Nope!" Came Gir's chipper reply, a look of annoyance crossed Zim's face; he _really_ wasn't in the mood for this right now.

"Gir, give me another cereal bar!" He demanded.

"Nuh-uh!"

Zim's scowl deepened and he pounded on the door "Gir! Your older brother is _ordering_ you to stop playing around and slide another cereal bar under my door!"

Gir remained completely unfazed by Zim's tantrum "Not yet! You already had a bunch, and my teacher said you shouldn't eat too much too fast or you'll make yourself sick"

Now Zim was really annoyed; sibling or not, he _hated_ being told what to do, especially by someone who didn't even know how to read yet. Besides, who was Gir to decide when he'd had enough? He took a deep breath to try and keep the frustration out of his voice "Gir, I don't care what your teacher says, but I _really_ need you to give me another cereal bar"

"Count to ten~" Gir answered in a sing-along tone, Zim buried his face in his hands, slowly dragging them down the length of his face.

"Gir~" he warned, Gir only giggled

"If you don't count to ten, you'll have to come out and get it!"

Zim bit his lower lip as he considered his options; he also hated being the one giving in, but at the same time the house was probably crawling with germs again and he wasn't quite ready to face it yet. Besides, he'd gotten the dog costume cleaned, that still counted as a win, right? Victory for Zim.

Finally giving an exasperated sigh he quickly counted to ten through gritted teeth, whoever said that you should do this to calm down when you're angry was stupid.

"OK!" Gir answered cheerfully, satisfied with his brother's counting, however no cereal bar came "Uh-oh, there's no more left. Hold on, I'll getchu something else!"

Zim pinched his eyes shut as the sound of Gir's scampering footsteps faded: _Really?_ Couldn't he have checked the box before all this? Still there was nothing to do but wait for Gir to return, and with that he took a seat on the floor and waited. In all honesty, now that it had been a few minutes he realised that he wasn't as hungry as he thought anymore, but there was no way he was going to admit that Gir was right. Soon the familiar footsteps returned and, after a minute or so of trying, a marshmallow cereal bar slid under the door, slightly misshapen, but still sealed.

"Better now?" Gir asked as his brother finished his meal.

"Yes" Zim answered. At least now he had options, really it wasn't too different from the limitations his allergies already placed on his diet. In a way it was better, actually; the allergies tended to be permanent, at least for this he would gain more options once he grew tall enough to use the stove.

* * *

“Ta-da!” Dib cheered as he showed off his improved disguise....it looked exactly the same.

Gaz said as much and Dib deflated slightly “I know it looks the same, but now it _sounds_ right, I also improved the way the muscles move to look more realistic” he explained “It’s mostly the legs that needed work, but-”

“Send me the data!” Gaz’s eyes were uncharacteristically wide and bright, combined with the higher than normal amount of enthusiasm in her voice, for a rare moment she was the quintessential younger sibling showing interest in what her older sibling was doing. She quickly caught and corrected herself “I need it for modeling”

Dib sighed “Realistic gore?”

Gaz frowned at her computer screen “I wish”

* * *

“Hey, Big Brother” Gir called absentmindedly from his spot on the sofa as he watched Zim clean “Why do you wanna get rid of all the germs?”

“Germs carry disease Gir, that means they can make you sick” Zim explained as mopped the floor for the third time that day.

“So you’re cleaning so you don’t get sick?”

Zim nodded “So _we_ don’t get sick” he corrected “This benefits you too”.

Gir looked at him quizzically taking an unusually long time to turn a thought over in his head before voicing it “But the germs have always been there and you don’t get sick a lot”

It was an innocent enough observation, but Zim couldn’t really find a counter argument, thus he decided to go to the lab instead to do....something, he’d decide what when he got there.

* * *

When class started up again the majority of children had more or less forgotten about the video, instead focusing their energies on how disappointed they were that they had to go to school again. The two exceptions were once again Dib, who had spent the weekend delving deep into his research and applying it to his disguise, he had probably stayed up a little too late, but it was a good kind of tired. The other, of course, was Zim who wearily shuffled to his seat, glad that it was the closest to the door as a long weekend of stress trying to keep the house germ-free had taken its’ toll on the tiny boy. He stared dazedly at the desk and chair before spraying them both clean and taking his seat, slumping forward instead of adopting his usual straight backed posture.

"It seems only one of you did the activity I assigned this weekend; good work Zim, you get an A"

Zim just nodded, giving a half hearted groan of acknowledgement as he tried to focus his dark circle rimmed gaze on the chalkboard. He felt terrible and desperately wanted to go home, take a shower, and have a nap in his germ-free room. He’d had to wake up far too early after four consecutive nights of insomnia and, as it stood, the looming anxiety he felt being outside his personal sanctuary was playing a big part in keeping him awake.

Miss Bitters wasn’t the only one to notice the change in Zim’s demeanor, across the row it had also caught Dib’s attention and it worried him. Enough so that during lunch break he and Skoodge agreed to forgo their usual card game in favour of staging an intervention.

* * *

Zim sat alone at the cafeteria table, it was just as well with how germ infested everyone was, having thoroughly disinfected the table and chair he opened his lunch box full of cereal bars. After a weekend of eating nothing but, the novelty had long worn off and he winced as he forced down a mouthful of bland cereal.

Dib sat down in the seat across and received a face full of disinfectant spray for his troubles, thank goodness for his glasses, he wiped the droplets off his now mildly annoyed looking face before he asked “Zim, are you alright?”

Zim huffed in reply as he turned away “I’m perfectly fine!” he clearly wasn’t.

“Are you _sure_?” Dib asked “You seem a little....stressed, and you looked like you were about to be sick a minute ago”

**“I’M NOT SICK!”**

The boy was inches from Dib’s face and was practically climbing onto the table. “I didn’t say you were” Dib said as he rubbed his ringing ear “Geez, did you have to scream right in my face?”

Zim pulled himself back and adopted his ‘tiniest professor’ posture “Fine, I’m not sick. It isn’t possible for me to be sick, because I’ve spent the past three days de-contaminating my house”

A look of realisation crossed Dib’s face “The video....This is about the video, isn’t it?” he asked quietly, if Zim’s sudden defensiveness at the question were any indication, he’d clearly hit a nerve.

“Slander! I have nothing to worry about from _germs_” he practically spat the last word “I’ve destroyed every last germ in my house; _they_ should be the ones fearing _me!_” He was breathing heavily and looked like a feral cat, Dib had to choose his next words carefully

“Zim, humans aren’t _supposed_ to live in a sterilised environment, nothing is” he said as calmingly as possible in an effort to coax the boy down from the proverbial trees.

“I spent the weekend studying these things, none of us would be able to live without the bacteria and enzymes inside our bodies” Zim was staring at him with the expression of a deer with an 18 wheel truck barreling down on it, Dib could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out what to do about the perceived threat of germs _inside_ his body. Realising his mistake he tried to defuse the situation “What I mean is not all germs are bad, a lot of them don’t even effect humans. But stressing yourself out like this _is_ bad for you” Zim’s stiff posture softened slightly.

"Besides, you have a bunch of allergies, right?" Zim slowly nodded in agreement "So that means you're better off than most people; allergies are caused by an overactive immune system, Zim. You have them because your immune system is better at fighting disease than most!"

This seemed to get through to him, whether it was because the argument made sense or because it appealed to his ego in a roundabout way. "You're right...." his expression calmed before shifting into his usual prideful smile "I have nothing to worry about, few germs in this world can evade my superior immune system!"

Dib sighed, that wasn't exactly the point he was trying to make, but at least it successfully prevented Zim's nervous breakdown. After a few seconds the boy’s triumphant laughter faded and he looked at the pile of cereal bars with an expression of deep regret; it would have been nice to know this before he’d committed himself to eating something he was already sick of. Dib put a hand on his shoulder and smiled “Come on spaz boy, I left Skoodge at the other table, between the two of us we’ve got to have _something_ you can eat”

As Zim gathered his belongings before moving to the other table he picked up the can of disinfectant and looked at it thoughtfully for a moment “Very well, but I’m still spraying the table and chairs! It will probably be the first cleaning they’ve had since being installed”

It took a few days for things to go back to normal and the effects of that weekend to fully fade, but by the next weekend Zim was back to his usual self and raiding Dib’s laboratory. The Vortian found it a bit annoying, but just this once he didn’t object.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, this was actually _all_ of episode 4, Dark Harvest included; so this time we have organ stealing being replaced with research and sibling banter between Dib & Gaz, take from that what you will. The comment at the beginning about the expected video is actually a small in-joke for the Discord server I'm on and a series of PSAs we streamed once.
> 
> I'm really happy with the scene between Zim & Gir as well, we've seen a lot of Dib & Gaz so far, so I really enjoyed finally getting to show off the sweeter side of the other sibling relationship here. I confess part of this chapter was slightly influenced by a couple of incidents from my own childhood...from when I was 4: one where a book about viruses made me paranoid about eating outside of the house, and another where I found little black dots on a piece of bread and decided I didn't want to eat anymore if it would be like this....Also I remember all those child genius shows where the protagonist is such a master of science you have to wonder why they're still attenting school with their age mates, and I love the idea of Zim being skilled in some areas, while having huge gaps in his knowledge from not being interested


	7. Universal Appeal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time we're covering the Saucer Morons, I have to admit part of the idea for this chapter come from my really liking the idea of an Alien watching sci-fi
> 
> In other news I finished one of the major assignments for this term, hopefully the next term won't be quite as busy, the one I'm finishing now is supposed to be the most hectic one, so we'll see. 
> 
> I also got a comment on the last chapter saying that the format was hard to read, so I've tried applying the changes they suggested to this chapter and the first one as a test run, so let me know which one works best
> 
> Anyway, let's start.

"Captain! The Da'ffearians are attacking!" The communications officer exclaimed, one hand steadying her headset as her lizard-like frill threatened to open up and send it flying.

"Raising Shields to full power!" an avian looking technical officer declared confidently in an inexplicable Scottish accent.

"Good work miss Alba!" The captain, a handsome human man and quintessential old-fashioned Earthian hero said, his teeth gleaming in the fluorescent light. "Set course to Veridia, we'll get reinforcements there!" He ordered, his wavy brown locks blowing in the breeze, despite being inside a spaceship with no wind, and framing his chiseled features as the ship warped to the ally planet.

Then Gaz entered the living room.

"What are you watching?" She asked, clearly unimpressed by the finest special effects the late 1960s had to offer.

"Early Sci-fi" Dib answered "It's a lot of fun, even if the old stuff is a little silly"

Gaz looked over the edge of her tablet as the opening credits rolled for the next episode of 'Star Patrol' "....is this supposed to be about _space_?"

Dib nodded "Yep! Sci-fi's stories humans imagined about what aliens, and time travel, and stuff are like" he explained "There's an entire channel about it, I found it the other day; they have some really neat shows and movies" he was smiling like an excited child.

Gaz stared at her brother, giving him a minute to make the connection before voicing it for him “You don’t think it’s a little weird to come all this way to a middle of nowhere planet, and then watch shows and movies they made imagining what space is like, when you’ve actually been there?” she dryly stated more than asked.

“Maybe a little” Dib replied rubbing the back of his head self-consciously “But I still like them, they remind me of ‘Mysteries of the Cosmos’ and the other shows I used to watch, you remember those, don’t you?”

“I remember having to switch to my handheld whenever they were on”

“Give me a break, Gaz!” Dib said “It was an hour or two each night, you got to have the TV the rest of the time” The mock argument was interrupted as the commercial break started and the bright light and louder volume of the first ad caught Dib’s attention

“Prepare yourselves....For Saucer Con!” The announcer voice boomed “Come to the pigeon square convention center for three days of Sci-fi panels, contests, shopping and more. Featuring celebrity guests-”

“Pigeon square convention center, that’s in the city!” Dib said excitedly, Gaz just left quietly; an Alien going to a Sci-fi convention had bad idea written all over it.

* * *

The next day Dib was in the school lunchroom, playing his usual round of the Capsulemon card game with Skoodge “Have you ever heard of Saucer Con?” he asked “I was thinking of going this weekend, but I don’t really know what to expect” Skooge shrugged in response as he played his Thunder Squeak card

“Sorry Dib, I’ve never been. I don’t really watch a lot of Sci-fi, I have to watch it upstairs or when my grandmother’s out; she grew up during the war, so the spaceships upset her” he explained far too casually. Dib was more than a little confused, but decided this was another situation he was better off not knowing too much about. “My parents took me to Pocky Con for my birthday last year, though!”

“Can you tell me about Pocky Con?” Dib asked as he took a bite of his apple, it might not be for the same genre, but it would give him some sort of first-hand account to start from.

Skoodge nodded “Well, they rented out part of a hotel and used the meeting rooms to run videos, and games, and panels where people talk about shows they like. They had some where guests would talk about what it was like working on the shows too” he said as he listed things off on his fingers “They have karaoke and a lot of people wear costumes too, I went as Pixie because it’s my favorite Capsulemon, there’s contests for the best costume, but I just wore one for fun. They have dances at night too, but they were all pretty late, so I didn’t go”

Dib hadn’t realised he’d been leaning forward as he listened, conventions sounded like a lot of fun. “Oh! And the vendors area has booths for a bunch of different stores, and there’s a separate area for fan artists; I got a key chain of Popopo, from the video game, I’ve never actually had to use my house key, but if I do it’s easier to find now”

“Nice”

For the rest of the break Dib and Skoodge talked about the convention and by the end he was leaning towards going, even more so after getting home and pulling up the website page. The schedule had already been uploaded and looked like fun, they even had the actress that played Miss Alba. Saturday looked like it had the most programming he was interested in, but this was where the first problem arose; you needed a credit card to pre-register, and not only did Dib’s Earth identity not have one, but it was far too young to have one that wasn’t a prepaid gift card.

It was fine though, he could always try and buy one at the door, hopefully the line wouldn’t be too long. It turned out to be a moot point, however, as the next day he found a ticket printed out on the table with a note from Gaz advising him to never asked her for a favour again, despite her having done this without his asking. He thanked her for the ticket but decided against asking her how she got it; he’d long since learnt that there were some things he was better off not knowing where his sister was concerned.

* * *

A few days later Dib was sitting on the commuter bus heading into the city, this wasn’t his first time on it but it was definitely going more smoothly than the last. The other time had been a little before parent-teacher night, he and Gaz had gone into the city to familiarise themselves with the layout and ended up getting lost; they weren't the only ones either, Zim and Gir had gone as well to test a GPS only to realise it had been left at home when Gir took it out to pack a cupcake and forgotten to repack it. At one point Zim had flipped out and gotten them kicked off the bus, something about buses made him even more agitated than usual, it seemed. In all honesty Dib had been less frustrated with that than Gaz not telling him that she had a map of the planet saved to her computer until hours had passed and she'd gotten tired of the whole mess.

Once he made it to the convention center, he picked up his registration package, the line was a bit intimidating, but it moved surprisingly quickly and soon he had his schedule. After taking a minute to mark the things he wanted to see, he slipped into the washroom, once he was hidden in the stall he deactivated his disguise and now had the most convincing alien costume anyone had ever seen. It might be a bit of a risky move, but at the same time it was the place he was least likely to be noticed, besides it wasn't as if he were planning to enter a costume contest.

The first thing he wanted to see was a panel on Star Patrol and how it related to human culture, both things it had borrowed from mythology & historical events, and the modern technology that had been inspired by devices used in the show. Dib had enjoyed the presentation itself, and felt especially proud when something he was already familiar with was mentioned, but the giveaway at the end had been a pleasant surprise. Apparently the panel had been sponsored by a media studies program at a university, either way the result had been Dib getting one of the DVDs of the original series they were handing out. It still had the $5 from Box Mart sticker on it, and opening the case revealed an expired coupon, but he didn't care; it had one episode he loved on it and two he hadn't seen before, and that was enough to be excited about.

After that was a screening of an old b-movie Dib found reminiscent of the reenactments from 'Mysteries of the Cosmos'; the movie was undeniably terrible, but in a way that was still fun, he’d have to look up more of these when he got home. The panel on building robots like those in Professor Time wasn’t what he thought it would be. The end result was closer to what was used in making the show than real life versions of the robots, but he should have expected that; he had been thinking of the level of technology he was used to more than what the average human had access to. Oh well, he had added it more out of curiosity than actually planning to build one.

Between that he admired and took photos of all the people he saw in costumes, a lot of them were really well made and a few asked to take his photo as well. Though he couldn’t be sure which was more surreal; the alien costumes that looked nothing like a real species or the ones that came uncannily close.

* * *

Dib glanced at the schedule, he had a couple of hours before the next thing he wanted to see, so he decided now would be a good time to visit the dealers room and from the moment he walked through the doors he was in awe.

While there were plenty of people, both in costume and out, at the hotel it was nothing compared to the sheer numbers in the vendor’s room. Everywhere Dib looked he could see people buying and selling everything from DVDs, to vintage Star Patrol books, to homemade costume accessories, to discounted tickets for other conventions. Everywhere he went he could hear snippets of conversations as people bought & sold merchandise, discussed shows (or argued about them), caught up with each other, and yelled into their phones trying to find where another member of their group had gone. And with at least 80% of the people there in costume, Dib found himself brought back to the first time he went to an indoor market when he was little, and the wonder he felt seeing so many new things at once that had sparked an interest in exploration that shaped him for years to come.

Once he actually took a good look at what was for sale, he realised his spending money wouldn’t get him very far and that it would probably be best to look at all the booths before buying anything. As he walked around he saw the signing area and a thought popped into his head; the website said Miss Alba’s actress was going to be here, and now he had a DVD of the original series, it would be neat if he could get her to sign it....

After a minute he found the line, it wasn’t too hard the line was easily twice as long as all the others, and approached somebody along the edges “Excuse me, where do I go to wait in line?” he asked.

“Over there” the girl said gesturing with her head and shoulder “The line curves around a few times, but it’s not too hard to spot” her hands were shaking in place as she balanced a sheet of paper between her index fingers, only touching the edge.

“OK, thank you” Dib replied, his voice trailed off as he noticed the paper and was distracted by curiosity “Why are you holding it like that?”

“I’m getting the wrap around sleeve from my DVD signed” the girl explained, apparently she had a similar idea to Dib “I’m holding it like this so it doesn’t get damp from my fingers” her voice and posture said she considered this a brilliant discovery

“Oh, alright then....” Dib held back from pointing out that there were still about 10 people ahead of her, and a better way to keep it safe would be to simply leave it in the case currently tucked under her arm until she got closer, and instead he just silently walked to the end of the line and waited.

“So which season is your favorite?” the guy ahead of him asked, it took Dib a moment to realise the question was directed at him and answer.

"I'm not sure, I just discovered the series a little while ago, so I haven't seen all of it"

The guy nodded "A newbie, huh? Nice, I'd love to have my expectations back. A word of advice, don't watch the 'Little Starlings' series the sci-fi channel has on their kids' block; I met this one fan of the show online and they were the worst!"

Dib looked up at the man in confusion "I didn't say anything about 'Little Starlings'" he said "And why would you avoid the show because of one fan?"

"Thank you, I've been hoping someone would point that out" a young woman in costume interjected behind him "Here, take a bookmark" she said, taking several pieces of glitter covered laminated paper that looked like galaxies out of her purse. "It was really weird on Friday when he talked about it in the line to meet someone who has played a secondary character on Little Starlings....and it’s a little gross he's still wearing the same t-shirt as yesterday" she added as Dib chose an indigo galaxy bookmark.

“Hey! I don’t remember seeing you yesterday!” the guy shot back.

“Because I’m wearing a new costume” The woman grinned ecstatically “With a facemask! I never have to shy away from telling people I’m not interested in their power fantasy stories in case they boycott my work again!”

Neither of them had noticed Dib slipping out of the line to come back when the line was shorter....and less argumentative.

Unfortunately, a few minutes later he bumped into one of the tables advertising another convention. Had it been any other such table it wouldn’t have been an issue, but the makeshift look of all the materials on there, from the dollar store paper of the brochures, to the aluminium foil saucer shaped hats being offered for booking your tickets that weekend, marked the booth as being run by a group with more enthusiasm than anything else.

“Hello youngling! We are the children of the bright and shining saucer!” The towering ox of a woman handing out flyers slowly boomed “Join us in Raccoon park this summer for Space Rally!”

Dib took a moment to recover from the shock (he didn’t even come up to the woman’s waist!) before he managed to ask “Space Rally?”

A disheveled old man nodded “We’re an independent convention that captures the spirit of what Saucer con used to be before all the cosplayers and celebrity guest nonsense” he ranted “Back in the good old days when it was just a bunch of us gathering in the park with homemade signs, screaming for aliens to come pick us up!” The man’s expression was an unsettling shade of wistful as he finished his monologue and the other people working the table put a hand on his shoulders in solidarity.

Dib wisely refrained from pointing out that any alien with a shred of common sense wouldn’t go anywhere near such a crowd, let alone want them on their ship.

“We’re the organisers” a squirrely woman with frizzy hair and coke bottle glasses chimed in “We can answer any questions you have!”

A man that looked a little like an older version of Dib’s disguise came along “Even if they’re not about the convention!” he said “Every week we commune with the blob; the blob is wise” he added in a conspiratorial whisper that made Dib more than a little uncomfortable, was this what it was like going to school with his childhood self?

“We were some of the founding members of Saucer con, you know?” The old man said “Before the other guys sold out and decided they didn’t need us on their board anymore, now that they were _successful_. But _we_ know what really happened!”

Dib stopped his gradual inching away from the table “What really happened?”

The old man folded his arms and nodded as if he were imparting a deep and profound wisdom “The treasurer was an alien” he declared matter of factly “She brainwashed the rest of the board and when we tried to expose her, and had them kick us out!”

The squirrely woman nodded in agreement “It’s true! No human being does bookkeeping for fun!”

“Right....” Dib said with a note of unease in his voice as he took a flyer “Well, I have a thing coming up soon, so I’ll just leave now” he shuffled away before bolting, eager to leave the strange booth behind him.

* * *

He was careful to steer clear of the booth when he finally left the vendors' area to avoid catching the group's attention again as he made his way to another panel. He had planned to quietly listen to everyone speak as they discussed what extraterrestrial life might be like, but eventually curiosity won out. Dib suggested a few 'theories' of his own, first talking about vague aspects of his own world and those he knew of as hypothetical ones, and then becoming more specific as the positive response he received emboldened him.

Perhaps he was pushing his luck, but the people praising his 'detailed imagination' gave him the sort of validation he had desperately craved once, and apparently hadn't fully outgrown.

Nobody seemed to suspect anything, or at least that's what he thought as he left the panel, not noticing that he was being watched....

* * *

The next discussion wasn’t nearly as good; only 10 minutes and it had already devolved into a handful of people debating minute details in a display of one upmanship that Dib and a few others quickly got tired of.

Upon leaving the room, Dib heard a vaguely familiar voice ask "Did you _really_ make all of that up?" He turned around and saw the old man from before staring down at him, sparking a twinge of nervousness; no, this was alright, he could still get out of this safely, he just had to stay calm.

"Alright, you caught me. Some of the ideas are my family's" he said with a slightly nervous smile.

"Are they _really_ your family's?" The man asked with quiet, creepy accusation in his voice.

"Of course it is. I mean if I didn't make it up, and somebody else didn't make it up, I'd have to have gone there myself" Dib countered "And Earth doesn't have that kind of technology, so I couldn't have"

The old man had a look on his face as if he'd been waiting years for this moment "Earth might not, but I bet your home planet does" Dib was suddenly aware that they weren't alone in the hall "Get him!" The other three people he'd seen suddenly appeared, sending Dib into a panic. He instinctively clutched a hand over his chest as he backed away, squeezing the smooth, hard object under his shirt until he heard a soft click. Oh no.

He quickly clicked it again but the damage had already been done, they had seen his disguise flicker on and off, not enough to get a good look at his features, but enough to know it was there. “Don’t worry traveler! We mean you no harm!” the large woman boomed, Dib shrunk away; it was hard to believe that when they were all looming over him menacingly. “We just want to worship you!” the dark haired man added, Dib’s eyes darted around searching for a way out, “Take us with you!” the squirrely woman screeched.

Dib spotted his opening and took it, holding his bag close so they couldn’t grab at it as he bolted away from them. Everything was a blur as he ran, pushing himself to go faster than he normally ran in a frantic effort to put as much distance between him and the group as possible. In his rush he wasn’t paying attention to where he was going and nearly crashed into somebody coming around the corner.

“Are you alright, young man?”

Dib looked up and saw a graceful older lady smiling at him; something about her seemed familiar, and the warmth of her smile quickly put him at ease. He shook his head "I've been having a rough day; I came here after seeing the ad, but this group of people with flying saucer hats keep following me around, and-"

The woman's demeanor shifted slightly; the warm, reassuring aura mixed with calm ferocity. She bent down to Dib's eye level "The security desk is right over there, let's go take care of this" he took the hand she offered and let her lead him to the desk. Admittedly it was a bit strange being treated like a child this way and just letting it happen, but it was nice; perhaps because he didn't have a lot of contact with his own grandparents growing up, it wouldn't be the first time since coming here he'd learnt how much missed something he never had.

"Security! We have a child in need of help here!" the woman called out to the staff as they approached the table before turning her attention to Dib "These guys will take care of everything, just tell them what happened" she said warmly. Thus Dib explained what had happened, at least as much as he could without exposing himself. It seemed this group had a history of bothering people besides him and the treasurer, which made him feel a little better about how delusional they came off as in his account.

* * *

However as he finished his story and waited, there was one thing he still wondered about “Why are you still here?” he asked the old lady “I mean, I appreciate it, but you didn’t need to” The lady’s smile took on a more serious tone.

“I have grandchildren your age, if it were them in your place I wouldn’t want the person helping them to leave until they knew for certain they were safe” her expression turned slightly impish before she added in a familiar Scottish accent “So I’m afraid ye stuck with me, laddy”

Dib’s eyes went wide with recognition as he placed the voice “Miss Alba!” he gasped in awe, he hadn’t been close enough to her signing table to see her face.

The woman chuckled “I don’t look the same without the feathers, do I?”

He shook his head “I wanted to stop at your table, but then things happened and....well” he said as he pulled the DVD out of his bag, hiding behind it slightly in embarrassment.

"Oh, how nice! May I?" She asked as she reached a hand out, Dib nodded as he handed off the box. "Ooh! This was one of my favourite episodes, I remember playing a trick on Todd when we were filming" she said while signing the paper insert "Captain Drake was supposed to carry me onto the ship after the fight scene, and during rehearsal I hid a flat weight in my coat. We both laughed so hard"

In the time it took to finish her story, the marker had dried and she handed everything back to Dib who put the paper back in the case and returned it to his bag "Thank you!"

No sooner had he put it away than a familiar group came around the corner "There he is!" the old man yelled, now with a few more people behind him "It's the alien I told you about" As soon as they came into view the security team descended on them, nobody in the group was particularly strong and were easily overpowered by the staff and removed from the building. The one exception was the woman who had been dispensing flyers, who managed to put up a fight for a few minutes before joining the rest of her friends in the parking lot.

As Dib watched on in wide-eyed silence a strange feeling nagged at the back of his mind, the feeling that a great cosmic irony had ensued.

"Do you need us to call somebody to pick you up?"

Dib shook his head "I can call my sister, she should be able to get here in a few minutes" he said with a smile "Thank you for helping"

A quick call to Gaz and a few minutes more later, Dib received a message saying she was outside, after bidding goodbye to the people at the security desk he stepped out and Gaz used the tractor beam to lift him into the cloaked ship. In the parking lot the staff of Space Rally spotted him, but were unable to get a photo, a quick glance around the parking lot showed that everyone was looking away. They were the only ones to have seen it. Typical.

As Gaz drove him home Dib realised that she had been right; while that group’s (the ‘saucer morons' the staff had called them) behaviour had been far out of line, what happened was partially his own fault for being careless. He thought he had grown past fantasies of showing people the unknown and being looked at with the same wonder he felt watching his favourite theory shows, but evidently that was not the case. Maybe growing up didn't automatically mean having all the answers, just having more than he once did, he thought as Gaz flew them home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ends with a slightly different feeling than the others, but we get a bit more set up for Dib's development and his interest in sci-fi will come up a few more times. Either way, I'm glad I managed to squeeze in a sweeter moment and Dib being on the receiving end of what he normally did in the show, especially since the next few chapters are going to be....something else.
> 
> Some of the references are fairly obvious, but a less obvious one that I'm really proud of is Miss Alba. Obviously Star Patrol is Star Trek, but Miss Tross Alba's name is a play on both the seabird "Albatross" and "Alba" being an old name for Scotland; so she's "Miss Scot" instead of Mr Scot.
> 
> Another that's popped up a few times already is Capsulemon being a nod to Pokemon's working title: Capsule Monsters. Thunder squeak is what Raichu means in English (Well, Lightning squeak), while Pixie is Clefable's Japanese name.
> 
> I have to admit, the autograph line scene is loosely based on some of my own experiences; for some reason several of my oddest convention going experiences have resulted from people talking to me in the line and a couple of them inspired characters who showed up or were alluded to here (the paper holding one wasn't even for me, I was getting my friend's video game signed and the person in front of me did this). They haven't all been bad though, one I was able to get a poster signed when the line had been capped off by a person who agreed to let me have her second item spot, and another the staff let me get a second signature for my friend's birthday.
> 
> Anyway that's it for now, as usual please tell me what you think, I love reading your comments \\(^.^)/


	8. The Secret Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after publishing the last chapter, I realised that I had forgotten to mention it was where the concept for "Walk of doom" ended up (it's mentioned when Dib's taking the bus to the convention center) and the keychain Skoodge had bought at his convention was of Kirby (Popopo was his name during production)
> 
> Today's update is a little later in the day than normal, I was actually worried I wouldn't be able to post it today since I'm in the last week of my term and we were pitching our main projects today, but I made it! And this chapter even references my favourite thing from the show's pitch book: Zim ruining Impending Doom 1 because he was too short to see over the dashboard.

The meeting hall buzzed with excitement as the boys and girls of the 374th junior cadets group gathered, eagerly awaiting when their leaders would arrive. Today was the assignment meeting that preceded the annual spring break camping trip, where they would each be given a task to contribute to the trip as a whole and all of them had come, with one exception.

It had taken a lot of careful planning and self censorship to make it happen, not only did they have to share the time and location of the meeting amongst themselves without using the message board, but a few had to be careful afterwards as well not to be overheard. Not to mention only telling Skoodge that morning to reduce the risk of him sharing it. Their reward was Zim's absence from the meeting, and their own confidence that he would not ruin this trip the way he did last year's.

A few minutes later the lights dimmed overhead and the podium was illuminated by bright red lasers, informing the cheering crowd which twin had won the argument over the meeting's special effects. Both boys soon walked on stage, waving to the audience as they made their way over to the microphone, Red got there first as Purple was delayed by a laser shining in his eyes.

"Greetings Soldiers! And welcome to this year's assignment meeting!" Red announced "When your name is called, come up to the stage and you'll be given your task"

"Unless you're Zim!" Purple chimed in "It looks like we managed to keep him out" The crowd started cheering again.

"Yes, good job everyone" Red said before he began the assigning "Will Yuli come to the stage?"

A minute or so later a girl with long braided hair stepped on stage and gave the twins a crisp salute "Yuli reporting in" she said.

"Yuli, you're good with computers, right?" Red asked "You're in charge of setting up the wi-fi" the screen behind the brothers now showed a drawing of Yuli with a wireless router.

"Yes sir!" She chirped before stepping down and rejoining the crowd and the next child was called up.

"Next is Larb!" boy with an oblong face, which regularly bore an expression as if he had just stepped in mud with his bare feet, climbed on stage. This time Purple was first to speak, "We were going to put you on clean up duty" he flicked the remote so the screen now showed an image of Larb standing knee deep in garbage, the boy visibly deflated, his face and posture matching the picture. "But the gift basket you sent last week has us convinced that you've got the skills needed for soda duty" the image changed to Larb with a gift basket giving a 'thumbs up'.

"Yes!" Larb cheered before stepping down. Everyone was too caught up in the moment to care that not only had Purple just admitted to having been bribed into giving Larb a more desirable job, but incorporated it into the presentation.

And so this continued, Red & Purple calling each person on stage and dispensing jobs, each with an accompanying drawing: Tenn was in charge of selecting movies, Jim was in charge of bringing doughnuts, Skutch was tasked with the first evening's scavenger hunt, and so on until it seemed all the jobs had been handed out.

"Um, guys? I think you forgot about me....again" Skoodge said with a note of uncertainty, his hand half heartedly raised to eye level.

"Oh, we have a _special_ job for you, Skoodge" Red said condescendingly, grinning like an oily used car salesman while Purple struggled to contain his laughter "You're going to be clearing the rat infestation out of the back shed"

The boy shrank back "But....They come up to my knees!" he squeaked in fear, which quickly turned into paralyzing terror when he saw the next slide in the presentation: an image of him being chased by a hoard of giant rats, one that was far more detailed than the cutesy doodles that had been on the other slides. Skoodge tried to hold back frightened tears "Why would you draw that?"

"We didn't, Grapa did" Red stated "Yeah! We got him to draw this cool picture of us too" Purple chimed in as he clicked the remote changing the image to what looked like a recreation of a scene from an action movie, but with Red & Purple's faces on the buff, shirtless bodies of the characters. Who did they think they were fooling? Poor Skoodge wasn't sure if this picture was more disturbing than the previous one, while Grapa's face was a mixture of embarrassment and disgust at the memory of having to make it.

"So there you have it, you can join us after the rats are gone" Red said to Skoodge while pushing him towards the door and ignoring the half-protests the smaller boy sputtered "Do us proud soldier!" And with that, the door slammed shut behind Skoodge, leaving him to miserably contemplate his ratty fate.

"Well, that concludes the assignment meeting, thanks for coming everyone!" Red said hurriedly; things had been going surprisingly smoothly, and he wanted to end the meeting before-

**"WAIT!"**

And there it was. He knew things were going too well and after years of hearing that screaming voice on a regular basis, he'd recognise it anywhere. Thus it came as no surprise when the tiny boy pushed his way through the crowd; a task made all the easier by the other children shuffling aside to avoid him, which of course he interpreted as them clearing a path.

"Pardon my lateness, it seems somebody forgot to send me a notice about tonight's meeting" Zim explained as he caught his breath "If a reminder hadn't been posted on the group's message board I might not have made it at all!"

Red shot an annoyed look at his brother, the only other person who had access to the group's account "The assigning is over, Zim" Red said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah! And you were supposed to get the permission slip signed" Purple interjected, eager to steer the conversation away from his mistake "You can't come without a signed permission slip, remember?"

Zim smiled proudly before handing one of the permission slips over to the group leaders, who both read it in stunned silence; he'd actually managed to do it! How? They had added that stipulation specifically under the assumption that he _wouldn't_ be able to get the slip signed, and the signatures had to have been authentic since the paper hadn't self-destructed the way it was supposed to if he tried to forge them.

"Give us a minute" Red said nervously before he and Purple turned their backs to have a private discussion.

"You said the permission slip thing would work" Purple whispered. "How was I supposed to know he'd get it signed? His parents don't even show up for Parent-Teacher Night!" Red hissed. "Well we can't just let him come, what are we gonna do, Red? We already handed out the rat job!" Purple whined. "I'm thinking" Red shot back, a minute later he declared "I think I've got it"

"Well Zim, your tenacity has convinced us that you are truly worthy" Red began as if he were talking to a young child.

Zim nodded in agreement, "Yes, yes I am" 

A look of tired annoyance crossed Red's face before he continued "So we've decided to give you a secret mission"

Zim's eyes were impossibility wide and bright. "A secret mission" he repeated in an excited whisper "What is it?"

Red's eyes darted nervously until they picked up on a map of the area "You'll be in charge of monitoring this other park, way on the other side of town"

Zim looked at the map skeptically; he may have been eager, but he wasn't stupid, and this sounded an awful lot like some of the busy work he'd give Gir to keep him occupied when he was busy himself or needed some time alone. "Why am I so far away from the main camp?" He asked, one hand propping his chin upwards as he scrutinised the map.

Red looked worried for a moment; he wasn't expecting Zim to actually question him. "Well, you see....You're going to be our scout" Zim visibly perked up at this.

"Your scout" he repeated, awestruck, before grinning deviously "Tell me more" Yes! He was buying it!

"As you can see, there's only one road to and from the campgrounds. We need you to set up a base in the park and let us know if you see anything suspicious that could be headed our way" Red explained "Are you happy now?"

Zim nodded and grinned "Yes"

* * *

A few days later it was nearly time to leave for the trip and Zim was doing a last check of his bags. Besides the usual tent, sleeping bag, changes of clothes and packages of food, he'd also brought his allergy medicine, and enough external batteries to ensure both his phone and computer would stay functional. The phone was for emergencies, but the computer had a special purpose; Red & Purple had told him to make daily reports to the main camp in the form of video calls, he was to call them once when he got his own camp set up and at a certain time each evening after that.

As he finished checking them, Gir toddled in with his own bags "I got my camping bags all packed, Big Brother"

"I told you Gir, you're not going camping with me, it's the same as last year" Zim said distractedly.

"I went camping with Skoodge last year, we camped in the backyard!" Gir explained as he played airplane with his rubber pig.

Zim sighed "Skoodge is going on the trip this year, you won't be camping with him" how many times had he explained this? "You're staying with Dib and his sister this time"

Gir looked at him quizzically for a moment "I understand....Ooh! Maybe I can take him backyard camping! Do you think the Goat planet has camping?"

Zim replied with a distracted "Eh? Probably" before he gathered his belongings and dropped Gir off next door for a week of backyard camping.

Once the security system on the house was set, Zim took a taxi to the park and and chose the perfect spot to set up camp: elevated so any rain would run past his tent instead of pooling around it, enough brush cover to camouflage him, a good view of the park, close enough to the washrooms for him to clean up each day, and no filthy hobos. Once he'd found the perfect spot, he pitched his tent, set up his mobile router & computer, and made his call.

* * *

Meanwhile, the rest of the group was gathered at the 'main' campsite, purple smoke flooded the area in front of the main cabin as the twins once again appeared. Red and Purple stood up to address the crowd, this time Purple was the first to speak "Hello cadets, and welcome to the spring break camping trip!" The assembled group began cheering loudly, once they quieted Red began to speak, "Thank you, thank you. But let's not forget the real hero of this trip, one very special soldier, who none of this would have been possible without"

"Zim, whatever his last name is!" Purple cheered, spoiling the build up his brother had done.

Red shot a brief glare at Purple before continuing "Yes, if it weren't for Zim's hard work monitoring the park, he would be here....ruining everything" his voice sounding more than a little annoyed towards the end.

"Yeah! Like how he ruined last year's trip!" Purple added. Red nodded in agreement, "Yes, that's why we've arranged a special entertainment program, any minute now he should be calling in to entertain us with his 'exploits'" he said as he gestured to the screen set up behind him.

As if on cue, the in-coming call chime went off and the crowd took on a tone of an audience collectively awaiting a slapstick punchline about to pay off as the image of Zim's face filled the screen.

The camera mounted on top of the screen allowed Zim to see the gathered crowd, he smiled and waved confidently in response to the looks of anticipation on their faces. "Hello everyone!" he greeted, grinning broadly as his audience erupted into loud cheers "Yes, yes, I know" he nodded proudly.

"I see you're already set up" Red observed as his brother smiled, no doubt too thrilled at his progress to speak.

"Why yes. Yes, I am" he started before pulling one of the bags over "As you can see I'm well prepared for my mission with external batteries, binoculars, a portable telescope, cameras" he held each item up to show the audience, his smile growing progressively wider as theirs' did. "And most importantly, a collection of ingenious disguises!" He showed off several of them including a coat with a fake beard and floppy hat, a pilfered girly ranger uniform (in purple), and a plush bear costume.

After a couple minutes more he signed off, unaware of the uncontrollable laughter that followed his call, and as confident in his success as the rest of the group was that nothing could possibly go wrong & there would be no repeat of last year.

* * *

To say that last year's camping trip had been a disaster would be a gross understatement; it had started out innocuously enough, as the first couple of days were spent on scavenger hunts, tests of courage, and more than a little goofing off. The problem came the night Zim decided he 'wasn't being challenged enough' and to take the initiative by enlisting a couple of the other campers to help him 'launch a sneak attack on the enemy camp.'

It was late when he lead his semi-conscious accomplices through the undergrowth, fantasising that he was the head of an elite squadron, leading his troops on a secret mission. Instead of an over zealous child leading two more children who were too sleep deprived to comprehend what was happening, besides somebody interpreting their getting up to use the bathroom as volunteering for whatever this was, and dragging them off into the bush. It wouldn't have been too bad if it had ended there, the _real_ problem came when he chose to set off a bottle rocket he'd brought for the occasion and launched it at one of the tents.

Contrary to what Zim believed there was no enemy camp, in fact that week the grounds only had one camp, and that number was dropping rapidly.

His reluctant accomplices were wide awake after seeing the first tent catch fire and disappeared into the uproar as everyone scrambled to rescue their belongings. He might have done the same had he not brought all his with him, and the whole thing could have been dismissed as mere bad luck if it weren't for the cackling and shouts of "The enemy has been defeated! Victory for ZIIIM!" echoing throughout the campsite.

After two hours, and one misunderstanding regarding a bucket of melted bacon grease looking a lot like a bucket of water, the fire had been extinguished and the rescue jeep arrived to take the (with one exception) tired and annoyed group of campers home. While the tents were too damaged to use for the rest of the week, the children all agreed that riding in the jeep was fun, not to mention the driver took them all to get ice cream during the trip home. For the next half hour everyone ordered and enjoyed their ice cream, gathering in groups of friends, chatting and joking amongst themselves, and by the time they left the restaurant they were all in a much better mood.

Until they saw that the jeep was gone.

Now none of what followed could really be considered Zim's fault, not if you _really_ thought about it. It certainly wasn't his fault that the ice cream place's serving sizes were small enough for him to quickly finish his victory ice cream and that they didn't provide anything else to do but look around. Nor was it his fault that the driver presumed he knew more about Zim's body than he did himself, he definitely could have handled a second one. And leaving both the jeep and keys unattended was just irresponsible; so what if they weren't in the same place? Any of them could just pick the keys up and start the jeep.

Not to mention the jeep manufacturers not making it so a child could drive their vehicles safely was a negligence suit just waiting to happen! He had to stand on the seat just to be able to see clearly over the dashboard. And when things went south he'd just done the only reasonable thing a child in his situation could do; he'd grabbed his bag and jumped out when he realised he couldn't stop the van and let it crash, it was subpar anyways. So was the cadets group's old building; shame on it for bursting into flames like that! A brick building should be far more resilient.

So really, none of this was Zim's fault and everyone else should have been more grateful to him for having discovered so many glaring faults that had gone overlooked. Not to mention they had a new building now, what a bunch of ingrates.

At least Red & Purple understood; they were so pleased they arranged for him to learn to cook from the mess hall guy, he'd been meaning to learn how. Unfortunately it turned out he only knew how to cook greasy filth, so Zim had to quit, but it had been a nice thought.

Or at least that's how Zim saw it, to everyone else (except perhaps Skoodge who couldn't make it that weekend) he had single handedly ruined everything more thoroughly than they could have imagined by destroying the campsite, rescue vehicle, and meeting building all in one evening and getting them all stranded twice. He'd been placed on mess hall duty as punishment, which he then 'quit' after he'd gotten tired of it.

* * *

This year, the first night went by without incident; Zim kept watch with his telescope and roasted marshmallows over a small fire (lit in a metal bucket to keep it hidden), while across town the other campers did the same over a larger fire and did a challenge course in the woods, each having to bring back a token to prove they had made it.

Similarly, the first day was filled with whatever games the group could think to pass off as training, while Zim continued to monitor the park. Not that he wasn't having fun while everyone else was; on the contrary, he was loving every minute of his 'secret surveillance mission'. His hyperactive senses and imagination gave him no shortage of things to investigate and threaten like a paranoid, trigger happy Snoopy fantasising about being a world war 1 flying ace trapped behind enemy lines.

Besides Gir & Dib stopped by to visit him, that had been nice, even if Dib had an odd expression on his face when he said the rest of his group was elsewhere.

The next day had an unseasonal cold snap, so a water balloon fight was added to the group's itinerary, made higher-stakes by the weather cooling the water in the balloons and making them unpleasant to be splashed with. Meanwhile, Dib and Gir brought a thermos of hot chocolate during their daily visit, which had been welcome. Zim had elected to wear the plush bear suit he had packed, not because of the cold of course, but because of the strategic value of being disguised as a bear cub.

True, there were no bears in the area, but you never know, not to mention it was good for intimidating enemies and stray hobos. The group seemed to get it, or at least the way they smiled upon seeing his outfit and hearing his explanation had him convinced that they appreciated his brilliance.

The third day was when everything went wrong.

Just like last year, the day started as uneventful as the last two, until Zim spotted something suspicious. While it was difficult to tell for sure with the binoculars, the uniforms worn by the handful of children who caught his attention were definitely those of the rival cadets group the next town over. This wouldn't be too strange if it weren't for the man they were speaking to looking an awful lot like the serial killer who had been on the news, or at least they both had the same hair cut....sort of.

The group was right in his blind spot: too far for the binoculars to see clearly, but too close for the telescope to help, not that it kept him from speculating. Were the children of the other group arranging to have his 'taken care of' while they were on their trip? Zim always knew there was something off about that hotdog stand; the hotdogs were probably made from the owner's victims.

In reality, it was just a normal hotdog stand, the owner of which had recently decided to save some money by cutting his own hair and ended up with something unfortunate looking that he deeply regretted. If Zim had gotten closer to check he would have seen that the exchange was simply a group of children buying some hotdogs, but by this point he had already latched onto the idea of having something to report. Besides, if he was right and anything happened to him, who would warn everyone else? No, contacting his group had to take priority.

Zim quickly set up his computer and attempted to make a video call; true, his daily call wasn't supposed to be for a few hours more, but this was urgent. It only took a minute for the laptop he'd brought to start up and sign into the video chat, but to Zim's impatient mind it felt like ten. Finally the greyed out cloud icon turned blue and white, Zim hurriedly clicked it to start his call, and waited....Nothing happened. He tried calling again, but once again nobody picked up.

After a moment of panic, the realisation struck him that he was just using the wrong method; the video calls were scheduled because the computer had to be set up and somebody within earshot to answer it. Of course nobody had answered his call, the computer probably wasn't even on. Well that was easy enough to fix, he pulled out his phone and started placing his call....Once again, no answer. He tried a few times more, then the numbers of other members of the group, still no answer.

Zim's hyperactive mind flickered through dozens of reasons and scenarios that could explain why nobody was answering, not a single one accurate, but all pointing to the same conclusion:

"My people need **MEEEE!**"

He hurriedly packed up his now powered-off laptop, heedless of the stares his screaming had attracted, along with anything else he didn't want to leave behind or felt he'd need to defend himself. Whether the group didn't realise what was happening or had already been captured by an accomplice, Zim was certain he'd have to rescue them; after all they'd never simply ignore a call from their greatest, most dedicated soldier.

* * *

At the campsite everyone was playing a round of capture the flag, split into two teams with Red & Purple as team leaders. The phones had all been left together to prevent incoming phone calls from giving away anyone's position, granted by this point most of the group would have had a call from Zim draw unwanted attention, and promptly ignored the call. They were all busy with their game, and by this point they recognised Zim's number at a glance.

* * *

With his bag packed, Zim now needed a way to get to the campsite, a quick look around gave him his answer in the form of a red Volvo he spotted in the parking lot. He rushed over to the car and picked the lock, true the car was a bit clunky, but it would stand up to any weapons that might be used on it: perfect for a rescue mission. Once he was in he had to dig around a little; he knew it was possible to start a car without the key, he just needed a minute to remember exactly what he was supposed to do. After a little trial and error he got it working and was finally off.

What he had failed to notice in his panic was that he had run right past Dib, who had brought Gir over for his daily visit with his brother, and who had noticed the boy running towards the parking lot, screaming, before stealing a car and driving away.

"Gir, we need to go home right now" Dib told the child before calling Gaz to come pick them up, whatever was happening he had a feeling it would not end well. A few minutes later she met them in the parking lot and used the side-mounted tractor beam to pick them up when Dib didn't recognise the silver car, apparently called a model called 'mercury', the ship had been disguised as.

He dropped Gaz & Gir off as close to the house as possible while he searched for Zim's car, it only took a few minutes for him to find it, the car was swerving wildly as Zim got used to the controls. Once he spotted it, Dib maneuvered the ship to give the illusion of the car driving at least within the laws of physics, if not those of the road, as he pulled up besides the Volvo. Hopefully nobody would notice the driver's seat was on the wrong side.

"Zim! What are you doing?" Dib called through the window.

"A rescue mission!" Zim shouted back.

"What?" Dib was really confused by all this.

Zim gave a frustrated sigh "I saw something suspicious and nobody is answering their phones, now I have to go rescue them" he explained.

Dib's face was a mixture of unease and concern; over the past few months he'd noticed the already high-strung boy tended to cross the line into out right paranoia when he was stressed enough, something made all the worse by Zim being a dangerous combination of knowledgeable and over imaginative. A combination that desperately needed a better outlet than creating problems and getting himself so worked up over them that he would do whatever it took to fix it right away, no matter how reckless.

"I'm not sure this is the best way to handle it, Zim!" Dib had to shout to be heard over the wind being created by the two vehicles. "Why don't you pull over and we'll call the police, or at least use the ship to check-"

"No! NO! **NO!**" Zim screamed, his outburst caused the car to swerve as his attention was taken off the wheel. "This is _my_ mission, _I_ was entrusted with scouting! Nobody else! And I'm taking care of this by myself!" he made a sharp turn onto nearby street to try and lose Dib's ship, and the Vortian followed after; this had a lot of potential to go wrong.

The trip across town was more of the same, with Zim stubbornly insisting that he was perfectly capable of completing his own secret mission and Dib keeping pace with him as best he could, trying to get him to at least pull over. All the while Zim's reckless driving wreaked havoc on the city: lawns were torn up, mailboxes sent flying off their posts, lawn ornaments mangled. Yet nothing could so much as put a dent in Zim's Volvo and he didn't hesitate to point it out.

Then they came up to something that could, or rather a warning sign for something.

"Zim, you need to pull the car over _now_!" Dib shouted in a voice that would have told any other child to stop what they were doing immediately, however Zim wasn't like other children and kept driving. "Zim! There's a cliff coming up, stop the car **now**!"

"It's the fastest way there!" Zim screamed, now in full manic obsession mode "I have to get there! When I save everyone they'll have to invent new words of praise to-"

"Not if you hurt yourself!" Dib interjected "You're going to drive off a cliff. If your car doesn't protect you enough, you won't be able to help them at all"

Zim looked at him for a moment "I can't!" he called.

"Zim! There's not much time left!" they were getting dangerously close to the cliff "Please stop being stubborn-"

"My feet don't reach the breaks!" Zim interjected.

Dib switched the tractor beam on and reached out "Here! If you jump the beam will catch you!"

Reluctantly, Zim took his bag and jumped out of the car, letting himself be picked up by the tractor beam. He briefly noticed a tight, sickening feeling in his stomach as he watched the car go over the cliff a few seconds later. From his vantage point he could see it knock against the cliff face and trees a few times before hitting the ground, amazingly still functional enough to wobbily drive on into the woods. If it was still able to run, he was sure he would have been fine inside it, really he was. But still, it wouldn't have been a good time....

He probably would have been sick on the seats. That was it! And wouldn't that have been embarrassing? Having to explain to everyone he rescued that he couldn't handle a drop like that.

As his mind hurriedly worked to downplay the danger he had been in, Dib pulled him into the ship before hugging and lecturing him like a scared parent. Not a word of it registered as Zim's attention was firmly held by the interior of Dib's ship; though he'd seen the ship parked in the garage before, he'd never actually been inside it, and now that he was, he was completely engrossed.

His eyes darted around the ship's interior taking in every detail they could; it was a bit ironic considering he had never been as enamoured with cars as some of his peers, with his interest being limited to wanting to drive in general, but this was far better than a mere Earth car. He carefully watched Dib's hands as he worked the controls, taking note of what the result of each control being manipulated was to determine its' function and acceptable range.

By the time they landed Zim had firmly decided that he wanted one of his own, preferably in a more tastefully vibrant colour scheme than the boring shades of blue and silver of Dib's.

* * *

Following the rescue they first stopped at the park to retrieve the rest of Zim's belongings, something they were mostly successful in; the remaining bags they collected easily enough, but after a brief fight with a hobo who had taken residence in the tent, Zim reluctantly let him keep it. The man's scent had seeped into the fabric, which stank of ammonia now, too much for Zim to ever use it again.

After that they returned to Dib's house, where Gir was waiting for him, and had dinner before the two children returned home and set up another tent in the living room, just in case Zim needed to report in. It turned out to be a moot point as he received a notice saying that the trip had been prematurely ended.

Nonetheless he and Gir left the tent standing, as per Gir's insistence that they continue their 'living room camping' for the night. Zim indulged the younger child's request and together they read and watched TV, eventually falling asleep snuggled against each other in an oversized sleeping bag while their parents' show played in the background, casting a soft glow over the pair.

Zim might have been annoyed the trip had ended early again, but Gir loved getting to spend time having fun with his big brother and considered this one of the best nights ever, especially since the sibling in question hadn't even raised a single objection as he normally would. The older boy decided he was in an accommodating mood that night, and Gir _did_ say he'd missed him, despite having visited the day before. It certainly had nothing to do with the reality of Zim's near miss catching up to him in a way the consequences he evaded rarely did, making him seek the comfort of another person's company. Not in the slightest.

Still, as he drifted off to sleep he found one half formed question brushed across the back of his mind: whatever happened to the car?

* * *

Skoodge made his way through the underbrush, it hadn't been easy dealing with the infestation, and in all honesty, he wasn't entirely sure how he did it; but he survived, and was only a little sore from the precautionary rabies shot. He paused a moment to check on his recently acquired pet, holding the travel enclosure to eye level.

"Hey there, Ben" he said gently with a smile to match. The tiny rat peered up curiously at Skoodge before returning to his wheel; he'd spotted Ben hiding away in a corner and instantly took a shine to him, fortunately the vet said he tested clean and was safe to keep as a pet. "It shouldn't be too much farther now" Skoodge thought out loud as he pushed through another patch of branches.

When he broke through he found he had made it to the campsite....and it was in a state of utter chaos.

A beat-up red ATV had somehow ended up in the campsite, it looked like it had been driven off a cliff and was wreaking havoc throughout despite the lack of a driver, it's wheels catching in the grooves and pits in the uneven ground, making it turn as if it were possessed by the spirit of a disgruntled chauffeur. All around, borderline pubescent children were running around screaming as they tried to keep their belongings from being run over without being struck by the car themselves.

Skoodge stared on in dumbfounded silence, unsure of how exactly this had happened or what the best way to react was, besides a single thought he voiced as he turned to his new pet. "Zim tried to drive again, didn't he?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The other half of "The Nightmare Begins" finally makes it into the story, merged with "Battle of the Planets"
> 
> For notes, the Mercury is a real model of car, but since I couldn't find any sort of Mars car, it ended up being the Volvo (a car who's early models were famous for being ugly, but safe, enough that they apparently used to have an ad campaign where they'd drive one off a cliff and it would keep going). We also have a little bit of "friend service" in the end with the rat's name.
> 
> Besides that, I have to admit, some of Zim's perspective and ways of reacting to things is actually based on my own childhood, including something important to this chapter and the next (Though next chapter's notes are probably going to focus on something else)
> 
> But yes, it's actually really interesting seeing how a lot of people I know react to certain things, since some never really landed with me growing up; one of which is seeing people react to relational bullying in children's shows since what little experience I did have I was too clueless to actually pick up on (I was homeschooled, and the only thing that clicked was outright hitting me). To give you an idea, while I was writing this chapter I remembered an incident from when I was about 8 and a girl who lived on my block tried to exclude me from playing with her and another girl we were both friends with by saying that there weren't enough playset pieces to go around and I told her it was no problem since I'd just take an extra doll or two from the box to play with. It wasn't until years later and I hadn't seen any of them in a decade that I thought back and realised she had been trying to get rid of me and not just really bad at problem solving.
> 
> And years later I was writing this chapter and mentioned the incident to Piratemonkies64, who I've done some planning with, and her response was "My goodness, I'm so sorry that happened" which was really sweet of her, but also a little puzzling since I was so far removed from the incident when I realised it.
> 
> It's also why those of you I've chatted with might have noticed me checking when they go quiet; I don't fully trust myself to actually pick up if I'm saying something wrong
> 
> Anyway, I'll see you next time (and next time is going to be....something else) and I love reading what all of you think


	9. The Fork in the Wormhole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, today's chapter is dedicated to my friend JlucyDaisuke, another fan of the series who has been going through a difficult time and who helped make the most important part of the chapter possible.
> 
> Sweet goodness, this chapter was really uncooperative to write. To give you an idea how much, I managed to get the chapter after this one and most if not all of the one after written out before I finished this one (granted part of that was changing which chapter would be number 9 and the next chapter being one I was really excited for), this is also the one I've had to do the most touching up in proof-reading, but I'm finally satisfied with it.
> 
> The frustrating thing is chapter is really important to fleshing out Dib's character arc, but at the same time this chapter is much closer to the original "Room with a Moose" than most chapters get to their source material and I'm still a little worried Zim comes off as too unsympathetic in this chapter (keep in mind it took Zim much less time time to reach this point in the show). Next chapter is one I'm really excited for though.

Zim sat in the computer room, the overhead lights were switched off, but the room was still well lit by the multitude of computer monitors in front of him, each playing a different series of clips. He had gained access to the school security cameras a while ago and set it to save anything 'relevant' as a result he had built up a decently sized 'montage of grudges'.

Displayed on the screens were every slight that had been made against him the past year or so: being tripped with skipping ropes, having various sports balls thrown at him, being splashed with filthy tap water, revolting cafeteria food being thrown at him, getting pushed, all the little acts that could easily be disguised as an accident. For the past several years they had been piling up and now he had been pushed past his breaking point. The angry glare he had been shooting at the screens shifted into a devious grin, soon he'd be beyond the offenders' reach forever.

* * *

The next day Zim was noticeably absent during lunch break and the first half hour of the afternoon, this wouldn't have been too suspicious if it weren't for the announcement that followed him apologising for his lateness. No sooner had he taken his seat than the intercom speakers began broadcasting Gir's voice announcing a 'special field trip' for the students of Miss Bitters' class. Most of them, anyway; Zim, Dib, Skoodge, Red & Purple were all listed as students who had to stay behind.

That alone was suspicious, even more so when Zim said he urgently needed to be excused again once everyone had left. As he dashed out the door everyone knew he wouldn't be coming back, not today anyway. Dib sighed internally, he knew something was going on, and what he had to do, he discreetly fiddled with the settings on his disguise before raising his hand to speak.

"Miss Bitters, may I be excused? I think my leg is broken"

"How broken?" she asked, as if a bone that wasn't broken enough could wait until the end of class

"Pretty broken" Dib answered, holding his leg out from under the desk; he had tampered with the settings so the hologram stayed in place, but just sat on the surface instead of mimicking the structure of a human leg, the result was his leg appearing to bend at an unnatural angle as the human facade was superficially painted on to Vortian anatomy.

"Fine, you're excused" Miss Bitters creaked, she didn't look as perturbed as you'd expect, but years of seeing the accidents children got themselves into had likely made her jaded.

Either way Dib was careful to limp as he walked out the door, dragging his "broken" leg until he was out the door and out of sight before sprinting out of the school.

Meanwhile, Purple was more than a little annoyed that not only was he not on the field trip, but two of the other people left behind had managed to get themselves excused, and decided he wanted to as well. He quietly snapped a pencil in half and positioned it to give the illusion that part of a whole pencil was sticking out of his nose. "Miss Bitters!" he called with his hand raised "I think a pencil is lodged in my brain!"

There was a brief pause before the teacher answered, "Your brain's too small for it to reach" Purple sat in stunned silence as his twin burst out laughing and the pencil half clattered onto the desk.

* * *

As soon as Dib was out the door he saw rockets appear on the sides of the bus, which began lifting off into space. Just great.

He was glad he'd set the ship up to be 'callable', Gaz was finally making a breakthrough on the game she'd been struggling with and made it clear she was not to be disturbed today.

Soon Dib had taken off and made it through the atmosphere, it only took a few minutes to find the bus; there weren't many bright yellow objects in space, at least not this part. There was no question in his mind who was behind this, Dib unenthusiastically activated the video call and pulled up Zim's number; he had given the boy a communicator to reach him in case of an emergency. Really, he should have expected that he'd be the first one to call.

"Zim, what are you doing?" Dib sighed.

"A public service" Zim answered proudly, he had a small control panel in front of him and a few feet behind him Gir was eating a bag of....something (walnuts, maybe?).

"Public service? How is launching the school bus into space a 'public service?'" While Dib was mildly perplexed & discouraged by Zim's statement, Zim looked like he found the suggestion that he would simply launch the bus into space and call it a day rather insulting.

"I'm not just sending them into space, Dib" he huffed "Look out the window" When Dib looked he saw a wormhole open up directly in the path of the bus. Great.

"You managed to chart a wormhole?" Dib said with a fair amount of awe, if this planet had the technology to do that it wasn't common place, certainly not enough for a child to easily get ahold of it. "I'm impressed, also kind of worried at how premeditated this is, but impressed!"

"Isn't it?" Zim said proudly "It took a lot of planning, modifying the bus and tracking wormholes to find the perfect place to send them" His eyes were bright as he started excitedly explaining the process he went through and the details he added like a panoramic video in the windows, clearly relishing having an audience to show off to. However, he cut his own speech short as he noticed the ship was following after the bus "Eh? Dib-goat, what are you doing?"

"I'm finding out where this thing leads" Dib explained "It's not that hard to get back out with a starship as long as you have room to turn" Interstellar travel had been common for millenia now, it had long since become standard for ships to be fitted with engines powerful enough to resist the pull of a wormhole. "You didn't think that just because I'm impressed with what you're doing I'd let you get away with it, no questions asked, did you?"

"Yes" Zim stated, prompting Dib to sigh tiredly and massaged his temples "At least let me know what you're planning to do"

Zim perked back up "I'm glad you asked, Dib" he said, once again slipping into 'comic book super villain mode' "There were so many wormholes to choose from, but this one. This one is special" the keen observer could see Zim's hands readying to switch the camera feed "At the end of this wormhole is....A room with a moose!" No sooner had he finished his dramatic set up than the screen changed to show the moose.

The creature was absolutely massive, even with nothing else in the room, Dib could tell just from the way it filled the space. It's antlers looked like they were about the size of a small sofa, yet it's powerful neck muscles had no problem supporting them, its' hooves were firmly planted in a solid stance, and it's face had the sort of bored expression that came from knowing there were few things that had a hope of antagonising you. To Dib it looked like some sort of mythical beast of old, if he hadn't heard them mentioned a few times before in class he probably would have thought it was.

"It's huge" Dib gasped quietly, in stunned awe of the creature. "Isn't it though?" Zim said with a confident smile, "There's more, look again" he said, pointing towards the window.

Dib looked out the window and saw a handful of walnuts being shot from small cannon on the front of the bus that could only have been put there for this specific moment. They sailed through the wormhole as Gir half whispered half giggled "Uh-oh, you ruined the CG budget!"

The other two gave the child a confused look before the screen switched to footage of the moose, now grinding the walnuts, shell and all, in its' teeth. Dib watched the display with a look of wide-eyed horror, he wasn't sure what _exactly_ Zim expected the moose to do, but it certainly _looked_ intimidating.

"It'll destroy them" Dib breathed.

"I know!" Zim grinned in reply.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Vengeance" Zim answered, on the verge of starting a monologue "You see, Dib, I've been having a long running problem with most of our classmates" The screen switched to play several clips of Zim being physically antagonised by the other children, Dib found it more than a little uncomfortable to watch.

"And these are just a sample of what happened to me over the past year!" Zim seethed "Some of these _children_" he practically spat the word "Have been in the same class as me since first grade!" Now he was really getting worked up "For year after year I've had to put up with their inability to handle their envy of my greatness!" Dib wasn't sure that was quite what the issue was. "But soon they won't be my problem anymore, they won't be anyone's problem!"

"I....I can't let you do this, Zim" Dib said trying to sound sure of his convictions, despite starting to feel conflicted; once again the child was reminding him of a time he'd rather forget.

"Yes you can" Zim said calmly, as if his tirade never happened "This wormhole has a fork in it that leads back to Earth, you don't even have to turn around"

Dib took a deep breath and released it "That's not what I mean, Zim, you know full well it isn't" Once again his hand gravitated to his forehead "I mean I can't, in good conscience, let you throw our classmates to _that_"

"Yes. You. **CAN!**" Zim snapped, pounding his fists on the control panel and causing the bus to bounce slightly. "You've only been here for a few months, I've had to put up with these little pests for years!" He completely ignored that the 'little pests' were all bigger than him.

"They've been pushing me for far too long and I'm sick of it! Sick of them!" Zim seethed "They brought this on themselves, not everyone in the class is on the bus, they had their save themselves!" You could practically hear the venom in Zim's voice "Surely, you must understand how I feel!"

Dib bit his lower lip, Zim was right, he knew _exactly_ how he felt.

He thought back to his own childhood; while many considered Vort with its' focus on STEM fields and academia to be a paradise for academics and nerds everywhere, the truth was a bit more complicated. The problem of being ostracised for your hobbies hadn't been completely eliminated from Vortian society, only shifted. Dib knew this all too well, having been on the receiving end of it.

* * *

Part of the problem was that Dib's interests were just ever so slightly outside of the 'acceptable range': it was fine to want to discover a new species, but searching for cryptids was not. Similarly studying archaeology and ancient societies was highly respectable, but actually believing their mythology and trying to prove it true was practically inviting ridicule. In some ways the line between what was an acceptable pastime and what wasn't was even finer than most cultures.

Thus between his active imagination genuinely believing the stories he read to be true, and his inability to grasp such subtleties, he didn't so much cross the line as spend his childhood firmly on the wrong side of it. The scorn he earnt only strengthened his resolve to see his theories through, and to see the looks on everyone's faces when they realised he was right all along.

Unfortunately, Dib had both societal and personal factors working against him; being a child of one of the most renowned scientists on Vort created pressure both at home and in school to choose a more legitimate field. Home wasn't too bad with his Father's absence and Gaz's indifference, but school was another matter entirely.

His peers mocked his interests for being too fanciful, and the fact that he had inadvertently vexed many of them in one way or another in pursuit of the unknown had done little to endear him to them. Nor did the fact that he was psychologically in a bad place for an entirely different reason. Talking to the adults offered no help either, as many of them made no secret of their belief that he was wasting his potential and that he should consider a different career path.

Eventually he and his classmates matured and they had more important things to think about than what Dib did with his free time, while Dib found he didn't care as much anymore, but for a few years when he was around Zim's stage he was an **_angry_** child. Unhealthily so.

While he tried not to think about it anymore, he had indulged in some really dark fantasies about misfortunes befalling his tormentors back then. Part of him was glad he'd never shared them with anyone else, but part of him wondered if doing so would have resulted in him getting the therapy he probably should have had. If the Dib from back then was faced with this dilemma he wasn't sure what he would have chosen. If he were on the bus itself....well, he probably _would_ have made the right choice in the end, but he likely would have seriously considered letting himself be destroyed if it meant his classmates going out with him.

But then another memory came to mind.

A few years ago he was in University, walking around the campus after finishing his classes for the day, when a voice had pulled him from his thoughts "Goodness! Dib? Is that you?"

The voice belonged to a young Vortian woman about the same age as him. "That's me" he had nodded in reply "Sorry, I can't quite place you" The woman look flustered and shook her head, "Don't be!" she exclaimed before awkwardly looking away and mumbling "I'm the one who should be"

Dib was understandably confused "Sorry for what?" he genuinely couldn't place her. The woman took a deep breath before facing him "I'm Tai" she said "We went to school together once" She didn't need to add that much, once she said who she was, he remembered.

She seemed to notice his expression darkening and hurried to say her piece "I can tell you're not happy to see me, so I'll make this quick. I shouldn't have said and done what I did back then, I know that now" It wasn't what Dib had expected to hear. Seeing his surprised face emboldened Tai and she continued "I was going through a rough patch at the time, and since you had already been singled out, I took out my own feelings of self-doubt on you because I thought it was safe" she said as she fidgeted with the hem of her top.

"I know that doesn't excuse my behaviour, but I've been hoping to see you again for a long time so I could tell you that I know now what I did was wrong" She sighed before continuing "I understand if you're still angry, and if you don't want to forgive me, just....don't be angry at the world, please? I know these things can linger for a long time, so...."

Dib wasn't sure what to say; while she hadn't been the worst of his tormentors, she did stand out enough for him to fantasize about a meteorite destroying her house a few times. He hadn't thought about her in a while, but now that she had shown up again the memories of her saying it was good he spent so much time in the woods since he'd end up homeless bubbled to the surface. It would be easy to angrily berate her for everything she had said, possibly for some of what their other classmates had said, too.

But at the same time, it was clear that it had taken a lot for her to work up the nerve to apologise; it didn't make everything better, but it was nice she had thought to do it. Sure he could just be angry, but didn't being an adult mean letting go and being a bigger person than you used to be?

"I appreciate you saying that" he'd said quietly, pausing a moment as he registered that he had just made his choice before continuing, a little louder now "It looks like it was hard for you to say" He was seriously doing it, good job being mature, Dib! "If you're done with your classes, we could get a coffee and talk a little"

To be fair, Tai looked equally surprised "S-sure! That would be nice"

Eventually she had found out how angry Dib had been back then, and vice versa. But it had come out gradually and relatively calmly over multiple meetings between the two as they talked through their childhood baggage, instead of a screamed tirade. They weren't best friends or anything like that, more on that border between close acquaintances and sort-of friends. But they were on decent terms and understood each other a little better now; they even joked about the meteorite, and that was better than he ever thought things would be between them.

* * *

In the present Dib took a deep breath and looked firmly at the screen "You're right Zim, _do_ I know what it's like to be where you are" he said "But I also know what it's like further down the road"

Without taking his eyes off the screen he activated the tractor beam and grabbed the bus, ignoring Zim's loud protests as he began scanning the course of the wormhole. Just as Zim said, there was a fork in its' path, one side lead to the moose and the other close to where the entrance was.

While the children on the bus assumed they were going over a gravel road and enjoyed feeling the bus shake under them, Dib was tensely waiting for the fork to come up. When it finally did he made a hard turn right, following the flow of a wormhole was always easier than fighting it, especially when towing something. Then he just needed to cloak the ship and set the bus down.

A few seconds later Dib's ship exited the wormhole and the bus followed shortly after. When he looked back at the screen Zim was staring at him as if the Vortian had just slapped him, a moment later Zim cut the connection, likely sparing Dib his frustrated screaming.

The trip back left Dib to process a complicated mix of emotions; he had done the right thing, but it didn't exactly _feel_ good. He'd theoretically saved almost a class worth of children, but these weren't quite the pure hearted little cherubs people tended to think of children as; people are complicated, no matter how young they are, and these ones all had their own issues. The big problem was how they had chosen to handle them (and that somebody they had tried taking their feelings out on could hold a grudge like nobody's business and did nothing by half measures)

Maybe he was letting his own baggage colour his thoughts and hadn't moved on as well as he believed he had, but he could understand Zim's feelings; the boy had been pushed too far and tried to get back at his classmates. He'd dreamt up enough elaborate revenge scenarios that he was in no position to judge and, as much as he hated to admit it, for a second he _had_ seriously considered leaving them to their 'moosey fate'.

Not to mention how betrayed Zim had looked; in the long run it was probably for the best he didn't get away with this, but that wouldn't change how he felt right now. Then there was the fact that none of these children even realised what had happened; he'd just saved them and they would never acknowledge it, they'd just ignore him as usual without ever knowing what he had done for them.

Being mature really stinks sometimes.

And this had just been a reaction to physical bullying, it could have been far worse. In a way Zim's own lack of subtly had shielded him; Dib had observed many instances of their classmates antagonising the boy in less direct ways, trying to exclude him by claiming there wasn't room for him to join, or there weren't enough of what they were enjoying to go around, or moving away from him when he sat near them. Then there was the incident with the cadets trip, which Dib was fairly sure was more of the same.

Not a single one had landed and were often attributed to poor problem solving skills on the other children's parts, or him being given space out of reverence; nothing short of overt violence seemed to register and even that had been attributed to jealousy. How much worse would things have been if he knew?

* * *

When Dib got home he found Zim standing outside his house, his arms were crossed and he was scowling at Dib as if he had been waiting since the bus was redirected to give him heck; knowing Zim he probably had. Dib sighed, he was expecting this, the best course of action would be to just let the boy scream his piece.

"Why did you **do** that!?" Zim shouted "Why couldn't you just let me _win_!?"

"You were trying to kill over a dozen people, Zim....I think" in all honesty Dib wasn't sure what would have happened to them "Of course I was going to stop you"

"You _said_ you wanted to help me! You _said_ you were going to be supportive!" Zim was close enough for Dib to notice the beginnings of a few frustrated tears Zim was desperately trying to cut off.

"Being supportive doesn't mean letting you do whatever you want, Zim" Dib said softly, putting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder "Especially not when it's something that could be harmful to you"

Zim turned away with a huff, but didn't push the hand away "It was supposed to be harmful for everyone else"

"Look, Zim. I know things are frustrating right now, they have jerks where I'm from too, I understand wanting to see them suffer, but things can change. _People_ can change, and I don't want you to make a choice this big while you're angry and end up regretting it later"

"I wouldn't" Zim answered immediately. Patience Dib, you knew he was stubborn when you signed up for this.

"But let's say you do, by then it'll be too late to do anything to fix it" Zim didn't look convinced by Dib's speech, so the Vortian tried another approach. "Besides, you said you wanted to rule the world some day, right?" Wouldn't it be more....rewarding to wait until after that?" He offered with an awkward smile "Then nobody could tell you not to, and you'll get to show them how you thrived despite them. They say success is the best revenge"

This seemed to have a positive effect, or at least Zim seemed to calm down a little as he gave the idea some thought. Dib quietly hoped the boy would outgrow his megalomania, this could really backfire if Zim ever actually succeeded in taking over the world.

"So what exactly _was_ your plan, Zim?" Dib asked after a long moment "Was the moose supposed to eat everyone, or...."

"Eh? No! That would be stupid, moose are herbivores" he replied "No, I was thinking the bus would hit the moose and be destroyed on impact, or something....they'd be stranded there forever anyway, that's all that matters" he added with a half-hearted wave of the hand.

At this point Zim didn't even look angry anymore, he just looked tired "I hate them, Dib. I hate them so much" he sighed. Dib looked at him with a mixture of sympathy and concern as he tried to find the right thing to say.

"I know you do" Dib said quietly "If you want, we could play laser tag this weekend" he offered, "It might give you a way to get some of the frustration out of your system"

This coaxed a tiny smile out of the boy, "I won't show any mercy" Zim said, a bit of his usual fire had already returned.

"I know you won't" Dib answered with a smile of his own "Try to be patient, it's only a few more weeks before summer, then you'll have two months away from them" he paused for a moment "And hey, you can always vent to me if you need to"

"Even at one in the morning?" Zim asked.

"You shouldn't be up that late, but sure" As the two of them went their separate ways, Dib decided he didn't feel quite right leaving it like this, Zim still seemed upset, but it was clear he needed some time alone. Then a thought struck him, while he was reluctant to let Zim tinker with any of his tech unsupervised, there was one compromise he could make.

"Hey, Zim!" Dib called from one front door to the other "I'm going to send you something! Check your communicator in a few minutes!"

Once he got through the door he selected one of the many books his father had written and sent the file over, this particular one was about Zoology and seemed a harmless enough place to start. At the very least Zim couldn't try and track down any of the creatures by himself without a starship (incidentally, his recent requests to go for rides in Dib's had become a welcome break from the usual escapades)

Elsewhere Zim was now flipping through the book, which had been automatically translated for him, and excitedly pouring over the catalogue of exotic animals in a way he hadn't since he was Gir's age. He liked animals, and this book actually had 3-D holograms of the creatures and clips of them in action you could access by touching the stills. He was still a little sour that his moose plan hadn't worked out, but he'd admit this was a nice consolation prize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before we get into the notes, just like with halloween, here's a preview of the far off Christmas episode (I didn't know this, but the the preview for the halloween chapter went up on the aniversary of the episode):
> 
> "Dib, what is that?" Gaz asked flatly, gesturing to the huge tree filling the corner of the living room.
> 
> "Well, according to the website it's ecologically sustainable" Dib said with an awkward smile as his attempt at humour failed to land "It's an Earth thing, part of celebrating Christmas is to decorate a pine tree" He explained "The tradition is to cut one down, but some people have started digging one up, keeping it in a pot, and replanting it because trees take a long time to grow and killing one to display for a few weeks feels kind of wasteful"
> 
> "Dib, I didn't ask for your stance on it, I asked why it's here at all"
> 
> "Well, there are a lot of holidays for the winter solstice, even the equatorial countries where the days stay roughly the same length year round have something now. So we need to celebrate something if we want to pass as human" Dib explained "Christmas is the most common one here and the only one I could find that isn't tied to a specific culture besides the actual solstice, and that's pretty rare now" Dib held out an ornament to Gaz "Besides, it's kind of fun"
> 
> * * *
> 
> So now we get into the actual notes.
> 
> I've seen a lot of people struggle to reconsile Dib as we see him in the first episode to how he is in the movie; in the movie he comes off as a sweet boy living in his father's shadow who just wants his family's support and help improve humaity, even if not in the way his father does. It can be hard to believe this is the same person that chased Zim down in the first episode, shouting how they might name the autopsy video after him, without even checking to make sure he was actually connected to the signal he picked up and not just a random alien.
> 
> My interpretation is he just grew up.
> 
> I know a lot of people equate growing up with a loss of innocence and becoming more angry, but really it's more a shift in priorities and for some it means realising there's more important thing to feel than anger. That's how I interpret Dib's progression in the show, and how he grew up before this story. In particular I remember seeing a post about Room with a Moose being a turning point in his character arc the show, so it makes sense that something similar would happen here (perhaps I'll be able to do something good for the Christmas one too; to me that was an important point in the show where his priorities shift to realising that he really only wants his father's support). In this case realising that, while he's more together than he was as a child, he still has farther to go than he thought and starting to figure out what his next step is.
> 
> But yes, thus far Dib's generally been an extraterrestrial boy scout and I've hinted before that he wasn't always this way, but this is where the influence of my friend comes in. I've seen a few people talk about having been an angry middle schooler, letting go of that in their early 20s, feeling a sense of accomplishment for that while wishing they could go back in time to tell their younger self how things would be; she was my first real exposure to that. When she and I met she was in her early 20s and several years older than me, so I always knew her as the big sister writer who would probably bake me cookies if we actually lived close together and she could make ones that were safe for me. But I've seen her mention a few times that she went through the angry middle schooler phase, as I said last chapter, my experiences were very different; my exposure to the trials of dealing with other children was limited (and frankly, with my parents' health problems, I had bigger problems) so my version of the typical middle school phases were watered down and some happened at completely different times. So it was really surprising to hear what she was like back then, even now she's the first person I go to for culture bridging with the more typical north american experience.
> 
> Anyway, happy new year Jlucy, hopefully the past few months have gotten everything bad for the next decade out of the way.
> 
> Happy new year to everyone else too, I really appreciate all the support the story is gotten the past few months and I hope you'll continue to give the story your love in the next year.


	10. Curse You Filthy Taco Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really special, or at least one I've been looking forward to for a while (a couple of you I chatted with during the planning phase might already know which one this is). The past couple of chapters have been a bit of an emotional rollar coaster and things are calming back down a little.
> 
> This is also the first time I've updated since the new term of classes started, so hopefully it still works well; last term I had mondays off and now I have one class, though it doesn't end too late in the afternoon, so I should still be able to keep the same schedule. It's interesting though, there's another story on fanfiction.net called Chirality that's been posting updates around the same time as me and I feel like medically our human child Zims are sort of opposites. At least in that the one from Chirality has a weakened immune system among his many health problems while mine's only problem come from being too healthy in a way (Or at least has an over active immune system and he's decided to declare war on anything he's allergic to), so having them update at the same time makes them feel connected in a way.
> 
> Anyway, let's start

Gir sat on the floor, pink crayon in his pudgy little fist as he tried to draw Floopsy from Floopsy Bloops Shmoopsy, which was currently playing on the TV, making it the perfect time for him to draw the characters. Or at least the time where he was least likely to forget important details like Shmoopsy's hat. Just as he finished and reached for the blue crayon the commercial break started, oh well, Floopsy would just have to bloop Shmoopsy after the commercials were finished.

His attention was soon caught by the bright yellow and manic screaming that signaled one of his favourite commercials: The Taco Man.

The ad in question was actually for a place called 'Krazy Taco', a fast food chain specialising in cheap tex mex, but Gir remembered it as 'the taco man' for just that; a man in a colourful taco costume who would scream the information into the camera, often throwing himself on the floor, punching himself, or engaging in some other form of antics the small child found endlessly entertaining. Without his brother around to complain about it, Gir enjoyed screaming alongside the commercial, though it came out as more of a squeal. However, soon the commercial ended and one for laundry soap took its' place.

Gir sat back, leaning against the sofa as he waited for the less entertaining ad to end and his show to return, when two smaller screens floated down in front of him. "The TV Parents!" he squealed, waving at the screens. Zim had referred to the man and woman on the screens as their parents, but they also had the roboparents, so Gir had taken to calling these two 'the TV parents' to avoid getting them mixed up, and because that's where he saw these ones the most.

"Hello Gir!" they both said "Do you know what today is?"

Gir nodded "It's Sunday!" his parents looked at each other with the expression of two people who had spent hours working on a project and just looked up to see it was 3am, before pulling up their planner and confirming it was, indeed, Sunday.

"That's right, good job Gir, but do you know what _else_ today is?" his father asked, Gir shook his head no. "It's family dinner night, and we've decided you're old enough to choose the restaurant this year" his mother explained.

Gir's eyes went wide "I gets to choose the restaurant?" he gasped with more awe than would normally be warranted "And I can choose _any_ place I want?" both parents nodded.

Between the recently viewed ad, his own fondness for the restaurant, and the infrequency of his trips there, Gir immediately knew the answer "I wanna go to the Krazy Taco!" he squealed with glee. "The Krazy Taco it is, tell your brother to meet us there at the usual time" they said before floating out the door.

A minute or so later Zim walked into the room, holding a packet of dipping candy in his hand as he took a break from the project he'd been working on. Gir waved excitedly "Ooh! Guess what!" Zim replied with a questioning hum, partially because he already had the candy stick in his mouth and partially because Gir being excited could mean anything from something actually worth being excited about, to his spilt drink looking like a smiley face. "The TV Parents were here! They said it's family dinner night and _I_ got to choose!" Gir squealed.

"The TV Parents? You mean Mom & Dad" Alright, he could understand Gir being excited about choosing for the first time "So, where are we going?"

"The Krazy Taco!"

Zim's face went pale as he made choked noises of protest before finally screaming "**WHAAAT!?** Why wou- We can't- What possessed you to choose the Krazy Taco, Gir?"

Gir looked at him with confusion and a little bit of disappointment "They said I could choose anywhere I want, and we _never_ gets to go there" he whined; he didn't understand why his brother was so upset. The Krazy Taco was one of Gir's favourite places, but Zim hated it and rarely took him there, of course he'd take any chance he could to go. Zim took a deep breath, trying to calm himself

"Do you know _why_ we never go there?" he asked, Gir looked as if he were going to answer yes, before pausing as he realised he didn't know after all and shaking his head.

Zim sighed "What is the one thing I never do when we go there?" Gir immediately motioned to answer "Something I normally do at other restaurants, Gir" Zim added in with a trace of annoyance "The answer isn't 'using the bathroom'"

Gir paused for a moment, making a genuine effort to figure out the answer by himself, sticking his little tongue out in concentration "You don't eat anything!" he finally answered.

Zim nodded "Good job, Gir. Now do you know _why_ I don't eat anything there?" he only waited a moment before explaining "It's because I'm allergic to the food there, _all of it_. That means it's not safe for me"

Gir quietly looked at Zim for a moment before beginning the most dreaded of exchanges with a small child "Why?"

"Because my immune system perceives it as a threat"

"Why?"

"Because it's more vigilant than the average person's"

"Why?"

"Because I'm amazing!"

Truthfully, Zim didn't know why he had allergies, even his parents hadn't managed to fully pinpoint why some people have allergies and some don't, but Gir seemed satisfied with this answer, so he elaborated. "Do you remember the time we went to the park and I told you to keep away from that plant?" Gir nodded "You said it'd make me sick if I ate it"

"That's right, Gir" Zim said patiently "And for me the krazy taco is like a restaurant that has the plant in everything, now do you understand?"

"I do" Gir chirped, as the commercial break ended he picked up the blue crayon to finish his picture when a thought struck him "What're you gonna do then?"

"What I do best, Gir" Zim said as he turned away from the TV dramatically "_Scheme_"

* * *

A quick visit to the website told Zim that the krazy taco had not changed its menu since the last time he had taken Gir there; everything on it had either meat or beans, there wasn't even a dessert menu. Dessert menus had saved Zim on a few occasions, being one place he could count on finding something that was both safe for him and palatable. Seriously, how did this place not have one!? Even McMeaties had the 'Udder Cow Product' milkshake! True, it wasn't a particularly good milkshake and didn't so much melt in the heat as metamorphosise into your choice of vanilla or chocolate scented sludge, but at least it had its' own machine.

Either way, there was one thing Zim knew for certain, he had to find some way to get the restaurant closed down before the night.

* * *

"Hello, I'd like to report a rat infestation" Zim said into the voice modifier, hoping it was set low enough for him to pass as an adult.

"Alright, where was it?" the receptionist asked boredly, prompting Zim to grin victoriously; he was buying it! "The Krazy Taco on Maple street, I saw one scurrying out of the kitchen" Zim lied, confident in his success.

The boy was understandably shocked when the person on the other end started laughing "What is so funny!?" Zim shouted, the irritation clear in his voice.

"You've never been to the Krazy Taco before, have you man?" the receptionist chuckled "Sometimes they have to make an emergency meat order if they run out of beef before the next shipment" the guy explained between fits of laughter "There's nothing to worry about, those are food-grade rats!"

Zim stared at the phone for a minute looking deeply mortified before slamming it down on the receiver; of all the possible responses he could have received, if there was any worse than one with the words 'Food-grade rats' he did not want to know what it was.

* * *

There are some times when you're better off not knowing what happens behind the scenes, Zim was realising this from his vantage point under the kitchen sink of the Krazy Taco's kitchen. Originally he had planned to unplug the fridge storing the meat, forcing them to close without any product to sell, but from what he had observed there was a good chance the staff wouldn't notice and just continue to use the meat, even after it had spoiled.

As he thought of another way he could sabotage the restaurant, fate seemed to take care of it for him in the form of a grease fire starting in the deep fryer. Zim quickly darted through the kitchen door and out of the building, he gleefully went around to the side to watch the destruction through a window.

However, instead of panic and flaming disaster, he saw the staff had calmly slipped a metal sheet over the top of the fryer, cutting off the fire's oxygen supply, and using the sheet as a makeshift griddle while they waited for it to burn itself out.

Zim stifled a scream of aggravation and horror; the staff's resourcefulness coupled with an appalling lack of standards made the restaurant virtually indestructible. Clearly he had underestimated his opponent and would have to form a new plan.

* * *

A few hours later the alarm went off signaling it was time to leave, causing Zim to groan in frustration that he not only hadn't gotten the accursed place closed, but hadn't even found a good plan.

He still held onto a small sliver of hope that he could get out of this as he and Gir made their way there, which was promptly extinguished as they arrived and, much to Zim's disappointment, saw that the Krazy Taco had not been reduced to a smoldering ruin during the past few hours. Gir took notice of his brother's darkening expression and asked "Are you gonna be ok?"

"I'll be fine, Gir" he said as he posed dramatically in front of the door "I will just have to order..." tip head slightly forward for effect "_Off Menu_"

* * *

The two took their seats at a vacant booth, Gir sitting by the wall with Zim beside him near the aisle, and waited for their parents to join them. Zim disdainfully took in the decor of the so called 'dining area', loud music blared overhead and fake potted cacti were sprinkled throughout. Garish shades of red, yellow, and green competed for attention, while simultaneously mirroring the colours of the namesake food item, which was also represented on posters alongside other menu items….With cartoon faces no less. Why would they think this was a good idea? What sort of person would want cartoon versions of their food staring at them while they ate their real world counterparts? Or in general would be alright with their food being depicted as sentient? Disturbing.

Zim was pulled from his assessment of the jarring atmosphere by his parents arriving and taking their seats at the opposite side of the booth, their father across from Gir and their mother across from Zim. Their mother's dark hair matched her eldest's and was styled in a bob with a slight wave in her bangs meant to disguise a stubborn cowlick. While their father's hair, like Gir's, was fair and similarly unruly to the child's, resembling the down of a duckling. Both wore lab coats, while they had time to change between coming from and returning to work, they opted to wear them anyway, only changing into a fresh one; you never knew when something might be spilt on you, after all.

Greetings were exchanged with the sort of awkwardness that only came from going long periods without contact, save for Gir who greeted his parents with his signature carefree attitude, diffusing a bit of the tension. A minute later the server appeared.

The server was the archetypal fast food worker; gangly, with disheveled hair that had gone unwashed a little longer than it should have, and the same expression as a dead fish on his acne speckled face as he silently wished he could be asleep at home. Unfortunately for both parties, he needed to be here if he wanted to save up for a shabby used car, and he spoke as if he were trying to do a half-hearted turkey call when he said "Welcome to the Krazy taco, my name's Todd, can I take your order?" Just peachy.

Zim browsed the menu, the fish taco seemed to be the safest option; both in regards to his allergies and the possibility of it containing rat meat. He took a deep breath as he steeled himself for the stupidity that awaited "I'd like a fish taco without the fish"

The server's eyes were glazed over as he tried to process what he'd heard, not a good start. "We have regular tacos, too" he finally said, "There's no fish in those" Zim scowled up at the teen "I'm allergic to meat, I want a _fish_ taco with _no fish_"

The server looked at Zim as if he had bright green skin and insectoid eyes "So you want a fish taco without fish?"

Zim buried his face in his hands and slowly dragged them down, groaning in frustration at the painful exchange, he could practically _feel_ his IQ lowering "Yes~" he hissed. "Ok, I'll see what I can do, I guess" the Todd warbled before taking the other orders and leaving. His order was going to arrive wrong, he just knew it.

For the next 10 minutes or so the family talked amongst themselves, vague, awkward questions about what they'd been up to lately gradually began to give way to genuine conversations and for a while it seemed the evening would be alright after all.

At least until the food arrived.

Sure enough the plate set in front of Zim held a regular fish taco with thin, pale pieces of grilled fish plainly visible; curses, it wasn't even breaded. Zim glared at the server "You got my order wrong, make it over again" The teen had a puzzled look on his face that made Zim want to scream "But you ordered a fish taco" Zim was dangerously close to losing his temper "I ordered a fish taco _without_ fish" he seethed "There's fish in it!"

"But if there's no fish in it, it's not a fish taco" Todd explained "Why don't you just scrape it off?"

He had just said the worst possible thing.

"I can't 'just' scrape it off!" Zim screamed "It's already been tainted with piscine filth!" he was standing on the chair as he shouted "I don't even want a fish taco! I'm only ordering it because it's the least revolting thing on your horrible, dessert forsaken menu!"

He felt an arm around him and a calming hand on top of his head as he caught his breath after his outburst, it was his Mother "Shhh, calm down sweetie, let me handle this" she said with a quiet fury. Her husband wisely decided to distract Gir with the provided colouring page as she unleashed her wrath on the hapless server "Listen here, drudge, he's been allergic to meat since he was 4 years old" she hissed "Eating something that already touched meat would be like doing surgery without washing your hands first"

"But it's not surgery, it's a taco"

Well, at least he'd know where Zim's frustrated expressions came from. "I'll make this easy to remember" she said with a forced smile "Make him his fishless taco, or I'll write the CEO and have you fired" Todd took the plate and hurried back to the kitchen while the woman took her seat. "Remember sweetie, the insults come _after_ intimidation"

* * *

"Here's your order...Again" the server said as he set the plate down in front of Zim who eyed it suspiciously; it had only been a few minutes, so either not having to cook the fish greatly reduced the time it took, or they'd just scraped the fish off and sent it back.

He tentatively took a bite of his taco and grimaced at the oily texture in his mouth, as expected he hadn't been given a new one, they _had_ just scraped the fish off; they hadn't even gotten all of it if the chewy bit his teeth encountered was anything to go by. Zim pulled his backpack onto his lap and dug through it looking for his allergy medication. While searching, he noticed an empty snack wrapper and quietly cursed his grandiose sensibilities; in his effort to get the restaurant closed for the night he'd overlooked the simplest solution: bringing his own food. Unfortunately, at this point it was too late to do anything about it besides take his medication and hope for the best.

The rest of the meal went by well enough as the family talked together and caught up, Zim showed off his newest blueprints, while Gir told them about how they were making papier mache in school and one child got stuck to the ceiling somehow. Zim picked at his taco to keep his exposure to a minimum and avoid having to place another order, and soon it was time to leave.

The drive home was where things started to fall apart as Zim began to feel the effects of his allergic reaction, and the medication he had taken for it.

He had been looking forward to this night, darn it! Gir forgetting about his allergies was one thing, but now he was being betrayed by his own body! He tried to use his frustration to fuel his fight against the soporific effect of the allergy medicine and stay awake, at least until he was home, but the swaying motion of the car was aggravatingly soothing and making it difficult. He fiddled with his clothes to try and keep alert. Curse you allergies, curse incompetant fast food staff, and curse you...filthy...taco...man...

* * *

A few minutes later the car pulled into the driveway and the occupants of the front seat turned to tell their children they were home now. Only to stop themselves when they saw both were leaning against each other, fast asleep; Gir from being up past his usual bedtime and Zim from the antihistamines in his system. The children's father discreetly took a photo before they both exited the car to carry them in.

Their mother came around to one side and picked up her eldest, amazingly still small enough for her to carry around provided he wasn't wearing the backpack, and walked up to the house, his chin resting on her shoulder and his hands joined behind her neck; just like when he was little.

She carefully pressed her hand against the palm scanner to unlock the door, worrying for a moment that she'd jarred her child awake in doing so as she felt him shift against her. Her concern was unfounded, when she checked he was still asleep, his features relaxed into a rare contented smile as he snuggled deeper into her embrace. Aww.

She smiled fondly at him as she carried him into the house and up the stairs; they really should do this more often, her husband was always saying they should, but she wasn't so sure. Or at least the children rarely came by, giving Zim that access card was enough of an open invitation, right? Who were they to impose themselves on their children?

Which was why she found it odd to see Zim so clingy; when she tried to set him down on his bed he wouldn't let go. "Still as stubborn as ever, aren't you?" she said mirthfully "Fine, you win, you can stay there a little longer" she gently worked both boots off and set them on the floor beside his bed, then both gloves which went on the nightstand. Huh, it now had the card from that time at the studio on it.

She finally eased Zim onto the bed and gently brushed a stray lock of hair out of his face before pulling the covers up and giving him a goodnight kiss on the forehead. With that done, she left to join her husband down stairs and switched the light off "Sweet Dreams"

* * *

The next morning Zim woke up in an exceptionally sour mood.

It was bad enough that he had to sleep at all, let alone that the need kept arising when he didn't want it to, _especially_ when it was caused by an allergic reaction. Zim hated not being in control, and in situations like this not only was the exposure usually from somebody else's misstep, but he couldn't even do anything about the soporific effect the medication had on him. Nevermind how well rested he was after: he _hated_ it. The fact that his blood sugar was low from not having a proper dinner the night before didn't help either.

Stupid allergies. This was all Gir's fault, he just _had_ to go to the Krazy Taco. If he hadn't they could have gone somewhere good with food that was actually safe, or at least serving staff with an I.Q. above the temperature inside the fridge. Then he wouldn't have had a reaction, and fallen asleep in the car, and- and- And slept in dirty clothes! And his outdoor boots were touching his bedroom floor! Ugh!

Yes, that was the problem, he decided: his clothes and floor were dirty. Not that the one night he could count on seeing his parents had been ruined; that would imply he was bothered that they were always away at the lab when they had a perfectly good one at home, or that they didn't spend time with him the way they used to, and he wasn't. Not in the slightest.

He stomped into the bathroom to clean up and get dressed before making his breakfast, the usual sugary cereal, which he ate in silence while scowling at the box before turning it around; the cartoonish smile of the cereal mascot was mocking his bad mood, besides there were puzzles on the back.

Soon Gir toddled downstairs and picked up his own bowl of cereal, Zim's eye twitched; he was still a little mad at him, and he _really_ wasn't ready to deal with Gir right now, especially since the younger child hadn't even changed his clothes. "Gir, is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?" he asked

"Uh-huh" Gir replied, nodding his head "That outfit's dirty, Gir. You need to change it" Zim said as he irritatedly put the bowl in Gir's hands and shooed him up the stairs "Here, take your cereal, too. Big brother needs some alone time"

Once he finished eating he pulled out the step stool to begin packing his and Gir's lunches, only to realise the supposedly empty boxes felt a little heavier than normal. He opened it up and found it had already been packed, amazingly with food that actually matched the standards he made it to; a rare occurrence for the finicky boy. There was a note inside as well, curious, he opened it up and read it:

Hello Sweetie

Since you fell asleep early we thought we'd take care of this for you.  
We're so proud of the smart, independent young man you're becoming,  
do your best today and show everyone how wonderful you are.

Love Mom & Dad

Well, that certainly put a damper on the foul mood he'd planned to be in for the rest of the day.

A few minutes later Gir came downstairs, wearing fresh clothes and ready to go (he even remembered to bring the bowl back; how was Zim supposed to get back in his sulking frame of mind with Gir doing what he was supposed to?) and the two left for school.

* * *

The school day went by without incident and a few hours later they were on their way home when Zim felt Gir tugging on his sleeve as he tried to steer them towards a building. "Can we stop here big brother? I wanna go here!"

Zim groaned as he saw where they were: Bloaty's Pizza Hog.

"Gir, do you _really_ need to go here today?" Zim asked with a hint of tired annoyance, Gir nodded happily before dragging his brother inside.

Zim's expression contrasted with that of every other child in the restaurant, looking like he desperately wished he were almost anywhere else right now: he hated this place. It was so dirty, with grease permanently staining the walls and the smell of old pizza slices that had slipped under the rundown game machines and gone moldy mixing unpleasantly with the fresh ones that were cooking.

Any alleged early childhood incident where he'd been terrified by the dilapidated animatronics and ran out of the restaurant screaming and crying in fear were filthy lies. And even if it weren't, having spent the past several years sharing a house with the roboparents would have long since desensitised him, really.

Nevertheless he wearily eyed his old mechanical nemesis as he took his seat at the cleanest booth available, which honestly wasn't saying much, and Gir toddled over to the counter. He returned a few minutes later carrying two slices of plain cheese pizza, one of which he set in front of Zim "Ta-da!" Gir cheered, earning himself a confused look "It's got no meat on it" he explained as if that made everything clear "You got upset that I chose the Krazy Taco yesterday because of the meat, so I told the guy here 'Don't put any meat on it 'cause it makes my brother sick' and he gave me this!"

Zim grimaced at the plate in front of him; it wasn't that he necessarily disliked cheese, he actually liked it as long as it wasn't excessive. Unfortunately the fare offered by Bloaty's was, very much so, enough that Zim was fairly sure he could do his hair using the glistening pools of grease on his pizza slice as a mirror. Still, he had to acknowledge that Gir had not only learnt from his mistake, was but also showing what he'd learnt, even if he didn't fully grasp why he was upset this morning. Thus Zim forced a smile while using napkins to fastidiously dab the excess oil off his food "Good work Gir"

The pile of oily napkins accumulating beside him and horrible mouth feel of oil soaked bread was worth it for the bright smile he received in return, he decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally up \\(-^.^-)/ I've been looking forward to this one for so long, over a year since I first started planning the story.
> 
> I remember mentioning a few times while planning it how discouraging it is that a lot of the allergy related incidents aren't all that exagerated, I tried something close to the way things are in the show, but I don't really have to push it that far to get there...The fish taco scene was partially based off one time I went to a convention as part of a group and when we went for dinner after my ice cream arrived with a biscotti on it after I had told the server I had celiacs and asked if it would be safe, and then they tried just taking it off in the kitchen and bringing it back when you could still see the crumbs on it. I imagine it's worse in the chapter's setting though, just because of how resigned Zim is that they're going to botch his order. I admit I was worried the mom came off a little soapbox-y when she's arguing with the server, I just imagine her as being the type to knock people over the head with information.
> 
> In other news this chapter brings us to about a quarter of the chapters I had planned (granted I've added a couple of episodes to the original list), but I have been tinkering with a prequil story. It actually came about from my trying to figure out the personalities of Zim & Gir's parents and ending up with a few different scenarios (mostly) from before Gir was born, I've gotten a good amount of work done on the first 2 chapters and a few expand on things referenced in the main story, so it should be nice once it's ready.
> 
> Speaking of which, the starting point for the personalities of Zim & Gir's parents was actually the idea of them having built their corresponding robot parents; particularly that the robomom was either built by somebody who was really out of touch or had a really unflattering image of the typical soccer mom...It turned out to be the latter and she ended being the source of Zim's stubborn & pushy streaks (not strict per say, but there's a good reason she chose a job where she's surrounded by other smart people), while her husband is the more patient and sociable of the two. I'm looking forward to exploring these two more (and hopefully figuring out their names)
> 
> Anyways besides this being a milestone for how many chapters in we are, we just have one more left until their summer break starts. Again, thank you to all of you for your support so far, and I'm looking forward to sharing the rest of the journey with you.


	11. The Secret of the Prize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the last chapter before summer break starts (in-universe). It's a little funny actually, I didn't really have anything to say here before until my class was canceled; today was supposed to have a meeting after class so I was worried about getting back in time to post when I wanted to, then the class was cancelled and so was the meeting we had scheduled after. Anyway, you might guess from matching the weather in the episode, but this time we have "Door to Door"

"Dib, your project wasn't as disappointing as it could have been" Miss Bitters told Dib as he went up to the front to collect his science project.

"Thank you Miss Bitters" he said before returning to his desk, he meant it too; this was among the closest thing to praise the teacher dispensed. He hesitated for a moment before moving to place the diorama on his desk, a lot of the desks had fallen apart in the past few weeks, and this was dangerously close to going over the weight limit. He held his breath as he set it down, for a moment it looked like it his desk would survive before it collapsed under the weight of the model and Dib slumped over in disappointment.

"Go get a replacement desk from the back" Miss Bitters instructed as she marked Dib's spot off on a diagram of the classroom, at this point it had happened so often she didn't even sound annoyed anymore. She didn't have to tell Dib either, he already knew he needed one; his had been one of the last desks to break, so there weren't very many replacements left to choose from, but he managed to find a mostly empty trash can which he brought to his seat before sitting down.

"Students, we've now lost enough desks that we're legally required to replace them" the teacher announced, pausing a moment for the loud cheering to die down before continuing. "However, due to budget cuts we can't afford to buy new ones, so we'll have to run a fundraising campaign" she didn't bother waiting for the disappointed groans to end before starting up the overhead projector and playing the video.

The video was...something else.

It starred a man wearing what was presumably a dog costume, at least if the character's name of 'Poop Dog', in this case spelt D-A-W-G was anything to go by; he looked like no dog Dib had ever seen. Admittedly he _had_ seen a few dressed in baggy clothes similar to those of the dog on the screen, but none were bipedal, sporting clunky jewelry, or looked like they had any say in the matter. It must be a mascot character.

The way 'Poop Dawg' spoke was bizarre too, his speech peppered with strange slang and odd pronunciations like "Makin' big with da monies" or "Pra-Zizes"; even the guy in the suit seemed to have a hard time with how ridiculous his lines sounded, half way through he broke character to tell the director "I can't do this, man" before the video resumed from another take. Even so, Dib was able to glean that the fundraiser involved children going out into their neighbourhoods and their parents' workplaces to sell 'Poop Cola Candy Bars', which apparently consisted of soda flavoured sawdust dipped in chocolate, with the promise of winning prizes. Sorry, 'Pra-zizes'...Wouldn't it make more sense to use the money spent on the candy and prizes to just buy new desks? Some of the rewards being offered were fairly expensive.

Before he could ask, however, he was cut off by shouting from the other side of the row.

Thus far Zim had been sitting in uninterested silence; he had figured out from his first school fundraiser that they were a ploy to take advantage of the guilt adults would feel turning children away, with the offer of prizes blinding the children to the fact that they were, essentially, working for free. It was even more exploitative when you realised that summer break was little over a week away; the children working to pay for the desks might never get to use them. Having a cartoonish dog spouting hip hop slang did nothing to help win him over, especially since the costume was mildly disturbing and he despised the so-called 'Gangsta music'.

Watching the prize list section did not help either; it took over a hundred candy bars to get to the lowest tier and even the more impressive prizes meant to get the children excited did nothing for Zim, partially because he already had better versions of all of these things at home. Then he heard the words 'Secret mystery prize', now Zim was curious. Unfortunately, Poop Dog was being completely unhelpful and refused to give any sort of hint, no matter how much Zim punched and stomped on the apple crate that served as his desk and shouted.

Dib quietly watched the display from his own seat; this was precisely why Zim's desk had been among the first casualties.

* * *

All was peaceful on the quiet suburban streets, people mowed their lawns and set up sprinklers in preparation for summer, the odd barbecue and piece of lawn furniture had already sprung up. People went on strolls in the sunshine and waved to each other as they passed by, or as people walked by them. Street after street was the picture of idyllic tranquility.

Then the fund raisers came.

At first it seemed as if the school children had just returned like any other day, but then the first adults saw the manic glint in their eyes and realised they were dealing with children on a mission. All around, warning calls were made and adults scrambled to get inside and away from the prepubescent hoards as children began pounding on doors and screaming their sales pitches. Turf wars erupted in front of houses whenever multiple children ended up on the same driveway at the same time, and in a matter of minutes the once serene neighbourhood had turned into a warzone.

Dib held his box of candy bars and approached the first house, carefully ringing the doorbell and waiting with the sort of nervousness that made it obvious he had never done this before. After a minute a man answered the door and Dib offered him an awkward smile as he tried to conceal that he was completely out of his element. "Hello, I'm selling candy bars to raise money for the school to buy new desks, would you like to buy one?"

The man seemed to consider it "What's in them?" he asked. Dib looked at the ingredients lists "Saw dust" he said defeatedly, there was no way he would buy it now.

"What kind of saw dust?" The man asked; was he seriously alright with eating that? "It doesn't say" Dib answered.

"Oh. Sorry, I can't help you; I'm allergic to nuts, so if the saw dust comes from one of those trees-"

"It's alright" Dib interjected with a sigh, this was already better than he was expecting, "One of the kids in my class has really bad allergies, so I understand" he resisted the temptation to say it was a child he babysat before leaving for the next house.

The next house he was greeted by a couple who immediately shooed him away saying they didn't want any of his 'Government Candy'. The third house he was met with a teenaged girl "Hello, would you like to buy a candy bar to buy new desks for the local school?" Dib asked with a hopeful smile.

"Is it plant-based?" The girl asked in a nasal voice "I only eat plant-based food"

"Well the video said it was made out of sawdust, so I guess?" Dib shrugged.

"Works for me" the girl answered, paying for the bar and taking a bite, immediately choking on the sawdust "It's good!" she wheezed between coughing fits. "Um.... are you alright?" Dib asked uncomfortably "Sure, just need some water" the girl coughed, giving a half-hearted thumbs up before going back inside, leaving Dib standing on the step to continue his efforts.

* * *

Elsewhere Zim was not having any better luck, he'd been to several houses and been: yelled at, chased away, nearly sprayed with a garden hose, and made to call the ambulance for a guy that had an aneurysm when he noticed Gir making angels in his lawn. And the guy hadn't even bought any candies to thank him!

On top of that there was this unbearable heat: Curse you global warming!

When he took over, things would be different. He'd fix the ozone and clean up the water so he could use tap water without having to filter it a dozen times over, and everyone responsible for this mess would pay dearly. Then the planet's temperature would lower and nobody would dare tell him his outfit's multiple layers, colour scheme, and lack of breathable fabrics were inappropriate for this weather. And no people in dog suits would be allowed to withhold information from him, forcing him to trudge through this horrendous pre-summer heat while Gir made disgusting lippy-smacky noises as he ate his inventory.

"Gir! Don't eat that filth!" Zim snapped "We have real candy at home"

When he turned back he saw _him_ with his weird dog face of unknown breed and clunky jewelry. His baggy sweatshirt and pants had been replaced with a dark hooded robe, or rather a floor length hoodie, but it was definitely him "_Poop Dog_"

"Zim" the dog said ominously, "I am the gangster specter of defeat, here to tell you that you are doomed to fail!" Not a single word word he said registered with Zim, despite the entire exchange being his delusion, brought on by a combination of heat and overexertion. "You'll never know the secr-" Poop Dog was cut off by Zim body slamming him; he'd made a fatal mistake leaving the safety of his video to enter the physical world where Zim could land a blow on him.

* * *

As Dib came around the corner he saw Zim screaming & tilting at nothing and looking really...not healthy "Zim, are you alright?"

"I'm...Fine..." Zim panted, looking anything but, and briefly glancing down to notice the dog had disappeared. His face was flushed, he was noticeably shaking as he struggled to support both his own weight and that of the case of candy bars as he picked it up, and the odd droplet of sweat trickled down his face.

That was perhaps the most worrying part, that it was only a few drops; Dib knew humans needed to sweat to help regulate their body temperature, between that and his insistence on wearing the same outfit regardless of the season, the boy was likely on the verge of passing out from overheating.

"You don't look fine, Zim" Dib said "Please sit down before you pass out"

Zim glared at Dib "I know what you're up to, you're in league with the dog!" Oh gods, Zim's mind already went to weird places when he was stressed, and now the heat was making him hallucinate. "You only want me to take a break so you can out sell me and win the mystery prize!"

Dib took a deep breath "Zim, I couldn't care less about the mystery prize. The only reason I'm selling this dirt in a wrapper is so I don't have to write my next exam on top of a trash can" He looked around a moment before he spotted a vending machine and walked up to it "Look! They have that drink you like so much, the one with the berries" he said as he took a bill from the top of the box and put it in "Here I am, using part of the money from the only bar I've managed to sell to get you something to drink" The can rattled into the slot, Dib picked it up and returned to where Zim was "So please sit down and take a break, you're _really_ not dressed for this weather"

Zim sullenly let himself be guided under a nearby tree and snatched the can as he sat down to drink. "Better?" Dib asked once he had finished, he certainly _looked_ more like himself. "No!" Zim huffed "I was perfectly fine!" Yep, he was feeling better. "I'm only sitting here because it's a good place to plan, I'm a master salesman you know!" He called after Dib as he left.

"I know!" Dib called back with a smile, before whispering to Gir to make sure Zim took proper care of himself.

* * *

When Dib got home he flopped onto the sofa and let himself sink into the cushions as he gave a deep sigh of exhaustion. "What did Zim do this time?" Gaz asked, her eyes still fixed on her screen, Dib shot her a look.

"It isn't _always_ Zim, you know" he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The school's doing a fundraiser, we have to sell borderline edible candy bars to raise enough money to buy new desks, and it's not going well"

"How many is 'not well'?"

"One"

Gaz walked over to the box and thoughtfully inspected a candy bar "How have you been trying to sell these?" she finally asked.

"Oh, well I ring the doorbell, or knock since some doors don't ha-" an annoyed noise from Gaz stopped his rambling "And then I say 'Hello, would you like to buy a candy bar to help raise money to buy new desks for my school?' and hope that they buy one....they usually don't"

Gaz made a noise of disapproval "Of course they don't, you sound sad and desperate" she stated, folding her arms "Look Dib, a big part of my job is marketing non-essentials. If you're going to do this, at least let me show you how to do it properly" It took a moment for Dib to realise what she was suggesting

"Wait, are you offering to help me?"

"I guess so" she grumbled "But only because my game entered beta testing today!"

Whatever the reason, Dib was just glad to have some help "So, where should I start?"

"The basics of selling anything is that it has to fill a need, and if your product doesn't meet a basic need, you have to create one" Gaz explained "This is why most ads use emotional appeals; to try and get you to associate their product with a feeling or look you want"

Dib nodded as he listened "So what emotions should I go with?" he asked as he started trying to work out a good starting point.

"That depends on your target audience, think about what's important to them and try to connect it to your product or cause" her smile took on a slightly sinister tone "Of course, there's one emotion that's easy to appeal to no matter who you're dealing with: fear"

Dib looked confused "Fear?"

Gaz nodded sagely, like a master of a dark and forbidden art "You see Dib, no matter how highly evolved and technologically advanced we like to think we are, deep down we're all frightened wild animals" she explained "The part of your brain that feels fear reacts fastest and is the easiest to appeal to: those ads that tell you you'll belong if you use their product or be ostracised if you don't are the fear of isolation, everything limited by supplies or time are fear of scarcity or missing something"

"Would it work for humans too though?" Dib asked.

"Definity. I've been marketing my old games to humans for months, where did you think our grocery money came from?"

Dib had never thought about it before, though he was glad to have gotten the explanation along with the topic being raised; he could imagine far worse places the money could have come from. "Really Dib, just look at Irk; why do you think they have so many weapons in their PAKs, even if they're scientists?" Gaz asked "It's because under all that technology they're all paranoid little bugs, and having a bag of weapons attached to their spines makes them feel better"

"Still, I don't know about using fear to sell candy, how _would_ you use fear to sell candy?" Dib pondered, not knowing that next door Zim was planning to do just that "But what you said about knowing my customers sounded good, can we focus on that?"

Gaz shrugged in response to his question "Suit yourself"

And so Gaz spent the rest of the evening instructing her brother in the art of marketing; to focus on workplaces over households as peer pressure would prompt more people to buy, avoid going to houses his classmates lived in as their parents would have already bought candies from them, and most importantly, how to tailor his pitch to different people and deliver it with confidence. By the time he went to bed that night he was sure tomorrow would go better.

* * *

The next day Dib went downtown to begin selling, a lot of the offices were closed for the weekend, but there were still a few places to be found that were both open and lacking a 'no soliciting' sticker. The first stop was what looked like an acupuncturist office, he took a deep breath before going in and giving his pitch.

"We don't take anyone under 13 without an adult" the receptionist said absentmindedly.

"Oh, I'm not here for an appointment, I'm selling candy bars for your local school," he said, following his sister's advice to scan her desk for anything he could appeal to, his eyes settled on a framed photo. "Are those your kids?" He asked, the receptionist nodded "My eldest's starting school in the fall" Perfect!

"That's great! We're raising money to buy new desks, would you like to help improve their future school?" he asked with a smile.

"Sure, my boss will be done with his client in a few minutes if you want to ask him too" the receptionist said as she paid for her candy.

Ultimately Dib was able to sell several candy bars to the acupuncturist, receptionist, and a few people in the waiting room. The next place he tried was a driving school, the staff bought a few, but what was really interesting was the group of student drivers waiting; several of them were young enough to remember doing these fundraisers themselves and bought one out of sympathy. A few scoffed at him, but then the people who bought some actually chewed those guys out and managed to pressure them into buying, just like Gaz said they would.

The last place he tried was a large, unusually clean building, when he came to the front desk he was given a set of goggles before being let in. As he walked down the hall, things became more familiar from his own childhood: this place was a laboratory. He could hear muffled voices in the distance that grew louder the closer he came to the door until he could clearly make out what was being said, right now it sounded like they were trying to keep some controls in the correct range.

"You, pull some levers! **Pull some levers!"**

Dib decided it would be best to wait for whatever was happening to finish before going in, he'd clearly come at a bad time, meanwhile he busied himself trying to figure out what it was about the cadence of the voice he'd just heard that sounded so familiar. He got his answer a few minutes later when everything quieted down and he walked through the doors. In the few months he'd been on Earth he'd seen these people on the news and in his research countless times; he'd gone to the lab Zim's parents owned. 

"Hello" he said awkwardly, chances were Zim had already through here "I'm selling candy bars for the local school, so we can buy new desks. But I'll just go if you're busy" 

"Aren't you going to sell candy bars?" the man, Zim & Gir's father, asked in a lilt that gave Dib a good idea of how Gir would sound after starting and finishing puberty. 

“Zim’s in my class” Dib explained “There’s no point in two of us selling to the same place”

“He hasn’t been here, though” the mother interjected before picking a candy bar off the top of the box “Ooh! I remember these, nothing else burnt quite like them” she grinned in a way looked _very_ similar to Zim “I’ll take the rest of your inventory” In a few short minutes Dib had been paid and sent on his way with instructions from the two professors to say hello to their children for them. 

He stumbled out of the building in a daze that the receptionist was used enough to seeing not to comment on. Normally Dib would have been bothered by the implications of this, but he was too busy trying to make sense of the twilight zone he’d just left.

Those two weren’t at all what he expected, on many levels, not to mention how surreal it was to see where some of Zim & Gir’s traits and quirks had come from; hearing little preschooler Gir’s speech pattern coming from a 6 foot tall man and seeing Zim’s trouble making smile on a woman in her early 40s was jarring to say the least. But what left the greatest impact was that Zim hadn’t come through.

He was well aware of how little contact the children had with their parents, and Dib admittedly didn’t have anything to compare this instance to as Vortian schools were well funded enough not to burden the students with that responsibility. But Dib at least _tried_ to get his Father’s attention growing up; school was one of the few parts of his childhood his father showed interest in, he probably would have gone to sell candies at the lab, but Zim hadn’t. 

Granted, Dib didn’t have the same stubborn pride streak as Zim, so it was difficult to tell where simple refusal to make the first move ended and discouraged resignation began. It was even more worrisome considering what he’d seen yesterday; the boy had pushed himself to sell in the heat until he was on the verge of passing out, before he thought to go to his parents’ workplace.

....If nothing else this had given Dib confirmation that he’d made the right choice in trying to help Zim & Gir.

* * *

Soon it was monday and Dib sat in class as Miss Bitters announced the results of the fundraiser, he was surprised to find his 200 bars was the outlier and every one else had only sold a dozen or so. As he received his box of bandages he noticed Zim was absent and hoped the child hadn't landed himself in the hospital; he hadn’t answered when Dib went to check on him over the weekend, and from what he'd witnessed earlier it was a distinct possibility.

Dib's thoughts and the teacher's announcement were cut off by a series of small tremors, was there an earthquake?

The tremors grew louder and stronger until one of the windows was forced open by a flood of dollar bills that poured into the classroom, so many that the students on Dib's side of the room were up to their waists in them. Zim rode in a top the sea of money, posed triumphantly as he announced "I have successfully sold 1,002,342 horrible sawdust candies and won the mystery prize! He hopped down in front of Miss Bitters "Gimme!"

The teacher raised an eyebrow, for the first time in years a student had managed to surprise her "Well this is unexpected" she monotoned, little of her surprise actually showing in her voice. She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out an envelope "The mystery prize is…." Zim was practically vibrating with anticipation at the announcement; he was finally going to learn the secret of the prize. "A can of tuna"

"WHAT!?"

"We never expected anyone to reach a prize level beyond the first one" Miss Bitters stated. 

"I can't even eat tuna!" Zim complained loudly, even if he could, he certainly wouldn't eat _this_ tuna; it looked like it had been in that drawer since the old desks were bought "What about the higher levels? Can you give me one of those instead?"

"I suppose" Miss Bitters answered and fished a bicycle helmet out from the drawer before handing it to Zim who stared at it with a mixture of frustration and disappointment "You don't have the hover craft either?" 

"We never bothered buying anything beyond than the helmet, considering we've had this one longer than you've been alive, I'd say it was the right choice"

Zim gave a long, wordless scream before running out of the classroom, down the hall and out of the school. As he left he spotted the mountain of dollar bills he'd collected, his first instinct was to kick at it; he had put all this work into fundraising for an ancient crash helmet and a can of bacteria that had once been tuna. Even worse they had actually gotten him, they had found a trick to make him buy into their fundraiser, and thoroughly bruised his ego as a result.

Then a thought struck him, if they exploited him and wouldn't give him a proper prize, he'd just have to fashion one for himself. He proceeded to cram as much money as possible into his backpack and the helmet. Admittedly he could afford to do this himself with the card his parents gave him, but this felt better; nobody cheated Zim and got away with it!

After that he went to an engraving shop to craft himself a prize truly worthy of his efforts. While he was waiting Dib phoned, having been worried after Zim left and offering to pick up Gir so he could have his space for a while. Zim accepted and stopped to pick up one more thing he needed before he was ready to go home.

* * *

A few hours after receiving his underwhelming prize Zim had calmed down considerably and returned home to Gir watching some show about ghosts. "Didju win?" Gir asked excitedly, enough to push the show from his mind as he scampered up to his brother, who was now sporting a broad, triumphant grin. Zim's self-awarded prize consisted of the largest trophy the engraving store had to offer with the words '#1 Saleschild ZIM' written on it, while the cup of the trophy was practically overflowing with candies, chocolates, and candy bars.

"Of course I did, Gir. None of the others even came close to my success!" It was true, even if the school had marked his count as off due to the funds he’d reappropriated, he was still miles ahead of everyone else. Gir was convinced anyway, judging by his squealing cheers.

A few minutes later both were seated on the sofa, relaxing as they enjoyed some of Zim's questionably gotten sweets. Gir held up a peanut butter chocolate bar, examining it with uncharacteristically quiet thoughtfulness before he finally voiced his question "Hey, big brother, how do you think they knew which candies to put in?" 

"What do you mean?" Zim asked as he unwrapped a caramel filled chocolate. 

"Well all the candies and stuff they gave you are our favourites" Gir commented "How do you think they knew?"

Zim nearly choked on his mouthful of caramel, he hadn’t expected Gir to notice the selection of candies being heavily skewed to their tastes “It’s a mystery” he answered. The explanation seemed to satisfy Gir who took a bite of his own bar “Think that’s why they call it the mystery prize?” he mused. 

Zim gave him a small smile “I suppose so”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of cut content from this chapter is that when Gir starts elementary school he tells his classmates about the prize Zim brought home and inadvertantly starts a school wide myth that if you sold over a million candy bars you'd get a trophy full of candy that ends up persisting long after he graduates.
> 
> Also it was really weird for me actually using the word 'candy bar' for this chapter, since it always makes me imagine a block of hard candy tnstead of what it really means so I usually say 'sweet bar' instead. And apologies if anyone's upset by the vegan girl, but I felt a little like the show would have had a poke or two slipped in; though we also have Zim wanting to clean up the environment for purely self serving reasons, so....his selling strategy wasn't that different from the show, either, but we get a nice Dib chapter this time.
> 
> The scene with Zim & Gir's parents was actually a surprise for me too; when I was working on it I got the idea and ran with it (It's going to be a little while before their next planned appearance, so it's nice getting to visit them again so soon).
> 
> That's about it for now, as usual think you for your support everyone, and please let me know what you think (^.^)


	12. He's Got Chicken Legs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the past couple of weeks have been a busy time, the last week was midterms and I spent friday & saturday evening as a supervisor on a classmate's filmset (which is why this chapter was a day late); I was marking people since my job as producer ended last term and it was an...interesting time, but they bought a couple of pastries for me (gluten free food is expensive) and I got a lot of work done on my story, as funny as it was writing this while the person in charge of the food kept asking if I was really alright with not eating anything else on set since nothing else was safe for me and, well...
> 
> Another funny bit of timing was that there's one anon on fanfiction.net that's been leaving rude reviews on people's stories for the past year or so who stopped by, which I found absolutely hilarious because this happened as I was finishing up the "Game Slave 2" chapter so it was fairly topical.
> 
> Anyway, this time we have the first summer chapter and one of the "Take an episode that focused on one character and change who has to deal with it" like chapters 4 & 7, The sad, sad tale of Chickenfoot. Enjoy Everyone

Zim had noticed a number of times over the years that his thought process was different from that of his age mates. Of course it never bothered him, he was Zim: child prodigy,

it was only natural his superior brain worked differently from those of the average dirt-children. That's what being smart meant, wasn't it? That you know better than everyone else?

Either way, one way he differed from his classmates was his feelings about school and summer vacation.

Now, he had been looking forward to it like the rest of his classmates, but not for the same reasons; to them summer vacation meant freedom from school and teachers. For them it was a time to spend days playing, relaxing, and socialising together. A time when they could escape the confines of the classroom and run free through the parks and streets, or play video games where they were still indoors, but on their own terms.

Zim, on the other hand, didn't mind school and learning that much apart from finding the tests and assignments somewhat insulting; he knew the material perfectly well, why should he have to prove it? He certainly didn't feel the urge to run around outside the moment the weather warmed up (especially since spring marked the beginning of pollen season). No, for Zim 'the freedom of summer' meant time away from the other children and not having to put up with anyone or anything he didn't want to.

Or at least it should have.

However, this particular day Zim walked in on Gir watching some sort of paranormal show. Gir's taste in television ran the range from actual children's programs, to weird fact shows, to a monkey glaring into a camera, so it wasn't too unusual for him to be watching something like this with wide eyed fascination.

He casually looked at the screen and saw that this particular segment was about a new cryptid called 'Chickenfoot': a half-human, half-chicken beast that had been terrorising the local Chicky Licky restaurant. Hmm, this one was just down town....He'd never adamantly believed in nor been particularly skeptical about the existence of these things, his interest in supernatural creatures was largely limited to the possibility of harnessing their abilities, something the purists _hated_. But even so this was clearly just a man in a Mr. Chicky Licky costume; you could even see his face through the hole in the beak.

After a few minutes the segment ended and Zim was about to go back to his latest project when he was stopped by three words from Gir "I wanna go!"

"Go where?" Zim asked as he slowly turned towards his brother, he suspected he already knew the answer, but hoped he was wrong and some random place had popped into Gir's head.

"I wanna go see the chicken man!" Gir squealed. Curses.

Zim took a deep breath, he _really_ didn't want to visit a cheap grease pit if he didn't have to, but maybe he could find a way out of it. "Why do you want to go see the chicken man, Gir?"

"I wanna say hello to him!" Gir smiled "Oh! And as him about chicken stuff!"

"How about we go to the park instead?" Zim offered, maybe he could suggest something else for Gir to choose.

"Chicken man!" Gir shouted happily "It'll be an adventure! And I've always wanted to know what being a chicken's like!"

"What if we-"

"Nope!"

"We could go to-"

"Nuh-uh!"

"You're not even waiting to hear-"

"Chicken man!"

"Fine" Zim sighed in defeat, his face buried in his hands "We'll go see" a look of disdain crossed his face "the chicken man"

Gir cheered as he dragged a miserable looking Zim out the door. Still, it wasn't too bad, right? Even if Chicken foot wasn't there, they probably had an employee wearing a mascot costume that would satisfy Gir's curiosity, at most this should just take an hour.

* * *

Thus Zim trudged along as, once again, Gir dragged him to another repulsive fast food joint; one thing he sorely missed about being an only child was not having to go to these places.

His parents hadn't let his existence completely overhaul their habits, some changes were made, but things like going to more child-oriented restaurants were not among them. Instead they had either eaten at home or taken him to the places they'd always frequented before for the first several years of his life, with no regard for the uncomfortable stares they attracted for bringing a toddler into a nicer restaurant. Particularly from couples that had come here to get away from their own children and were put out that their safe haven of adulthood was being invaded.

Contrary to the expectations of everyone else, toddler Zim had no problem adjusting to the more formal environment and was able to eat there without crying, running around, or any of the other disruptive things you would have expected. Ironically, he had a harder time coping with the louder environment of the restaurants aimed at children and the few attempts to satisfy his curiosity about them generally ended in disaster. Thus far, Gir had inherited half of their father's ability to be comfortable in both, making him an outlier as the only one that genuinely enjoyed fast food places.

Zim was glad some of the restaurants he had liked before offered delivery now.

Even the years since Gir was old enough to eat solid foods had done nothing to soften the culture shock Zim experienced visiting one of these places. At least he didn't have to order anything this time; one of the most jarring differences was how well they accommodated him.

Nonetheless, he did like the colour scheme of this particular restaurant a little more than most with its' primarily lavender and periwinkle palette, even if the overhead light washed it out and made it appear rather creepy. It wasn't free of the usual greasy meat smells either, though Zim found the scent of fried chicken was slightly less offensive than the usual cow. While it was mercifully free of other children today, there was one woman standing there with a crying baby in her arms and a look of hopelessness on her face. As the pair approached the counter he could hear a man arguing with a cashier, demanding coleslaw he already had.

"Hello, welcome to Chicky Licky, can I take your order?" The other cashier, a nervous looking young woman with heavy make up, asked boredly with a slight twang.

"We didn't come here for chicken" Zim said through gritted teeth, "We came for information about" he took a deep breath and made a pained expression "Chickenfoot"

The cashier screamed in horror "Don't say that name! You don't know what it's been like since he started showin' up here!" She exclaimed "We've had crews from all over interviewin' us for their paranormal shows! Every other day! There's only a few of the old team left now, everyone else got hired by the TV crews!" With that she broke down sobbing and the male cashier put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"It's alright Maria, I'm sure the police will find where Chewie went. Remember, everything will be fine if the three of us are together!" Maria wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded at the man before calming down enough to go back to work.

Zim had heard about camaraderie forming between people in similar jobs, forged through shared struggles, but looking at the reality made him decide he wanted nothing to do with it.

"Hello you two, I'm Eric" The man said, turning to the brothers after the woman had returned to her register "Are you kids thirsty for chicken?" He slid a drawer full of drumsticks open, Zim stared at it uncomfortably and held onto Gir's backpack leash to keep him from grabbing at it.

"Eh? Are you trying to bribe us?"

"No, I'm just offering you two a free Chicky meal, it comes with a Dirty Chicken toy"

"Why would I want a toy you already told me was filthy?" Zim asked with a look of disgust "More importantly: Why would you let it touch the food!?"

"No, that's the character's name! He's one of Mr. Chicky Licky's friends from Chicky land" the man explained, ignoring Zim's outburst, as he gestured towards the toy "Dirty's the adventurous one; if you squeeze him, his head shoots off on a string like a little grappling hook" Eric demonstrated the gimmick, squeezing the toy a second time to reel the head back in before dropping it back in the bin. He hadn't washed his hands first.

"Save it, strange chicken drone!" Zim shouted "Your greasy fried chicken promises are wasted on me!" he paused for a moment "No, really. I'm allergic to chicken"

"I'm not trying to bribe you, young man!" Eric said with a forced smile "But the chicken toy has a secret, if you go in the freezer he'll share it with you"

Zim studied the man's face for a moment, his eyes darted to the freezer, then back to the man "You're trying to take revenge on us for making your co-worker cry, aren't you?"

"What? NO!" Eric cried in exasperation "I just want to go somewhere Maria can't hear us talking about you-know-who because it upsets her"

The two boys followed the man into the freezer, Gir skipping after him, and Zim grasping Gir's harness, he used a spare cereal bar to keep the door from closing fully, just in case.

"There! We're in the freezer, are you happy!?" Zim shouted while clenching one hand "Now tell me!"

"Uh-uh-uh" Eric said in a singsong voice, wagging his finger like he was speaking to a preschooler "You have to ask Dirty Chicken"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Zim screamed; this was stupid, this was just stup-

"Ooh! Please tell us about the Chicken man, Dirty!" Gir asked excitedly; he was in exactly the age range this sort of game appealed to and was metaphorically eating all of this with a spoon.

"They say Chicken foot is a mass of chickeny evil!" Eric said dramatically as he waved the chicken toy around, using the flickering of the dying light bulb as a strobe light "They say he haunts the Chicky Licky chain to avenge the fallen chickens that fuel it! Oooo!"

Zim jumped up and snatched the chicken toy out of his hand "Stop messing around and tell us where to find him, so my brother can see him and I can go home!" he tossed the toy over to Gir "And fix that light"

"Alright, don't hurt me, kid!" Eric squeaked "They also say he lives in a condo on 4th street. Oooo!" He was hiding behind a stack of boxes and waving an actual chicken in lieu of the one Zim had taken. Gross.

Zim grabbed Gir's hand and marched him out of the fridge, grumbling in annoyance that he had to make another stop and wondering how this place ever passed the health inspection.

* * *

"Is Chickenfoot's name on there?" Gir asked as he and Zim stood in front of the residents directory board of the apartment building.

"No, Gir. Chickenfoot's a person in a costume, the apartment would have the person's name on it" Still, saying that didn't help when neither of them had any idea which name it was. The face in the costume's beak looked male, but with residents being identified by surname and first initial, he couldn't narrow it down by eliminating the apartments with female names attached to them. He supposed he could ring up apartments until he found the right one, the building was only a few stories high, but at the moment the only hint was that it wasn't the Smacky residence (Though he _would_ have to keep in mind that he now knew where Torque lived)

His musings were cut off as one of the residents came home, a man in a trench coat who seemed to be going through a lot of trouble to conceal his neck; no sign of a chicken suit, but at least they could follow him in. However, the man was sent into a fit of panic upon seeing the two children slip through the open door behind him. He dashed to the elevator and rapidly pressed the button over and over until it came and he scrambled inside, frantically screaming for them to stay away from his 'Lucky neck meats'.

Zim really wanted to go home.

For the better part of the next half hour the two children wandered through the building trying to find Chickenfoot's apartment, eliminating any doors that were nicely decorated; odds were somebody who spent enough time wandering around a fast food place in a filthy chicken suit to become a cryptid wouldn't have the best taste in decor. Besides that Zim stuck an insulting note to Torque's door, that would teach him to watch where he was going and not bump into Zim!

After another encounter with the 'neck meats man', who appeared to be afraid of children, the two of them saw one door that seemed to be a good candidate: feathers and bits of straw littered the space in front, and there was an unpleasant smell that managed to escape through the door. Gir had no qualms with walking up to the door and knocking on it, it seemed to open on it's own, while Zim had to fight almost every instinct he had just to follow Gir in.

The inside of the apartment was even worse. The already filthy floor was littered with straw and spoiled food. The ceiling seemed to have been corroded, leaving a series of exposed rusty pipes, assuming there had ever been a ceiling in the first place. All of the furniture seemed to have been replaced with straw piles and wooden crates, making the apartment feel like a giant chicken coop.

It smelled like one too, the scent of rotting food was overpowered by the stink of the washroom, which seemed like it hadn't been cleaned in weeks (or at least Zim sincerely hoped the smell was coming from the washroom). And the entire condominium was bathed in the eerie glow of dying florescent lights. Zim adjusted his grip on Gir's harness, reducing the amount of slack to keep him from wandering around and touching anything.

"It's just like the pigeon dream!" Gir exclaimed, prompting Zim to look deeply perturbed "Gir, what did I tell you about mentioning the pigeon dream?"

"To not to" Gir answered before a blur of motion in the corner of their eyes caught the attention of both boys. Gir gasped excitedly and toddled as close as he could "Chicken man!"

"No, don't come any closer! Don't even look at me!" a voice called from the far end of the room. What first appeared to be a light grey mound of feathers rose to reveal a man in a filthy plush chicken suit, cradling several toy chickens in his wings like they were his chicks: Chickenfoot.

While Gir was excitedly chattering away and asking questions, Zim noticed something shining on one of the few remaining shelves, it looked like a name tag, in the same style as the other Chicky Licky employees.

"Chewie?"

Chickfoot nodded "Rodriguez. Chewie Rodriguez is....was my name"

"You're Chewie Chicken Man?" Gir asked giggling innocently, causing Chewie to shake his head and gaze pensively at the toys.

"I wasn't always like this" Chewie began sadly "I was once an ordinary man, with ordinary dreams, I had loved ones, and hands" he said wistfully "Until one fateful day, about three weeks ago when it was all taken from me"

The incident happened on a day, and break time, like any other: Eric was happily eating leftover french fries, heedless of Maria's warning him that the potatoes were soggy and disgusting from being pre-rinsed in the sink. Eric was well aware of this, he just happened to like the way the fruity taste of the dish soap mixed with them.

Meanwhile Chewie, clad in the Mr Chicky Licky suit, had been heating up macaroni salad in the microwave. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to remove the aluminum foil from the bowl, causing it to spark uncontrollably once the machine was switched on and resulting in a small explosion.

"The accident had created an unnatural fusion of human and chicken, too much of both to be either. Growing more grotesque and repulsive with each passing day" Chewie finished.

Zim looked on in abject horror: this man had been wearing the chicken suit for three weeks! That meant he hadn't bathed in that long, or if he did it had just made the suit damp and even more hospitable for mold and bacteria. Just thinking about it made him want to....make little....sick noises

"I know, young man. Mine is a foul, fowl fate" Chewie sighed "It's gotten so bad I can't even leave the apartment anymore, and I'll never get the Dirty Chicken toy. The chicken toys are my only friends now, but Dirty will always be missing and my little chicken family will remain incomplete"

Zim didn't register Chewie's sentiment, nor his unintended pun. He was still preoccupied trying to cope with the implications of the last thing the man had said. If the suit didn't come off, what happened when he had to- **NO!** Bad brain! Don't you dare think about it! That goes for you too eyes, don't look at the lower half of the suit!

It was official, Zim desperately wanted to go home.

Meanwhile, Gir felt a tug of sympathy; maybe being a chicken man wasn't as much fun as he thought, this one seemed so sad. Then he realised there was one thing he could do to help, the chicken man said he was missing the toy he had. He took the toy out of his backpack and held it out for Chewie.

"It's OK Mr. Chicken Man, we'll help you"

Chewie's eyes glistened with happy tears as scooped the toy up with his wings and cradled it close to his chest "Thank you" The whole scene would have been quite touching if the environment weren't so utterly disgusting, and Zim was screaming internally that Gir had volunteered them both to spend more time around this man when he just wanted to go home and take a shower.

* * *

Zim scowled as he watched the stupidity unfolding in front of him; they had taken Chewie to the hospital to have the suit removed, and the doctor was currently trying to explain the x-rays to him.

"Alright, let's go over this again: this is a picture of a chicken's skeleton" the doctor said, pointing to the first of three pictures "And this is a picture of a human's" she switched from the second to the third "Finally, this is the x-ray we just took of you; as you can see you have a fully human skeleton, surrounded by a human body, and that's surrounded by the chicken suit"

"No, you're just taunting me!" Chewie cried "There's no cure!"

Well, it was true that there was no cure for stupidity.

"It shouldn't be too hard to unzip the back" the doctor said with the sort of calm that came from years of seeing the insane things people did to land themselves in emerge as she reached for the zipper "Worst case scenario we can just cut it off"

"You can't! My blood and organs will spill out!" Chewie screamed frantically, burying his face in the gurney. Why would he expose the zipper if he was so afraid of it being pulled down?

"They'll have the rest of your body around them, you'll be fine" the doctor assured; it was close to the end of her shift, nothing mattered anymore. Unfortunately, this did nothing to reassure Chewie, who frantically scrambled off the gurney and into the hall.

Words could not describe how much Zim wanted to go home.

"Come on!" Gir urged, tugging on Zim's tunic "We gotta catch Mr Chicken Man!"

"Eh, if we wait, the security team will grab him" Zim said, looking on with tired indifference; honestly he was relieved to be away from Chewie's revolting smell.

"No! We promised!" Gir insisted before grabbing Zim's hand and taking off after Chewie. It didn't take long for them to catch up with the man as the oversized chicken feet made it difficult to run, causing him to stumble down the hall. Chewie's co-ordination suffered even more upon spotting the doctor following after him, by the time he took refuge in the first vacant room he could find he had nearly run into several gurneys and wheelchairs.

No sooner had he closed the door behind himself than he realised that the door had no lock: he wouldn't be safe in there for long without a way to keep everyone out. In the heat of the moment he decided to simply lean against the door and hope it would be enough. The pounding on the other side that followed seconds later told him he'd made the right choice as voices started shouting from the other side to open the door.

"Please open the door!" Gir's voice piped up through the noise of people urging him to let them, using everything from logic to threats to pleading to let them go home and sleep "We just wanna help you!"

"I can't! You can't! Nothing can lift the curse!" Chewie cried frantically.

"For crying out-! You're not cursed! You're just stupid!" Zim shouted, kicking the door.

Chewie had never been particularly strong, in fact he was quite scrawny, and the chicken suit didn't even come close to heavy enough to keep out the crowd of people that had started to accumulate at the door. After a minute or so it was forced open and Chewie was knocked forward. However his fall was slowed by the oversized zipper pull having caught on the handle when he leaned into it, which also pulled the zipper down as everyone piled into the room.

A moment later Chewie realised that the suit was gone as he righted himself. "I'm free! I'm finally free!" He cheered, once again crying tears of joy "Thank you! Childr-"

However, when he turned around the two had vanished without a trace, apart from the echo of Gir's cheering which could be heard as he traveled down the hallway.

As soon as the suit came off, Zim had scooped Gir up and dashed out of the room, barreling down the hall towards the exit before he experienced anything he didn't want to. Zim drew the line at watching a man in his underwear who hadn't bathed in weeks stumble out of the only thing keeping the horrible smell contained.

It wasn't until he was out the door and well away from the hospital that he finally allowed himself a moment to rest and enjoy the scent of relatively clean air.

* * *

A few hours later, a man stood nervously in front of the Chicky Licky, fidgeting with his new t-shirt and jeans. They had been given to him after his mandatory decontamination at the hospital, along with the news that the thoroughly stained tank top and boxer shorts he had been wearing had been deemed a biohazard and burnt. It was just as well, he was leaving that part of his life behind him, but this place still had something he wanted to return to...At least, if they would still have him.

He slowly walked through the door, then through the dining area, it had been so long since he had been there as just another person. Just a few steps more, he took a deep breath as he approached the counter.

"Hello, welcome to Chicky Licky, can I take your order?" The cashier said, not even giving any thought to the words, she had said them so many times before. It wasn't until she took a good look at the man in front of her that she realised who it was and quietly gasped "Chewie!"

"Hello, I'm looking for a job, do you have an opening?"

Now Eric was at the counter too "Of course we do!" He cried happily as he pulled Chewie and Maria into a group hug: Their odd little fast food family was finally together again.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim had just finished a happy reunion of his own as he left the bathroom, hair still damp from the long shower he'd just enjoyed, and wearing his favourite set of pajamas (perhaps a bit earlier than he'd normally wear them, but he had no intention of leaving the house and its' well filtered air again today).

Finally considering himself clean enough, he made his way downstairs to get dinner, only to notice something that put a damper on his good mood.

Gir had run off as soon as Zim deemed him clean enough to do so, apparently he had spent the time between then and now creating a series of crayon drawings chronicling the day's events. As evidenced by the new pictures on the fridge, all affixed at 'Gir-stuck-them-on-himself' height. Zim glared at the scribbles as he retrieved his and Gir's dinner, as if he could set them on fire just by looking at them.

Actually, setting them on fire seemed like a good idea, he mused as he carried the plates into the living room; today had been horrible, and Zim desperately wanted to forget it, getting rid of the overly bright coloured reminders seemed a good place to start.

"Hello big brother!" Gir chirped from his spot on the floor, surrounded by more drawings "Didju have fun?"

Zim stared at Gir awkwardly for a moment "I suppose...." he was glad to be clean again, but 'fun' wasn't the word he'd use.

"Didju see the pictures?" Gir asked as he climbed onto the sofa and took his plate.

"I saw them" Zim sighed, Gir completely ignored the irritation in his voice and scooted closer to him.

"Didju like em?" Part of Zim wanted to voice his disdain for both the drawings and the events depicted on them, but any attempt to do so was cut off by Gir "I had lotsa fun today" Gir smiled "We don't gets to do fun stuff outside a lot when there's school, so it was really special" he leaned a little to the side, cuddling against his big brother "Thank you for taking me"

Zim sighed. Fine! You win universe! He'd spare the pictures. "I'm glad you had fun, Gir" he said, his semi-forced smile hiding his frustration with the injustice that the unwelcome mementos would be left alone; no fair using Gir against him "But next time I get to choose what we do"

Gir's smile grew even brighter as he and Zim settled in to have dinner "Okey Dokey"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before the start of the notes proper, we have a preview of one more holiday connected chapter
> 
> It was a little funny, in a way; Zim, like all but a select few of his classmates, had never shown any interest in romance, yet still seemed to despise valentine's and had referred to it as a 'bitter day'. Then again, holidays aimed at lovers were by no means exclusive to Earth, and Dib had seen plenty of people claim to be 'happily single' only to grow resentful when faced with a holiday that emphasised it. Not to mention romantic unpopularity was the least of the boy's problems, not that the last point necessarily meant anything given Zim's skewed priorities.
> 
> Then Dib saw the banner and everything suddenly made sense
> 
> The warm reds and pinks of the banner and soft, rounded text that read 'Happy Valentine's Day' were meant to evoke images of innocent puppy love, but contrasted jarringly with the drawings of heart-shaped steaks they shared the space with. Zim's sour mood had nothing to do with the holiday itself, but the abundance of meat products that came with it.
> 
> * * *
> 
> So this is one of the episodes I didn't see the first time I was into the series and had only seen a few times when I started writing (I was sure the hopeless looking woman was in the original episode), and one thing that stood out to me was the episode had a particularly creepy feeling to it, there's something about it that just seems really ominous. I also had to go through the story and adjust the restraunt worker's names twice, first I wasn't sure how Chewie's name was supposed to be spellt because I saw two different ones, and than I forgot the manager had a name and had to change it from the one I gave him (Dan)
> 
> One thing I realised when I was writing this chapter is Zim's actually fairly open to the unproven, we see it more in the comics: his plan in the first story involves tracking down a device that might not even exist, the very next story he tries summoning a legendary creature, even in the show supernatural elements like zombies are brought up and he at least considers their existance a possibility. Hence him being open to cryptids existing even if it's from a "Can I use this?" point of view; we probably won't see the Swollen Eyeball Network, but it's up to you to decide whether that's because he never found them or if "Agent Space Bug" was kicked out for...disagreements ages ago.
> 
> As always thank you for reading, and I'm looking forward to your comments (-^.^-)


	13. On The Importance of Stargzing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been an interesting time; originally it was going to be chapter 9, but it felt like it fit better as a summer chapter (and it's just as well that it was moved, the spring would have been way too long otherwise), then one of the parts I had written when I started needed tweeking and Dib of all characters wasn't co-operating, but I've finally gotten it to a place I'm happy with.
> 
> The past couple of weeks have been a little stressful; we're moving out of the house I've spent most of my life in (actually we moved there around the time the show first aired), though I'm going to be doing a paid video project in a few weeks, so I'm excited about that.

People often associate growing up with setting aside things you loved as a child, whether due to external pressure to pursue more 'mature' interests, or finding you had outgrown something that no longer brought you the joy it once did. But in some cases growing up makes something more enjoyable as you learn to appreciate intricacies you hadn't noticed when you were younger, or gained the ability to go from dreaming about something to actually doing it.

Dib was experiencing this as he watched the sky through his telescope; he used to do the same as a child, looking at the stars and dreaming of what might be out there, waiting for him to find it. And now he had actually found it! So no matter how much Gaz stoically teased him about 'looking back', he still enjoyed star gazing, especially now that he had a brand new sky to discover. His home telescope was powerful enough to see beyond the light pollution and deep into space, and he fully intended to spend the evening trying to find constellations, and tracking celestial bodies.

Until the sky turned to static.

Dib fiddled around with the controls, but nothing seemed to work, the sky still looked like a static-y television screen....Oh no.

"Gaz! I need you to check the telescope!" Dib called frantically as he ran down the stairs and prepared to leave.

"How urgent is it?" Gaz asked from her spot on the sofa.

"Possibly the end of life on this planet" Dib answered gravely "I'm going to check with another one just to be sure, but we might have to take off quickly"

* * *

Dib stood in front of the familiar front door of the neighbouring house and took a deep breath; he knew what needed to be done, and that it needed to be done urgently. He needed to make sure what he saw wasn't just a fault in his telescope, and the only one he knew of that was powerful enough belonged to Zim. At the same time, he knew all too well that if his suspicions were correct, Zim would not take it well and he'd have to be very careful in how he handled this.

What was he doing!? This was a potentially world ending crisis, there wasn't any time to waste worrying. He quickly pressed the doorbell and Zim answered a few seconds later "Hello Dib" he said in a tone of voice that denoted he was in one of his 'difficult moods'. Great.

"Zim, I need to use your telescope, it's urgent!"

"Use _my_ telescope?" he asked "What's wrong with your telescope?"

The incoming message notice chimed on Dib's tablet. "Apparently nothing is" he answered as he held the screen up for the boy to read, receiving a stubborn frown in return.

"Dib, I have had a long and frustrating day" Zim stated in his 'miniature adult' voice "Gir tried doing the volcano experiment in the kitchen today, **_the volcano experiment!_**" and there went the maturity "So I'm not in the mood to do any favours right now, good night"

The Vortian fought back a sigh of frustration "Zim please, you don't understand; your world is in serious danger!"

Zim nodded smugly in agreement, having once again completely switched gears "Yes. Yes it is" Dib's hand rose to offer his head some much needed support, of course the little megalomaniac would assume he was talking about him.

"I don't mean it like that, Zim! The Earth has been stolen!"

This seemed to take Zim off guard "Stolen?" he repeated, as quietly as he typically was able to, before snapping back to normal "Stolen by who!? Tell me!"

"By the Planet Jackers" Dib looked over his shoulder and saw the ship floating in the driveway "Gaz is here, we're going to try and get it back"

"Not without me and Gir, you're not!" Zim interjected

Dib looked conflicted for a moment before relenting "Fine, it's probably safer than staying here" he said "Just hurry! I don't know how much time we have!"

A few minutes later all four of them were safely on the ship, through the exit in the false sky, and on their way.

* * *

Dib sighed as they sailed through space, their excursion had barely begun and he was already pessimistic about their chances; in the surrounding seats Gaz was busily working away as she always did, completely unfazed by the countless lives at stake. Meanwhile, Gir had slipped out of his seat and decided to take a nap on the floor, sleeping through the crisis in the way only small children could. And then there was Zim who was already spoiling for a fight despite having no idea what he would be up against and being told to leave this to the adults who had grown up in space.

"Zim, let me do the talking when we get there" Dib instructed, cutting off the boy's tyrade.

Zim sulked "You already told me that twice and you still haven't explained anything to me"

"Because you're already in a bad mood and I don't need you jumping in and picking a fight with the Planet Jackers" Dib explained "You have no idea what we're dealing with"

"That's because neither of you will tell me anything!" Zim shouted, pounding his fists on the dashboard "You haven't even told me what these 'planet jackers' are!" The Vortian looked over and saw Zim was visibly upset, it was understandable; Dib was tense and it wasn't even his home planet in jeopardy. He could only imagine how stressful this must be for Zim without having being kept in the dark piled on top of it.

"Fair enough I'll tell you about them" Dib said "The Planet Jackers are just that, they're a people who steal planets, nobody knows what they were originally called, or what they did before" he explained "What we do know is they developed interstellar travel out of necessity; their planet orbits a dying star, so they travel the cosmos, stealing other planets to throw into it-"

"THAT'S STUPID!" Zim interjected "Stars don't work like that!"

"I know, Zim" Dib sighed, massaging his temples.

"And if they can tow planets, why don't they just tow their own planet to a new star!?"

"Because they're idiots, Zim"

"And why doesn't anyone stop them!?"

"Because everyone's afraid to mess with a group that can steal a planet; their understanding of astrophysics and even their basic reasoning skills suck, but they're still able to get away with it and that scares people" Dib explained with frustration, he understood how Zim felt and had reacted in a similar way as a child. "Even the Irkens just make treaties to protect the planets they feel are important, because nobody wants to risk their home planet being stolen in retaliation"

"You just said they're stupid, they might not even think of stealing it!"

"Would you want to take that risk?"

"We could just collapse the star into a white dwarf, then they'll have to move and they won't be able to burn any other planets in it" Zim offered

Dib took a deep breath, then let it go, something he had been doing a lot this evening, "Zim, that would be really inappropriate"

"And using planets as kindling isn't?"

Dib gave another sigh, Zim had a point. While part of him wanted to argue that he didn't understand, the fact was he understood perfectly; he just lacked the learnt helplessness Dib and countless others had. Everyone together could probably force the Planet Jackers to stop, even just a few of the right planets could; but everyone was afraid of either losing something they cared about, doing something inappropriate, or both. And who knew how many had paid the price as a result?

Either way, he was spared having to answer as the ship pulled up in front of the Planet Jackers'

* * *

This particular Planet Jacker ship was piloted by a team of two on their first assignment together, the smaller of the pair commented on the different space anomalies while his much larger partner sat in silence. Neither were particularly passionate about their work, but it had to be done, at least the smaller enjoyed driving through space and chose to focus on that and make the best of things.

The larger, on the other hand, had wanted to become an architect and was embittered by the job no longer being an option, which made listening to his tiny colleague's enthusiastic prattling unbearably annoying. After spending the better part of a week searching, he was ready to knock the guy out so he could brood in silence, when a ship pulled in front of his and opened communication lines.

"Hello" the awkward young Vortian man piloting began "I noticed you stole the planet I had been studying, and I really need it back. So could you maybe give it to us?" Gaz was giving him a discouraged look, thanks a heap.

"How about you study a different one instead?" The smaller Planet Jacker suggested, managing to sound more experienced than he actually was.

"It doesn't work like that" Dib explained while trying to remain diplomatic "That planet has unique life forms: plants, animals"

"We know about critters" the larger answered "Critters burn good"

Dib looked disturbed for a moment before continuing his efforts "What about the Vortian-Planet Jacker treaty? If a planet's deemed to be scientifically significant, it qualifies for protection"

"Well let's see" the smaller replied "Which research agency are you affiliated with?"

Dib deflated slightly "I'm....an independent researcher" he knew full well he held no clout as far as the treaty went "But my Dad's the head of Membrane labs, just let me call him and I'll get him to do it" his expression dropped as he noticed one particular symbol in the corner "No service!?"

"Sometimes the interference from the sky screens in the planet case does that, that's why we use our own frequency network" the smaller shrugged "Tough breaks, kid"

Oh-no-no-no-no.

**"HEY!"**

Dib went pale as he saw Zim climb onto the dashboard, clearly ready to start a fight with the Planet Jackers. True, it was buying them more time, but was likely going to do so at the cost of any goodwill the drivers might have held towards them.

"Who are you supposed to be?" The smaller Planet Jacker asked, unaware of the can of worms he just opened by doing so.

"I'm the future ruler of the planet you're towing!" Zim shouted back, Dib buried as much of his face as would fit in his hands.

"Your parents are royalty?" The Jacker asked, slightly confused.

"They're the two greatest scientists on the planet" Zim answered proudly.

"Hey, it's not the worst way of choosing leadership" the Jacker shrugged as he attempted to steer away, only to be cut off by Zim

"That's _my_ planet! Not yours' MINE! Give it back, **_NOW!_**" Zim shouted, punctuating each sentence with a blow to the dashboard "I'm warning you, I just spent an hour cleaning baking soda volcano off the kitchen!"

"Look tiny, I've got my instructions to deliver this thing, so how about you just go rule a different one?" And with that the ship started driving away.

"That's it. Warm up the weapon systems, Dib, we're destroying their star" Zim fumed.

"Zim, no!" Dib objected "For one thing, this is my personal science ship; we don't even have any weapons that powerful!"

"Not on hand, anyway" Gaz added, eyes still squinting at her screen.

Dib filed that comment under things he probably should ask about, but was slightly afraid to, before continuing "And I already said we weren't going to do that!"

"Then what _do_ you suggest we do?" Zim retorted "We're losing the planet, Dib!"

"We steal it back" Gaz interjected with her usual steely tone as she set her tablet aside "The ship's powerful enough to tow it; if we cut the line we can just drag it back in place". Before Dib could give his thoughts on the matter he was cut off.

"I volunteer as a diversion! Zim shall fight the planet thief!" the boy shouted, already wearing a spacesuit, before letting himself out of the ship. Dib hurried to put his own space suit on and follow after, not even bothering to waste time pointing out Gaz never said anything about needing a diversion in the first place; he needed to catch up to Zim before he put himself in danger....again.

* * *

In the time it took Dib to slip his suit on and exit the ship, Zim had already shimmied halfway across the tow line, as soon as he made it onto the opposing ship he secured himself and started pounding on the roof to get the driver's attention.

"Zim! Stop that!" Dib hissed in a harsh whisper.

"No" Zim shot back.

"Seriously, Zim! We don't need a distraction!" Dib looked around nervously "Get back here before you're noticed!"

"Not this again, Dib!" Zim groaned in annoyance, still pounding on the ship "Everyone else might be scared of getting the Planet Jackers mad, but I'm not! And even if I were, what are they going to do? They already have my planet!"

Dib sighed "This isn't about that! Did you even notice the big, bulky guy?" Any answer he may have gotten was cut off as the big, bulky guy in question came storming onto the top of the ship to investigate the source of the noise, the key to the planet case hanging around his neck. He roared intimidatingly and a look of horror crept across Dib's face, not from fear of the larger alien, but from Zim's expression broadcasting that he was about to make an impulsive, bad decision.

Zim flashed the sort of grin that comes with a surplus of confidence eclipsing a deficit of common sense "Alright then"

While Dib hurried to cross the tow line and rescue Zim, the child was doing a surprisingly good job holding his own against his opponent. While he was only the size of the towering alien's fist, this made him far more agile and allowed him to easily dodge his attacks. The Planet Jacker's size, combined with the thick armour he wore blocked most of the force of Zim's blows, but his at least were landing.

Then the boy managed a lucky strike at the alien's knees. "That my bad leg!" the Planet Jacker exclaimed as he dropped, Zim quickly took advantage of the opening to climb onto him and try to grab the key before a massive hand came and knocked him to the ground.

"No more Mr. Nice Oog. I pummel you good!" The Planet Jacker roared as he raised his fist.

However, he hadn't accounted for one important thing: mammalian protective instincts. Specifically, he hadn't accounted for Dib, upon seeing a child he considered himself responsible for in danger, reflexively reacting the way his people had since ancient times.

Charging at the threat, horns first, and headbutting it in the solar plexus.

Unfortunately, this wasn't an ancient Vortian who had spent his life surviving off his wits, strength and instincts. This was Dib: a modern Vortian who, while in decent shape, still paled in comparison to his distant ancestors and was inexperienced in how to properly ram. Thus, the Planet Jacker fell backwards as the wind was knocked out of him, while Dib was left seeing spots from the impact (possibly stars too, it was difficult to tell in space).

"Zim, get in the ship" Dib muttered as he rubbed and blinked away the headache.

"But-"

"Zim! In the ship! _Now!_" Evidently you didn't need to actually be a parent to use the 'daddy voice' as this got Zim to scramble into the ship as it came around.

Dib shrank back as the Planet Jacker started rising to his feet, however instead of being pounded by a giant fist, he felt himself being pulled back and into the ship. He couldn't be sure who was responsible for the rescue, however, as the sudden pull of artificial gravity dropping him on the floor combined with the lingering side effects of the earlier headbutting left him disoriented for a minute.

"You two just _had_ to make this difficult, didn't you?" Gaz coldly chided as the four of them watched Planet Jacker return to his ship, satisfied that he had done his job and unaware that the Earth was being stolen back. Once he was out of sight, Gaz cut the tow line and began flying them home. "Too bad we couldn't get the key, picking the lock is going to be a pain"

"We got it though!" Gir piped up as he showed off the key hanging around his neck "Ta-da!" How had he gotten the key? Nobody had seen him go anywhere near it "It's shiny, I wanted it" Gir stated as if this explained everything, if Zim's reaction to this was anything to go by, it did. The two Vortians still didn't quite understand, but wordlessly decided they were better off not knowing; the depths of a preschooler's brain were, more often than not, better left unplumbed

* * *

The rest of the trip went by uneventfully as everyone sat in relative silence while they waited for the adrenaline rush to wear off, the one exception being Gir who easily fell back asleep. While the ship was powerful enough to tow the planet, it wasn't really made for it, resulting in the trip back being much longer than the trip out; roughly an hour to tow the planet back in place and getting it moving again.

By the time they landed Dib was more than ready to go to bed, the planet case still had it's settings on Earth's sky, they had time to figure out what to do with it. As he started crossing the lawn he noticed Zim had been uncharacteristically quiet and looked considerably less happy than you would expect from someone who's planet had just been saved. He stood sullenly outside the ship with his arms crossed, sulking like a younger child in a timeout, and with Gir asleep on his back.

"I could have taken him" Zim huffed, the first thing he had said the entire return trip.

Dib wisely held back on pointing out that Zim had come dangerously close to being beaten to a pulp by an alien several times his size. "Hey, at least we got the Earth back, that's what matters" Dib offered with an uneasy smile "Sometimes the goal's more important than the path you take there. And we just saved a planet!"

"And being recognised for it would mean exposing you" Zim stated, his voice lacked it's usual fire "How are people supposed to worship and adore me for saving the Earth if they don't even know?" Dib bit his lip, something about Zim's posture and tone told him there was more to this than being denied an ego trip, but he wasn't ready to talk about it just yet.

"We did the right thing, though" Dib said in hopes he could offer some consolation "Think about it: every time you watch your favourite show, or take Gir to the park, or see someone who's having a good day, you'll know you helped make that happen" Zim's expression told him that his argument didn't make up for being denied both planetwide glory _and_ getting to fire space weapons.

Dib sighed as he brought himself to the boy's eye level "Look Zim, I know you're frustrated; when I was your stage I wanted the world to admire me too, to be a hero" Looking back Dib wondered if he really had wanted that, or if he'd just wanted attention, but now wasn't the time for that "I know it seems like I'm just trying to make you feel better, but sometimes knowing that you did good is rewarding too"

Zim stood in silence, it was difficult to tell from his expression whether Dib's words had made an impact or not, but he seemed to be thinking something over. After a minute of quiet contemplation he finally spoke "Did we? Destroying the star would have solved the real problem"

Dib wasn't sure whether to count this as a step in the right direction or not, it was one of those situations where both answers felt wrong in some way. Destroying the star would certainly put an end to the planet jacking, and it's not as if the Planet Jackers themselves wouldn't be able to survive. But at the same time, collapsing a star with occupied planets orbiting it was a little....

His thoughts were interrupted as he noticed Gaz had joined them "He does have a point Dib, sure we saved the Earth, but they're just going to steal another planet" Gaz said with an unreadable tone in her voice "You can't protect everyone by just messing around with individual cases and never addressing the real problem"

Gaz did not dispense pearls of wisdom as much as the grain of sand at the core; it was rough, uncomfortable, and ultimately up to the recipient to make something valuable out of it.

"But what can _we_ do?" Dib asked, more out of reflex than anything; internally he was berating himself for sounding so wishy washy about it, and part of him envied Gaz & Zim's disregard for rules and consequences.

"You could probably organise a protest, isn't that what people like you usually do?" Gaz replied before straightening her posture "In the meantime, I'm going to do this _my_ way" she held her hand out "The key"

"The key? You're going to tow their planet" a look of realisation spread across Dib's face "You're going to take them on alone!?"

"No" Gaz scoffed, "In case you've forgotten, I have the Arcadikon defense force on my side" And with that she was off.

"Arcadikon defense force?" Zim asked. Dib winced, he already knew what was coming "Gaz is the Queen of planet Arcadikon" he sighed.

"Your sister conquered a planet!?" Zim gasped in starry eyed awe. And there it was. Sure, nevermind the guy that headbutted a giant Planet Jacker to save you.

"No, she won it" Dib explained "Arcadikon is just that; the whole planet is a giant arcade, whoever has the most high scores rules the world" Zim seemed to deflate a little, he had probably hoped she could give him advice. "There's a lot of shooting games, so nobody wants to mess with their defense force because they're all really good shots"

"I see" Zim nodded before adjusting his grip on Gir and returning home.

* * *

The next morning Dib found Gaz sitting at the table, sporting her 'I just got back at somebody I don't like' smile. "I'm guessing things went well" Dib said as he started up the toaster.

Gaz grunted in quiet irritation "You're softening my edges, I just spent hours towing a planet and convincing people to like it, instead of telling them they'd have to" She stood and left the room like a traveling stormcloud "I'm going to play something where everything's shootable. Don't interrupt me"

Dib silently wondered when his sister ever slept before he was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of somebody struggling with the mail slot. As he came closer to the front door he could hear familiar noises of frustration and the unmistakable sound of Zim cursing the door. "Do you want me to let you in?" Dib called, only for the sounds to stop as soon as he did.

When Dib opened the door he saw a book on Earth zoology had been left on the steps with a slip of paper sticking out. He opened the book to the marked page and saw it was the section on goats, what was more interesting was the note attached:

Hello, Dib

I thought this would interest you, especially the lower half of the right-hand page.

From Zim

Dib looked at the page and saw there was an excerpt on the physics of how goats use their horns to ram and move things without injuring themselves; apparently Zim had appreciated his rescue after all. It was a little ironic that the boy had no problem standing up and speaking in front of an audience, something many people struggled with, yet couldn't bring himself to deliver a simple thank you in person.

Come to think of it, Gaz was the same way; both communicated effortlessly at arm's length, but had trouble having a sincere conversation with people they knew and trusted. In both cases it was rooted in a discomfort with acknowledging their own emotional depths. Dib supposed this was just his lot, being big brother to people wished they could just be annoyed all the time because it was easier than touching feelings they didn't want to.

Still it had been thoughtful of Zim, and he was already taking a step in a healthier direction. He'd have to thank him later, Dib decided, before settling in to spend an afternoon with his gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: One of the Planet Jackers having wanted to be an architect was actually on little online profile cards, a lot of the fandom pages I first found were actually the result of one of my friends reblogging the cards, missing one set, and my exploring the blog that posted them and a few blogs that connected to it. Also Gir falling asleep on the floor was actually in the original episode, it's a wide shot, but if you look closely at the scene when Zim first argues with the Planet Jackers you can see him.
> 
> Gaz being the queen of the arcade planet was a nod to the comics, not everything from the comic series has made it in, but I loved that part and though it would be a good fit
> 
> In other news, we're nearly at 100 comments, I was hoping to have some drawings ready to show off for this update, but hopefully I'll have something ready to celebrate next time. This story has been such a great experience so far, I'd love to do something extra.
> 
> See you soon (^.^)


	14. The Special Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a couple days late, the past few days have been a bit difficult, but at least I was able to post it before class today.
> 
> Also this is the longest chapter so far, a few of the summer chapters have a lot of fun to write childhood antics and for today we have Hobo 13; this means we also have the return of a character we haven't heard from in a little while (no I don't mean Zim's self preservation instincts, it's Skoodge). Editing the chapter was a little strange though since I'm working on another chapter that Red & Purple appear in too, any way it's finally here, enjoy everyone. (^.^)

"Alright everyone, that's enough for today!" Red announced to the gathered members of the cadet group "But before we go, we have a special announcement to make! Can Zim come to the front?"

Everyone standing in front of Zim barely had time to register before he began eagerly pushing his way past them to get to the front, once he reached it he was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet in excitement: this was it!. He'd put in a request a few weeks ago to be given weapons training and now he was finally getting his answer!

"Zim" Red started, ignoring the boy's excited hopping and waving "After going over your file, we've decided..." Here it comes! "You're too untrained for weapons, however" Red added before Zim had the chance to object "In light of your track record, we've decided to send you to a special training camp"

"Hobo 13!" Purple enthusiastically chimed in "The best training camp that doesn't ask questions!"

Red shot his brother an annoyed look as he tried to distract Zim from the unplanned remark "As I was saying, Hobo 13 will test your skills like they've never been tested before. If you pass, you'll be approved for weapons training"

Zim was ecstatic. True, it was a bit inconvenient he had to go through evaluation, but he had no doubt he'd succeed, not to mention the bragging rights he would gain once he did. Everyone else seemed to be just as confident in his success; Purple could barely contain his broad smile as he looked down at him, and behind him people were enthusiastically cheering.

"Oh and take Skoodge with you" Red added "He's been under performing"

* * *

Zim's excitement had only grown in the time between being assigned his special training and actually taking the shuttle bus there, now he was happily humming what was presumably his self-composed personal theme song and looking through the windows as he buzzed about the nearly empty bus.

When Hobo 13 came into view his eyes grew wide, the place looked like a massive death trap. Obstacle courses were patched together with wooden planks hammered in at odd angles, as were the buildings, most of which still had holes in them. The outskirts of the facility had been partially reclaimed by nature, and borderline malfunctioning machinery was sprinkled throughout; even the wooden sign had a few letters that were barely hanging on by a nail or two.

It was even better than he imagined.

Skoodge, on the other hand, was considerably less enthusiastic and desperately wanted to go home, even more so after seeing the dilapidated state of their destination. He didn't even like being in this cadets group, he only joined because he had expected to learn how to defend himself and perhaps some survival skills. He supposed he had gained some of the latter, but after Mr. Spork's time it was less the instruction he had hoped for and more of a trial by fire as he was regularly thrown into dangerous situations and left to scramble out of them.

Zim was the only reason he stayed, partially because Skoodge was the only one who had taken the first aid training being offered, but mostly because he felt needed. He knew what the rest of the group thought of Zim and that their opinion of him wasn't much better, regarding Skoodge as a killjoy whenever he attempted to act as the group's moral compass.

He didn't care, he knew those guys were jerks, so what did their scorn matter to Skoodge? Zim, on the other hand, was convinced he was a pillar of the team and adored by all; it was a delusion created out of the boy's desperate need for affection. Skoodge knew it was only a matter of time until something happened that Zim couldn't ignore and shattered it, and when it did he would be right there to help pick up the pieces. In the meantime he would offer the support he could, like how last spring he'd lied about being busy during the trip so Zim would have someone to babysit Gir during the trip.

It was ironic in a way, anyone who looked at them would assume Zim to be the more resilient of the two and Skoodge to be the more unsure and vulnerable, but in some ways it was the opposite. Skoodge tended to underestimate himself, it was true, but he knew for certain what he was good at and focused on cultivating those skills; he just needed a little coaxing into the unfamiliar. While Zim insisted he could do it all and pushed himself to prove it, both to others and himself, if he couldn't he'd either wave the task off as unimportant or rework the goal into matching the result to avoid feeling like he'd failed.

The larger boy's thoughts were interrupted as the bus came to a stop, and Zim all but dragged him off it.

* * *

Meanwhile, the rest of the group had gathered at Red & Purple's house: today was the day they would finally be rid of Zim (and to a lesser degree Skoodge), they were certain of it, so certain they were having a party to celebrate.

Everyone had piled into their lounge and were playing games, drinking soda and eating snacks while they waited for the main event to start; the twins had been able to get Hobo 13's surveillance cameras connected to the TV set, whatever happened to Zim they would get to see in real time and on a large screen TV.

The room went quiet as Red & Purple made their entrance: crimson lasers shone, lavender fog rolled across the floor, and the twins smiled, waved & posed their way to the space in front of the television. Perhaps it looked a little ridiculous to put on a big show like this in the middle of their own living room, but if there was one thing they were good at, it was getting people excited enough not to care.

"Welcome soldiers, to a special event that's been a long time coming" Red greeted "The day we finally rid ourselves of Zim's ruining everything. It wasn't easy, bu-"

"Yeah! It took us hours to find a place that didn't ask how old he was!" Purple interjected.

Red glared at his brother, there was a good reason he was supposed to do all the talking, but quickly brushed off the interruption. "Anyway, to celebrate the occasion, we're going to be watching it live. Following Zim's progress until the moment comes"

Both of them picked up the remote and switched it on "Let the celebration begin!" they said in unison as the screen was filled with the image of Zim and Skoodge amongst a small group of men and women.

* * *

"With my mighty fists of horror and unstoppable cruelty, I am the tool of destruction, vengeance, and fury!"

Sgt. Hobo did not look impressed with Zim's introduction "You were supposed to give me your name, not...that"

"I'm getting there!" Zim huffed "I. AM. **ZIM!**" he grinned smugly "There"

Sgt. Hobo's expression shifted "You're Zim?" The guys he'd spoken to said they were sending a 'problem member' who had been the cause of countless disasters, this guy barely came up to his waist and looked like he was eight years old. "I thought you'd be- nevermind" he brushed the thought aside before turning to Skoodge. "And who are you, soldier?"

"My name is Skoodge, sir!" Skoodge piped up with a reserved yet crisp salute.

"Right, the guy they added at the last minute" Sgt Hobo said as he turned to the next person in line; a man named Throbulator who was prone to migraines and currently powering through one, according to his introduction anyway. By the time the last member had introduced themselves, the sergeant was discouraged to realise one of the two youngest members of the group was the only one to have actually followed his instructions.

As both children watched they realised something more was going on than they had been led to believe; everyone here was much older than they were, and looked like they had more years of training than either of them had been alive. The mechanised safety armour was clearly too big for both of them with the vest piece covering their entire torso; the only reason they stayed on at all was because of Skoodge's wider build and Zim wearing his own vest over his ever-present backpack.

Skoodge had no doubt they'd be needing the first aid kit he'd brought.

Zim had a very different interpretation; nearly everyone else was an adult with years of experience, while he was a child. Clearly an exception was being made for him because of his amazing skills! None of the children's training camps would have been challenging enough, so Red & Purple had pulled some strings to get him into an adult's one. How thoughtful!

Skoodge looked terrified and Zim regarded him with pity; he knew what the rest of the group thought of Skoodge, that his docile temperment made him a liability. He didn't exactly agree with this sentiment, not after seeing his survival skills in action, still he knew this wasn't so much an attempt to improve his performance as the latest effort to scare him into quitting. Skoodge would be fine though, he was better at this than he gave himself credit for, not as good as Zim of course, but still good.

"Your first job is to choose a leader" Sgt Hobo announced "But remember, with power comes responsibility. As leader your choices affect the entire team; you may give the orders, but you also have to deal with the consequences. The rest of you have to follow those orders and trust in your leader, so choose wisely" Zim hadn't registered everything he said, but he'd heard the words he felt were most important and wasted no time in acting on them.

"I nominate me! Zim shall lead!"

Skoodge had seen this coming as soon as the words 'group leader' had been spoken, while all the adults stood in a stunned silence. This child couldn't possibly be serious, could he?

"Uh, I think we should-" one man ventured to speak before being promptly cut off by Zim.

"You dare go against your team leader!?" Zim shouted "Do I need to write you up for insubordination?" He interpreted the man's stunned silence as having been intimidated into backing down and gave a small nod of approval before leading the team on, happily humming his theme music. Sgt Hobo followed alongside, flying with a jetpack built into his own suit and soon they reached the first obstacle; a small ravine with a river of tomato sauce running through it.

"Here's your first challenge" he said sternly "Make it across the ravine without falling in, if you fail your armour will automatically fly you to the holding pen of pain" he seemed to cast his eyes over the group before adding "Teamwork will be the key here, take care of your teammates and they'll take care of you, work together and you'll all make it to the end. Any questions?"

"Why is there tomato sauce at the bottom?" Zim asked.

"Because we couldn't afford real lava" Sgt Hobo replied, sounding slightly discouraged.

Zim looked at the river of sauce appraisingly "What's in it?"

"Classified. That's my family's secret recipe"

Zim looked thoroughly displeased with his answer, he'd never understood why some insisted on keeping these things secret, especially since most of the time the people who did had no intention of using the recipes commercially. Even if they did, they'd have to put the list on the package or something, in the meantime it made finding out if something was safe for him far more inconvenient than it needed to be. Fine, if that's how it was going to be, he just had to make sure he didn't touch it.

"Your leader has a plan!" Zim announced dramatically "All of you will stand on each other's shoulders and fall forward to form a bridge across the ravine" One person suggested using a nearby tree as a bridge instead and was placed on the bottom of the ladder for his troubles, unfortunately this made it difficult to keep the human ladder standing as the base wasn't strong enough to hold several people.

However, after a few minutes of inspecting the armour suits everyone wore, Zim found a solution; each suit was set to augment the wearer's physical strength, normally it was only meant to offset the suit's weight, but you could tamper with the settings and even use connector cables to siphon power from one suit to allow the wearer of one to lift more. It was pure coincidence the guy that objected to Zim being in charge was chosen to donate power, really it was, and simple bad luck that the suit was too heavy for him to walk around in without the compensation.

Either way, soon the adults had formed a bridge the children could walk across, despite their objections; child or no, they took issue with him using them as glorified construction material. It didn't help that Zim's justification for doing so was kept vague by his own stubbornness; had he told them he was worried about the tomato sauce containing something he was allergic to, he probably would have gotten some sympathy, perhaps even told what was in it.

But no. Zim would never admit to such things. And the explanation he did give that 'it would be worse if he fell in than if someone else did' rubbed everyone who didn't know what he meant the wrong way. Skoodge understood, both that and the explanation that he had also been allowed to walk across the bridge with Zim 'so he could throw him to the other side if the bridge fell apart'.

Really. That was all there was to that. Certainly not that he was giving Skoodge special consideration because of an unspoken friendship between them, nor the trust he had for him. No, Skoodge was just the only one he knew the capabilities of.

Soon the two boys had made it across and everyone else had to figure out how to do the same. The first step was made for them as a couple of the people who had been at the bottom of the ladder were no longer able to hold on. Moments before they hit the tomato sauce, their suits flew them to the holding pen while everyone else climbed up the cliff face to the side where the children were waiting.

While Zim considered it a success, Sgt Hobo looked displeased.

* * *

Back at the party, no one was concerned by the two having made it past the first obstacle; they weren't expecting something as minor as that to stop Zim, and what fun would it be if the show were that short? In fact, the attendees were all merrily making bets as to what would happen, clearly having based their expectations on a cartoon show without knowing how graphic the reality could be.

"I bet $30 something falls and crushes him!" Yuli said

"Ok" Purple said as he recorded the bet "How about mauled by wild animals?"

"Ooh! I'll take that one!" Skutch called, brandishing his empty glass before setting it down on a tray "Hey Bob, can you get me a refill?"

"Blue raspberry, right?" Bob said unenthusiastically before the boy nodded affirmative. Bob had been working for Red and Purple's family for years and was part nanny, part Butler for the twins, even though his dwarfism meant they were already noticeably taller than he was.

The second task found the group in front of a sinkhole several feet wide and deep with a wild boar at the bottom, guarding a metal box. As everyone gathered around the edge, Sgt Hobo spoke again.

"Alright you squid knees! See that wild boar down there? Your job is to get the box away from it and bring it up here"

"I'll do it!" Skoodge immediately volunteered; this wasn't the first time he'd dealt with unruly animals, and if they were each going to handle one task, this one was his time to shine. Before anyone had the chance to object, he was already climbing down into the sinkhole. Zim was the only one who didn't seem alarmed by this, standing calmly by and catching the box when it was tossed over.

"Victory!" Zim called triumphantly.

Sgt Hobo was not impressed "What about your teammate, Skoodge?"

"He'll be fine" Zim replied nonchalantly, earning himself a number of unimpressed looks from the rest of the team, which went completely ignored. "You don't know Skoodge like I do, just give him a few minutes and he'll come climbing up, completely unharmed"

The adults weren't convinced and started trying to figure out a way to rescue Skoodge, which promptly dissolved into pointless back and forth without even looking at the sinkhole. In the amount of time the group spent debating, Skoodge could have died several times over; instead the child in question scaled the wall of the sinkhole and walked right past them, completely unnoticed until Zim pointed out that he'd returned safely.

"See? He's fine. Onward!"

Nobody was exactly surprised that Zim had made it through this one either; this task didn't really need the whole team, so odds were that he'd never touch it. Skoodge single handedly besting the wild boar had been unexpected, granted they hadn't seen that he'd just fed it a bag of trail mix and pet it to get to the box; it turned out being raised at the camp had made it quite domesticated.

* * *

The good mood of the party continued as children played party games and hurried to get their bets in before the next challenge. One in particular decided, while hopped up on sugary soda, that it would be a great idea to stand on the edge of a table and demonstrate the latest proposed scenario of how the group would be rid of Zim and Skoodge, only to fall off and have several knick knacks rain down on them, much to the amusement of the others.

For a brief moment a thought occurred to a few of them that perhaps getting rid of the one person in the group with first aid training was a bad idea, however the thought was just as quickly dismissed as they joined in the laughter.

* * *

"Next is the laser maze of pain!" Sgt Hobo announced with his usual shout as he pointed to the white walled labyrinth "Find the exit while dodging the lasers, get hit and you're out"

Zim had remained uncharacteristically quiet during the instructions, the gears in his head already turning as he inspected the structure. "Who can dodge the lasers well enough to get me up there?" He finally said, gesturing to the control tower.

"I can" one member offered; an agile looking woman who towered over Zim in a way that both impressed and irritated him. Sure, he was more than a decade younger than most of the other people here, but that was no excuse for them all to be so much bigger than he was!

Sulking could wait though, for now he attached his harness to her's and held on tightly as she scaled the tower and dodged the lasers. After a few tense minutes of acrobatics they reached the top and the woman deposited Zim on the control station. "Figure out the route through the maze while I work on the lasers" Zim instructed, on the ground everyone looked impressed, perhaps Zim was a good leader after all.

In a few minutes the directions through the maze had been memorised and written down while Zim struggled to disable the lasers; he couldn't shut them down using the console, and the controls and power source were protected to keep him from shutting them off manually Zim growled in frustration as the laser turrets once again refused to shut off.

"Are you finished with the directions?" Zim asked, the woman nodded in reply as she walked over and handed off the sheet she'd written them on "Do you need any help?" she asked. Zim bristled at the suggestion: Zim needs no help! How dare she assume to know better than he did just because he hadn't finished puberty yet...Or started.

"Could you stand over there?" he grinned with his best 'cute little boy' face that got people to ignore that he rushed them when he went trick or treating. The woman, whatever her name was, looked confused but complied and a moment later a camera shutter noise went off. Her confusion grew as the laser turrets turned towards her and fired a shot that she barely managed to dodge in time.

"What's going on!?" she shrieked as she dodged another shot.

"Plan B" Zim explained as he climbed down "I couldn't shut them off, so I got them to only target one member of the team" The woman shouted in frustration after him, but was completely ignored by Zim as they both descended the tower.

"I have the directions!" Zim announced as he began leading the team through the maze, the woman followed behind, her progress slowed by constantly having to out maneuver the lasers.

Eventually the group reached the end of the maze and crossed the finish line; amazingly the woman had made it as well, until a misstep just a few feet away from the goal caused her to trip and fall. A buzzing noise sounded as the laser met its' target on the back of her armour "Curse you Zim!" she shouted as she was whisked away to the holding pen, and Sgt Hobo looked disdainfully at the proudly beaming child.

* * *

As Red and Purple watched Zim celebrate having made it past yet another obstacle, a thought struck them: what happened if Zim actually made it through the whole course? They had been so certain he wouldn't that they'd committed to giving everyone a premium on their bet if nobody won. A moment of eye contact between the two was all they needed to communicate that they'd both come to the same realisation and had the same plan to get out of it; they needed a counter bet, one by somebody they had influence over.

"Any bets for Zim succeeding?" Purple called, which elicited a round of laughter from the other children who hadn't realised yet how likely an outcome this was.

"You!" Red shouted, pointing at Bob "You just bet $500 on Zim succeeding"

"I don't really want to get involved in this" Bob said flatly, but was completely ignored as his 'bet' was recorded.

Bob sighed. He knew it wasn't so very long ago that the only career path open to him would have been as a living novelty, being an attraction in a carnival sideshow or parading on stage dressed in children's clothing, perhaps getting to play a member of a fantasy people if he was lucky. He knew that being in this job was supposed to be a sign of progress towards improvement and everything.

But in all honesty, on days like this one the sideshow sounded pretty good.

* * *

"Next used to be the water track, until those things showed up" the sergeant said, gesturing to strange creatures that looked like darker, grittier piranha plants "Now you have to walk along the non-swimmers path from this end to the far end without one hitting your buzzer"

The only one who didn't view this development as the task becoming inherently worse was Zim; there was a very good chance the water was too dirty for him to safely traverse, even without the allergies, so the goal no longer involving touching it was welcome. He could do stealthy if need be, no matter what some might assume of his tendency to scream; he'd be fine as long as nobody tested his patience. "You!" Zim hissed to the burliest member of the group "You look strong, I need you to-"

"I don't think so" the member in question replied "Every time somebody follows your orders they get eliminated, you're on your own tiny" a few other members left Zim's side in favour of their new leader.

"Get back here!" Zim seethed, struggling to stay quiet enough to avoid drawing the attention of the plant creatures "I'm warning you! This is insubordination! Obey your leader!" the deserters didn't so much as glance back. That did it.

Zim quickly picked up a small rock and threw it at the wayward team who flinched at the sound of it knocking against the canyon wall. For a moment it seemed not to have drawn any attention and the three had to resist the urge to push their luck by allowing themselves a sigh of relief. Relief that was short lived however, as a few seconds later the creatures descended upon them; though they were able to hold their own against them, the impact caused the buzzers to go off.

As the three were flown away the attacking plants were shaken off and rained down upon the remaining ones, knocking out several more, while the rest ran to safety

"Well!? Hurry while they're distracted!" Zim ordered as he led his remaining teammates through.

* * *

The rest of the challenges were more of the same: rickety wood structures that many of the adults had to worry about putting their feet through, people being tackled by animals in the overgrown sections, suspension bridges people fell off of (only one because Zim had steadied himself on them), people falling during the rock climbing section. They'd always lose a team member or two, but Zim & Skoodge were never among them and made it through every single one.

Meanwhile, Bob was enthusiastically cheering them on. It wasn't just about the money he'd win; after years of putting up with this ridiculous family and their obnoxious children, there was something cathartic about the whole thing. Zim had no problem talking back to anyone who messed with him or out right throwing them under the proverbial bus if they crossed him. It was something Bob certainly couldn't do living in his employers' house, and was enjoying getting to experience vicariously through the child.

Not to mention how much he was enjoying watching Red & Purple squirm as the tension grew, and the chances of Zim failing dwindled. They weren't the only ones, the closer Zim got to the end the more anxiously everyone watched the screen and the closer they inched to it, until the entire group was crowded around the TV and jockeying for a good view.

* * *

Finally the last few members of the group reached the fortress and the final challenge, to unlock the door and get inside. By this point the team consisted of Zim, Skoodge, and Throbulator, the latter of which volunteered to take the first try at the digital lock. Unfortunately he had forgotten something very important: the lock used a screen display, one with a low refresh rate that exacerbated his migraine. Throbulator smashed his head into the input panel several times in an effort to dull the internal pain, amazingly this worked in unlocking the door.

"Well done soldier!" Zim called over his shoulder as he dragged Skoodge through the door, leaving the man behind. Throbulator didn't mind, the pain in his head had been numbed enough for him to finally sleep it off.

"We made it! We've infiltrated the fortress!" Zim crowed triumphantly "Victory for Zim!...and Skoodge"

"Just for Skoodge" Sgt Hobo corrected as he descended to ground level "Your victory doesn't count"

"Doesn't count!? But I made it through every challenge!" Zim protested

"You missed the point of the exercise; you were supposed to make it through with **teamwork**, but your self-serving incompetence got your entire team eliminated"

"You're lying! Skoodge is right there!" Zim shouted back, pointing at the boy, who quietly wished his friend would leave him out of the shouting match "Everyone else was eliminated by their own incompetence! That one woman said she could dodge the lasers, the huge guy was supposed to sneak up on the plant things and knock them out" Zim listed "Everyone else lost because they couldn't do their job! Skoodge is the only one not to let me down, and you thought he needed rescuing!"

"Aww~" Skoodge smiled from his spot by the door. Zim's interpersonal skills had never been the best; he could work a crowd with no trouble, but anything where he had to deal with people at anything nearer than arm's length was a different matter. It was an unhealthy paradox of wanting closeness, but not wanting to admit he did or open up to others, and resulted in him being socially awkward in an aloof, appraising way. This was basically Zim saying that he trusted him and believed in his abilities.

"I'm not leaving until I pass the evaluation!" Zim declared obstenantly "My weapons training depends on this!"

"Then I'll be your final test" Sgt Hobo said as he held up the dog tags hanging around his neck "If you can get these, you pass"

Zim smirked confidently, once again completely glossing over the fact that he was going up against somebody several times his size "Perfect"

The two of them eyed and circled around each other as several poles rose out of the floor and were joined by ropes to form a makeshift arena, and the fight began.

Though Sgt Hobo loathed to admit it, Zim managed to hold his own quite well against him; while the man was much larger than Zim, the boy was stronger than he looked and far more agile than he was. "You know, when I first saw you I was confused why you were here" he said as he and Zim continued their holding pattern "After hearing what those two guys had to say about you, I wasn't expecting some tiny- what are you, about eight years old? But now-"

"I'm not eight!" Zim objected.

Sgt Hobo buried his face in his hand for a moment "As I was saying, now I get it" he said "Normally I'd feel bad about fighting a kid, but you, you're no normal kid: you don't care about the consequences of what you do, or anyone around you. You're a terrible leader, and the worst trainee I've ever had"

"Worst or greatest?" Zim asked with a snug little grin the sergeant just wanted to slap.

"I just said you were the worst" Sgt Hobo stated before pinning Zim against the ropes, showing the boy the perfect opening: Sgt Hobo's power suit was bigger, but used the same configuration as everyone else's, he just needed to find the connector.

"How's that for consequences?" The sergeant asked "Your little trick doesn't work without any teammates to steal power from" now he was monologuing "I said if you took care of your teammates they'd take care of you, but you wouldn't listen and now look where it's gotten you, you're all alone an-"

He had been so focused on his lecture that he hadn't noticed Zim connecting their armour and draining the power from his suit until the child successfully pushed him away. Sgt Hobo was taken off guard and staggered back away from Zim who seized the opportunity to topple him with a low sweeping kick before climbing up one of the posts.

"Who looks like an eight year old now!?" Zim taunted right before pouncing on the man.

Unfortunately Zim forgot to account for his reach being much shorter, Sgt Hobo was able to easily stop him by catching him and holding him at arm's length. He gave Zim an unimpressed look as the boy squirmed in his grasp and attempted to kick and claw at him. Until suddenly-

"I'm very sorry sir" Skoodge hurriedly said as he hit the sergeant on the head with the first aid kit, knocking him out. Zim grunted as he righted himself from suddenly being dropped, before noticing and snatching the dog tags.

"I've got them! Victory for Zim!"

"And Skoodge?" Skoodge added hopefully.

Zim's broad grin softened into a smaller, warm smile "And Skoodge"

* * *

"And Bob!" Bob cackled as he turned to face the stunned crowd "I win! Now pay up!"

"Oh we weren't _actually_ betting anything" Red smiled snarkily. "Yeah, it was just for fun!" Purple added. The rest of the children nodded amongst themselves in agreement, seizing the opportunity to get out of having to pay being added on top of the annoyance they felt over Zim succeeding.

Bob sighed in irritation, stupid brats.

Still, he did enjoy himself; just seeing the looks on Red & Purple's faces when Zim won more than made up for the wager being called off.

* * *

"As you can see, I have passed the evaluation and am ready for weapons training!" Zim announced at the next meeting, proudly beaming as he brandished his certificate. True he'd had to stamp it himself while Sgt Hobo was knocked out, but that was a minor detail.

"You sure did, Zim" Red said through gritted teeth and a forced grin "But wouldn't you know it the head office called the other day and said they needed all the weapons, tough luck there" In fact he, and only he as Purple had spent most of the time panicking at the prospect of Zim handling firearms, had spent the past few days scrambling to get all of the weapons shipped out. "Here, you can practice with this for now" Red added before Zim could object as he handed him a foam dart gun.

Nobody could quite be sure how he did it, not even Zim himself, but somehow 5 minutes later nearly everyone else was drenched by the sprinklers as the fire alarm keened overhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we start, I finally drew a reference picture for everyone, [I started with just a simple reference sheet](https://poppun-chan.tumblr.com/post/612249454627684352/as-promised-here-are-some-drawings-from-my)
> 
> This chapter has a lot to talk about, first of all I finally got to use the joke of adults assuming Zim is younger than he actually is, and it being a bit of a double edged sword as both frustrating, and useful. I got to include Bob too, which I'm happy about, I have a few ideas for him in the future (^.^) Next time we're going to be focusing on somebody we haven't spotlighted yet and I have something special I'm hoping to finish for the end of the month.
> 
> But besides that, I realised in a way Red & Purple are a little like the "Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom" episode in that both have older children given the ability to act on ideas that they're excited about, but can't really grasp the consequences of. In the case of the episode it's Dib the frustrated preteen fantasising about getting super powers and getting to live out his fantasy life, including fighting off an entire species without really giving thought to what happens to them. While here we have a couple of spoiled tweens with the resources to do whatever they want and be celebrated, but not grasping the implications; they made a whole event of potentially getting rid of Zim, but nobody really grasps how traumatic that could have potentially been (though in both the episode and this the camp they send him to is surprisingly safety conscious, even in the show the suit teleports you before you can actually get hurt)
> 
> Or at least, I've been thinking about it a little; I've had a few works that put a lot of analysis into their personalities and dynamic come to my attention, so...
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading (^.^) I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


	15. Customer Service

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a lot has happened in the past two weeks, I hope all of you are alright. Everyone here is fine, apart from a bit of stress trying to finish one particular assignment remotely and more than a little cabin fever; for better or worse my crisis clock seems to run fast, so I had already finished my panic stage before quarantine started. The start of my new term is nearly a month away too now, since we get so many international students we basically have a second quarantine period for anyone coming in, hopefully it will give me enough time to get some of my projects pulled together. Also I'll have mondays off again next term, which I'm really happy about since it will make updating much easier.
> 
> Anyway, as I said last time we're focusing on somebody who's perspective we haven't followed yet: this time we're covering Game Slave 2, we're getting a Gaz chapter.
> 
> A quick note I wanted to mention before we start is that Iggins' species in this was only in the comics, issue 17 to be exact, it's never named and I know not everyone follows the comics, but if you look up "Dolores" on the Invader Zim wiki, you'll at least have a picture (and why it's called Schmeevee)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy everyone (^.^-)

Growing up with somebody teaches you to recognise their habits and moods at a moment's glance, Dib had heard of siblings with a close bond developing their own sort of code when communicating with each other. He'd even heard of twins with a telepathic connections, resulting from having been together from the start….He wondered what it was like to have something normal like that.

Instead, he had his sister Gaz, who had spent much of her life cultivating a stoic facade. True he could discern what she was feeling from the minute variations in her expressions and body language, but it had still taken a long time, and for years she could read him far better than he could read her. Then there had been times like today where she...projected and whatever emotion she happened to be experiencing, usually some shade of angry, poured out of her and created a barrier pushing everything else away.

Thus before Dib even made his way downstairs and saw Gaz hunched over her cereal like a magenta vulture, he knew that she was in a bad mood. "What's bothering you?" he cautiously asked.

Gaz clenched at her spoon so hard that it bent "BigIgg2001" she growled.

"BigIgg2001?" Dib was no expert in many of the things Gaz was interested in, and he hoped the ensuing pause would eventually lead to her giving him some context for her sour mood.

"It's a guy from my company's community boards" she explained through gritted teeth "Lately he's been making trouble on the boards and poisoning it for everyone"

"You own the forums too, don't you?" Dib asked "Why don't you just ban him?"

It was a harmless enough question, but it caused Gaz to clench the spoon so it straightened out again "Don't you think I've tried that!?" she hissed, she whipped around to face Dib so quickly it looked like her head had spun backwards "The problem is he always stays just within community guidelines, so he's obnoxious but I can't actually get rid of him" she seethed "I could change the guidelines to allow me to ban members at my discretion, but that could just cause more problems; it's easy to abuse a loophole like that, so adding it puts people on edge"

Dib was slightly confused by that last point; Gaz never seemed to have any qualms about making others anxious, in fact she often preferred that people were intimidated into giving her her space. Why would she want to avoid doing so now? Either way, he tried one last piece of advice "What if you ignored him?" he offered "If no one replies to him maybe he'll get bored and leave"

Gaz slammed the now lightning bolt shaped utensil on the table as she rose from her seat "You just don't get it, do you?" She spat, and with that the storm cloud known as Gaz returned to her room.

* * *

Gaz sat alone in her personal sanctuary, her quiet minimalist cube of a room. The room itself was as much an enigma as its owner, at a glance it seemed like the perfect fit for Gaz: all straight edges and dark colours that were only broken up by the occasional tinted light given off by her electronics. But then if you got to know her it began to seem strange, she'd go to her room to get something or put it away, but if you went in yourself, there would be no trace of anything but the most basic furniture and electronics, with one or two decorations.

This was exactly as she wanted it, everything important was there, but out of sight so only she knew where it was and she would only look at something when she chose to. A perfectly controlled environment where she could work and think without any interruptions.

At the moment she was mulling over what to do about the troll.

Some might advise her that games were just a fun distraction, talking about them doubly so, and shouldn't be a big enough part of your life that one unpleasant person on one website would be an issue, but for Gaz it wasn't so simple. Video games had been an important part of her life for almost as long as she could remember. They had captured her interest from a young age, been a bonding activity for the typically anti-social child she had been, and had served as her personal refuge when...When she'd needed one most.

Unfair things happened in the real world, and sometimes there was nothing you could do to stop it. It didn't matter if you were a good person or a bad one, or what you did to prepare; there were times where fate would kick you and it simply was what it was. But games were something she could control: nothing really happened without her allowing it, if it did she could reset it, she could even dive into the game's code and change things if she wanted to. It was only natural that she would immerse herself in reprogrammable worlds that restored her sense of control at a time when she felt she had none...

Of course the one problem with that was she had gotten too good at them too quickly, and before she reached adulthood Gaz had found that nothing really challenged her anymore. It had been a personal crisis that had set her on her current career path as she realised that she had changed the code on both games and other machines, and if she could do that, it wouldn't be too big of a step to build it herself and create her own games.

It turned out she wasn't the only one who had the same problem; when she released her first title, the thing she heard most from people who played it was that it had been the first real challenge they'd had in a long time. From there other people had tried it for similar reasons, eventually word of mouth caused it to trickle down to people who weren't anywhere near skilled enough to beat it, but wanted to try because people they knew had played it. Some developed their skills to meet the challenge, some didn't. Over time it grew into a loyal fanbase, and a close-knit online community.

To Gaz video games were more than a leisure activity, or her livelihood, or even something that had helped her through a difficult time; more that they were an integral part of the way she had come to think of things. In her eyes this wasn't just some guy being obnoxious and spoiling everyone's fun, it was somebody simultaneously attacking a part of her and intruding on what was supposed to be a community of like-minded people. Yes those like-minded people enjoyed dismembering CG cosmic horrors, but they were her people who enjoyed dismembering CG cosmic horrors.

Then a thought struck her; true she couldn't ban him from the website, but she could still make him miserable in the one place he never expected.

* * *

It wasn't too hard to trace the signal and find the guy's IP address, he didn't even do anything to hide it, and from there to find the location of the computer he used the most to access the website. She'd been told a few times that she would make a great spy and she supposed she had the skill set for it, but it wasn't really her calling. This time, however, was one of the exceptional situations she'd break them out for.

Once she knew where to go, getting there was easy; she was already scheduled to go to a few meetings and events for the launch of her latest title, something she couldn't really avoid with how anticipated her first G-rated title was. Besides, travel between Earth and developed space was a lot faster at full speed and without Dib stopping to check for life on everything they flew past.

She had time for a _special_ side trip, and the flight itself gave her plenty of time to prepare.

* * *

"I'm off, Iggy! I'll see you tomorrow!" an older woman of a six-eyed, blob-like species called from the driver's seat of her vehicle.

"Bye mom, have fun at work" her son, a younger man, called distractedly from inside the house, his mind already on other things. If he had been paying attention he would have realised he was seeing his mother off to her shift at the local ER, the night shift, and that any fun to be had at work would be gleaned at the end when the emergencies she was tasked with were over and she was regaling the next shift with tales of the more...colourful incidents. In this case one involving a rather embarrassing misuse of sports equipment.

As soon as she was out of sight, Gaz made her move and just as Iggins was about to sit down the doorbell rang. The man waited for a moment in hopes that whoever it was would go away on their own, and grumbled in irritation when the doorbell rang again. He dragged himself up the stairs and over to the front door where he found a dark mauve Vortian woman was waiting for him.

"Hello, is this the home of 'BigIgg2001'?" Gaz asked; it was just a formality, she'd checked multiple times that this house was the correct one, and she was certain that she was not only at the right house, but speaking to the right person.

"Yeah, that's me" Iggins said, confused to be addressed by his handle name, but keeping it out of his voice "Why do you wanna know?"

"I'm from customer service, we've received a number of complaints about your conduct on the Doom Slayer community forums" Gaz replied in a crisp yet monotone voice, giving her impression of a customer service representative.

Actually seeing the guy in person, Gaz was far from impressed, granted her expectations hadn't been especially high to begin with; odds were that somebody who spent that much time being obnoxious online didn't have very much else going on in their lives, but still. Judging by the decor, he lived with at least one parent, that itself wasn't necessarily a strike against him, but the dowdiness exuded by the kitschy knick knacks adorning the entryway painted a clear picture of whoever raised him.

The old fashioned stylised floral wallpaper, lace doilies, and cheap mass produced porcelain figures and flower baskets made Gaz feel like she walked into a retirement home, or at least the home of somebody in a helping profession attempting to mask the underlying morbidity of their work. The family and child photos hanging in the hall and living room combined with the sort of person Iggins had turned out to be told her that whoever raised him had been doting and good natured, but utterly blind to what a jerk their son was. She also noted there was no trace of Iggins' gaming devices in the living room, which meant he likely had a floor to himself; well that made things easier.

"I haven't broken any of the rules, you can't touch me" Iggins retorted, only to find Gaz's finger inches away from his face.

"You just keep telling yourself that" she said cryptically before leaving.

As soon as she was gone Iggins shook her warning from his mind and returned to his computer, ready to start in earnest. However, when he tried to connect to the internet, he found that he couldn't. He gave a sigh of annoyance; something must be wrong with the router, with that thought he went down the hall to fix it, only to find it had disappeared entirely.

That was weird. It must have been moved, that might explain why it wasn't connecting though; it probably hadn't been plugged back in properly.

Iggins searched the room and found no trace of it before going to check the home office, but once again there was no sign of the router being there. Next he checked near his mother's favourite chair, sometimes her tablet had trouble connecting if the router was too far away, but no. This continued a few minutes longer as he checked every room he could think of without finding it; by this point she'd already be at work and have put her belongings away, it looked like he'd have to wait and ask her about it when she got home tomorrow.

Annoying as it might be it wasn't a complete disaster, he still had plenty of consoles to choose from. Once he returned to his part of the house he turned on and set the schmeevee, sat down in his bean bag chair and switched one on.

Nothing happened.

He got back up to try turning it on manually, still nothing, he tried checking the cables only to find they were gone; now that was really weird. He quickly looked around the room for them, only to find the cables for several other consoles were gone as well. Something was definitely going on.

The man started another search, digging around to try and find the cables and checking every gaming device in the house. Everywhere he looked was more of the same; no trace of the cables, any cables, and the batteries had all vanished as well. Iggins grew more panicked and desperate with each room he searched, someone had to be behind this, and was likely still in the house with him. Just then the hall lights began to flicker and footsteps sounded overhead, heightening his anxiety even more.

He ran into the bathroom to splash some water in his face to try and calm himself down, blindly feeling for the light switch until his fingers connected and the lights flickered on overhead. And that's when he saw it.

Piled on the bath mat were missing the cables to his newer consoles and every one of them had been cut in two and tossed on the heap. The only cables that seemed to have been spared were the ones for the older consoles, which were still missing. Iggins stood frozen in the doorway, screaming as if he had just discovered a murder scene, until his attention was pulled from the carnage by a cryptic message written in the fog on the mirror.

"You voided the warranty?" Iggins read aloud with a note of confusion in his voice. Just then a lone flash of lightning went off, despite there being no other signs of a storm, and the image of the Vortian woman flickered in the mirror. He wasn't sure if this made things better or worse; somehow she was upside down as if she were standing on a floor, despite there not not being anything high enough to stand on. "Nice try!" He shouted as much to himself as to Gaz, trying to mask his fear "You haven't gotten to me!"

* * *

His superficial show of bravado was wasted, Gaz was already back in her ship and waiting for the next stage of the plan to start. The router and still unaccounted for cables and batteries were piled beside her, all belonging to older consoles, the mother's tablet, handhelds, and the like. There was no reason to go after the unsupported hardware, or to punish the rest of the household; this was between her and Iggins, she could return the rest later.

It was too bad the warranty joke had gone over his head. The idea behind it had been that warranties could be voided by misusing the product, and that in her eyes his conduct constituted misuse of his consoles, hence voiding the warranty. She supposed it had been too cerebral for him, but she could think of a few people who would get a laugh out of hearing the details later.

Either way, it was time for her to finish preparing the second phase of her plan.

* * *

There was no doubt Iggins was unhappy about the destruction of his gaming cables, but he wasn't about to let some customer service clerk stop him, no matter how scary she was; all he had to do was go to the store and buy some new ones. Sure it was a pain and a little pricey, but it wasn't a huge deal, after declaring as much to the already absent Gaz he went to the garage, got into the remaining vehicle, and drove to the electronics shop.

The town wasn't that big so it only took a few minutes for him to reach the shop, the only one in town, but fortunately opened late. He smiled, confident that he had won, as he quickly parked and entered the store.

"Hey Iggins" the clerk greeted "I wasn't expecting you today, it's still a few weeks before your next pre-order arrives"

"I'm not here for that, I need to replace something" Iggins replied as he made his way to the gaming section of the store, inconveniently located in the back; why was the gaming stuff always at the back of electronics stores? Schmeevees, and tablets, and cameras all had their own corners at the front of the store, why did _he_ have to walk an extra twenty feet?

When he reached the gaming department he saw that there were no cables to be found, they must be moving things around again. He looked around throughout the store, but couldn't find the replacement cables he needed; this store wasn't as well stocked as the ones in the city, but it was big enough that they'd regularly have at least a few sets of cables in stock. He tried checking a few of the 'plan-b models', cables that weren't made specifically for consoles but still compatible, but those were gone too.

"Where are the gaming cables!?" Iggins shrieked over his shoulder at the clerk, the frantic desperation clear in his voice.

"We're out of stock, some Vortian woman came in twenty minutes ago and cleaned us out" the clerk shrugged "Same for the batteries, even the handful of consoles, said she had some big event she was buying for"

Iggins stood there in stunned silence for a moment, three of his six eyes twitching, how could she have bought out everything!? She'd have to spend a few thousand monies to do that, there's no way any normal person would drop that much just to mess with somebody. Desperately he made one last search, only to end up screaming in frustration when he found even the small pile of items that fell under the display rack had been picked through and dashed out the door, still screaming.

The clerk chuckled and opened a bag of candy that had been included in the purchase as a tip, perhaps working on a weekend night wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

Elsewhere Gaz was seated comfortably in her ship, watching the madness unfold as she leisurely put the finishing touches on a door prize basket. She had needed to pick up a few things to fill them out with, all the better that she could take care of this at the same time. How ironic that Iggins didn't realise who she was, but the clerk did.

This town being relatively small did make things a little easier, there was really only one place he could have gone to. The next step had taken a bit more narrowing down, but with a few well placed searches and phone calls she had been able to figure out where this was likely to end up and get that squared away. In fact, she had a little too good of an idea where this would end up, but it was fine; she was taking the necessary steps to make sure she was as in control of the outcome as she wanted to be.

* * *

Iggins stormed up to the ship still voicing his frustration: Fine, she could keep him from playing at home, but she couldn't reach everywhere.

He climbed back into his vehicle and drove into the city; his mother had taken the long distance ship, but this was still well within what the smaller one could handle, even if it was agonisingly slow. Even more so when he saw the express route had been backed up due to random inspections to prevent impaired driving. Iggens slammed his face in frustration onto an open spot on the control panel before turning to take a longer, but less crowded route.

True, he could just do something else this evening, but at this point it was a matter of pride more than anything; the mysterious Vortian had made it personal, there was no way he was just letting her win without a fight.

Finally the towering shopping mall came into view, by now Iggins was chewing his lip so hard it was a miracle he hadn't drawn blood. He quickly pulled into a parking space and barreled through the doors, just barely avoiding crashing into the directory as he checked which floor the gaming cafe was on; usually he preferred to play at home so he hadn't quite memorised the location, but he was desperate.

As soon as he found it, he ran up to the elevator and hammered the up button. His single minded focus on making it to the cafe as fast as possible pushing the warning sign about the elevator out of his range of perception as he pounded the express speed button. No way was the Vortian going to stop him now.

Iggins anxiously watched the elevator's display panel, his eyes growing wider as the car ascended and the numbers went up, by the time he neared his destination you could scarcely see the rest of his face beyond his bulging, bloodshot eyes and agitated grimace. When the chime went off to signify he had reached his intended floor, his face lit up with a look of relief typically reserved for people who had been rescued from a barren wasteland, to his way of thinking, he had.

The moment the doors opened he rushed out and crossed the hall as fast as he could to try and make it to the gaming cafe, he was so focused on his goal that he didn't notice the security guard until her arm reached out to stop him. "Sorry, I can't let you in tonight" the guard said "The whole cafe's been rented out for a private event"

"What are you talking about!?" Iggins shrieked as he hyperventilated "Nobody's having a party here! It looks the same as it always does!"

"Hey, all I know is some Vortian woman came along earlier and said she was renting the space for the night and to let in anyone but you" the guard said in a calm but assertive voice "There she is right now, if you want to talk to her about getting in" The man turn and, sure enough, was met with the increasingly familiar stony continence of Gaz.

"You!" Iggins tried to shout accusingly, but at this point he was so unnerved by her it came out as a choked squeak "You're crazy, you know that?" He completely missed how unhinged he sounded himself.

"Uh, need me to taze him for you?" The guard offered, holding up the stun weapon.

"Tempting, but no" Gaz replied "Go inside and enjoy the party"

"If you're sure" the guard shrugged, already walking inside; yes, she was supposed to check, and she just did, but she wasn't one to refuse an opportunity to play bubble lizards when it presented itself.

"This doesn't change anything, you know!" Iggins yelled as he hurried back into the elevator "You might have shut me off for tonight, but you can't shut me off forever!" He stomped on the floor of the elevator for emphasis and was moving quite a bit for the currently precarious balance of the car. "I'm still the best gamer on the forum! I'll always be better! And there's nothing you can do about it! What do you say to that!?"

Gaz gave him a look that could instantly freeze boiling water "I don't care"

Perhaps it was karma, or the supernatural powers some believed Gaz to have, or simply that Iggins hadn't let the elevator settle before he stomped in it, but no sooner had the words left Gaz's mouth than the elevator began to plummet with its dumbfounded occupant inside.

By right Iggins should have been panicking and desperately trying to find a way to save himself, but he was too stunned by the Vortian's words to fully register what was happening. How could she not care!? He was the best, and she wasn't, how could that not matter? Either way, the long trip to the ground floor gave him plenty of time to try and figure it out.

Gaz looked down the elevator shaft before calmly phoning the front desk and telling them to close off elevator number 3. The basic course of events had gone the way she expected they would, and the ambulance was already on standby, though part of her bitterly wondered if her time on Earth had started to soften her edges enough to have called it in the first or she had simply decided that death was too good for the likes of him and that his suffering should be prolonged, she found the latter the thought more comfortable.

* * *

Iggins woke up in the hospital, still in a haze from the cocktail of painkillers and sedatives in his system that took a minute or two to blink away. Once his head cleared, he looked down to see he was now sporting several casts and braces, and there was some sort of gift basket on the table across the room. Almost as if sensing his return to consciousness, the door opened and a familiar Vortian woman walked in.

"I see you survived" she said as if she'd had no doubt that he would.

"You! What are you doing here!?" Iggins stammered, part of him hoped she was a hallucination from the lingering effects of the medication, but he knew she likely wasn't.

"I came to give you an update, the complaints against you were settled while you were out" Gaz stated in her best customer service voice "It seems you suddenly made several violations of our community guidelines, and your account has been terminated"

"You did it, didn't you? You went on my computer and made those posts!"

"If you're going to dig near the ocean, don't complain when the hole floods" Gaz said calmly "But we're not leaving you completely cut off, I've included an early copy of our next upcoming release" she added with a smirk "It's a VR title, so you should be able to play it with no problem, since it's obviously going to be a while before you can do any twitch puzzles"

Iggins looked confused for a moment before the realisation sunk in as to which game he had received "But that's a babies' game!"

"You should feel right at home then" Gaz quipped before leaving.

* * *

Some time later, Gaz looked pensively out the window as the ship flew through space. It was funny in a way, she'd complained about her brother chatting away while they were flying to Earth and had desperately wanted silence and solitude, but now that she had it, it felt as if something were missing.

She'd already posted the announcement that BigIgg2001 had been banned earlier that day and elsewhere the various members of the forums were celebrating the news. With that matter permanently squared away, and a day or so of travel before she reached the launch event, she didn't really have anything to do for the time being, the ship didn't need any attention, so she wouldn't be interacting with anyone unless she chose to. And she could indulge in a few hours of personal time.

She slid a small, black box from under her bed, one that would normally be indistinguishable from the shadows, and opened it up. Inside there was an old game console and a framed photo of a dark mauve Vortian woman with a child that looked like a smaller copy of herself (especially since the child's squinting hid her slightly different coloured eyes) seated on her lap as she guided the child in how to play the same console that the photo now shared the box with.

Gaz carried both to the computer and set the photo on a shelf before plugging the console in and starting up the game. It was a simple game with a far cutesier aesthetic than she would normally choose, designed to be an easy introduction for beginners; far below her own skill level, and an early entry in the series on top of that, before it's signature mechanic had been introduced. But despite all that she was fond of it, not for the game itself but the memories it held.

Memories of watching her mother playing the game when she needed a break from a frustrating project and watching with fascination as the smallest movement of her fingers made the character run and jump around the screen. Of her mother noticing that fascination and showing her how to play, even though her hands were still too small to reach all the buttons at the time, and times when the two of them played it together. Even the bittersweet memories of going back to it on days when she...felt her absence most.

Alone in space with her thoughts and memories, Gaz allowed a rare warm smile to cross her face as she regarded the photo: All was right with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first of all I wanted to let you know that Iggins ended up in a different hospital than the one his mother works at, by the time she found out he was already awake, so you don't have to worry about her. Also I specified she worked at a hospital because apparently some people at the station objected when the episode was first made that people would...make assumptions about her job, so I decided to make a poke at them by giving her another job with late hours.
> 
> Besides that, this chapter has a bit of pay off I've been waiting months to get to; remember way back in chapter 6 when Dib notices how odd it is that Gaz specifies her next _violent_ video game, implying the current one isn't? And how in chapter 9 it's mentioned that she's finally making progress on it? And in chapter 11 she says that it's gone into beta testing? All of that was the production of this one game, the long anticipated G-rated title she says she came here for in the first place (Don't worry about her potentially leaving, that's not the only reason she's there, even if she says otherwise) there's still one more bit of aftermath in a couple of chapters, too. Having actually followed the process of making a game I know it's much longer than the timeline we have here, but it's Gaz, and there's a different level of technology, so I feel I can be a little flexible.
> 
> Having said that, I've noticed that certain types of chapters seem to happen together, from the emotionally heavy chapters a little while ago, ones adapting particularly brutal ones now, a couple of ones with some typical childhood antics sprinkled in coming up. 
> 
> As usual, I love hearing your thoughts, and I'd like to add for everyone to stay safe and I'll hopefully see you next week with something extra for the anniversary (^.^)


	16. The Wrong Package

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone!
> 
> For some of you, it's been a shorter wait than usual, last monday I uploaded the special project I made for the series' anniversary, the first chapter of a prequel story I've made to this one "Misadventures of a Project Child", it follows Zim's early childhood and some of the situations his parents help guide him through, basically it's a series of sweet and fluffy vignettes. You can find it on my profile here if you're interested: [ Misadventures of a Project Child](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23397343/chapters/56070640)
> 
> This next one I've been looking forward to as a nice, lighthearted fun chapter and one I've had an idea for from the beginning, and that will feature a nice little surprise at the end

There are some things that even advanced technology has yet to fix, it would seem obvious that there would always be a new problem to solve, but some should have been taken care of a long time ago. It always seemed to be the small things that slipped through the cracks, too: many life threatening diseases had cures now, while minor ailments still had to be toughed out. Similarly, many planets had mastered interstellar travel, but good luck finding a place to park your ship once you got there.

And of course there were postal mishaps and home shopping orders being incorrectly filled, as Dib was finding out the hard way. Currently he was looking at what had been inside the box he received earlier that day. At first he thought it could just be an issue of the quantity being spectacularly wrong, but now as he stood in the garage and waited for his call to customer service to connect, he had no doubt that this most certainly was not what he had ordered. Not even close.

"Hello? Customer service? Yes, I want to report a problem with my package" He waited a moment for the representative to ask the customary question of what the problem was before answering "Well, I ordered a box of baking mixes" Dib explained "And I got some kind of giant robot"

"What model is it?" The representative asked and Dib walked closer to inspect it "It says that it's some kind of stealth mech" he replied "I'm having a little trouble finding the model number.... here it is!" After reading off the number, he learnt that what he had received was called a 'Megadoomer' and that its' cup holders were apparently second to none. While that was all very nice, it didn't change the fact that it was not what Dib had ordered.

* * *

Elsewhere, Zim's day was not going any better.

Normally he'd be in a better mood after cadets, and he would have been if it weren't for Larb. The session had started out well enough, there had been the usual drills and before they practiced the new forms from last week, Red and Purple had asked for a demonstration. Of course Zim had raised his hand immediately and Red had called on him in that tired tone that no doubt came from Zim always being the only one to volunteer; the rest of the group must be such a disappointment.

But then **_Larb_**, stupid long headed Larb with his polo shirt and his weird chin, had to cut him off and do the demonstration instead!

As if that weren't bad enough, he had to run errands on the way home and suffered the indignity of dealing with Ray the hippie clerk. Ray had chosen to become a vegetarian and was vocal enough about it for everyone at the store to know it and call Ray over every time Zim tried to find meat free food.

Yes, Ray was knowledgeable about the store's vegetarian offerings, but also seemed to labour under the false impression that the two of them were like minded. Every time Ray entered the equation things slowed considerably as the clerk would begin talking at length about the lifestyle as if Zim had any choice in the matter. He would have preferred to stand in the aisle reading the ingredient lists off the packages himself to having recommendations delivered with a sermon on the evils of meat; something that was especially confusing given Ray's vastly different opinion on live animals.

On top of that, the random child he'd tried venting to had scurried away to the safety of his house at the first opportunity. Wimp.

Then he saw _it_.

He wasn't entirely sure what it was, but it was big, and metal, and had explodey looking things on it, and really what else mattered?. Suddenly frustrated thoughts of Larb, and Ray, and whoever the other guy was had been pushed aside as Zim found himself being drawn to the alien machine the way other children were drawn to a toy store window display.

"Yes, I'm aware how good they say Vortian tech is: I'm Vortian!"

Zim pulled his wide-eyed gaze away from the robot to the source of the voice and noticed Dib, standing in his garage with him and the robot, in the middle of his call. "Dib. Dib! Diiiib. Dib-Goat! Dib!" Zim called, trying to get his attention "Hey, Dib! What is this thing?"

"Zim, I'm on the phone" Dib said, his hand over the microphone "They sent me the wrong package and I'm trying to get it fixed"

"You mean you don't want it?" Zim asked, the wheels in his head already turning "Can I have it?"

"It has to go back to the store, Zim" Dib replied before switching gears as the representative returned "Hello? So is there anything you can do?" He asked before nodding a few times at something nobody else could hear "The order number? Sure I just need a moment" He chewed his lip, he always had trouble with trying to pull something up during a call, it was easy to accidentally mute or hang up a call while trying to change the page and he didn't want to risk it happening when things were going so unexpectedly smoothly. "Hold on a minute, I'm going to have to pull it up on another device"

He'd said that, but he could tell from the look that Zim was giving the robot that he wanted to take it out for a joyride, if Dib left now he'd likely drive off in it. "Zim, do you want to come into the house with me?"

"Not really" Zim replied, still mesmerised by the mech.

Dib sighed "That's not what I meant, I have to look something up inside and I don't want you driving off to who knows where in the robot while I'm gone"

"You insult me!" Zim retorted "I'm just looking at it!"

"Well okay" Dib said uneasily "I guess looking is alright" before walking into the house; he still had his concerns, but he'd only be gone a couple of minutes. Even Zim could only do so much in that time.

Hopefully.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim was finally alone with the robot, completely enchanted by the lure of alien tech, how could Dib not want to keep this? He could just order another of whatever he originally wanted. Zim certainly would have, besides, he desperately wanted to see the control station too.

And come to think of it, why shouldn't he? He did say he wanted to look at it, but he never specified he only wanted to look at the outside. After a minute of searching he found the way in and climbed inside. This was still fine, he was sure of it.

His eyes lit up as he took in the control area: the entire thing was in different shades of pink and purple, with a little maroon thrown in for good measure. Much better than the neutral colours human electronics used. The front of the room was filled with screens so the surrounding area could easily be monitored from the control panel in the middle, it was practically begging Zim to start flipping switches and pressing buttons.

And really there was no reason for him not to, not if you really thought about it. Sure he said he just wanted to look at it, but that didn't necessarily exclude touching; for some touching is an integral part of how they see. True Zim wasn't amongst them, but still, it counted, at least by his reasoning. And really, what harm could there possibly be in fiddling with the control panel of an alien robot full of labels he couldn't read and a truck load of weapons?

He scanned the panel for a moment before finding what looked like the way to turn it on and set his hand on it, as soon as he did the lights and screens flickered to life and a voice spoke overhead in an alien language. Next a device that looked like a barcode reader dropped down from the ceiling and scanned Zim head to toe before withdrawing into the ceiling.

"Species and language data registered, welcome pilot" the voice said, or rather several voices spliced together as the computer used the syllables in its' voice bank to recreate the words, having to access multiple languages to do so in a way that flowed reasonably well.

Zim was ecstatic; all sorts of ideas for what he could do with it were running through his head, it was hard to choose what to try first, he could probably take over the world right here and now if he wanted.

But wait, he wasn't supposed to go far, he couldn't really do anything until Dib got back.

Or _could_ he?

True, Dib said he didn't want him driving off to 'who knows where' but that didn't specifically exclude driving it altogether; as long as he stayed close by it would probably be fine. Not to mention distance was relative, especially when dealing with people from different planets. Dib measured close and far by cosmic standards, right? Of course he did! You can't simply undo a lifetime of conditioning just like that, so anywhere in the country should still count as close.

With that decided he found and activated the cloaking device, then picked up the motion controls and was on his way.

* * *

Dib had been busy retrieving the order number, trying to do so as quickly as possible to minimize the time he left Zim unattended with the megadoomer. The tablet had taken longer than normal to start up, typical, but he had finally gotten the confirmation message pulled up.

No sooner had he read the number than he felt and heard a tremor come from the direction of the garage, he didn't even need to look out the window, it had to be Zim's doing. He dashed out the door and, sure enough, the Megadoomer was traveling down the street.

Or rather, Zim was; something must have been wrong with the cloaking device as the robot itself was invisible, but Zim could clearly be seen, appearing to float a couple dozen feet in the air as he piloted the robot down the street, laughing manically. Of all the days for Gaz to be away with the ship.

"Alright Mr Membrane, I've got your order pulled up" the representative said with a calm that felt very out of place for what was happening on the other end of the line "You ordered a case of mixed berry mooshminkie baking mixes, right?"

"Uh-huh" Dib nodded absentmindedly, his mind was a thousand miles away.

"Ok, I'm going to transfer you to the return center" the person on the other end replied. Dib barely registered the response, the reply he gave was directed more towards the situation unfolding in front of him than the one on the phone as he readied himself to follow on foot.

"Alright then"

* * *

Zim was gleefully piloting the Megadoomer into town, looking over his shoulder every so often to see the trail of footprints left behind. Admittedly this would have been more fun with a screaming crowd running away in a panic at a threat they couldn't see, but most of the adults were at work and many of the children had been shipped off to day camp. Oh well, it was still a good time.

Though now that he was getting used to the controls, there came the question of what to do next. He could try rampaging downtown, or he could rain doom upon the ice cream truck that short changed him last week.

No, that was too small. Though it did give him a good idea: he knew _exactly_ what he wanted to do first.

* * *

Admittedly this hadn't seemed like a particularly good idea to begin with, more the only real option, but as Dib ran down the street, still clutching the phone as the 'call holding' music played, it started to sink in just how pointless this was. Sure the Megadoomer left an easy trail to follow, but it also moved at a far faster pace than Dib could run and at this point he couldn't even see it anymore. Not to mention he wasn't sure how much he could actually do once he got there, it wasn't as if Zim actually listened when people told him not to do something. Either way, even if he cut out the detours, it would still take ages to catch up: why couldn't he and Gaz have each brought their own ships?

Then he spotted something that could help sitting on a nearby lawn.

Somebody had left their bicycle unattended, it was about the right size for him to ride too, though now it left Dib with a dilemma: he'd at least have _some_ chance of catching up to Zim if he took it, on the other hand taking some child's bike seemed a bit wrong, then again this was a potential emergency....

Dib decided on a compromise, searching his pocket he found a mini pen and an empty envelope, he quickly scribbled off a note telling the owner that he'd borrowed the bike for an emergency and would drop it off at the police station when he was done with it and wedged his note in the door. Satisfied his solution, Dib then placed his phone in the basket and pedaled after Zim.

* * *

Larb was in his family's living room, busily setting things up; he'd just gotten a call from his parents saying they'd be working late and would be going out to dinner after, meaning they'd be out for a few hours longer than normal and the time was finally right.

Even though he was alone in the house, he still looked around nervously as he opened his bag and pulled out the borderline pubescent child's contraband: the PG-13 movie. He'd been holding on to it for weeks now, and at last he was going to watch it; he'd read the information on the box several times, but had chosen the movie mainly because the front had a guy with a gun on it. As he slipped the disk into the player, the microwave went off, his popcorn was ready.

By the time he had transferred the popcorn into the bowl and poured himself a soda, the commercials were mostly over and the disk menu popped up. Larb settled into the sofa as he grabbed the remote and excitedly speculated on what forbidden sights and sounds awaited him: there might even be swearing!

As he reached for his soda he noticed the surface of the drink was rippling, not in the way it normally would from being set down either, the ripples seemed to be growing larger instead of shrinking. Then the cup started shaking slightly, as he pushed it away from the edge to stop it from falling, he began feeling the tremors that grew louder and stronger until the sofa was shaking under him. Was there an earthquake?

Then they came to a sudden stop just as they neared Larb's house. He made his way to the front door, cautiously opened it and peered through, not knowing what he might find on the other side. He looked up and there was Zim, standing a couple dozen feet in the air. Great, he flies now.

"Zim?" he asked bewildered "What are you doing here?"

"Yes, it is I! Here to rain vengeance upon your- wait, how do you know it's me?" Zim's dramatic speech was cut off by the realisaton that he had been spotted

"You're....You're standing right there" Larb said dumbfounded, still trying to wrap his head around the bizarre situation he'd found himself in "On the walkway"

"LIES!" Zim yelled back "The robot I'm piloting is a stealth mech, equipped with an advanced cloaking device"

"It's only cloaking the robot, unfortunately I can still see and hear you" Larb interjected, starting to recover from the shock and regain his usual snarky attitude "Looks like you screwed up"

"Wha-No-I-" Zim sputtered "Slander! This robot was an **internet purchase!** _I_ didn't screw up, the people at the factory screwed up!" That did it, the proverbial gloves were off now (not that he'd ever take the real ones off while outside, not for something like this) "No matter! For soon I will rain destruction upon your inexplicably oblong head"

"Hey!"

"Soon my mocking your head won't matter, prepare to face the wrath of Zim!" He paused for a moment; the voice interface could communicate with him, but he didn't actually _know_ what any of the buttons did. A quick scan of the control panel brought his attention to a large, red button with an explosion symbol on it. That certainly looked promising. He brought his fist down on the button and warning lights began to flash overhead.

"Thank you for activating the self-destruct mechanism, take cover and have a nice day" The patchwork voice said cheerfully as it opened a hole in the floor under Zim and dropped him onto the grass. He dashed across the street and into a nearby garage that protected him from the blast, perhaps a bit excessive, considering Larb was fine just hiding behind the door for a minute before cautiously opening it again and peering out.

"The lawn!" Larb shrieked a full octave higher than normal as he saw the grass burst into flame. Before he could react, his attention was torn away by the sound of a large chunk of invisible debris falling and crushing the car parked in the driveway "My dad's mid-life crisis!"

"Ha!" Zim cackled triumphantly "I have successfully destroyed your family's status symbols! Victory for Zim!" It wasn't exactly what he had gone there for, but he'd take it.

Meanwhile Larb numbly picked up the garden hose and extinguished the lawn before going back inside to watch his movie; it was probably best to just go about his business and pretend this was as big a shock to him as it would be to his parents when they got home.

* * *

Elsewhere, Dib had heard the explosion, and noticed it had come from the same direction as the robot's footprints lead. The blood drained from his face as the realisation came upon him that there was a very good chance Zim was involved. His adrenaline spiked and he pedaled twice as hard, frantically calling Zim's name while the calming phone que music contrasted with his frantic searching.

"Zim! Where are you?" Please be alright, or at least only have a minor injury. Granted with how bad this could get, a minor injury could mean anything from a few scrapes and bruises to a broken leg....Though he supposed at least the boy wouldn't be able to get in as much trouble with one leg in a cast.... "Zim! Can you hear me!?"

"Whaaat?" Zim asked irritably as he pushed his way through the bushes.

"Oh thank goodness" Dib sighed, practically melting into the sidewalk in relief "Are you alright?"

"No!" Zim huffed, his sulking posture didn't change as the Vortian pulled him into a relieved hug. "The robot exploded and I only got to rain doom on Larb's lawn and an ugly car!"

Dib pulled back to give him an unimpressed look "Really? You nearly got blown up and _that's_ what you choose to focus on?" He asked before taking on a semi-joking tone "You know, if I prematurely blanch, it'll be because of you"

"You're welcome" Zim cheekily grinned in reply.

Dib gave a brief, discouraged look before he was finally rewarded with the ringing noise that signaled he was, at long last, being put through to a receptionist.

"Hello, this is the return center, how can I help you?"

"I was sent something I didn't order; I bought a case of mixed berry mooshminkie baking mixes, and I got a giant robot" Dib explained "Now there's been a slight....complication. The robot just blew up a few minutes ago"

"Tell them the cloaking device was faulty!" Zim chimed in.

"Sorry, we don't handle exploded products, you want another department" the receptionist answered "Transferring you to defective product returns"

"Wait, what!? No, don't transfer me! No, NO, **NOOOOO!**

Eventually Dib managed to get things sorted and a team was sent over to pick up the pieces of robot, a replacement case of mixes was mailed off, and questions about why the retrieval team couldn't simply drop it off while they were in the area were brushed aside. 

While that was going on he and Zim had picked Gir up from his playdate, and now the boys were enjoying the sort of pleasant evening of togetherness that often comes at the end of a crisis. With Gaz out of the house, Dib introduced Gir to some of the children's shows he used to watch without having to worry about bothering her. While the close watch he insisted on keeping on Zim after this latest fiasco took the form of going over star charts and teaching him some of the things that could be found on different planets. 

It was funny, Dib had never considered himself especially good with children but these two seemed to get along with him no problem. Part of him wondered whether he had been selling himself short, if it was that he had never interacted with children like-minded enough before, or if it was simply that he was helping to fill a void that had been there so long the two of them stopped noticing it, and what he could offer was still better than nothing. Maybe it was all three. 

The thought was pushed aside, however, in favour of staying in the moment and just enjoying it; the crisis was over, everybody was having fun, and questions like that could wait until another time. 

While the evening was nice and peaceful for the most part, dinner was momentarily soured by Zim suggesting that he should nearly get blown up more often in a tone that Dib couldn't tell if he were joking or serious. Rather than risk it being the latter, Dib flatly told him that he would be happy to keep a container of neapolitan ice cream in the freezer set aside for him without the boy endangering himself so never do that again, thank you. Even though odds were that he would. 

Either way, the result was one of those days where the first and second half felt like different days entirely, starting as a chaotic mess, but ending on an unexpectedly nice note. 

* * *

Many lightyears away was one very confused Irken, she had been on a reconnaissance mission and was told to expect a package containing something to help her if things went wrong and the Meekrob turned hostile. 

What she received was a case of baking mixes. 

Still, it was a nice change from the usual rations, and mixed berry was her favourite, so she had quickly opened one of the packages and started baking. It turned out the Meekrob really liked mixed berry mooshminkie too, within a few minutes of taking the pastries out of the oven, several locals had shown up on her doorstep asking to try one and she was too stunned to object (which was probably a good thing in regard to the mission, Irkens could be territorial about their snack foods). Now she stood in front of her base's computer, making the strangest call of her career. 

In a few moments the call connected and the image of a towering Irken woman with bright blue eyes and robes to match graced the screen: Almighty Tallest Miyuki. "Elite Cal, how is your mission progressing?" Tallest Miyuki asked in a clear, crisp, yet ever so slightly inviting voice. 

"Better than I could have expected, my Tallest! The Meekrob want to form an alliance with us!" 

"Already? That's splendid news! Well done, elite Cal!" 

"It's all because of the gift you sent, my Tallest" Cal replied with a nervous smile "I admit, I was surprised to receive a case of baking mixes, but your judgement was spot on. They loved them!" 

"You flatter me, elite Cal" Miyuki smiled in return, however her expression faltered slightly "But I never sent you any baking mixes" 

For a moment an awkward silence settled over the room as both Irkens wondered the same thing before brushing the thought aside; they'd gotten what they were ultimately after and that's what mattered in the end, there were some times when you were better off not knowing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 16 chapters....That's how long it's taken....16 chapters before we get to actually see some Irkens, I think that's some sort of record for an Invader Zim story that doesn't just have everyone as human. But at least we finally get to see Tallest Miyuki, I know a few of you have been wondering about her and here she is.
> 
> Anyway, this was a fun chapter to work on, especially the scene with Larb (I feel like this chapter and the next one are ones that really remind you most of the characters are children, but in a cute, characters following child logic way); though it was a little funny that this one was being written around the time the last chapter of "A Parade of Indignities" before the current one was posted, so I was reading scene with Larb shortly after writing my own, though I suppose it shows how you can have different takes on conflicts between the same characters. I remember seeing something about Larb being positioned as a sort of rival to Zim in the comics, and went with it from there (It's especially funny when you consider the dish Larb is named after is basically the meat version of a salad)....oddly I actually had a few PG13 DVDs at the characters' age though.
> 
> Besides that, I know the mooshminkie in the show was deep fried, but since they specified it was deep fried I decide that wasn't it's typical state and made it a baked good. Also part of me wants to imagine Larb's dad is the guy who's car is destroyed in "Invasion of the Idiot Dog Brain"; no matter what, that car is just doomed
> 
> Anyway, that's it for now, stay safe everyone (^.^)


	17. Who hacked the GPS?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope all of you are staying safe.
> 
> Here I'm sort of about to start the last term of my classes, it's a bit complicated since we have the option to either start right now, or wait for the next batch and I've been debating whether or not to do it since I can only take out equipment while I'm in school unless I get a current student to help and I have a few projects that were put on hold by everything. Either way I've started building my safety net back up, or at least it has a net gain of one chapter.
> 
> Today we have what is, sort of, the last summer chapter (the next one is right on the boarder of summer break ending) and what is technically the chapter that's spent the longest time in production to date; typically I have a handful in progress at different stages of completion, but I've skipped ahead a few times when I've had a good idea for a scene and wanted to get it written down right away and a big chunk of the final scene was among the first scenes this happened with (when we eventually get to the Christmas chapter, several scenes were actually written around then because I was in the right mindset)

Red and Purple sat in their living room looking profoundly annoyed as the 30 second clip of music played for the who-knew-how-many-hundredth time. Earlier that day they had still been satisfied with the song they had assigned Zim's phone number to warn them when he called, a catchy song with a touch of self-deprecation from the singer. However, after roughly three hours of hearing the same clip repeating without stop, they were silently wishing for a time machine so they could go back and kill whoever invented music. Potential grandparent paradox be damned, it would be worth it.

"We could just answer it" Red said through gritted teeth as the ringtone started up yet again.

"But then we'll have to talk to Zim!" Purple whined.

"It's better than this" Red retorted as he picked up the phone "_Anything_ is better than this!" he pressed the answer button "Hello" he sighed more than said.

"Hello, sir!" Zim said, his enthusiastic tone contrasting with Red's tone of resignation "It's me, Zim!"

"We know, Zim" Red replied tiredly "Your number has its' own ringtone" a pained expression crossed his face, he could practically _hear_ Zim's overly broad grin through the phone.

And wasn't it justified? It certainly was in Zim's eyes. After all, people didn't just assign identifying ringtones to a number unless its owner was special or important in some way. And it must be a favourite song at that, why else would they put off speaking to him for so long if they didn't love listening to it? But that could wait for now, he still had to take care of the matter he'd called for.

"I was calling because I wanted to show you the results of my latest project!" Zim said excitedly, verbally fishing for them to ask for more details; he'd planned an entire pitch for the occasion, and the three hours he'd just spent calling had given him ample time to rehearse it.

"It's not like the hamster experiment, is it?"

"No, this is planned out _far_ better than that one was" Zim laughed "There'll be sandwiches!" he added in a sing-song tone.

"Oh, that's great Zim" Red replied "Look, we've got stuff to do right now, but we'll try and stop by if we're free later, OK? Gotta go, bye!" as soon as he'd pressed the button and heard the tone signaling the end of the call, he turned to his twin and breathed a sigh of relief. "See? _That's_ how you deal with Zim"

* * *

After Red hung up Zim just stood there for a while, distracted, and wasn't brought back into the moment until he felt Gir take his hand.

Gir knew there were a lot of things he didn't really understand yet, and that was fine, he hadn't had a lot of time to learn them after all, but one thing he did understand was people. His big brother had talked to him about the people from his club, he'd even taken him a few times when he was little, and Gir knew there was something that didn't seem right. He knew Zim didn't like it when things weren't right, so he was a little worried seeing him quiet after talking to the tall guys.

"You OK, big brother?" Gir asked in a tone one typically reserved for comforting somebody who was waiting for a loved one in surgery.

"Eh? Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?" Zim answered, having snapped out of his stupor. Gir shrugged and gave an 'I don't know' hum; he seemed alright now, that's all that mattered.

Zim looked at Gir thoughtfully for a moment before it clicked "Wait a minute, Red hung up on me, didn't he!?" No wonder Gir was confused, normally he'd never let such behaviour stand, as it was he was surprised Red had just brushed him off like that; why, if he didn't know better, he might even have thought that Red hadn't wanted to talk to him.

That was ridiculous of course, he probably just didn't realise how impressive the project Zim had been trying to show him and Purple was. Well that was an easy enough fix, he'd just get them to come here and-

His train of thought was cut off by an alarm buzzing overhead. Zim complained of under his breath as he stormed into a secured portion of the basement lab and up to the control panel. The brain eater he had modified was part of a brilliant plan, he had no doubt about that, unfortunately the tank he'd placed it in required regular adjustments to keep the creature contained and sedated.

His plan was to seize power by threatening to release it; true, an argument could be made that it didn't really pose a threat to most people, but the average person didn't realise that. Really, Red and Purple had no idea what they were missing, but they would soon, he was sure they'd appreciate it's brilliance once they saw it. And with that he set to work.

Meanwhile Red and Purple had decided to treat themselves after their encounter with Zim by going out for doughnuts, not just any doughnuts either, they were going to their favorite doughnut place at the other end of town. It wasn't just the doughnuts the shop sold, they even loved the car trip required to get there; the route had an overpass that cut through town, allowing them to enjoy the feeling of the wind in their hair without the car slowing down to turn.

However if you asked their chauffeur, Derek, he would say the sole good part of the trip was when the twins were in the doughnut shop and he was able to sit back, put on a CD, and enjoy a few minutes of blissful quiet. Having to drive Red and Purple was exhausting at the best of times: the two would talk loudly, spill things in the backseat, and didn't let a lack of knowledge about the rules of the road keep them from trying to tell him how to do his job. If they had their way, he'd mow down pedestrians with reckless abandon to avoid having to stop for street lights and signs, drive on the grass & pavement, and through buildings to take the most direct route possible and keep the vehicle's speed consistent.

Honestly, he had no idea how Bob had lasted so long in his own job, he had to spend far more time with them than Derek did.

This excursion was particularly bad as they had spent a good part of the trip grousing about Zim. Derek had never actually met the boy, but the usual complaints were that he ruined everything, was loud & obnoxious, and never shut up; as far as he was concerned, they weren't in any position to judge. Bob seemed to have a very different opinion, at least going by his colourful description of the party a few weeks ago, according to him the child was an absolute riot.

* * *

Meanwhile, the boy in question was busily typing away; he knew that Red and Purple's jeep had a GPS attached to it, if he could just link up to it he'd be able to direct them to his house once it was turned on. Already he had managed to connect to the network, now all that was left was to access the specific jeep he needed. Unfortunately, it seemed this required the GPS' serial number.

Zim growled in irritation as he realised that he couldn't try finding it manually and scowled at the screen for a minute, as if he could intimidate the device into giving him access. When that failed to produce results, he did a quick search to find what brand of GPS the Jeep company used and dialed the number for the manufacturer.

"Hello. Thank you for calling, my name's Sven, how can I help you?" The customer service representative asked brightly.

"I need the serial number for a GPS, installed in a vehicle with the plate number M-A-S-S-I-V-E"

"Massive?" Sven asked in the tone of someone trying very hard not to judge.

"It's what they named the Jeep, 'The Massive', it's a vanity plate" Zim explained with a shrug.

"I see...." Sven replied distractedly "Wait, they? This is somebody else's- may I ask why you need the number?" The guidebook didn't say anything about situations like this, but instinct told him to get as much information as possible when it came to releasing serial numbers.

"I'm trying to access remote command for the Jeep so I can show my classmates a project I'm working on" Zim said as if he couldn't imagine a reason why anyone would object to his plan, in all likelihood he genuinely couldn't.

As for Sven, he felt a little conflicted; while as the designer for the GPS model he _could_ find the information Zim needed, he wasn't sure it was a good idea letting somebody hack another person's car. And he had no reason to doubt what Zim had said, if he were going to lie it probably wouldn't have been something so....questionable.

At the same time he felt a bit of sympathy for the boy. Hearing Zim's explanation conjured images of his own childhood: being the odd child that worked on academic projects in the summer, trying to get the attention and approval of his classmates, and hoping to find somebody like minded. Of course he was dealing with somebody very different; Sven hadn't had a particular goal in mind for his projects and, unlike Zim, he recognised what his classmates thought of him and sought acceptance rather than operating under the assumption he already had it.

Maybe he was just emotional right now, he wouldn't normally be working the phone lines, but he needed to do a low risk job that could be done from home for a few months. His paid paternity leave ended three weeks ago, but he wanted to spend time at home with his wife & the triplets a little while longer.

"Alright, I have the number" Sven said "But I'm a little worried, you don't really sound old enough to be driving"

"I'm not going to drive the actual car!" Zim objected "I'm using a controller! Now give to Zim!"

"Alright then" Sven shrugged before giving the boy the serial number. As soon as the call ended Zim entered the number and grinned broadly as the icon lit up and the view from the front mounted camera filled the screen.

* * *

Derek sighed, he hated his job: he hated his passengers, he hated their favourite radio station (or specifically, how loud they wanted it), and he hated the four wheel, all terrain crime against good taste they forced him to drive. It wasn't that the family didn't have a regular car he could use, there was more than one car; no, it was that the twins always insisted on taking the jeep provided by the cadets group. Seriously, did nobody think to check how old these two were?

Now he could live with driving a jeep, he didn't especially _like_ driving a jeep, but it wasn't too bad, he could even get used to the oddly bright shade of maroon the thing had been painted. Oh no, the problem was that they had decided to name it; he wasn't just driving a jeep, he was driving 'The Massive'. As if that weren't bad enough they had elected to put the name on the car, in alternating red & purple decals, _in three different places_ and added a stylised decal of their respective faces to the door on their preferred side.

He supposed he should consider himself lucky that there was an even number of letters and they could both start one word, otherwise there would have been no end to the squabbling. But still, looking at the thing caused him physical pain and he felt himself die a little inside and yearn for the anonymity of a ceiling and tinted windows every time he got behind the wheel.

Currently it was one of the better moments: they were on the way home, and they were driving down the highway so the boys were cheering as the wind whipped through their hair. It was then that something strange happened.

"Take the next exit"

It was the GPS. The strange part was that he didn't remember setting it, this was a routine enough trip that he didn't really need to, and normally he wouldn't get off at this exit. Still, it was military grade and accounted for traffic accidents, so he complied; Red and Purple might have groaned in annoyance that they were slowing down, but it was better than being stuck behind a traffic jam.

"Left turn coming up in 500 meters" the GPS instructed and Derek made the turn.

"Right turn coming up in 200 meters"

Wait. That wasn't right, to get back to the house they'd drive straight through the next two intersections, then turn left. He drove straight through, he could ignore the irritating beeps it made as it recalculated the route and the new directions it gave, unfortunately the twins did not ignore it and complained loudly. Derek took a deep breath, he could do this, he just needed to be patient a little longer.

This was easier said than done: between the noise from the GPS, and that of the passengers, it was difficult to focus. He tried lowering the GPS' volume but it seemed to rise back up by itself, as if the device had a mind of its own, and a very stubborn mind at that. Fortunately, he managed to spot a small park nearby with a parking lot attached, which would hopefully give him the chance to try and figure out what was happening.

"Hold on" Derek said "I'm going to try turning it off and on again" He turned the Jeep into the parking lot, once again ignoring the noises of protest and commands the GPS gave in response to being moved off its recommended route until it was finally silenced by him turning off the ignition. "There. We'll give it a minute, then try driving back again"

"Hey look! There's a bunch of people with signs!" Purple said, pointing at a gathered crowd of children about the same age as he and Red, most of whom were brandishing homemade signs. Many had messages on them, while others looked like they were meant to reassemble groups of adults when viewed at a distance. Purple squinted to read the sign held by what appeared to be the group leader "Resisty? Ha! That's a stupid name!" He laughed loudly enough to catch the attention of the sign's owner.

"You think our name's funny, do you?" A bespectacled boy with greyish lavender hair and large green eyes asked in a British accent "You're in no position to judge, What sort of name is 'The Massive'?" He added pointing to the alternating red and purple letter decals "More importantly, who would name a car in the first place?"

"Hey! It's a jeep and it's awesome!" Purple objected "Resisty's just dumb!"

"I'll have you know it's an acronym" the boy retorted.

"Yeah! One we all worked really hard on!" A wild haired boy with a party hat added "I still liked 'Pirate Monkeys' though"

"I told you Shloontaplooxis! 'Pirate Monkeys' doesn't tell people anything about our group" the bespectacled child sighed before turning to face the twins "Let's try this again. My name is Lard-Nar and we are the Respectably Educated Students Irritated by Soldier Training Youths: the R.E.S.I.S.T.Y." He elaborated, trying to sound very grown up "We find it distasteful how pervasive military culture in this country and at how young an age our peers are being indoctrinated"

"Respectably Educated, huh?" Red snarked, gesturing to Shloontaplooxis, causing Purple to snicker and another child to speak up.

"Hey! Don't be rude! Shloontaplooxis may be weird, but he's already doing highschool level math!" The new child interjected, while Derek internally debated whether to risk starting the car; it seemed he was the only one aware of the elephant in the room and it would be best if they left before anyone else noticed it.

"Oh yeah? Well we're in charge of the local cadets group!" Purple shot back.

And there it was.

A tense, heavy silence hung in the air for a moment before the realisation sunk in and all hell broke loose. All at once the Resisty ran towards the parking lot, Derek scrambled to get the car started, frantically looking back and forth between the ignition and the hoard of children about to descend upon them. He gave a satisfied smile as the engine roared to life before the car jerked backwards in a way he definitely didn't tell it to do, the children all hopped onto their bicycles and pedaled after them. All the while Red chewed Purple out for causing this mess.

* * *

Zim cackled triumphantly, he had only been able to guide the GPS route before, but now that the car had been turned on while he was connected, he could take full control.

His set up consisted of his laptop, with the screen displaying his view through the front mounted camera. Connected to that was the video game joystick he was using to steer the Jeep, and he sat on a swivel chair that shifted slightly as he put his full weight into moving the controls, the car swerved a little when he did so, but that was fine.

As he celebrated his victory, Gir came in with a precariously balanced tray. "Ta-da! I brought you food!" Gir cheered as he set the tray down beside Zim "It's mashed potatoes and muffins"

The older boy pulled his gaze away from the screen to assess the contents of the tray; apparently Gir's 'recipe' for mashed potatoes consisted of crushed up potato chips mixed with milk to form a paste. Technically it contained more or less the same elements regular mashed potatoes did, but that didn't change how unappealing the dish looked. Fortunately the muffins appeared to mostly be as they should, Gir had warmed them in the microwave and decorated them with gummy worms that were now partially melted by the heat, but that was far from the most heinous of his kitchen experiments.

He cautiously took a bite of a muffin and found there was nothing wrong with it, apart from the odd texture of the melted candy; he was always understandably wary of any food Gir had made. "It's not bad" Zim appraised.

"Wanna try the potatoes?" Gir offered, holding the plate up.

A heavy silence hung in the air for a minute as Zim stared at the potatoes, unaware that the vehicle on the screen was currently destroying several lawns without his guidance. "The muffins are plenty" he finally answered, pulling the plate closer for emphasis before turning back to the controls to correct the course.

"Okey dokey" Gir shrugged before slamming his face into the plate and leaving a face print in the potatoes. Just then two notices went off, one that the containment levels needed checking and the other that there was somebody at the door. Zim growled in irritation before telling the computer to let the roboparents handle it and gathering up his laptop to bring with him.

Gir lingered a moment longer before a realisation struck him "Meef's here!" He quickly set the mashed potatoes on the desk and scampered upstairs.

* * *

Meef cautiously made his way up the path to the slightly odd looking house, the house his friend Gir told him he lived in, along with a warning to be careful about the robots. He knocked on the door and was greeted by the inhumanly wide metallic smiles of the resident semi-functional mechanical caregivers looming over him. "Hello there!" they said in unsettling unison.

Well, now he knew what Gir meant.

* * *

Elsewhere Red & Purple were being similarly traumatised as a result of Zim being distracted and nearly crashing them into a bird bath. As it was both were clinging to each other, screaming, while the Resisty kept pace; a task made easier by the vehicle's constant zig zagging slowing it down as well as making the twin's panic all the funnier to their pursuers, as did the out of season christmas lights and sun glass clad lawn flamingos now adorning the jeep. By this point the massive looked like the world's most undignified parade float.

Once it sank in that they were now staying within the correct side of the road and, in fact, had evaded the birdbath over a minute ago, they became aware of nearby laughter, the sound of the Resisty laughing at them. The Resisty! Laughing at them! Despite having a ridiculous name!

Red decided he'd had enough of this and that he was going to do something about it. He and his brother simultaneously pulled away from each other: Red climbed into the front passenger seat to try and fix the problem while Purple seized a bag of doughnuts and began stress eating.

Just then the jeep hit a speed bump, causing Purple to scramble to keep the doughnuts in his bag from flying out with the exception of one, which went too high for him to grab and landed on Shloontaplooxis' party hat like an odd game of ring toss. Upon noticing Purple's expression, the boy gave the most exaggerated 'Now what could this be?' look possible as if he were a mime performing a physical comedy routine for five-year-olds, before reaching up to retrieve the doughnut and flashing a chipper 'Look what I found' smile.

"Hey! That's mine!" Purple objected, causing Shloontaplooxis to continue his act by turning to inspect the doughnut, then turning back to Purple with an exaggerated confused face and tilting his head. Purple glared at him and Shloontaplooxis responded with a devious grin and doing a silent 'Mwa-ha-ha' laugh, his pinky finger lifted and twirling an imaginary mustache before motioning to take a bite of the doughnut. "Don't you dare!" Purple warned.

The other boy pulled the doughnut away and smiled innocently, making it appear for a moment he wouldn't eat the doughnut before swiftly taking a big bite of it. Purple sputtered in protest, but was ultimately powerless to do anything to stop Shloontaplooxis from eating the doughnut right in front of him, short of taking a flying leap off the back seat to tackle him.

As for Derek, he had been holding up decently well, apart from the realisation that after years of working for this family, being in a car he had no control over, that was ferrying him to an unknown destination did not phase him nearly as much as it should have. Part of him hoped that this experience would curb the twins' usual clamouring for him to drive recklessly, at least for a little while, ideally long term. While he was still open to the original plan of he and Bob moving to Europe when the boys came of age, he'd prefer their charges not be such terrible drivers that they'd need to put an ocean's space between them.

Upon realising the jeep was being remote controlled he had set to work trying to regain control, or at least keep its route slightly more stable, but thus far hadn't been having any luck. He said as much when Red climbed into the front seat, and demanded that he fix the problem. Red then insisted on taking control, despite a lack of knowledge about the workings of automobiles, grabbed the screen of the GPS with both hands and tore it out of the dashboard. The boy sighed with relief as the lights faded from the screen, only for the jeep to swerve again.

Derek sighed "That was the display screen, all you did disconnect the part we could interact with"

Red sat in stunned silence with his mouth hanging open, until he was shaken back into the moment by The Massive lurching into oncoming traffic for a moment as Zim returned from adjusting the levels and was startled by the sight of Gir's mashed potato face print waiting on the desk to greet him.

* * *

In a twist of cosmic irony, Gir was currently the calmest person involved with this incident, he had no way of knowing what was happening in the jeep, but Zim was downstairs rushing to keep his project contained when Gir last saw him. Furthermore, while Meef was in the living room as expected, he'd walked in on his friend staring at him like a deer in the headlights as he dangled in the air, his head firmly wedged in the robomom's mouth

"Don't worry, she's not gonna eatchu" Gir said serenely as he climbed onto the sofa "Her mouth doesn't go anywhere, it's just for show" he was seated with his hands folded in his lap and a sweet smile that seemed out of place with the scene in front of him "I know, I looked when she was being fixed"

"Oh, OK. Thank you Gir" Meef replied, relieved but still a little shell shocked "Uh, I think some of my hair is stuck in the teeth"

"It's OK, my brother'll be here in a minute, he'll getchu down"

The very moment Gir was saying this an alarm sounded where Zim was working, and the computer alerted him to 'something horrible' happening near the front door. With a noise of irritation Zim hurriedly trudged upstairs and walked in on the roboparents, one apparently trying to eat one of Gir's little friends from play school, and the other loudly inviting the neighbors to join in.

"See? Told you" Gir said, still looking like he was posing for a family photo.

Zim quickly crossed the room, handed the controls off to Gir, and pushed past the roboparents onto the the front steps "Put that down, it's Gir's" he commanded, scowling up at the robots with one hand on his hip and the other gesturing to the smaller child.

"Is that any way to ask for something?" The robodad said "What's the magic word?"

"COMPUTER! DEACTIVATE!" Zim shouted, pointing at the robots. It turned out to be the right words after all, as they shut off and dropped Meef, as soon as he hit the ground Zim ushered him away from the house.

"I guess I'll see you on Saturday, Gir" Meef called as he was shooed away.

"Ok, maybe I should go to your house though!"

"Yeah, that might be a good idea" Meef shakily answered, he'd always considered Gir to be the most fearless member of their little group, nothing ever seemed to phase him, and after seeing where he lived he understood why.

As soon as Meef was on his way Zim turned and stormed back up the walkway, as he started dragging the roboparents inside he noticed the crowd of gathered neighbors staring on in dumbfounded silence.

"What? You've all seen them malfunction before!" Zim said defensively "There's nothing to see here! Go back to your houses, begone with you!" With a dismissive wave of the hand he retreated back into the house and away from the gawking crowd.

As soon as the door was closed Zim took back the controls, which Gir waved goodbye to, before taking a seat on the sofa; according to the signal they were nearly there. Gir went to retrieve his mashed potatoes, but stopped after opening the door to the basement and ran to get his brother, he was fairly sure it wasn't supposed to have buzzing alarms and flickering red lights going off.

* * *

Meanwhile, the massive was currently stopped at a red light; something that should have been a welcome break from the chaos, especially after Gir having the controls, however Red & Purple's expressions were deeply displeased. The jeep was stationary for now, but this had allowed the Resisty to catch up to them again and begin performing a few 'touch ups' with some paint markers. Thanks to their efforts the doors and hood now read 'The massive idiots' and their stylised face decals were now sporting rather unflattering expressions.

"Good work everyone!" Lard Nar declared with a satisfied nod "I think we've made our point today, now let's go back to celebrate!" And with that the Resisty biked onto the sidewalk and back in the direction of the park. Derek couldn't really bring himself to be mad at them, the paint would wash off easily enough, and by now he was more curious as to where they were going than anything else.

Everyone tensed as the light turned green and the jeep continued its' journey before it anticlimactically turned onto a small residential street, slowing as it neared a row of parked cars. The three passengers watched it draw nearer with wide-eyed horror as they realised whoever was in control was going to try parking in the lone open space. There was a tense moment as the front bumper entered the parking space, but to everyone's mutual surprise the vehicle slipped effortlessly into the space despite the small margin of clearance.

It took a few minutes to sink in that they had stopped moving, as soon as it did all three of them scrambled out: Derek to try and assess the situation and work on getting them home (as well as reconnect the display screen), Purple to celebrate finally being on solid ground again, and Red to try and figure out where exactly they were. He got his answer easily enough as he spotted the street name on a nearby sign and the number of the house across the street, he'd seen this address before in the group's files and was all too familiar with one of the residents. Zim was going to pay for this....even if he was really good at parallel parking.

A few moments later Zim burst through the front door with his ecstatically giggling brother tucked under his arm, both wearing bicycle helmets. Red was the first to speak "_ZIM_, what is the meaning of this!?" he said before Purple chimed in "Yeah! We were driving strai-WhoaMyGawd!" he shrieked as an enormous, blob-like creature with rings of sharp teeth began to ooze its way through the front door. Zim ducked behind the jeep, setting Gir down and instructing him to stay still, before removing a toy-like weapon from his backpack and firing it at the beast; like the person who made it, it proved to be far more formidable than it first appeared as the creature exploded violently after only a few hits.

Zim, who had deftly hidden behind the jeep to shield himself, peeked out from behind and cackled triumphantly "Ha! You won't be getting my brains!" he crowed before turning to Red & Purple, who were standing in stunned silence. "Not to worry, sirs. Your brain meats have been saved by Zim! Praise me!" he was practically beaming up at the taller boys, ready to be lauded for his daring rescue (true it was from something he created, but that was a minor detail at best)

Unfortunately the only words that came were a confused "Brain....Meats?"

Undeterred, Zim nodded "What you saw was a brain eating parasite beast, meant to turn people into mindless zombies by devouring their brains, ingenious, no?- Oh ! Ugh! Blegh!" Zim's boasting turned into exclamations of disgust as he noticed the state the pair was in. While he and Gir were both small and protected from the explosion and resulting mess by the truck, Red & Purple had been out in the open and, as such, were covered in bits of creature as bright blue blood and grey-brown guts dripped off them.

"Give me a second" Zim gagged before digging into his backpack and producing a box of moist towelettes "Here, you can use these" he offered, his voice muffled and nasal from the hand clasped over his mouth and nose "You, uh…have some entrails on you"

For a moment, an uncomfortable silence hung in the air before it was finally broken by Purple "I think....I'm gonna throw up!" he declared before stumbling off, Red following after him. "Augh! Purple, Geez! Not on the doughnuts!" Derek, who had missed all of this while working on the car briefly glanced up before diving back in with a discouraged shake of his head.

Zim stood idly by, watching the chaos unfold, before his attention was caught by Gir tugging his shirt "I wanna dance in the guts!" Gir squealed prompting a disgusted wince from Zim.

"Fine you can play until I come back with cleaning things from Dib's house" Zim sighed, it had been a long night and he didn't feel like arguing "But wear your mud puddle boots and coat from the garage. And you're taking a bath after!" he called after Gir, who was already toddling over to the garage.

He sighed as he took in the madness unfolding around him: Gir was already putting his rain gear on, Red & Purple were…indisposed, and some guy was tinkering with the defaced jeep, probably the chauffeur. He knew he really should clean the incredible mess in the doorway, but after the disaster the day had turned into, he found his usual zeal somewhat lacking; at least in regards to scrubbing bits of monster filth, so what if he had two layers of gloves protecting him?

Thus, he made an executive decision: first he'd go to Dib's house and debrief, perhaps unwind with a sugary drink, that should give Gir plenty of time to finish....playing. Then he'd get the cleaning supplies and with any luck, be able to win some....assistance with his clean up, never help just assistance, or at least borrow the high tech cleaner, either or.

Besides, it had taken weeks to get a sample of that brain eating microbe and figure a way to grow it large enough; after all that work it would be nice to talk to _somebody_ about it and have his effort acknowledged, even if Dib would likely lecture him about how 'dangerous' his plan was after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before I start the ending notes, somebody made fan art (-^.^-) it's by 1wokecryptid on tumblr who even designed a different outfit for Zim, I've reblogged it on my page under "The Aliens Next Door" tag too, [click here if you want to send the artist some love.](https://1wokecryptid.tumblr.com/post/613770519275339776/i-drew-this-for-poppun-chan-fic-the-aliens#notes)
> 
> Working on this one was actually sort of funny, the Resisty was always going to be a protest group, but originally Bob was going to be the driver too. But then I thought it'd be nice to give him a work friend and bring the navigator from the movie in as the chauffeur (and just in time too since I made the decision a little bit before posting chapter 14), though I admit now I sort of want Bob & the Navigator to be friends in the main universe too (^.^')
> 
> The past couple of weeks have been fairly slow so I don't have too much more to say this time: the song "Falling for the first time" was what I based the song assigned to Zim's phone number on (Typically I try to avoid putting the actual lyrics in since I find it a little hard to follow when I don't know the song), the final scene has both a "Men In Black" reference and a nod to a closed down amusement park section....
> 
> Really I've covered all I can for now, until next time as always I look forward to reading your thoughts and hope all of you stay safe.
> 
> EDIT: Big thank you to RissyNicole for helping me shrink the image enough to fit


	18. A Ship of my Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everyone, before we start I wanted to let you know that either the next upload or the one after will be handled a little differently with it being pushed back slightly and the prequel being updated at the usual time. So if it's the next upload chapter 2 of Misadventures of a Project Child will be posted in two weeks and chapter 19 will go up the week after, then chapter 20 two weeks after that with the usual gap.
> 
> The reason why is that my cushion is still the same as last time (This chapter has the dubious honor of being the one with the smallest gap between writing and proof reading, at least for this story, the first chapter of the prequel had less), and my classes don't have a break week in the middle of the term like they normally do which I usually use as a catch up period and this way I'm buying myself an extra week for the main story. This also helps solve a problem I had with trying to figure out how to update the prequel since 1-The second chapter was finished long before the first and it's fairly short and, 2-I don't believe it's as popular, I could be wrong since I'm just going by comments and I did upload it on the anniversary, so there was a spike in story uploads anyway.
> 
> Either way, I didn't want to replace a regular upload entirely, so hopefully this works; if it goes well I might use this for the next few prequel updates where every few chapters I do this since right now I have two chapters of that in progress (The week or so when we moved was really stressful, so I ended up working on chapters 3 & 4 a lot to unwind)
> 
> With that out of the way, this time we're covering Dibship Rising, which means that yes, Zim is getting a spaceship...It'll be fine...
> 
> Enjoy everyone

"Gaz, what is _that_?" Dib asked in regards to the small pink and purple ship now occupying the hanger portion of the garage. Gaz had finally returned from her promotional tour and had brought the ship back with her. Had it been anyone else he would have dismissed it as her treating herself after finishing a tough project, but this was Gaz; Gaz didn't buy things for fun, nor did she have a particular interest in old-but-not-yet-vintage ships.

"It's an Irken Voot Runner" she said dryly.

"I know what it is, Gaz! What I want to know is what it's doing here"

"I bought it" Gaz smirked, now she was just messing with him.

"I certainly hope you _bought_ it, but _why_ did you buy it?" Dib sighed "I mean, having a second ship would be great for when you have your game tours, but do they really happen often enough to warrant one?"

"You'll see" was the only answer he got as the two of them deposited Gaz's bags in the house and prepared to make another trip. However, before they could they were interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Dib! There's a box with weird writing and I think a cartoon face thing on it!" Zim shouted as he entered the garage, the box already in his hands.

"Those are my baking mixes!" Dib answered. He went over and took the box from Zim, a quick check inside confirmed that they had finally arrived without any more mishaps.

"Oh. Your terrifying sister is back"

Gaz chuckled at this, at least chuckled by her standards "Terrifying, hmm? So does that mean you don't want the souvenir I brought back?"

"Never! Give to Zim!" The boy hastily replied, making a grabbing gesture with his hands. Ok, she could sort of understand why Dib was so attached to this kid; she had to admit he was a bit of a character.

"Alright, do you know what I left for?" Gaz asked "I had to do a tour for the release of my new game"

"Souvenir!" Zim demanded impatiently.

"I'm getting to that, but this is important" Gaz replied, curtly, but with more patience than she typically showed. "This release was a big deal because it was aimed at children, a lot of customers had been asking for one and I don't normally _do_ those" she explained "And that's where you come in; this game was partially inspired by you breaking into our garage all the time, normally I'd pay you for that, but there's not much you can spend space money on here, so instead...." She pointed towards the recently acquired ship with her head and right away Zim's face lit up while Dib looked horrified.

"For me? A spaceship for Zim?" Zim exclaimed with an impossibility wide grin "It's purple!".

Gaz nodded "I thought you'd like it"

Zim had already climbed into the pilot's seat and was looking around as if he were in a candy store he had all to himself "Where are the instructions? I want to fly it!" He said excitedly, practically bouncing in his seat, Gaz handed him the translated manual, which he eagerly grabbed and began pouring over.

"Gaz, can I talk to you for a minute?" Dib said more than asked before ushering his sister out of the ship. "What were you thinking!?" Dib whispered frustratedly as soon as they left "You can't give Zim a ship!

"Evidently I can" Gaz stated.

"Ok, fine. Maybe you _can_ but that doesn't mean you actually _should_" he self-corrected "Seriously, Zim should not be allowed to drive anything yet; he nearly drove off a cliff a few months ago!"

"The ship flies"

"And he nearly blew himself up with a giant robot while you were on your tour"

"The dealership took the weapons offline when they prepared it for sale" she replied "Besides, he loves it"

"I know, I'm just worried something will happen" Dib said. The fact that he sounded like a parent berating an aunt for surprising his child with a gift he didn't approve of wasn't lost on him, but _somebody_ had to. Especially since some of the boy's recent escapades had made Dib realise what a miracle it was that he survived his own childhood and that some of the 'fantastic' ideas he'd had back then were really stupid and dangerous in retrospect. True, nobody had stepped in to stop him back then and he'd made it through alright, but that just meant he was lucky.

Either way, Dib had long since realised that many of the examples he had from his own childhood were first and foremost examples of what to avoid.

* * *

Zim sat in the pilot's seat of the ship, still eagerly reading the manual as he had every spare moment since receiving it, even more so now that Gir was in bed and he had a few hours to himself. It was a bit disappointing that it took so long to find out how to fly the ship that he wouldn't have the chance to fly it until tomorrow, especially since it was the first day of school and he'd have to wait until he got back.

Then one title caught his attention.

"Downloaded personality interface?" Intrigued, Zim read further; apparently you could upload an A.I. into the ship, either off your home's computer or a copy of your own personality scanned from your brain. Well that sounded great!

He excitedly entered the commands and pulled the helmet on, as he did he noticed the helmet didn't quite match the rest of the ship. There was a good reason for this, the ship was originally built to connect directly to an Irken PAK and download a copy of its owner's personality stored within. The helmet had been added by the dealership for the sake of customers who only had an organic brain, in order to create a digital copy that was compatible with the technology. Unfortunately Irk didn't make such things, or really much of anything they didn't plan to use themselves, so the dealership had to make do.

He'd have to paint it later.

After starting it up, he noted that having his brain scanned didn't feel the way he expected it to, he wasn't sure how he'd expect it to, but the tickling feeling in his head was not it. After a minute the scan was finished and the helmet retracted back into the ceiling.

"Ship! Fly me around the house!" Zim commanded, his features shifted into an annoyed scowl as he realised nothing was happening "Ship! I command you to fly!" He punctuated his command with a stamp of the foot, his scowl deepened as the ship remained stationery. "Typical, the helmet must be broken" he huffed before going back inside for the night; he'd have to try and get it working tomorrow after all.

As he left, he failed to notice that the ship had indeed activated with the upload having been successful. And that it was furious that it's 'place' had been taken by a 'tiny wannabe'

* * *

Later that night the ship put its plan into motion; it had spent a few hours waiting, biding its time until it knew the imposter would be asleep, and now was the time to strike. The ship reached towards the door, only to stop short upon realising something wasn't quite right.

"What in the- Augh! That horrible little-" the ship had to stifle it's reaction to keep from risking waking up that other Zim, but it was difficult when he was this angry; the little brat must have done something to trick him into thinking he was some sort of tastefully pink and purple spaceship.

With a few seconds of focusing on how he was supposed to look, he managed to dispel whatever trick had been used on him. At least to its own way of thinking, in fact, what happened was that by focusing on looking like Zim, the ship had inadvertently activated the transformation mechanism. Being a somewhat out of date model, the disguise wasn't particularly good, but the ship was satisfied with it.

Once that was out of the way, it snuck out of the garage and gingerly climbed the wall to where the so-called imposter was sleeping. Ship-Zim glared at the child, just who did he think he was walking around his house, sleeping in his bed, getting his germs all over everything. He'd probably eaten his piece of cake in the fridge.

Well, he'd get his vengeance in a moment! He carefully opened the window, reached across to the night stand.

And stole the alarm clock; whoever complains first is believed, all he had to do was make sure he arrived at the school first to ruin his double's plan. He left the window open for good measure as well, let the false Zim breathe the unfiltered air.

The ship grinned to itself as it settled into the garage, satisfied enough with the plan not to mind sleeping on the ground just this once.

* * *

Dib had woken up early that morning, wanting to make sure he was on time for his first day back at school, while he noticed Zim hadn't joined him, he didn't really think anything of it at the time. After all, Zim had been going to this school for years, the novelty of the first day back had likely worn off long ago and he would just leave at the usual time

It turned out that Dib's efforts had been unnecessary as, upon arriving at school, he discovered two things: one that he and his classmates would get to use the desks they'd fund raised for after all as the classes had been shuffled, giving them the same room and teacher as last year, for better or worse. And two, the first class of the day had been cancelled due to a broken pipe; he wasn't sure how they planned to have the building ready for them to return to in an hour, but it was probably going to be a mess when they did.

In the meantime he and Skoodge were playing Capsulemon and catching up, apparently there were a lot of events that happened during the summer, and another generation of Capsulemon had been announced at one of them. Eventually their conversation settled into playing & trying out the new cards they had acquired over the break, while Dib listened to Skoodge excitedly tell him about the convention and events he went to, how he started learning to bake, and what he hoped the new generation of Capsulemon creatures would be like.

And honestly, Dib didn't mind listening; after two months of Zim being extra reckless, it was kind of nice interacting with a child he didn't have to constantly worry would throw himself into harm's way if harm looked at him funny.

Besides, the events sounded fun, he was a bit wary of trying another SciFi convention, at least one where he might run into the same crowd as the last one, but the animation and fantasy ones might be good to try. Perhaps he could repurpose his 'space goat costume' into a satyr one....actually never mind, that was a terrible idea, he'd settle for dressing up as a Hobbit or something. While Skoodge was showing Dib pictures of sugar cookies he'd shaped and decorated to look like animals, the pair noticed a large shadow looming over them.

Dib looked up and sighed: yep, the moment he found out the ship was being given to Zim he suspected something would go wrong, and something had indeed gone wrong.

What he was looking at was not Zim, it did not look like Zim, it didn't even look especially like a human for that matter. Rather it looked like a crude approximation of one: taller than the adults, far blockier than Zim's bone structure could ever expect to become, and oddly puffy looking for something clearly made out of metal. True, it replicated Zim's clothing and hairstyle, and had gotten his eyes sort of right, if a bit pink. But the victory was diminished slightly as 'he' was missing a finger on each hand and his backpack lacked straps, instead appearing to be hermetically attached to his back.

But most glaring of all was the imposter's bright green skin, something Dib had never seen on a human, and that served to make the machine look like an alien that had just flown past a few humans before making his disguise without doing any research; stepping out in public, confident that everyone would be too stupid or unobservant to notice.

Alright, it resembled Zim in so far as if he were an alien trying to pass as a human, this was what he'd probably do.

"Hello Zim" Skoodge greeted awkwardly "You look....different today....and green"

"I've been spending a lot of time outside" the imposter explained casually as he took his seat. Dib & Skoodge weren't buying it in the slightest; both had seen Zim regularly over the course of the summer, besides that they were well aware that humans did not tan like this.

Both of them shared a knowing look, it might not have been Zim, but it definitely acted like him, and would likely make a fuss if they made him mad. For now it was best to humour whatever this was until they figured out what was going on, though Dib already had a solid theory.

* * *

When Zim woke up, it was later in the morning than normal, even without the alarm clock, he knew he was already late for school.

Oh well, he wasn't really missing anything: the first week or so was always dedicated to reminding the other children of everything they had learnt in the last few weeks before summer and promptly forgotten. It was an agonising time for everyone: the students who were in shock from the sudden change in schedule, the teachers who had to put up with their complaining, and Zim who actually did remember the end of the last school year and just wanted them to cover something new already.

He had probably been marked as absent by now, he may as well just stay home and have fun with his new toy.

Once he'd gotten dressed and ready, he went to get Gir who was already sitting at the table, happily eating what cereal wasn't currently littering the space around his bowl. Zim quickly swept the spilt cereal and threw it away before preparing his own breakfast and informing Gir of his plans for the day, which were met with Gir's signature enthusiasm.

A few minutes later they walked up to the garage, or rather Zim did while Gir skipped by his side. However, when the older boy opened the garage door, he noticed immediately that something was wrong; namely that the ship was gone and in its place was his missing alarm clock. He also spotted a trail of abnormally large footprints headed out the main door.

"Uh-oh" Gir said in the typical preschooler cadence.

"Come on Gir" Zim scowled as he took Gir's hand and led him along the path of the footprints; he wasn't sure what exactly had happened, but he knew whatever is was, at the end he'd find his ship, and somebody he would be absolutely furious with.

* * *

Back at the school, Dib & Skoodge were both stuck in a profoundly uncomfortable conversation with the ship, namely trying not to set it off as it seemed to have no idea it wasn't really Zim; something the pair couldn't discern if it was a problem with the double itself, or that it simply copied Zim's own tendency to ignore facts that didn't suit him. The one saving grace was that it also had Zim's predisposition to monologue, keeping their replies mercifully short and infrequent as the machine monopolised the conversation. The experience was even more awkward for Dib who knew by now exactly what was going on, but was helpless to do anything about it without exposing himself.

"IMPOSTER!"

Almost as if on cue, the real Zim appeared at the school gates, pointing dramatically at the disguised ship, despite the drama being undercut slightly by the happily waving pre-schooler by his side. Zim himself was absolutely livid, he had been upset to find his ship missing less than a day after getting it and expected to get his answers here, but not _this_. Now he had arrived at the school to see some weird, metal balloon Zim in his place, even worse was that nobody seemed bothered by this.

Dib & Skoodge's faces bore similarly pained expressions as the inevitable happened and the ship proceeded to completely lose its temper and storm up to the child "I'm not the imposter, you are!"

Zim wasted no time in adding fuel to the fire "You don't even look like a person! For one thing, you're freakishly huge!"

"No I'm not! You're just tiny!" the ship argued back "Ask anyone in my class and they'll tell you I'm the real Zim" it scanned the crowd and pointed at a girl with spikey lavender hair, Zita "You! You know I'm the real Zim, right?"

"I don't know" Zita pondered out loud "I mean, Zim _is_ pretty short and I don't think him suddenly growing ten feet over the summer sounds very realistic"

Both Zims turned to face the girl simultaneously, both looking equal parts stunned and betrayed "Zita, you traitorous swine!" they shouted in unison "I'm not short, boys just have their major growth spurts later than girls!" Zita wisely decided to slowly and quietly back away from them.

"Fine, if you're supposed to be me, why is your skin green?" Zim asked, completely brushing aside the point he'd just won against the ship for including an inconvenient fact.

"Insolent fool boy!" The ship shouted back, glancing to the side for a moment as it tried to find a good explanation "It's a skin condition"

"You don't have a nose or ears, either" Zim pointed out.

"That's part of the skin condition!"

"What? No it's not!" Zim retorted "Those are made of cartilage! How would a skin condition affect cartilage?"

"It, uh....melted all my cartilage!" The ship explained, far prouder of this answer than it should have been "Yes. Horrible, painful cartilage melting!"

Zim was not impressed "That's stupid"

"DO NOT QUESTION ME!" The ship shouted before dashing off, earning a scowl from the real Zim; this so-called downloaded personality was really annoying, clearly something had gone wrong with the upload.

His expression changed to a conflicted one as he realised the predicament he'd set up for himself; he needed to go get his ship back, there was no way he was just going to let this go so easily. But at the same time by rushing straight to the school this morning, he'd inadvertently complicated the situation as he now had Gir with him and couldn't just leave him behind. Fortunately, Skoodge seemed to understand what was going on and quickly stepped in to offer that he and Dib look after the younger child, and after giving a few quick instructions to Gir, Zim was off.

Now it was Dib's turn to look conflicted, though to Skoodge it was slightly different; Zim's expression had looked like somebody choosing between 'want to' and 'should', while Dib looked more like somebody who needed to do something but couldn't give the required explanation. "If you need to go, don't worry, I've got this" Skoodge assured "I'll just say you two were called away for an emergency"

Dib nodded in reply, giving Skoodge a grateful smile before running off "Looks like it's just you and me" Skoodge smiled at Gir "Are you ready for a day at big kids' school?"

"Yes!" Gir cheered, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

* * *

It didn't take long for Zim to find the ship, even disguised and sitting in a park where it's false complexion was at least relatively close to the colour of the foliage, it was easy to spot. "Ship! There you are!" The irritation was clear in Zim's voice "You're coming home with me so I can get you back to normal"

"Alright"

"What?" Zim whipped around to face the machine, this was going far more smoothly than he expected, suspiciously so. "Why are you suddenly being so cooperative?"

"I realised what happened, I thought I was the real Zim before, but I was confused. I know you were right now"

"Yes. Yes I was" Zim nodded before stopping himself; this sounded an awful lot like a ploy _he'd_ use if he were desperate "Wait, _did_ you?"

"Did I?"

"Alright, fine, I was lying" the ship was still agreeing a bit too easily "But it doesn't matter, because I have _this_" The ship's hand turned into a laser canon and fired into the treeline-

Only for its show of force to amount to nothing as the canon clicked uselessly.

"My weapons have been disabled!"

The real Zim was not impressed "You really still think you're me? Humans don't normally have laser cannons" the boy pointed out while his double began to have a nervous breakdown at having been tampered with and left unarmed. In doing so it was inadvertently admitting to being a spaceship, but true to form disregarded this fact completely.

"Of course I do!" The ship sounded more anxious than angry "What self-respecting Zim doesn't have built in weapons?"

Zim growled in irritation at this, it wasn't as if he didn't have them because he didn't want them. Either way it provided the ship with the opening it needed to grab Zim and begin running off with him "There's only one thing to do with you" the ship grinned "I'll throw you in the city cesspool whe-"

"That's disgusting!"

"Yes it is. Anyway, where you-"

"I'm fairly sure I saw a half-rotted cow in there on the news once"

"Would you stop that!" the ship protested "I'm trying to monologue! You can't just interrupt someone when they're trying to- ugh!" its argument dissolved into a fit of coughing and gagging as they drew close enough for the smell to begin affecting it. Zim had no idea how a machine could smell the cesspool let alone cough and gag, but it didn't matter. This time _he_ was that one given the opening he needed as he wiggled out of its grasp and found the drop was not quite what he was expecting, namely that he slowly floated down beside a silvery car while simultaneously being pulled backwards.

"Dib?"

"Not quite" Looking into the window he spotted Gaz was sitting in the driver's seat with Dib on the passenger side "She always insists on driving" Dib shrugged "Get in, we'll take care of this"

"No you won't" Zim said in a steady but unreadable tone "Take me back, I have an idea I want to try" he received an uncertain look from Dib in return and rolled his eyes "If it makes you feel better, you two can be back up" he sighed in resignation. Gaz at least seemed satisfied with this as she steered back around and drove towards the other ship, which turned to face them as soon as they came into view.

Appearing to stand on the roof of a car, Zim was at least close to eye level with the ship "If you're so certain you're the real Zim, I have a way for you to prove it" he grinned smugly up at the imposter.

"Fine, I accept your challenge" it answered: perfect. While Zim's self awareness came and went, one thing he knew was that the copy wouldn't be able to resist a competition, and the chance to gain bragging rights.

"Try telling me something only the real Zim would know" he said "When did we switch to our current brand of protective paste?"

"Two and a half weeks into second grade" it replied "How does strawberry pie have to be prepared for us to eat it?"

"The strawberries have to be pureed before baking to keep them from getting mushy" This continued on for several minutes, both sides answering the questions sent their way and responding with a question of their own. However, one interesting pattern emerged in that there always seemed to be a measure of restraint to them, as if both parties were trying to avoid questions with too much emotional investment attached. Regardless, every question was met with a correct answer, as could be expected from an uploaded copy, until Zim realised something.

"Wait a minute, if you have all my memories, that means you should have my getting you and starting the upload"

"No I don't! You're making it up!" the ship shouted back a little too quickly, a little too insistent, Zim grinned confidently as he realised he'd struck a nerve.

"Are you _sure_ about that?" Zim asked as he inched closer to the ship, his face, voice and posture like a smug misbehaving cat. "Why don't you think back to make sure?"

"Gladly!" The ship replied confidently "And when I do you'll know that _you're_ the imposter" It didn't notice that Zim was climbing towards the pilot seat as it thought back to the day before: there he was going into Dib's garage and handing off his baking mixes, now Gaz was giving him a spaceship; alright, the space ship looked a little like he did last night, but that didn't mean anything! It was probably just a trick. Now he was sitting in the pilot seat and....

"**LIES!**" The ship screamed "You're trying to trick me!" Though it tried to sound as confident as before, the cracks were already beginning to show; not in a change of facial expression, but in the ship's disguise visibly breaking down along with its certainty. "YOU'RE LYING! I AM ZIM!" The ship jerked sideways as it lashed out, nearly causing the real Zim to lose his footing as he tried to enter the cockpit "You....Lies- I AM ZIM!" The boy climbed through the window and the ship tried to shake him again "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" The real Zim shouted as he posed dramatically, one foot planted on the dashboard, before entering the command to delete the A.I.

Only for a notice to pop up, informing him that it would take nearly two minutes to fully purge the copy, which elected to spend its final moments antagonising him. "If my life is a lie, that means your's is too" it said "You may think you're great, but the truth is nearly all the other children hate you, they all think you're nothing but a tiny, annoying joke"

Zim sat quietly in the ship for a minute, though it was difficult to tell if the machine's words had reached him, or if he was waiting for the right moment to reply "Hmph, you're just jealous of me: Zim is great" he finished right as the timer ran down, leaving no time for the copy to reply before being deleted. No sooner had the deletion screen faded than he announced his triumph "The one true Zim prevails! Victory for Zim!"

His celebration was promptly cut short as Dib jumped in "Are you alright?" the Vortian asked, concerned, as well as spoiling his victory ever so slightly; it was really hard to play the conquering hero with people worrying about you like that, even after seeing you win.

"Of course I am" Zim replied "Why wouldn't I be?" His tone made it clear that he genuinely had no idea why not and that the ramifications of what happened, and what the A.I. said, had either flown over the boy's head entirely, or been victims of his uncanny ability to ignore anything he didn't want to acknowledge.

"Well for one thing you just fought a machine considerably bigger and heavier than you" Dib explained "And you basically took down an alternate copy of yourself, the philosophical implications of it are quite....philosophical"

Zim scoffed at the idea "Don't be ridiculous! It wasn't even a real copy of me" he argued "That imposter was obnoxious and had none of my winning charm"

Yep, he was fine.

* * *

The trip back had a somewhat rocky start; while Gaz's presence meant that each sibling could pilot one of the ships back, Zim insisted that there were, in fact, three potential pilots and only relinquished the controls to Dib after getting his chance and being faced with the reality that he really didn't know how to pilot the ship. Even then, he only relinquished the controls after being promised flying lessons beginning as soon as they got home.

With both ships cloaked and floating along at a leisurely pace a contemplative silence had settled over the smaller one before being broken by Zim "So why _was_ it green, anyway?"

"I....I don't really know" Dib answered "I mean it's Irken tech, and they're green, so that might be it" He knew Irkens weren't the most accommodating species out there, not even with their own kind. Tallest Miyuki had changed things a bit, but she had been raised in the same culture and received the same upload as every other Irken, and there was only so far she could deviate from it. Yes she was more accommodating than her predecessors, and greatly increased the margin for error allowed, but it had been so small to begin with that Irk could still only be fairly compared with it's own past.

Either way, it would make sense that the people who made the ship assumed it would only have to mimic the appearance of an Irken owner and only programmed green skin tones as a result.

He didn't have much time to ponder this, however, as they soon arrived home and began Zim's eagerly awaited flying lesson; though his enthusiasm diminished somewhat upon learning that the first lesson would be dedicated to learning where everything was and he wouldn't actually get to fly it. Eventually a compromise was reached and at the end Dib allowed Zim to steer the ship a little once it was already in the air.

By the time they had finished the lesson and subsequent negotiations about the computer potentially acting as the ship A.I., something neither Computer nor Zim was particularly enthused about, had ended in the decision to have him only connect if the instruments read what could be considered an emergency situation, Skoodge came to drop Gir off.

The younger child excitedly regaled his brother with tales of his day at 'big kid's school', learning new things and how Skoodge's lunchbox was magic as it already had an extra sandwich for him. Something Skoodge would later explain to his classmates was a habit he had, bringing extra food during the first week of school as there was always at least one first grader who expected the cafeteria fare to be more edible than it actually was.

Soon excuses were coordinated, homes were returned to, and the day seemed to come to an unexpectedly normal end. At least until around 10 o'clock.

* * *

Zim knew he could fly the ship, Dib was just being overly cautious, but he could do it, he just needed the chance to fly it himself without anyone stopping him. He'd made it to the door and was about to step into the adjoining garage when the sound of ringing from his backpack caught his attention; who could be calling him at this time of night?

When he answered he was greeted by a familiar voice "I'll take you flying again tomorrow, Zim, go get some sleep"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So to start the notes, we have more fan art. This time by GibbyTheCookie (if you could tell me the name for your tumblr again, Gibby, so I can put it here, that would be great, since for some reason it showed up in the inbox, but not the post), as usual it's posted to my tumblr under the tag. And here at the end, these are really cute too
> 
> This chapter was simultaneously a lot of fun and a little weird to work on; I loved doing the scenes with Zim & the ship fighting, especially after reading the Zimvoid arc of the comics and getting excited to do something a little similar, and at one point ended up with a bunch of scenes I was really happy with and not being entirely sure how to connect them (But I did it. I finished the following chapter and a huge chunk of the one after before this one, but I did it). I especially enjoyed having the chance to slip the design of Zim's human disguise from the show in and getting to have this Zim pick it apart.
> 
> That's it for now, I'll see you next time (whether that's in the prequel or here) take care everyone, stay safe.


	19. Occupational Hazards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this one ended up being a bit later than I hoped for; I had an assignment due this week and spent the entire weekend and monday working to finish it (just to find out I had nearly 2 days more than I thought, oh well) Admittedly my plans to build up my safety net didn't go quite as planned either since one of the chapters I was working on ended up being several pages longer than normal, but I'm happy with how it turned out and I've still been able to get some work done on other chapters. We'll see how the next few weeks work out, there's one class that only has one assignment left.
> 
> But this is a chapter I've been looking forward to for a while, and I'd like to thank a commentor from here for giving me the idea for a side of the story that this chapter kicks off; unfortunately their account has been deactivated, but if you're still following the story, thank you and I hope you enjoy what I did with the inspiration you gave me.
> 
> With that taken care of, here's Career Day.

Dib had only been awake for about 10 minutes and already this day was turning out to be bizarre. He'd woken up to an itchy feeling on his neck, which after a quick look in the mirror turned out to be from a mysterious rash that appeared overnight, which he found worrisome. Was it an infection? An allergy? The laundry soap? Putting skin cream on it didn't seem to help clear it up, and it seeped fluid if he scratched too hard, fortunately his disguise hologram at least seemed to cover it.

With that taken care of well enough for him to go to school, he was faced with the second oddity of the day: a greeting card from his father. That itself wasn't as unusual as it would have been just a year before; in the time since Parent Teacher Night Dib and his father had been keeping in touch, regularly calling each other, and sending each other mail. When he opened the envelope he found a rather cute card with a stylised drawing of some species or another on the front wishing him a happy galactic equinox, inside it turned out to be a pop-up card as what was presumably the alien from the front turned into a hideous blob.

Wow, he never knew his dad had such a weird sense of humour.

Still, it had been a nice thought, he placed the card in his bedroom before sitting down and having breakfast. As he headed for the door, he noticed Gaz watching him in silent judgment over the edge of her tablet, which obscured the lower half of her face. "Yes?" He finally ventured to ask after a minute of heavy silence.

"You're seriously going to school _today_?" She asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Well yes, it's career day" Dib replied, confused "Why?"

Gaz scoffed in reply to his question "Suit yourself, just make sure you find somewhere private for 5 o'clock" Dib recognised from her tone that he wasn't getting anything more than the cryptic answer she'd already given him and set off for school.

* * *

Career day was something Dib had been looking forward to, not in the way his classmates had, or even for the chance to experience something completely unique to Earth as he often did, but for what it meant. Vort had something similar to career day where students could shadow people who worked in their field of interest, or in one they might like if they didn't have one, to try on different jobs and help decide what they wanted to do. That combined with visits from professionals, and tours of various workplaces allowed children to make an informed decision as to where they ultimately wanted to go.

Well, most children anyway.

Setting that memory aside, what Dib had really been curious about was seeing what jobs would actually be covered by the event. The difference in technology between planets also came with a difference in what jobs existed and which ones had been replaced by robots or become hobbies; anything related to space were big ones, Dib had done a double take the first time he'd heard somebody say they wanted to be an astronaut.

"Children, you're now going to draw your job for the day from this hat" Miss Bitters announced in her customary creak.

As soon as she handed the hat to the first student, the excited speculation and discussion of which jobs they wanted was replaced with a silent, tangible feeling of tension as the children now felt the pressure to actually draw it. Throughout the classroom Dib could hear his classmates exclamations of disappointment as they received jobs they didn't want, with only a few pulling something they liked.

On the other side of the room, Zim looked completely uninterested in career day, and for very good reason: he already knew the job he wanted wouldn't be in the hat.

Dib could sort of understand his feelings; while it wasn't exactly the same, he'd had a good idea of what he wanted to do from an early age, and unfortunately it wasn't something his school had encouraged. They had made a genuine effort to find a compromise, something that had the element of discovery but was more mainstream. Oceanography had been a big one, but Dib had been a stubborn child and ultimately the school's effort had only resulted in frustration for everyone involved. Though he still thought it'd be great to find a sea monster.

Now it was Zim's turn to draw and the look of disdain he gave his own slip of paper did nothing to convey which job he had drawn; none of the options would have been satisfying in the first place, after all. But for once he seemed to be holding his tongue, likely in hopes that he could potentially convince somebody to trade with him later on.

When Dib's turn came, he eagerly reached into the hat and pulled out a slip of paper, feeling both nervous and excited as he unfolded it and read the title written inside: Paranormal Investigator.

Where was this when he was growing up? This was exactly the sort of thing he would have loved to get as a child, or at least the Vortian equivalent. Still, better late than never, though it was funny in a way that so many of the things he'd missed having back then were happening now. But this was going to be great, spending the day with somebody like minded searching for ghosts, monsters, and-

Oh.

Oh no.

Dib's face went pale as the realisation sunk in that he was about to spend several hours with a guy who's job included looking for aliens....like him....he was so doomed.

Once the hat had been emptied, the students were ushered outside to find the adults they had been partnered with. For the number of children who had complained about the job they'd gotten, a distressingly small number of them had thought to simply trade their slips of paper; there were at least four who could have gotten exactly what they wanted if they just switched amongst themselves. A few seemed to have gotten jobs that they were satisfied with, several had jobs they were completely unqualified for, including a rather distressing few that belonged to both categories; the thought of Keef as a marriage counselor made Dib wince.

Though looking around he could see a few jobs that were a bit....undesirable, or at the very least ones it was difficult to imagine any children being excited about. Granted in one case it was difficult to tell if the child that drew it was unenthusiastic about the job itself, or being partnered off with their own parent, something Dib had to try very hard not to judge. He knew not everyone had the same experience he did, and some were embarrassed by their overly attentive parents, but still.

As for Dib, he knew he probably _should_ try and find a trading partner, but part of him was torn on it; he _really_ would have loved to get this growing up and hoped he might be able to make it work. As he wandered through the crowd he spotted Zim, trying very hard not to be noticed by his own partner. Alright, a compromise, he decided: he'd see if Zim wanted to trade, if not he'd keep his slip-

"Hello, juniour investigator"

Dib looked up to see a man dressed in dark clothing with a trench coat and sunglasses "Are you the Paranormal Investigator?" he asked. From the looks of it, the man had positioned himself to be able to read the papers of children passing by, while also being in a spot where he was easily overlooked, making him look mysterious as he'd seem to appear out of the shadows, already knowing who his partner was. Dib wasn't sure whether to find the display impressive or silly.

The man nodded "My name is Bill" he held out his hand and Dib hesitantly shook it "I'm Dib" though he was being cautious, but came off as slightly shy.

"Well Dib, today I'm going to introduce you to things beyond your imagination" Bill said, clearly used to having to sell this job to uninterested children "Prepare to have your mind opened" This guy had absolutely no idea what he was dealing with, and with any luck he never would.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim wasn't having a much better time. He knew 'Supreme Ruler of all Humanity' wasn't going to be in the hat; career day wasn't so much a sampling of jobs children might have, as jobs they could get a volunteer from. Still, he hadn't expected to get something _this_ bad, and unfortunately he was having trouble spotting someone he could trade with.

"Hello, you must be my partner for the day, since, you know, everyone else already left" an awkward sounding young man warbled. Zim looked up and saw a very familiar looking acne speckled face.

"Wait a minute! I know you! You're the guy who got my order wrong, and then just scraped the fish off instead of remaking it!" Zim shouted accusingly.

"No, you're thinking of Todd from Krazy Taco, I'm Simon, I work at the Mac Meaties" Simon replied "We'd better get going, my break's almost over"

Zim grumbled in irritation as he followed the teenager outside, this was going to be a long day.

* * *

After a few minutes in Bill's car, Dib was starting to feel less tense; perhaps because of the gentle swaying of the car, or perhaps because Bill seemed to be more focused on monologuing about his own conspiracy theories than paying attention to anything Dib was doing. As he allowed himself to relax Bill shoved a stack of files into his hands.

"Here, read some of these and enlighten yourself" Bill said before turning back to the wheel "So as I was saying, the corporations have started releasing a brand called biologics. Sceptics might say it's a French label, but I know it's really a conspiracy to overcharge for fake organics"

Dib was fairly certain that it was indeed the French label, but held his tongue as he silently browsed through the files, only to notice something wasn't quite right. The folder labeled 'Bigfoot' was marked with a big, red X branding it as fake, he'd done a bit of looking into Earth cryptids & mythical creatures and Bigfoot seemed to be a fairly widely accepted one. Apparently fossils were fake too, according to Bill they were meat garbage illegally dumped from another dimension, but those had _definitely_ been covered in class. Miss Bitters had spared no detail in describing the fate of the dinosaurs and how she believed humanity was doomed to suffer the same.

"Um....I think you mislabeled a few of these, I'm pretty sure dinosaurs were real" Dib said. Bill briefly gave him a look that said 'you poor naive child', which rubbed Dib the wrong way, before both turned back to their tasks. Unfortunately it seemed Bill did believe in the existence of aliens, as well as a cereal mascot which was....weird. As were a lot of the 'true' files were: there was one bearing a picture of a gangly young man labeled 'The cosmic fast-food worker' of which all human fast-food workers were believed to be manifested aspects of.

When he got to the bottom of the pile he noticed one of the 'fake' files with a very familiar term on the cover. "Galactic Equinox Theory?" Dib read aloud. How did humans know about the galactic equinox?

"Don't bother reading that garbage" Bill said dismissively "It's some crackpot theory my colleagues have about tonight, they say during the equinox the planets will be in perfect alignment to create a matrix of energy that'll cause any aliens living off their home planet to undergo a transformation called 'the molt' for a few seconds"

Dib's eyes went wide as the pieces clicked together: that card from Dad, Gaz questioning his going to school today, the rash on his neck.

In his defense he had only been in range of one or two other equinoxes, and those had been spent on-planet as most chose to do, he'd also been away from anything that could have warned him his cosmic neighbourhood was going to have one. Were the circumstances less dire, he might have noted the irony that his Father went through the trouble to find out and he hadn't.

Unfortunately that did nothing to change the facts; he was going through the molt, and next to a paranormal investigator no less. True, he could probably hide the symptoms for a while, but when five o'clock rolled around there would be no disguising what was happening. Bill might not believe in the theory now, but it would be hard for him to deny it if he witnessed the molt firsthand. Unless….maybe the stars would align metaphorically as well and wherever they were going would have somewhere he could hide for a few seconds.

"So, what are going to be doing?" Dib asked, hoping he sounded more curious than desperate.

"We're investigating a crop circle" Bill answered "You know what those are, right?"

Dib nodded "So we're going to a farm then?" Bill nodded back and mistook the relieved smile spreading across Dib's face for one of excitement. This was perfect: not only would there likely be a huge barn for him to hide in, but if anything was noticed they were looking for aliens anyway, he could just claim they'd found a clue. Bill didn't know any specifics about _real_ aliens, he wouldn't be able to tell whether anything he saw was Dib or something else.

As the car sped towards its' destination Dib began to feel cautiously optimistic about how this outing would turn out.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim was being ferried to his assigned job in the basket of Simon's bicycle, apparently the teenager was still a few months away from being able to afford a car, when they pulled up in front of their destination. Zim grimaced as he took in the facade of the building, designed to look as if it were made of meat products, complete with an arch made of two bone-in ribs and a sign boasting of the billions of happy customers served, of which Zim was not one. Yes, he'd had the milkshake when Gir wanted to eat there, but it wasn't a particularly _good_ milkshake.

When he got inside it was even worse. He'd always been bothered by the smell of the restaurant when he visited with Gir and that was just in the dining room, from the kitchen it was positively overpowering from the moment he walked through the door. The room was littered with grills and deep fryers which not only filled the air with the scent of cooking meat, but left a layer of grime on everything else. Zim was utterly miserable at the thought of spending the entire day there, especially since the smell was already making him gag.

"Oh hey, if you have to be sick, do it in the garbage or in there" Simon said pointing to a large metal box.

"But that's the-" The words died in his throat as it sank in that Simon was pointing at a deep fryer. It was official, he hated this place.

"Er, Simon. I have...concerns about working the grill" Zim said through the hand clasped over his mouth and nose, wary eyeing the aforementioned deep fryer.

"Oh, you're not working the grill" Simon replied with a shake of his head "That's the next job up; you'll be handling the fries and milkshakes today, then you can get promoted to meat prep.

Zim immediately perked up at the mention of promotions "Tell me more" he urged as he eagerly peered over the counter.

"Well there's a promotion to meat prep, then from there you start taking the orders, and then from there to manager"

"And how high up could I potentially go?" Zim asked thoughtfully, the gears in his head already turning.

"Uh, once you're a manager you can move up to the office" Simon answered "I think then it's 4 promotions to CEO"

So about 8 promotions in total. A scheming grin was beginning to spread across Zim's face, if he could make it to the top of Mac Meaties, this would be a huge step towards ruling the world. Not for the usual notions about the power of corporate money, no, Zim would control something far more powerful: the flow of greasy fast food.

Perhaps this wouldn't be a complete waste of time after all.

* * *

"Well, what do you think?" Bill asked, his hands on his hips as he smiled, enraptured by the large crop circle the pair was overlooking from atop a hill and regarding it the way some might look at a scenic sunset.

"It's great!" Dib said awkwardly, it was considerably less awe inspiring when you actually knew what it meant. It was a message from aliens all right, in this case young, bored ones out for a joyride if the words 'Kritcha wuz here', poor spelling and all, and the crude drawing of a rude face were anything to go by.

The next few hours went by pleasantly enough, admittedly it got a lot better after Bill finished with the crop circle and moved to cryptid hunting; Dib had learnt from his misstep at the convention, but that didn't completely eliminate the urge to correct Bill. To the man's credit, he did get some things right about life off-planet, but he got so many things wrong as well that it was a relief when Dib no longer had to hold his tongue. Seriously, he couldn't think of a single species that would be even remotely interested in _conquering_ the Earth.

Cryptid hunting, on the other hand, was actually a lot of fun; he'd done it alone before since childhood, but never realised how much better having a partner made it, enough that he wasn't even disappointed that the werewolf they had been tracking turned out to be the farm owner's particularly hairy son. They were still keeping close enough to the barn that Dib could easily make an excuse and duck in there for his molt without drawing any attention when the time came, and altogether this was shaping up to be a pretty good day.

"Alright, I think we're done here" Bill stated with a tone of satisfaction at the day's work "Let's go, kid"

"What!? Already!? But what about, uh....that mailman! He looks like he might be a yeti!" Dib was mentally kicking himself, he knew he was grasping at straws but this was the worst possible time: before the equinox had passed, but not long enough before that he could get home before it happened.

"I know, there's always more to discover" Bill smiled "But we have to write up our findings, I'll tell you all about it in the car" Dib's initial dread returned tenfold as the car pulled away from the farm and onto the road back into town.

* * *

This wasn't too bad, it wasn't exactly what Zim would call good either, but for a situation that had been dropped on him just a few hours ago he was managing to navigate through it fairly well, and was starting to find his place.

That place being right next to the milkshake machine where the scent of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry helped mask that of the rest of the kitchen. Some might say that being anchored to the machine wasn't a real solution, but what did they know? The same went for anyone who argued that his plan failed to account for him eventually having to work the grill; perhaps the average fast food drone would, but he had no doubt that he would impress the manager enough to bypass the grill entirely and go straight to the drive though booth with its separate air supply.

His plan seemed to be going perfectly when he found himself put in charge of the store.

First the manager went for a break, then the second in command several minutes later; one by one his co-workers left until it was just him and Simon, who eventually followed his co-workers, leaving Zim alone. The reason for this was that everyone else had gone to watch as much of the equinox as they could see during the day, each leaving everyone under them to fend for themself until it was only Zim facing the fast food craving hordes.

Perfect.

Or at least it would be if it weren't for the smell. Even with it being a low traffic time, at least today as most were sky gazing outside, that ever present greasy meat smell was still stronger than Zim would have liked. But he could adapt. He poured a small amount of chocolate milkshake to take with him to the counter; not to drink but as his own version of a scented sachet to recreate the effect of being near the machine.

With that squared away he stepped up to the counter, confident that his ingenuity would impress the manager.

* * *

Dib was sweating bullets as Bill's car continued on to his office, heedless of its passenger's growing anxiety; less than 10 minutes until the equinox and he had nowhere to hide. "Bill, could we pull over? I, uh, I'm getting carsick!" He pleaded, in an effort to escape the vehicle "I need to use the bathroom! Please stop the car!" His words seemed to have no effect on the investigator as he sped onwards, Dib was on the verge of a panic attack when suddenly the car jerked to a stop.

Both passengers bolted from the car and began scanning the area, Dib for a place to hide, which he spotted in the form of a nearby Mac Meaties, and Bill for his long time nemesis: Count Cocoafang. Bill dug into his briefcase and retrieved his vampire hunting tools as he pushed his way past the line of children, ready to take on the presumed vampire.

"Oh no, not you again" the man playing Count Cocoafang said in an exaggerated Hungarian accent "Look, I just vant to take pictures vith the kiddies and sell cereal, please leave me alone"

"Why? So you can drain their sugary blood? I don't think so!" Bill said, likely imaging himself as some sort of unappreciated action hero. Had Dib not been preoccupied, he would have experienced some painful second hand embarrassment; his own childhood misadventures were one thing, but being an adult well into his 30s and still thinking this way...

"This is just like ven ve vere children" 'Cocoafang' sighed. He was skirting close to breaking character, but this guy had been bothering him for about 20 years now.

"You mean when you had everyone else fooled into thinking you were just really pale?" Bill shot back, pointing dramatically, wooden stake in the other hand. The gathered children all thought it was some sort of character show and crowded around the two men to watch, following after when 'Cocoafang' bolted and Bill chased after him.

With Bill distracted, Dib seized the opportunity and dashed into the Mac Meaties, he anxiously scanned the dining area to try and find a bathroom to hide in, and spotted a familiar looking child behind the counter, hovering near the milkshake machine.

"Zim!"

This succeeded in catching the boy's attention as Dib slipped under the divider to speak with him "Zim, I need you to get everyone out of the restaurant" Dib said in an urgent whisper "In about two minutes I'm going to molt, I'll turn into a giant blob for a few seconds and I don't want anyone to get hurt"

Zim looked stunned for a moment before distractedly handing him a key with a large, cow shaped key chain on it "You'll need this to get in"

"Thank you" Dib nodded as he took the key and ran inside. Zim supposed he should at least make an effort to fulfill Dib's request, though he doubted it would do any good; in his experience the only thing that could pry people away from their revolting fast food was the promise of _free_ revolting fast food. Still he climbed onto the counter, silently cursing how Dib was rubbing off on him as he struggled to pull himself up.

"Hear me now people of Mac Meaties!" Zim shouted from atop the counter, commanding the attention of the patrons "That guy who just ran into the bathroom told me you should all evacuate!" Everyone present made a face of disgust before returning to their business, having made incorrect assumptions as to what Zim had meant, but not phased enough to stop eating. Oh well, he tried. Zim quickly hopped back down, poured himself a milkshake, and hurried out the back door, completely ignoring the customer's complaints that the only person left behind the register was leaving, they had bigger problems they were ignoring right now.

As the clock struck 5 Dib felt the transformation begin to take hold, the rash on his neck grew almost unbearably itchy for a few moments and his heart pounded in his chest, though he couldn't be sure if it was due to the molt or the rush of adrenaline from anticipating it. Then everything went fuzzy. First he felt the underside of the sink he was hiding under pressing against him, then the feet of a couple of people in the stalls; that was good, if there were other people in the bathroom, it would be impossible for anyone outside to tell which of them it was.

The next second, the door was forced open and he numbly noted the feeling of people and glass pressed against him, apparently Zim hadn't succeeded in evacuating the restaurant....and now the security cameras were broken. He couldn't muster anything more than that, however, as his head felt like he was starting to fall asleep during a headache. Then, as quickly as it started, it stopped and he felt everything start returning to normal, his body pulled back into its normal shape and his mind came back into focus. He squinted at his hand and noted with some relief that the disguise was still running.

"Whoa! Are you alright, kid?" he heard a man asking a minute later, Dib groaned a half hearted yes as he took the offered hand and staggered to his feet. "Looks like that thing squished you into the floor, did you see what it was?" Dib shook his head 'no' as the janitor exited another stall.

"I reckon it was that mildew problem!" the janitor interjected "Darned mildew" Dib made a non-commital noise before staggering out the door with the other patrons.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim had found himself a reasonably safe place to wait out Dib's molt and it was not at all what he had been expecting. From the looks of it, the molt had started shortly after he'd left, as a few seconds after Zim had gotten settled in he saw a light indigo blob fill the windows and force the door open. He'd stared at the pulsing mass for a few moments, having trouble believing it was Dib, before it retreated back into the building. Well, he was officially put off the rest of his milkshake.

It wasn't just what he's witnessed, or even that the lingering heat of early fall was already causing the remaining beverage to undergo a hideous transformation of its own, rather the implications of what happened. From the first day Dib attended his school, Zim had assumed that everyone was too oblivious to ever realise that Dib was an alien, he'd even said as much back then.

For the first time Zim understood just how precarious Dib's situation was. The Vortian was exploring completely unknown territory, in a place that shouldn't have any idea that he exists as anything but the facade he presented them with. Even without that, it was pure luck he was compatible enough with Earth's environment to be able to survive here at all. And here Zim was the only one who really knew the truth, besides Gir anyways; he'd never really thought about just how much power he had over Dib, that he could potentially expose him or at least threaten to if he wanted.

But even now that had occurred to him, he found he didn't want to, and that even giving the idea serious thought felt somehow....not right.

He kicked at the paper milkshake cup on the ground in irritation: stupid conscience.

Well, it should be safe to go back inside now. Zim carefully opened the door and peered inside, Dib had returned to normal but the restaurant looked like a disaster zone: everything that wasn't bolted down had been knocked over, littering the floor with half eaten hamburgers, crushed sauce packets, and spilled drinks. While he was taking in the sight of the incredible mess the Mac Meaties had become, Simon returned from his break and gasped in shock at the state of his workplace. As he scanned the dining area he and Zim had a brief moment of eye contact from opposite ends of the building, which the latter broke the silence of.

"Oh by the way, I quit" Zim said before running off, he could conquer the world without the aid of Mac Meaties, and when he did fast food restaurants the world over would tremble in fear of him...Not to mention he'd dodged cleaning that horrendous mess. Victory for Zim!

* * *

Later that evening, everything had settled down: Bill had once again failed to capture Count Cocoafang, Dib had enjoyed hearing the rest of the publishing lecture much more now that the equinox had ended and gotten Bill to drop him off at the grocery store, he was still wary of letting him know where he lived, and now he was nearly home.

Walking down the quiet suburban streets, semi-aware of the families and friends gathering to try and make the most of the lingering remnants of the summer weather, allowed Dib to reflect on everything that happened over the day. He wasn't sure whether to mark this down as simple carelessness on his part for not checking before going out, bad luck that he was in range of Earth's equinox when it happened, or good luck that his secret stayed safe despite it all. Either way it had been an emotional roller coaster alternating between fun and stressful.

Now he was nearly home and could see the boys enjoying the last few hours of sunlight: Gir was filling the driveway with drawings and hopscotch games as Zim supervised while working on a project in the garage. It was quite sweet actually, seeing them having fun together the way most children would, and it gave his train of thought a little nudge; today probably hadn't been much better for Zim, looking at where he'd had to spend it, and he _did_ really help Dib by letting him hide. Which gave him an idea….

"Hello!" Gir greeted, pulling Dib from his thoughts "Lookit what I drew!" The drawings he was pointing to appeared to be of two peanuts with stick figure limbs. "Peanut man 1 is a peanut peanut and Peanut man 2 is a foam peanut"

"That's really...creative, Gir! Good job" Dib praised. Honestly he always felt a little awkward assessing children's drawings, in part because he wasn't that great at drawing himself, and part because he wasn't especially sure what to expect unless it was obviously good beyond their years. Though going by Gir's happy reaction, he seemed satisfied with his answer "Just give me a minute to talk to your brother and you can show me the rest later"

Currently, Zim was scrutinising his plans for another device, though it was difficult to tell where his look of contemplation ended and brooding over the day began.

"Hello Zim" Dib smiled; no angry monologue so far, which was good for what he was about to suggest "I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you helping me out earlier, you really saved me. So if you want, I can give you a flying lesson after dinner" he offered "I could even show you a couple of flying tricks"

For a brief moment Zim's expression showed that he very much wanted a flying lesson before he reigned it in to raising an eyebrow incredulously "_You_, teach _me_ flying maneuvers?"

"Hey! I can be fun!" Dib said in a tone of mock defensiveness. "And the best way to learn how to fly one of these is being shown"

"Zim needs no demonstration!" the boy replied theatrically, though without any malice "But I accept" he added with a smile. This was more comfortable than the realisation from before; of course he never thought to blackmail Dib, there was no need to. Yes. Not that he was glad to have somebody being invested in his well being and would feel bad about threatening them. He was utterly ruthless, after all. Really!

Besides, everything was surprisingly nice as it was, and admittedly he was curious to see what the Vortian considered stunt flying....After he installed Gir's car seat, Gir loved these things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have fan art again (^.^) This time it's by EarthPup of scenes from the first and second chapters, I've reblogged it in the usual tag, but EarthPup has a tumblr page as well, it's under the same name if you want to send a bit of love. As usual, you can see it at the end of the notes, too
> 
> There's a few things I had a lot of fun with here, namely the fight between Bill & Count Cocoafang; when I was re-watching the episode I got the idea of his feud with him going back to attending school with the guy wearing the costume and him being a bit of a warning for how show Dib could turn out if he keeps jumping to conclusions about his classmates (We see in "Mysterious Mysteries" that Zim isn't the first classmate he's bothered, he's just the first one he's been right about). There's also Bill's rant about organic labels being based on a real thing; my mom has a friend who started coming up with a lot of conspiracy theories the past few years, honestly it can make it a little stressful when there's a call I can overhear, but this one was funny....though I just realised it probably makes it obvious that I live in Canada. (^.^')
> 
> Again, thank you to the commentor that gave me the idea to slip Zim having a way he can look out for Dib; right away I thought of Zim actively helping to protect Dib's identity, and I think it makes their friendship feel a bit more balanced.
> 
> I hope all of you enjoyed it, stay safe everyone (-^.^-)


	20. Can't Live Without It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally back! I hope all of you are doing well.
> 
> This took much longer to post than I would have liked, I already mentioned this on my blog, but everything was delayed by end of the school term, since this was the final term of classes it was really busy for the last few weeks. Especially since one of the assignments involved using software I'd never used before and had a lot of technical problems with. But, now I'm a two time college graduate (^.^) and I had a job interview earlier today, too.
> 
> So this time we have something special, the first chapter based off one of the unfinished episodes. I don't have plans for ALL the unfinished ones, but a good handful of them caught my attention. Anyway, I have an important message in the end notes.

There are some parents that typically don't punish their children and instead allow events to take their course, as long as the consequences themselves aren't too severe. Typically natural consequences either teach children cause & effect, and why they should or shouldn't do something through first hand experience, or failing that to at least have very good problem solving skills as a result of trying to offset the outcome of their poor choices.

Zim's parents had favoured this when he was little, along with explaining what could happen when the potential risks of letting him find out for himself were too steep, and Zim had typically walked away with the latter outcome of improved problem solving. As such there were more than a few lessons he'd never internalised, among them being the importance of patience and the consequences of not taking the time to pay attention.

* * *

A school field trip to the local museum had just finished up, and as usual, Zim rushed to the front of the line. Plowing down any classmates that got in his way to retrieve his backpack from the museum bag check first, the same way he had when dropping it off to get his number '01' ticket. Today was an unfortunate mix of a field trip, which often ended late, and being the same day as cadets was; making the margin of time to get there before the start much smaller than normal and resulting in Zim practically bouncing in place as he awaited the bag-check clerk with all the patience of a boiling kettle.

The moment he was handed the opaque dark green trash bag the museum typically used to protect items in their care, he whipped it off without so much as looking at the backpack inside before hastily throwing it on and sprinting out the door to make the shuttle bus.

Dib was much further back in the line and still musing over the trip, which hadn't made quite the same impact on him as the other students, or rather his reaction had been the reverse of everyone else's.

While most of the children considered the geology portion of the tour to be 'a bunch of dumb, boring rocks', Dib had been pouring over the informative plaques, completely engrossed in learning what elements were found on earth and the many ways they combined. Conversely, everyone had loved the planetarium as the closest thing most of them would ever get to space travel, while for Dib it was like a local history museum in a small town; enjoyable enough, but never quite letting you forget how tiny a corner of the world it focused on.

Besides, he preferred to watch the real night sky.

He continued to remain lost in his thoughts as his turn came, he handed his ticket over and the bag containing his backpack was retrieved. He was jarred back to the present by the sudden and unexpected weight of the bag in his arms: far too heavy to be his own backpack, so much so that he could barely lift it. After dragging it out of the way of the next student in line, he removed the cover and was greeted by the familiar shiny grey and pink of Zim's backpack.

* * *

In the time it had taken Dib to get to the front of the line, Zim had already boarded the shuttle bus and was well on his way into town. Normally he despised riding these things, but practice typically started in about half an hour and he didn't want to be late; the fact that the group leaders had to make the exact same trip he did and nothing could start without them was completely ignored. Besides, the fact that these buses were owned by the museum and thus had fewer people riding the experience just a little more tolerable, fewer people meant less people germs.

He decided to have a bar of chocolate before practice and removed his backpack to retrieve it, as he did he noticed the motion didn't feel quite the same as it normally would, a few seconds later he found out why as he realised this was clearly not his backpack.

Panic instantly took hold; if this wasn't his backpack, somebody else had it and was getting their filthy meat hands all over it. Not to mention all his supplies were in there: his bottled water & snacks were inconvenient to lose, but he could buy some on the way easily enough. But it also had his hand sanitiser, his paste (true it wasn't going to rain today, but still), and most importantly his allergy medication, _all_ his allergy medication. What if something happened when he didn't have it?

Suddenly he felt far less secure than he normally would...and than he cared to acknowledge.

His heart started pounding and he felt as if the walls were closing in on him as a dozen different worst case scenarios competed for attention, with the one coherent thought to break through the growing cloud of panic being an all consuming urge to escape. If he had given the matter a little thought, he would have realised this was a bad idea and that the best course of action would be to wait for the bus to return so he could find out where his backpack was. But at the moment it was still moving away from the museum, and his brain was too busy panicking at this and producing adrenaline to bother with thinking that far ahead.

"STOP THE BUS!" Zim shrieked "I need to get off! Stop it now!"

"Calm down kid, there's a stop coming up in a minute"

"I don't care! I have to get off now, my backpack- this is the wrong one! I need it!" He felt like he was going to throw up.

Whether it was what he was screaming, or the volume he was screaming at, or the possibility of having someone literally worry themselves sick on his bus, the driver complied and pulled over. As soon as it stopped, Zim dashed out and the fresh air helped clear his thoughts, enough for him to realise his mistake. More screaming ensued as he tried to get the driver to return, but by then he was too far away for even Zim's impressive shouting to reach.

He was pulled from his adrenaline fueled tirade by the sound of a phone ringing inside the bag; whoever had his backpack must be calling their own phone. Determined to give the culprit a piece of his mind, he dug through the bag, following the sound of the ringing and completely ignoring the normally familiar looking contents. For all his boasting about his superior powers of observation, they certainly switched to some odd settings, often at the worst possible times. That his own name was listed as the caller, implying it was somebody he knew, was similarly brushed aside in favour of delivering a firm reprimand to whoever deigned to set their hands on his backpack.

"Listen here you little thief! You _will_ return my backpack to me now, or I will hunt you down and destroy you with my bare hands!" Zim shouted "You will not know peace until my backpack has been returned to me!"

"It's nice to hear from you too, spaz boy" Dib deadpanned, clearly unimpressed by the boy's threats; really he wasn't surprised that Zim was stressed and had held the phone at arm's length in preparation for the inevitable yelling. If nothing else his comment seemed to have caught Zim's attention well enough.

"Dib? I don't have time to talk to you now, someone has stolen my backpack" Zim replied far more calmly than he sounded before, as if a switch had been flipped to completely change his tone "I need you to keep an eye open for whoever took it, if see them, tackle them to the ground for me and call me back"

Dib buried his face in one hand, this kid could be really thick sometimes. "Nobody stole it, Zim, the bag check people mixed up our backpacks. You were at the front of the line this morning, right? My card's number 10, so that might be why" He said in an effort to calm Zim down. "Anyway, I have your backpack with me, it's right here, take a deep breath and calm down" The instructions were completely ignored, but the knowledge that his bag was with someone he trusted at least made Zim feel a little better. "I'll keep it safe until you get here"

"Whaaaaat!? No. No! NO! I can't be without it that long!" And there went what little calm he'd gained.

"It'll be faster if you come pick it up" Dib explained "This thing's too heavy for me to move, I can barely lift it"

"You don't understand! Everything is in there! My water, my medication- The bees are getting ready for winter, Dib! Do you have _any_ idea how aggressive that makes them!?" The panic was clear in Zim's voice, and Dib felt genuinely bad for him, but there was only so much he could do over the phone, especially since this conversation was quickly becoming one sided. After a minute the boy growled in frustration "Fine Dib, I'll meet you halfway"

"You _do_ realise that would still take longer, right?"

"The bees, Dib! The **Beeeeeees!**" How did he do that without destroying his voice?

"Alright, fine I'll figure something out" Dib sighed, before switching to a more reassuring tone "There's a park on Maple Street with some stores on the other side of the road, wait for me in one of those, that should be fairly safe"

* * *

It was easy enough to say he'd bring it there, but actually doing so was another story. The bag really was too heavy for him to move, and at this point he wasn't sure how he was going to get it out the door, let alone all the way to Maple Street.

On top of that, there was something about this that had him worried. Zim had sounded absolutely frantic on the phone, whatever he was so upset about was probably important; unfortunately with Zim the importance of a matter was inversely proportional to how well he was able to communicate about it, so he'd likely only get an answer when Zim felt he was backed into a proverbial corner and circumstances forced him to give one.

Upon dragging the backpack through the door, Dib gave a discouraged sigh as he saw just how far he had left to go. The parking lot stretched out before him like a vast field of friction, and he still had to drag it down the street and to the park after that, preferably without destroying the fabric in the process. Was all this stuff really necessary? This might explain why Zim was so short though; originally he thought it might have been due to poor nutrition since the boy had been living off of junk food, but maybe it was because growing involved overcoming both gravity and the weight of the bag.

Dib's musing were interrupted by spotting the solution to his problem as, right there, only a few feet away, was Torque Smackey.

Despite what his name and physique implied, Torque was one of the more decent children in the class; perhaps a bit unaware of his own strength and where he was in time & space, and by no means a shining beacon of humanity, but a reasonable enough guy. Dib had talked to him a few times and been partnered off with him for an in-class assignment once, so while they weren't what he'd call friends, he liked his chances of getting help from him. At least better than his chances of getting the bag to Zim in a reasonable delay by himself.

"Hey, Torque! Could you lend me your muscles for a minute?" Dib called "I need help with this backpack!"

Torque shrugged and walked over, in one smooth motion he picked up the backpack and put it on Dib, who comedically began to slowly tip backwards like a scene out of a cartoon. He struggled for a moment to free his arms from the strap and right himself before elaborating

"I meant could you help me carry it, I need to get this to the park on Maple"

"Can't" Torque replied "We're leaving to clean my grandparents' garage this weekend, sorry dude" he gave a distracted shrug as he fastened his helmet and pulled out a skateboard from his own bag.

"Can you at least lend me the skateboard?" Dib asked "I can bring it back to your place or whatever, but they switched my bag with Zim's and I can't get it back on my own"

"Zim left a note on my door calling me a meathead this summer" Torque said in a tone that, while no different from his usual way of speaking, made Dib certain Zim was about to feel the wrath of natural consequences. "I like meat" or maybe not. "But I can't, this skateboard's special to me, you know?"

"I promise I'll take good care of it, but I'm really stuck, I just talked to Zim and he was freaking out about it. I just need something with wheels to put under it!" Dib pleaded.

"My favourite cousin gave me this after he got a new one" Torque said as if this explained everything.

This was where being an adult surrounded by children was out right frustrating; while Dib was aware that at this stage the brain wasn't fully developed, and for the most part his classmates had to make do with whatever capacity for empathy they were born with, that didn't make it any less exasperating. He could understand being reluctant to trust another person with something that held sentimental value, but for crying out loud, there was another person having a nervous breakdown, that was far more important than a stupid skateboard.

Then a thought occurred to him, maybe it was his old bad habits flaring up, or maybe just the influence of others around him that used the ends to justify the means, but he didn't have much choice. "Torque, I'm really, really sorry about this" he hurriedly said as he swept his foot under Torque's, tripping him, and quickly grabbed the skateboard, slipped it under the bag, and ran as fast as possible, towing the bag behind him.

He had a few factors working in his favour; he knew from his research that human males tended to build upper body strength more easily and had a higher center of gravity than females, who were more inclined to lower body strength. Vortians, on the other hand, all tended to have stronger leg muscles than upper body, and the difference in center of gravity was far less pronounced as both could ram, and needed to be able to stay balanced when doing so.

While Dib was in decent shape, he doubted he could take Torque on in hand to hand combat, but he could definitely out run him for several minutes.

* * *

Zim could feel his heart rate rising along with his adrenaline levels as he glanced around at the street signs, trying to keep his mind focused long enough to determine his route. Being separated from his allergy medications was making him acutely aware of just how many things he needed them for.

Children with chronic conditions tend to develop a sort of acceptance of their situation as their norm, where regular treatments and hospital visits are just as much a normal part of their routine as an after school club. Most quickly adapt and accept either that this is what they need to do to be cured, or that there is no cure and all they can do is keep going and hope one will be discovered.

Zim's allergies were not like this and there was only so much of an internal locus of control to be had; his immune system didn't care how a perceived threat got there, just that it had. Whether it was him knowingly eating something he shouldn't, or somebody having used the same utensils to make something he was allergic to and not washing it after, made no difference. There were some steps he could take to reduce the risk, but the fact was that he could do everything right and still suffer because of somebody else's misstep. And he hated it.

Normally he'd bury that knowledge under equal parts preparedness and arrogance, expecting people to screw up because that's just what other people did, and planning accordingly. But now that preparedness had been taken away from him and without it he felt aggravatingly vulnerable, as if he'd just been dropped into the wilderness with nothing but the clothes on his back.

Even worse that it was fall, while many people loved this time of year and waxed poetic about the colours of the season, crisp, cool air, and day & night in perfect balance, to Zim it was three months of utter misery. Those fall leaves everyone loved so much only stayed colourful for a short time before falling on the ground and growing mouldy, something facilitated by the lack of sunlight and abundance of cold rain. Zim was certain stocks in PVA glue rose every fall from how often he had to apply it this time of year, unfortunately while it prevented a skin reaction, it did nothing to keep out the unpleasant cold. And that wasn't even getting into animals….

Taking a quick look at his surroundings, everywhere he looked all he saw was a minefield of contamination. Part of the reason he'd fallen into an obsessive fear of germs so easily after seeing that video several months ago was that it tapped into a pattern of thought and behavior that was already deeply ingrained in his psyche to see the world as inherently unsafe. A deep, calming breath followed: the way was clear, he'd be fine, he just had to be careful.

He started off at a pace used for long distance running, brisk, but not fast enough to risk using too much energy right away. After a couple of blocks he was still making good time and expected he'd get there quickly, and be able to wait for Dib in the relative safety of the stores. Then he saw _it_: the little black and yellow clad cretin was only a few meters away, impossibly hovering by the sidewalk as if she owned it.

"**Beeeeee!**" he screeched as he searched for a way to avoid the insect; under no circumstances was he just going to walk past it, and there were no crosswalks between him and the bee. Going back wasn't an option either in his eyes, so instead he took the most direct route, crossing from where he was on a diagonal.

He had to cross the street at some point anyway to get to the shops, this was fine.

The driver who had to swerve to avoid hitting him and crashed into a fountain might disagree, fortunately nobody was injured and only the car was damaged, granting Zim the dubious honor of having destroyed 4 automobiles before being old enough to drive one.

* * *

This may not have been one of Dib's better ideas. It certainly paled in comparison to some of the ones he'd acted upon while growing up, but compared to his track record as an adult it was definitely a step backwards.

So far he'd managed to keep a good amount of distance between himself and Torque, but he hadn't lost the boy entirely. At least the frequent cries of 'Skateboard' made it easy to tell where he was, acting as a rudimentary form of echolocation specifically for keeping track of him. Naturally this was where Dib would hit a stumbling point, namely that the light changed before he could cross the street, allowing Torque the opportunity to catch up to him.

Thinking quickly, he faked a turn in the opposite direction and ducked into a nearby bush, holding his breath as Torque followed his false trail to avoid tipping him off. "Skateboard!" the calling was starting to get further away. Dib cautiously crept out of the bushes, taking care to keep the wheels from making more noise than could be avoided and maneuvered so he would be hidden by the bulk of a man with a broad build and smile, wearing a brightly patterned shirt. He glanced over his shoulder at the large man and did a 'shh' gesture which the man replied to with a nod of his head; a few moments later the light changed and Dib took off across the street.

Like a trained dog, Torque whipped around at the sound of the wheels clattering against the pavement and followed after "Skateboooard!" He made it into the intersection before the light changed, but that was fine, Dib was already across, and he wasn't trying to lose Torque altogether, just to keep enough distance between them to get to the park and drop off Zim's bag.

* * *

It turned out running while having a panic attack was really draining.

After his run-in with the evil death bee, Zim had taken off in an adrenaline fueled sprint to get to the comparative safety of the stores without another incident, his window of perception narrowed to scanning for two things: the turns he needed to take, and any potential threats. Even without the usual weight of his backpack, the stress was taking enough of a toll to more than compensate, and by the time the park and neighbouring row of stores came into view he felt like his heart and lungs were being pulled towards them and the rest of his body was just running to keep up and avoid them from being ripped out.

As soon as he made it through the door of the nearest shop he staggered into a corner, allowing the cool, white walls to give him a bit of relief before letting himself slowly sink into sitting on the floor. For once he was too exhausted to care whether or not the floor in question was dirty. Now that the surge of adrenaline subsided, he had nothing left: his legs were shaking, even without having to support him, his throat burned, and his head was so foggy he felt like his brain had been removed and he was slowly dying without it.

After a minute or so he calmed down enough to form a coherent thought: he needed water, antihistamines, and a bar of chocolate. Dib always kept a bit of cash in one of the pockets of his own backpack, he was fairly sure he wouldn't mind Zim using some for this. It spoke volumes of how drained the boy was that he couldn't be bothered with his usual justification process, fortunately it wasn't necessary. And with that he slowly rose to his feet and went to find his supplies.

Things were slightly better in the controlled environment of the grocery store, but it still left him feeling ill at ease as his safety was left in the hands of complete strangers. He cautiously wandered through the aisles as if he were navigating a halloween haunted house as he searched for the candy section. When he rounded the corner he was faced with a sample booth offering salad dressing with baby carrots to dip in it, he barely registered the person's offer to give him one as his eyes fell on the bottle of dressing: it was that one brand from Florida.

"GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE!" Zim screamed, despite the sample tray being nowhere near it, before darting into the next aisle. This one contained the corner store's modest pharmaceutical section and Zim breathed a sigh of relief that things were starting to go his way again; he was certain he'd feel better once he had the security of having his medication on hand. He carefully picked his way along the shelf as he searched for the antihistamines, skipping over the locked portion, until he reached the end without finding it.

That was weird, he tried walking along the other way, but he still couldn't find it. Zim groaned in irritation that he'd have to find an employee, fortunately it only took a quick glance and a bit of screaming to find one and have them come over.

"You, staff member! Where are the allergy medications?" Zim half panted, half screamed once the employee arrived, dissolving into pained squeaking as the clerk pointed to the locked portion of the shelves "Why would you lock- Open it! Open it now! I don't have mine!"

"The pharmacy guy left already and took the keys with him" the clerk replied, more than a little perturbed by the child's outburst.

"Then break it open! There's sample trays, and I am _not_ going to risk expiring in this store because of **you!**" He had more he wanted to scream, so much more, but all he managed to get out was a coughing fit from trying to shout when his throat was dry.

The clerk ran off and returned with a bottle of water, which Zim drank half of in one shot. "Are you alright?" The clerk asked "Do you need us to call your family?"

"I am fine" Zim panted, wiping the excess water away with the back of his hand "Everything will be fine once Dib gets here with my backpack" He quickly staggered away towards the window: no sign of Dib. He spotted a bathroom nearby, one that opened outwards and hid inside, he didn't want people to be able to see him like this.

His hands were trembling as he pulled out the communicator and called Dib, the short wait for him to pick up was pure torture, but soon he was rewarded by the reassuringly familiar sound of Dib's voice "Zim?" He sounded like he was running and in the background he could hear someone yelling what sounded like 'skateboard'

"Where are you!?" Zim asked, silently cursing the cracking he could not keep out of his voice. "Everything's horrible! There was a bee on the way here, the leaves are going mouldy, and the store locks up their allergy medication! Why would they lock it up!? They have sample tables with Florida salad dressing!" His head was resting in one hand with his fingers slipping into a fistful of hair, keep it together "Why does everything want to hurt Zim? I just wanted a chocolate bar~"

"It's alright, everything's going to be fine. I'm almost there now" Dib assured the boy, who sounded like he was trying desperately not to start crying. "I just have to make this last turn and then it's a straight shot to the park, wait by the window and I'll be there soon" He genuinely felt bad for Zim, it was plain in his voice that he had been having a rough time and he really wanted to help, but there wasn't much of anything he could do until he got there.

As soon as the call ended both of them sprinted, Dib around the corner and directly to the park, and Zim to the window. It only took a minute for him to spot Dib towing his backpack, but the moment he did, he ran out the door to close the last bit of distance between them.

As Dib handed off the backpack he noticed what a mess Zim was: hair and clothes far more disheveled than the fastidious boy would normally allow, his face made him look terribly unwell with colour & pallor in all the wrong places, and none of his usual spark shone through his tired eyes. On top of that, he looked like he was about to collapse at any moment, Dib would have been deeply worried if Zim hadn't instantly perked up the moment he had his bag again.

He knew better than to expect a typical show of gratitude, but seeing the way Zim reacted upon finally being reunited with his backpack; looking like he had been drowning in the ocean and Dib had just dropped a life preserver in front of him, he knew the boy had appreciated it in his own Zim way.

"Skate booooaaaard!" Torque called as he caught up to Dib.

"Would you shut up about your stupid skateboard!?" Zim shouted, picking the skateboard up and throwing it at Torque, the flat side hit him in the solar plexus, not with enough force to cause serious damage, but enough to knock the wind out of him. Dib went between looking on in stunned silence as Torque fell onto the grass, and doing the same watching Zim as he frantically dug through his backpack searching for something. He took advantage of the break to quickly reach into his own bag, write out a thank you/apology note for Torque, and leave it in his hand along with a package of jerky as a peace offering.

By now Zim had apparently found what he was looking for, as all the tension seemed to leave his body and he sighed in relief that the item he'd been searching for was where he'd left it. This both confused and worried Dib: Zim knew he wouldn't tamper with his belongings, didn't he? Especially if it was something important enough to be this worried about.

A few seconds later Zim pulled out the item, a clear plastic tube with a bright coloured cap and something inside. He nervously turned it over in his hands and inspected it as if he were trying to confirm it was, in fact, there.

It took a moment for Dib to realise what he was looking at; he'd seen a couple of posters and it had been mentioned in first aid training. "Zim, is that-"

A gloved hand promptly clasped over Dib's mouth "Not in front of the trash monkey!" Zim hissed. He grabbed Dib's wrist and led him off as he anxiously looked for somewhere less public, quietly cursing that there wasn't enough time to go home and unwind before having to pick Gir up, despite usually picking him up later on practice day while Gir played at a friend's house.

"Zim, it's alright, I know what it is" Dib reassured "I wish you had told me you had one that serious, what if I'd accidentally exposed you to something?"

"It's not a food allergy, Dib" Zim answered in the tone of somebody trying to pass fear off as anger, one that weighed on Dib's mind. He knew it was probably less a matter of talking to him as it was doing so in Torque's presence, but the secrecy Zim built up around discussing his allergies was always worrisome. The underlying mindset that he couldn't trust most with the knowledge was bad enough, but he was also putting himself in danger, especially if he had one severe enough to need an epipen.

Then it clicked, and what Zim had been screaming about before finally made sense "It's the bee sting allergy, isn't it?" Dib asked quietly, the way Zim tensed at the question and squeezed his wrist tighter told the Vortian he'd struck a nerve.

"It's _precautionary_" Zim said, his voice even and serious "I've never been stung by a bee, and I don't plan to be" apparently he had elected to explain things as he went to pick up Gir "But my dad's uncle died from going into shock the first time he was stung by one, so he panicked when we found out I had allergies too. You've seen that machine in the workroom upstairs, it has a life support feature he added...Just in case" His voice sounded slightly shaken towards the end, but he quickly pushed it back down as he continued "There _is_ a genetic history, so it's not completely unfounded"

The rest of the journey to the preschool passed in uncomfortable silence, Zim had clamped up as he so often did after sharing something personal, needing time to adjust to the idea of another person knowing something he typically kept to himself.

Dib didn't mind, he needed time to think too. It wasn't that he'd have to do anything drastically different; he wouldn't even have to learn to use the epipen, he already knew how from first aid, it was more that it triggered a certain memory. He wasn't sure why, the parallels weren't particularly strong, but sometimes the mind makes jumps you wouldn't expect.

"We're almost there" Zim said, trying to regain some of normalcy "Don't tell Gir about this. My dad was traumatised by what happened to his uncle, and he was already 9" Though he kept his volume low, the tone of his voice said that there was no room for negotiation "Gir's about half as old, and I'm always there, I'm the one that looks after him I...don't want him to know yet...that somebody he depends on..."

"I won't tell him" Dib promised "But you shouldn't wait too long to say something about it. Trust me, I speak from experience when I say it's a lot less scary to be told something could happen than find out because it happened in front of you"

The experience in question was the earlier days of his mother's condition, the confusion that came from not understanding how she could be fine yesterday and then not be fine today, or that it could happen at all. She was his mom, parents were supposed to be invulnerable, weren't they? Having some idea what was happening and what could be done to help had made things easier for him, or at least, being put in charge of reminding when she had to take her medication made him feel like there was something he was doing to help and regain some feeling of control. Even if she usually remembered to take them without him.

Part of him wondered if how Gaz was now came at least in part from her being the first to realise when the pills weren't working anymore, it certainly marked the start of her seeing Dib as an incurable optimist...

The tension of the day was promptly diffused by Gir running up to greet the two of them and showing off the castle he'd made out of construction paper and toilet paper rolls with carefree enthusiasm. Maybe it was the mood he was in, but Dib felt as if something was different this time, Zim didn't stiffen at being hugged the way he normally did, he held Gir's hand a little tighter and the two walked a bit closer on the way home.

Dib decided not to press the issue, but he emphasised that he'd be free to talk if something was bothering either of them as they reached the spot where their paths diverged and parted ways for the evening.

* * *

Zim sat alone on the sofa with a mug of hot chocolate cradled close to his chest. Once things had calmed down a little he'd been able to be disappointed at missing his cadets group, but after everything that happened he simply had nothing left and had let himself sink into the sofa as soon as he returned. He'd called to say he couldn't make it while Gir was watching TV; it was fine, he was one of the best members of the group, Red & Purple would understand, he'd assured himself, unaware that the twins were more than alright with it.

He took a sip of his hot chocolate and frowned into the cup as he found he felt just as tense as he had before. Today had been particularly unsettling, and nothing he tried was working to help him repress the lingering anxiety caused by being separated from his backpack or telling Dib about the bees. True, by this point he trusted him with knowledge of his...Problem. True, Dib had already known about Zim's confirmed allergies for months, but that didn't mean he had to be alright with talking about it.

He glanced down as he became aware of a weight in his hand: he was holding the phone from before and had dialed his parents' personal number. He shot another small frown at his hand "I don't remember giving you permission to do that"

Still, it wasn't an _entirely_ unwelcome idea. He remembered when he was little there had been a few...upsetting moments and his parents' presence afterward had been...welcome. Not that he had been frightened by any early childhood experiences, not even the first allergic reaction he'd had, not in the slightest. He certainly wasn't feeling vulnerable from having been separated from his bag during a particularly hazardous time of the year. Nor was he subconsciously seeking comfort, really.

Then again, nothing he had tried so far was working...It might be nice to at least _talk_ to them about everything that happened. Perhaps they would have some input to offer, the number had been dialed and everything, all he had to do was press the green button...

He pressed the red one.

"Gir-" his voice came out as more of a squeak than he'd wanted, he took a deep breath in and out to bring it back to normal before trying again. "Gir! There's hot chocolate, come down here if you want some!" he shouted, opting to go with the familiarity of Gir's company over venturing into the unknown territory of calling his parents.

A few seconds later he was rewarded by the sound of Gir scampering into the living room and onto the sofa, the little boy took his mug and settled next to his older brother. "You OK?" he asked innocently.

"Of course I am! Why would you think otherwise?" Zim replied with his signature false bravado, not realising that having been around him his entire life meant that Gir could see right through it. Or to use Gir's own name for it, that he could tell when his older brother 'Was saying two different things at the same time'

"You don't feel OK" Gir stated "You haven't felt OK since you picked me up"

Zim stiffened at this, for all his preschooler silliness and seeming nonsequetors, Gir could be surprisingly astute, able to lock onto the heart of the issue; he certainly had an uncanny ability to do so as far as Zim was concerned. Even more jarring was that he didn't seem to be aware of it, he just tossed out his deeper insights the same way he did casual observations. In the time it had taken him to go from startled by Gir's observation, to grasping for a response, to annoyed that he'd picked up on something he didn't even want to admit to himself, Gir had brought him back to surprised again as the younger child ran off, returned, and dropped a toy pig in his lap.

"Hugging Piggy always makes me feel better when I'm upset" Gir explained "If you want, you can borrow him"

This problem was a bit too big for that, and piggy was strictly Gir's comfort toy, but Zim decided to humour the younger child by picking it up and giving it a quick squeeze before handing it back. Gir gave him an appraising look and ran off again, this time returning in a baggy pink garment: his pig costume.

"That didn't look like it helped, you need a bigger one" Gir explained as he climbed onto the sofa and wriggled under Zim's arm before hugging him, the two of them sat like this for a minute before Zim remembered what Dib had said earlier. He knew the alien had a point, and Gir _had_ been good about the allergies he knew about, he took a deep breath and thought for a minute, carefully choosing his words before he spoke.

"Gir, I'm going to tell you about something very important, so I need you to listen carefully" he received a nod and tiny salute from Gir, who looked up at him to show he was focusing. "Remember when we went to the park that one time, how you wanted to show me the beehive you found and we went home right away?"

"Uh huh, you took me to the big MacMeaties so I could play in the tunnels instead!" Gir chirped in response.

"That's right" Zim nodded "Do you know why we had to leave?"

"You didn't want us to get stung right?" Gir answered "It hurts, but it's not so bad, I got stung when I was playing with Meef & Moofy once, and my teacher says it hurts the bees more than it hurts people, so they try not to sting if they don't have to"

"That's...true" Zim was a bit surprised by all of this, Gir never told him he'd been stung before, though at least that eliminated having to worry about him having the allergy as well "But for some people it's...different, some people are allergic to bees, and I might be one of them-"

"Like the meat thing, right?" Gir chimed in "Don't worry, I'll remember: no meat and no bee stings"

"Yes Gir, like the meat thing" he held back from mentioning it could be much worse, Gir understood as much as he needed to for now "Now how about you go get your bunny book?"

Gir lit up at this "We're gonna do reading practice?"

Zim nodded "Yes Gir, we're going to practice your reading"

Gir cheered as he ran off to get his book, after he returned with it the two of them settled onto the sofa. For the next while they read together with Zim asking Gir to find certain words and Gir beaming up at him whenever he did, especially when he found one he couldn't read before. By the time they were finished a calm, comforting atmosphere had settled over the house, including Zim, and everything began to feel just a bit more normal again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, remember when I said there would be a couple of "Darn It Zim!" moments along the way in regards to Zim & his parents? This was one of them.
> 
> I do have another announcement to make before we go, I'm probably doing to need three weeks instead of two for the next couple of updates, just so I have the chance to finish some of the ones I'm working on now and to try and avoid another long gap like this one. But to make up for this and the long wait between chapters, I've opened up an ask game on my tumblr (Poppun-chan), I believe anonymous messages are enabled so you can participate even if you don't have an account.
> 
> It's a bit funny though, originally I was debating adapting the unfinished episodes even though I had some ideas for them, but I'm really glad that I did....Though I didn't expect this one to be posted in relatively quick succession to chapter 2 of the prequel when I wrote both....and Zim's perception of buses and just seeing things outside of his house as contaminated has aged a little oddly since I first wrote it.
> 
> Also every so often there's something that sounds like an exaggeration made to get closer to the tone of the show, but is depressingly unexaggerated, one of the chains of grocery stores here actually does lock up part of their pharmacy section, including the allergy medication, outside of certain hours. It's not prescription and gets a little weird when you realise things like antacids & gummy vitamins aren't locked up when those don't really get purchased during an emergency.
> 
> On a lighter note, Dib having a bit of jerky on hand isn't pulled from nowhere, if you look at one of the shots in the restaurant from "The Frycook" you can one eating a roll of sausage.
> 
> One little in-joke from this chapter is the guy from the cross walk; in the original script there's a sumo wrestler standing on the corner that Zim uses to hide from Torque, and for this I modeled the guy off one specific sumo wrestler, Konishiki, specifically the picture of him from the Kirby season 2 theme song CD (he sang the ending theme song "Kirby Step", 13 year old me was really confused when she got the CD, pulled up the website listed in the booklet and found out)
> 
> Anyways, thank you to all of you for being so patient with this latest update, I hope I didn't worry you. As usual, stay safe and I'll see you soon (^.^)/


	21. Bribery Campaign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm glad a lot of you are still reading after the huge gap between the last chapter and the one before it, I was a little worried since it was so sudden (^.^')  
(And the upload here got bumped down really quickly)
> 
> The past few weeks have been going well, it was my birthday on the 11th, which was nice; I got an airbrush, which will be great for some projects I've wanted to do, and had a store bought cake for the first time since I was about 4, I believe, since I have celiacs it's a bit of a big deal for me. I've shuffled a couple of chapters around so the next two are going to be a bit longer than usual, but today's is the same one I had planned before: Voting of the Doomed (or alternately, Skoodge experiences baby's first moral dilemma), I remember the writing process for this one being a little different since I wasn't really working on the other in-progress chapters for most of the time spent on it.
> 
> Either way, I hope all of you enjoy it

It had been some time since Dib first came to Earth, more than half a year now, but even after so much time it still managed to surprise him with new discoveries.

Today was one of the regular 'school spirit rallies', something Dib had seen a few of but still found more than a little odd, in part because it was difficult to find anything to compare it to. He could understand taking pride in your school's accomplishments, even if it was simply basking in the reflected glory of a team you weren't part of, schools back home would celebrate such things as they happened and had spaces dedicated to archiving past achievements. But the school did that too, and this was….different.

The best analogy he could make was archive footage he had seen once of an event that involved mass brainwashing and had ended in prison time for the people in charge, which was definitely worrisome, but he couldn't really think of anything else like this.

This whole event was based on the children standing around as one of their peers talked about how great their school, and by extension, the students were without anything backing it up besides her own say so and mechanical cheerleaders sparked in the background chanting "Yay School". Apparently they used to have real ones on stage, but began using robotic ones after 'the incident'; something nobody would elaborate on besides it having happened decades ago and involved a 7 year girl getting an organisational job on a technicality.

It was when the school president halted her spoken puff piece to comment on the state of the dirty bathrooms and that everything went wrong. The girl twitched and shuttered for a moment before collapsing on stage, clutching her head in pain as several guards and medical professionals swooped in and ferried her away.

"Not to worry children! Your school president is just having a small crisis of school spirit" one of the doctors said nervously "With a little time she should be fine with minimal long term side effects" an awkward chuckle followed as flying robots poured into the room and began buzzing around. "However she won't be able to continue her duties as school president, which means new one will have to be elected, good luck. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go perform delicate neurosurgery" and with that the surgeon was gone as quickly as he came.

Almost as if on cue, Zim began jumping about, waving and screaming to catch the machines' attention; there was no way he was going to pass on an opportunity to be in charge of people, no matter how small or suspicious it was. He was practically buzzing with excitement as one flew over and scanned him. A dinging noise sounded and his smile grew even brighter as it announced that he had been approved as a candidate, or at least he was happy enough to ignore that the machine insulted his judgement in doing so.

"Yes! Victory for Zim! Zim shall rule you all!" He cheered as the machines began searching for a second candidate, there was no doubt in his mind that he'd win against whoever they chose; the fact that nobody volunteered was promising enough, whoever they chose clearly wouldn't want the job and likely only make a half-hearted effort. His confidence only grew when candidate two turned out to be Willy.

Willy, to put it bluntly, was not smart, not by any means. He did not give the impression of being so, and taking the time to get to know him revealed no hidden brilliance, nor buried talent beyond making raspberry noises with his arm. When the machines selected him, he was in the middle of tasting his own shoe.

This moment marked an important realisation for the assembled students: that the democratic process only truly works if those with a stake in the outcome get involved. It would all be very well to complain about Zim being in charge, or for now that they didn't want either candidate to win, but by collectively refusing to step up and volunteer for the position, they had all worked to create this situation. Or at least, even the less judgemental among them had to agree that Willy, for all his….Willyness, was unlikely to win against Zim, who actively wanted the position.

Dib had spent the past few minutes standing there, completely dumbfounded: just when the culture shock he always experienced at one of these rallies had started to die down somewhat, the incident with the school president had happened. Then not only was it brushed off as if it were nothing, but the process to choose candidates for her replacement that immediately followed and was over before it had begun. As such Dib only barely registered being ferried off by a selection robot and deposited in one of the candidate rooms alongside Willy.

"You're Dib Membrane, correct?" The machine asked, to which Dib nodded numbly in response "We have you registered as Willy's tutor, as such you are automatically registered as his campaign manager"

"Don't I get a say in this?" Dib ventured, when he signed up as a tutor in the school's 'study buddy' program, nobody had said anything about this.

"Not really" the robot answered, somehow managing to sound bored "If you don't like it, you're free to throw the election" Dib was fairly sure the school shouldn't be encouraging that, but held his tongue as a stack of papers outlining the process and his role in it were dropped into his hands. Zim was not going to be happy when he found out about this.

* * *

This had been one of the rare days where, despite a lack of any after school activities, Zim and Dib had not walked home together.

After the headache of going through the papers he'd been given, trying to prepare Willy for the first presentation the next day through a mixture of coaching and attempts at coaxing a set of ideas at least bore some resemblance to a campaign platform out of him, as well as hammering out a rough draft of the speech, he was exhausted. The moment school had let out he dragged himself back home and let himself sink into the sofa; too tired to debrief or unwind with his usual research, he settled for switching on show about automated factory production and just let the tranquil voice of the narrator wash over him as she explained the production of pontoon boats.

At one point he got a notice from Zim asking if he was going to help with his own campaign and Dib responded with a quick message that he had a headache. It was true, but also convenient; chances were Zim would not take the news well, he knew it was inevitable that the boy would find out, but he was glad he'd have the opportunity to delay it until he'd thought of how he could smooth things over.

Not to mention there was a good chance screaming would be involved, and at the moment he just didn't have the bandwidth to deal with it.

Zim, on the other hand, had bolted out the door as soon as he could to begin work on his own campaign, he'd already put together a rough mockup of some of his materials and dropped it off at the printers before going to pick up Gir. Dib was unfortunately unavailable, but Skoodge had managed to pick them up and bring them over as he found himself being drafted into Zim's cause. Currently the group was making the first batch of signs to be hung around the school, writing out the letters above images of Zim, while the boy detailed his plan to win the election.

"By the time the final debate comes, I should have swayed the entire student body" he said as he wrote on the large dry erase board he had set up in front of the table "But just to be safe, this is where I plan to offer everyone zombie dogs. People love dogs! Are there any questions?"

Between being focused on their task and how long winded the boy's monologue had become, Skoodge & Gir hadn't heard half of what he said, Zim chose to interpret their silence as them having understood.

"Anyway, how are the signs coming?" Zim asked, first checking the one Gir was making and staring at it for a minute; it definitely didn't look right, there wasn't a single actual word on it, but it didn't look completely random either "Gir. What is this?"

"You said to copy the letters" Gir explained, smiling proudly up at his brother "You didn't say in what order"

Zim's eye twitched at Gir's leap in logic, but the child looked so proud of his poster that he couldn't bring himself to actually get mad about it "Fine, it's fine. That can be our subliminal messaging poster" While Gir cheered excitedly, the concern Skoodge felt kept him from mustering up the same enthusiasm.

"Zim, I'm not sure this is such a good idea" he finally said "I remember what Margaret used to be like, she….changed after being elected" There was a noticeable chill in his voice as he recalled the sudden transformation that had taken place in her; seemingly overnight she had not only abandoned all of her interests, including her plans to improve the school, but denied those improvements had ever been needed in the first place.

A contemplative look crossed Zim's face; it seemed that Skoodge's words had given him something to think about "We need a girl on the team" he finally said "That way we can put posters up in the girls' bathroom" Skoodge buried his face in his hands, evidently it wasn't the last school president's fate that had caught his attention, but the places she could access.

"Zim, I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to put up posters in the bathrooms" the larger boy sighed "But I do have one question: if we have to make the posters ourselves, what was in the box you had me pick up?"

"Handouts, Skoodge!" Zim grinned as he pulled a couple out of the box for emphasis "I have pamphlets, door hangers, and calendars to give out at my speeches; people love to get free things, and paper ones can be produced quickly and cheaply enough to use for this"

Things continued on for a few hours longer as Zim enthused about his plans while Gir and Skoodge busily worked, the latter despite a nagging feeling that all was not right.

* * *

The next day was the first of the campaign proper, you could tell the moment you stepped through the door, as Zim had arrived early to begin placing his signs around the school until he had no signs left to place. As Dib arrived at school, he noticed the many images of Zim greeting him, and made a mental note to print a batch for Willy after class before making his way to the yard by the playground where the first presentation was to be held.

It was a beautiful, sunny morning: warm, bright sunlight streamed from the vibrant blue sky decorated with a few white, fluffy clouds like a bit of leftover summer in the fall. Below, a few birds chirped in the balding trees, it was pleasant enough to make even the shabby stage that had been wheeled out from storage look good.

Naturally this made Miss Bitters even more miserable than usual "Hurry up and give your speeches before I burn" she hissed from beneath her protective cloak, which served to emphasise her wraith-like appearance, especially as her eye glasses gleamed from within the shadow her hood cast. Seeing her like this, more than a few students wondered if by 'burn' she meant that her pale skin was more prone to sunburns than most, or whether she really was a creature of darkness that could not survive long in sunlight. Either way, the students collectively decided that they were better off not knowing.

The two candidates were already on stage and as usual, Zim started "My fellow students, if elected I promise a reign unlike any this school has ever known!" he stated to an underwhelming response. Something that shouldn't have been surprising given that many of the students had spent their entire academic careers watching him turning everything into either a competition he had won by default, or an opportunity to show off that often ended in the fire department being called.

"I have a vision of a bold new world, one where all humanity has had its eyes surgically removed" he continued undeterred despite the unsure silence that followed "And replaced with ones that can fire lasers"

The audience seemed to take to this one; laser eyes _did_ sound cool and well worth unnecessary surgery to the majority of them. Zim himself was unconcerned about having to meet these demands after winning, in part because he knew how short an attention span many of them had, and in part because he could always modify those mechanical eyes he had made during the Keef incident just in case the red head went too far.

"Yes, and everyone's legs will be replaced with mechanical ones made of pure gold!" he grinned. The audience loved this, and Zim already had a solution to this one; it was entirely possible to turn other metals into gold, sure it was radioactive gold, but bananas were radioactive and that didn't stop most from eating them. Besides, it would prevent any attempts to overthrow him as gold was far too soft to make functional robotic legs out of. As Zim spoke Skoodge scurried around the crowd, tossing some of the freebies for everyone to grab at.

Dib was more than a little bothered by this. If it were any other child he'd see these as empty promises being spouted to win the election, which spoke to an entirely different set of problems, but Zim possessed the perfect mix of technological know how and disregard for the consequences of his actions to actually make good on them.

Now it was Willy's turn to speak, one that he squandered by making raspberry noises with his arm while laughing. "Pretty good, huh? Listen to this" Willy smiled before adding to it by blowing regular raspberries, all strung together to create something that vaguely resembled a melody. The audience was too stunned to reply, while Dib buried his face in a hand, and Zim grinned confidently; this debate couldn't have gone better if he'd planned it.

Once the speeches were over the two candidates left the stage on their respective sides and Dib found himself faced with Willy, along with the overwhelming feeling of awkwardness that came from having just watched a person botch something horribly without realising it. He _was_ Willy's campaign manager after all, and more importantly, his tutor, it was only right that he offer praise and support. But still, that 'speech' was so...

"Good job" Dib grinned uncomfortably, giving a half-hearted thumbs up "That was really...sincere" That settled it, Zim was going to win.

Speaking of, Zim had made his way around to the other side of the stage with Skoodge in tow, eager to gloat about his assured victory, when he spotted the two of them standing together.

"Dib! What are you doing, fraternising with the enemy!?"

A pained look crossed Dib's face, he knew this moment would come, he may as well get it out of the way "The school appointed me as his campaign manager because I'm his tutor" he stated in as neutral a tone as he could manage.

"Et tu Dib!" Zim shouted "After all we've been through, you would betray me like this and work for my unworthy opponent!?" This was actually better than Dib expected it to go.

"It's school policy, Zim. I didn't have a choice either way, it was just sort of dropped into my hands" Dib sighed, being careful in how he chose his words to avoid both getting Zim even more worked up than he already was, or potentially hurting Willy's feelings. True, the latter was currently distracted by some birds, but still.

"Fine then! Zim needs no help managing this campaign!" he declared, amazingly without drawing any attention to himself "Come on, Skoodge!" Zim turned with a huff and stormed off, grabbing Skoodge's hand and leading him away. The larger boy gave Dib an apologetic smile as he was dragged off, which was returned with an understanding nod and mutual waving; both knew this was going to happen, and it was best to just let things run their course.

Once the pair was out of sight, Dib turned to see Willy jumping to try and reach a nest more than twice his height off the ground, Dib gave another sigh: this was going to be a long week.

* * *

"Can you believe that Dib!?" Zim fumed as he had been for the entire half hour the day's planning session had gone on for "Is it too much to expect a little loyalty!?"

"Didn't he say that he hadn't volunteered for this?" Skoodge ventured to say "I checked the guidelines, student tutors really _do_ have to act as campaign manager if the person they're tutoring runs. I don't think he's any happier about this than you are"

"He could sabotage Willy's campaign!" Zim retorted "Why didn't he offer to do that!?"

Skoodge held back from pointing out he had never given Dib the chance to offer, as well as the fact that Willy clearly did not have the same….dedication to the election Zim possessed and instead settled for a shrug.

"Maybe he didn't think of it? He's pretty by the book in how he deals with things"

"It doesn't matter" Zim stated, his temper in a slow boil, now it was personal "I've ordered more posters, more paper goods, and a package of labels we are going to stick onto mini potato chip bags" he turned dramatically as if he were in a movie "We will campaign harder than anyone in the history of this school and crush Willy so thoroughly he will rue the day he ever deigned to campaign against Zim"

* * *

Things continued on like this for the rest of the week with Zim's speeches being peppered with grandiose promises and hastily produced freebies, while Willy's were….not.

Tensions continued to mount with each passing day of campaigning and every debate & rally held as Zim poured himself into working on the campaign, coming out with new promises and goodies each day, littering the floor with flyers, and plastering every inch of available wall space with posters.

Meanwhile, Dib found the whole situation stressful and frustrating. On top of being dragged into the seemingly futile pursuit of trying to help Willy with the election, something he had neither the interest nor aptitude for, Zim interpreted his staying on the campaign as a personal slight. He wasn't exactly mad at the child, just bothered by his impulsiveness and disregard for the consequences of his actions.

Sure he recognised that this was clearly something that was very important to Zim and that his reaction largely stemmed from that, but it didn't occur to him to check; for all Zim knew, Dib could be furious, and he would have no idea.

No, Dib wasn't mad at him, but found it more than a little distressing that Zim would potentially jeopardise one of the few genuine friendships he had and risk, for lack of a better word, alienating the one adult actively looking out for him all to win what was looking to be an empty title, and one he could only hold for the relatively short time until graduation at that.

Either that, or he was secure enough in his friendship with Dib that he felt comfortable being at odds with him without losing his support as a result; Dib sincerely hoped it was the latter.

At the same time Skoodge found himself growing increasingly worried; something wasn't right here, what he had witnessed in the aftermath of the last election still tugged at the back of his mind, but Zim seemed completely uninterested in hearing about any of it. While this was only relevant if he won the election, that was looking to be a very real possibility, and Skoodge's anxiety grew alongside Zim's lead. There was just too much he didn't know: he wasn't sure what exactly had happened to Margaret, whether it was something specific to her or that happened to all school presidents, and whether it could potentially happen to Zim.

That settled it, after school tomorrow he was going to go and get some answers from the one person who could provide them

* * *

This trip had taken well over an hour, and Skoodge didn't especially want to be at his destination: first he'd had to go to Margaret's house to find out which hospital she was in, then travel to said hospital, and finally find her room.

Hospitals could be intimidating at the best of times and this one doubly so; the air in the building was thick with a mixture of medicine, industrial strength cleaners, and suffering, which the handful of doctors and nurses weaving in and out of the rooms seemed to completely ignore. Even without any unpleasant memories of his own associated with hospitals, Skoodge found himself wanting to turn and run away as his footsteps echoed down the cold, impersonal halls until he reached the correct room.

Inside, a girl with copper coloured hair peeking out from under the bandage wrapped around her head, sat propped up on a bed that was slightly too large for her: the previous school president. She turned from the small TV she had been watching when she heard Skoodge walk in and waved to him.

"Hello Maggie" Skoodge greeted warmly "I brought you some apple sauce and a batch of cookies"

"Thanks Skoodge!" Margaret smiled "The hospital food is terrible, they must get it from the same place as the school food- Which is just great!" She finished with the same over enthusiastic tone and unsettlingly wide smile she'd had as school president. Upon realising what had happened and noticing Skoodge's startled expression she shied away slightly "Sorry, the doctors said that might keep happening for the next while, it shouldn't last more than a couple months"

"Are you going to be alright?" Skoodge asked, more than a little concerned.

"It's fine, what about you? You look like something's on your mind"

Skoodge gave her a small frown "This is supposed to be your visit"

"You brought me cookies in the hospital, that alone is enough for me to listen" Margaret chuckled "Seriously, Skoodge, what's bothering you?" The boy gave a worried sigh before he began.

"Well, I have a friend who's one of the candidates to take over for you, and we both have another friend who's the other candidate's campaign manager" He paused for a moment before Margaret nodded for him to continue "He didn't want to be, but he was tutoring the other candidate, and now my first friend is mad at him, and he won't listen to me about it"

He looked towards the corner as he squeezed his arms, as if he were trying to hug someone who wasn't there, or perhaps reassure himself with one "I'm just really worried. The anger's one sided, but I'm worried about their friendship, and getting caught in the middle if he loses, and what will happen if he wins…I just…I don't know what to do"

Margaret set a hand on Skoodge's shoulder and looked at him with a dead serious expression "Sabotage him" she urged "If you care about this person, don't let him win"

Skoodge gave a firm nod, he knew what he had to do, though doing it was another matter entirely.

* * *

That night everyone's tensions were running high: Zim was busily pouring over his notes for the final debate tomorrow, still confident in his success, but nonetheless anxiously awaiting the final tally. He could do this, he was prepared, already had a solid lead, and was genre savvy enough not to say anything about how easily bought the other students were until after he'd won and it was too late for them to change their minds.

Skoodge was trying to figure out a way to stop him from winning, what Margaret had told him still weighed on his mind; Zim would be upset about losing, but it would be better than what would happen if he won. It was made even more complicated by the realisation that even if he succeeded somebody still had to win; even if he saved Zim that meant Willy would suffer the consequences instead and he'd be responsible, in a way.

There was no way of rescuing them both and the decision was in his hands, still...he was only friends with one of them. Ben didn't offer any help, not that Skoodge had really expected him to, but he eventually managed to make peace with the situation...and make his decision.

Meanwhile, Dib just wanted this whole mess to be over; he never asked to be involved in any of this, and Willy wasn't the easiest person to build a campaign around, nor was he willing to just let the boy fail, perhaps because he'd applied that same mindset to tutoring him. Between that, Zim's actively avoiding him after the first debate, and the stress of him potentially making good on those campaign promises, he was relieved the end of it was finally in sight.

* * *

The next day was largely dedicated to the election, with the final debate taking place in the morning before voting during the afternoon, and the inauguration ceremony for an hour after that. Every child in the school crowded into the auditorium and murmured amongst themselves as they waited for the debate to begin, a few talked about the event itself, while many were simply taking advantage of having what was essentially a day off from class.

A few moments later the two candidates took the stage: Zim grinning and waving at the crowd, clearly relishing the attention, while Willy wandered onto the stage as if he were walking into an especially colourful convenience store.

First the candidates were to go over their platforms once more, just as before, Zim dispensed grandiose promises of invisibility granting shoes and salted nuts for all, while Willy had no counter offer.

Next came what Miss Bitters had referred to as the 'awkward silence' portion, an hour of the candidates standing at their podiums, staring out at the audience. How this time was meant to be used, nobody knew; perhaps as a commentary on the long pauses found in political campaigns, perhaps to give the candidates time to get comfortable on the indoor stage before the final debate began, perhaps there was no reason at all.

Whatever its purpose was, it was safe to say that nobody was using it as intended, as the audience entertained themselves with whatever distractions they could smuggle into the auditorium. Meanwhile the two candidates stood on stage, Zim casually lifting a sign urging people to vote for him whenever a student looked his way, while Dib was making his best effort to prepare some cue cards for Willy, which the boy proceeded to chew on.

Skoodge, on the other hand, was taking the opportunity to follow the path of the electric cables and slip unnoticed under the stage. He held his breath as he did a quick test run, unplugging the cables and listening for the quiet hum of electricity running into the microphone to fade before plugging it back in. Without the candidates speaking, his test went unnoticed; more importantly everything was set, now all he had to do was wait.

He was still waiting when the event resumed; now it was time for the debate proper. First was Willy's turn to speak and, as usual, he remained firmly in a world of his own and failed to draw the favour of the crowd.

Zim didn't hesitate to pounce on this "As usual, my oppo-" just as he was set to begin his final speech, the microphone cut out. He gave a confused hum as he inspected the device; it was switched on, he could clearly see as much, he gave it an experimental tap but nothing happened. Fine, it was fine, he'd just have to do this the old fashioned way.

Just as he was about to resume speaking, Skoodge gave a silent sigh from under the stage "Zim, I am really sorry about this" he whispered before plugging the extension cords back together.

"As I was saying! MY OPPO-"

Everyone covered their ears as the microphone switched back on while Zim was shouting into it. The boy made a couple of brief attempts to deliver his speech, but his voice was distorted by the microphone each time due to Skoodge tampering with the wires, punctuated by a sympathetic wince each time they were plugged or unplugged; it was for Zim's own good, but that didn't make this first major moral dilemma any easier.

After a minute of technical difficulties, Zim lost his patience and switched the microphone off before throwing it off into the wings in a fit of rage; fine, be that way, it wasn't as if he actually needed a microphone to be heard.

"As I was saying: once again my opponent fails to produce a counter platform! By now all of you know who I am and what I stand for!" Zim began, taking full advantage of his 'gifts' for vocal amplification "If elected I can grant you access to experimental technology, the likes of which you cannot imagine, and that only have a minimal chance of exploding!"

As Zim delivered his speech, the theater club silently wished he would take up the performing arts; it was rare to find somebody who could project to the back row without needing to be miked. Rare, and invaluable as the club only had a single handheld microphone at their disposal, two in the right weather.

"Furthermore I will gift all who support me a zombie weiner dog to-"

"How?"

Zim whipped around to face Willy "What do you mean, _how_?" he countered, having been taken aback by the first coherent point his opponent had made.

"How're you gonna give them all that stuff?"

"Details" Zim scoffed "I can start rolling out supporter rewards _after_ my glorious victory"

"The school's pretty yucky" Willy stated in the innocently blunt way a younger child would "You gonna fix it?"

"Of course I will! But I'm not going to base my platform on it!" Zim replied, having regained his proverbial footing "You can't expect the average person to get excited over clean floors"

"I'd fix it" Willy said "Yeah! The food too!" Everyone's attention turned to Willy, and unexpectedly, they seemed to be interested.

Dib found himself feeling pleasantly surprised; preparing Willy for this speech and just tutoring him in general had felt as thankless as trying to roll a boulder up a hill, now it seemed some of it was finally sinking in. A part of him that still lingered from childhood wondered if Willy was secretly some sort of robot child and had actually been scanning the flashcards when he bit them. Then the parts that had been added in the time since then pointed out there were all sorts of ways that didn't make sense, and that this was exactly the sort of thinking that caused him to break his leg that one time.

"You like that? Then…Then we all go dancing! And have recess all day long! And go home whenever we want!"

Well, baby steps.

"And how do _you_ plan to do all this?" Zim countered, still confident, but with a few small cracks beginning to show.

"We'll all be friends" Willy smiled, while Zim fixed a sour glare on him.

"This isn't over"

* * *

This was it: the voting stage and against all odds & everyone's expectations, at this point it was anyone's race.

The ballot box was set up in the lunchroom, behind it was a wide table with the candidates set up on either side to make one last push to be elected. Their banners were taped to the wall behind them, with a copy of their campaign posters hanging off the front of the table, Willy's had been placed upside down.

On the other side of the table, a line of students stretched through the room and down the hallway, so far that it snaked around the corner and out of sight. Near the tables the line split off to two tables where students could mark their ballots before dropping it in the box, amazingly they managed this without two students trying to cast their vote at the same time, as they did Zim would greet them.

"Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you" he said with the same tone you might use to wish somebody a nice day, heedless of both how inappropriate his message was and the fact that the ballot had already been cast when he said this.

Dib looked preoccupied, normally he was bothered when the appalling standards of the school were brought to his attention, but in this case he found himself sincerely hoping this was a problem specific to this one school. Or at least, this was one time when it was more comfortable to think it was a matter of the school being sub par; if allowing the candidates to threaten the voters was common here, he had…concerns.

Even more so after spotting two familiarly towering figures around the far end of the hall.

He leaned forward and squinted, near sighted or not, he could see them approaching each student in line, whispering in their ear before moving onto the next one: Red & Purple were trying to sway the voters. It was then that Dib realised what was happening, and silently kicked himself for not realising it earlier; here he'd been worried about all the outlandish and dangerous promises Zim had been making, so much that he forgot that his classmates didn't actually like Zim very much.

He wasn't sure where the twins were in the so-called hierarchy the students had sorted themselves into, but it probably wouldn't take much clout to be able to effectively remind everyone what they normally thought of Zim.

Once again Dib found himself unsure how to feel: on the one hand he was relieved there was a low chance of him winning and having to deal with him trying to make good on his campaign promises, on the other he couldn't help feeling bad for Zim. There was no denying the boy had been serious about the election and had given it his best effort, even if some parts of his campaign were questionable, he did feel bad that all of that work was undermined by simply being disliked.

Not to mention if Zim lost that put Willy in charge, which was equally worrisome, albeit for different reasons. That was the one thing he was certain of in all this: deeply hoping that real politics weren't like this where the only candidates were somebody dangerously impulsive and a person who could barely write his own name.

Soon after, the voting ended and the handful of students who had yet to cast their ballots were forcibly evicted from the room. As they were Zim briefly reflected on how his habit of pushing his way to the front of lines had (mostly) served him well; not once had he ever been caught up in the blast of water used to clear the line. He didn't know which part of the plumbing the water came from and didn't want to know, in his experience tap water was inherently untrustworthy anyways.

Everyone involved in the two campaigns anxiously awaited the results as the election robots tallied up the votes, their anticipation growing as the countdown marking the remaining ballots came increasingly closer to zero.

"And the winner is…" the robot began. Zim had already leapt onto his table, still certain of his victory and already fantasising about the start of his budding empire.

"Willy!" the robot sent out a small cloud of confetti over Willy, who happily grabbed at it.

"What!? No he's not-" Zim sputtered "You're lying!" he looked as if he was a few seconds away from pouncing on the machine and dismantling it with his bare hands as it picked Willy up and ferried him over to the principal's office. "Don't think this is over!" he called after them "Come with me, Dib! You were his campaign manager and you're going to help me fix this!" Zim seethed as he grabbed Dib's hand and all but dragged him towards the principal's office.

"Zim demands a recount!" the boy shouted as he kicked the door open dramatically, completely ignoring that he had lost the running by far too large of a margin for one to do any good. He was ignored in turn by a shadowy man in a swivel chair and a counsel of hooded figures: the principal and board of trustees. The group kept their focus firmly on Willy as their leader spoke.

"Congratulations candidate two, we are glad it was you who won, that other child would have been….difficult to work with" the Principal said, stroking what appeared to be a cat curled up in his lap. "But you have so much room for improvement, you will be a splendid class president, one that students will feel comfortable around, and who won't complain"

As the principal said this, a helmet slowly descended from the ceiling and settled on Willy's head. Zim and Dib both went wide-eyed as electricity and lasers began sparking, fight or flight instinct kicked in and both reached for a handle, opening the door just enough to slip out undetected. Any concern they might have harboured for their classmate was drowned out by the overwhelming urge to escape without being noticed and subjected to the same.

The two of them scrambled out of the room, each slamming a door behind him, breathing rapidly as their hearts raced at what they had just witnessed. Before they could fully process what had happened, both were knocked to the floor as the doors burst open behind them and Willy sauntered through the doorway.

"Good day old chaps!" Willy greeted in a newly acquired British accent "Splendid weather we're having"

Zim and Dib felt like they were watching a walking car crash and found themselves following after in stunned silence, if for no other reason than to make sure they weren't imaging the surreal scene playing out before them. Willy continued towards the auditorium, greeting everyone he met like a British gentleman and gathering a growing crowd of shell shocked followers before reaching the podium and delivering his acceptance speech, which was disturbingly similar to the one his predecessor had failed to give the week before.

"Oh my gods" Dib breathed once the initial shock died down "Willy"

"It's fine. He's better off this way" Zim assured with all the tact of a sledgehammer.

"How can you say that!? They brainwashed him!" Dib replied in a harsh whisper out of concern at being overheard by any lurking faculty members; he knew Zim didn't think very highly of his peers, but still.

"You tutored him! Surely you noticed Willy was never going to make the Mensa society" Zim stated "He didn't really lose anything he was using, and he gained several dozen I.Q. points"

"Don't you feel at least a little bad about-"

"If it hadn't been him it would have been me, Dib! Would you have preferred that?" Zim spat before turning to storm off.

"I didn't want it to happen to anyone Zim, not to you or Willy" Dib sighed "Are you going to be alright?"

Zim froze before turning around "Of course I'll be fine, I am Zim! This is just a minor setback" even someone unfamiliar with the child's usual habits could detect the false bravado in his tone, and that not being in charge wasn't the real problem here.

Skoodge soon made his appearance and, after Dib assured him that all was well in their friend group again, both agreed to give him some space to process everything that had happened, while still staying close by if needed. Zim tended to need a little time to himself after a stressful situation; he had trouble accepting help at the best of times, and even more so when he was on edge and likely to interpret it as a lack of faith in his abilities. Still, he had dodged an enormous bullet this time and neither wanted to leave him completely alone.

* * *

A heavy, uncomfortable silence reigned over the trip home, with no practice today, Zim and Dib were taking the same route. Well, Dib supposed he could skip stopping by Gir's preschool, but he didn't want to leave things as they were; the frustration from the past week still hadn't been addressed, and with the events of the day piled on top, the air was in desperate need of clearing.

Zim was the first to break the silence "What happened to Willy was…Unexpected, and upon giving it some thought, decided it was for the best that you weren't on my campaign and that the position went to him" Despite his formal choice of words, his tone was uncertain and for good reason; this was the closest he typically came to an apology, and even then it was a rare enough occurrence for him not to be entirely comfortable giving one.

"I understand" Dib replied with a nod, he really did, both from knowing the child well enough to recognise what he was trying to do, and from having grown up with a father and sister who still struggled with opening up emotionally. "I know this was important to you, you'd waited for a long time to have a chance to run, and then it turned out to…not be what you expected"

"I know! You'd think being school president would come with some actual power instead of being a glorified sock puppet!" Zim was gearing up for a monologued rant and Dib was quietly relieved that everything was returning to normal.

Zim would continue to vent his frustrations for the rest of the trip, even after Gir had been picked up, he still loudly proclaimed how 'Zim is nobody's figurehead!', and later it would be one of those nights when he would fall asleep watching his parents' show on the sofa with Gir, once the events of the day caught up to him again.

In between there would be dinner with Dib & Gaz, as well as an eagerly accepted offer for a lesson in Vortian. Admittedly this was a mixture a genuine offer, the need be together after a crisis, and the result of everything that happened before; the past week had been consumed entirely by the election and all that had come with it, since this was the first visit they'd had since it started, both wanted it to last a bit longer. That doing so postponed letting the day catch up with them was a welcome bonus.

Nobody minded though, as a bit of normalcy was regained while the excitement of knowledge exchange washed away the stress of the week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are. I have to admit I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with notes for this one, but since the original episode focused on Dib trying to keep Zim from winning, I wanted to give more attention to Zim's campaign for this one, and I was really glad to be able to give Skoodge a moment to shine a little too. A couple of inspirations for this one include the joke about Gir messing up the signs being a nod to an episode of The Brady Bunch, and one story I read for a completely different series giving me something for for Zim's reaction to what happens with Willy. The story had a similarly impulsive character working through the aftermath of an accident at her workplace and her initial reaction coming off as insensitive, since she was relieved it wasn't her (her shift had been switched at the last minute with the person that had the accident); that initial reaction of pushing through "That was almost me" in favour of "At least that wasn't me" seemed fitting for him, in a way.
> 
> Please let me know what you think (especially since I've been a bit worried about the chapters from after the break I had still feeling like the ones from before, I'd really appreciate knowing if you think so or not). As always, thank you to all of you for your support, stay safe, and I'll see you in a few weeks (^.^)/


	22. Gir Goes Crazy & So Does Dib's House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, before we start, I want to send some encouragement to my friend RissyNicole: You can finish your chapter, I know you can. The latest one I finished spent months in progress before everything clicked and I managed to almost double what I had written out in just one day, everything will click eventually.
> 
> The past, goodness it's been about a month, has been alright, but a little odd. Basically, I'm supposed to film and edit a couple of videos, we had originally planned to film weeks ago but things keep happening to delay it between bad weather (we're filming outside) to one of the people in the video having to deal with a family crisis and self-isolate afterwards. Fortunately we own the equipment, so we haven't had to keep renting it, but it's a little frustrating and for a while I've felt like I was in some sort weird holding pattern (and honestly a little stressed since one of the videos needs to be finished by the time school starts).
> 
> On a happier note, this chapter and next are a bit longer than usual, so hopefully that makes up for this one taking a bit longer than planned, it's a combination chapter too, and has one of my favourite chapter titles. It does have the dubious honor of being the first one to be worked on after the month long hiatus I had to take from writing during the end of my classes, but I gave it a little extra attention and I'm happy with how it turned out.
> 
> Enjoy everyone (-^.^-)

The evening had started out relatively calmly, at least, as much as they could with Zim & Gir involved.

After school, the two had gone to Dib's house to have dinner and work on a history project, or rather, Zim had while Gir 'helped' by producing a handful of unrelated crayon drawings. Arguably Gir was having the more productive evening, as history assignments tended to be a stumbling point for both Zim & Dib, the latter because it was not his planet and, while he was eager to learn, he had several years of catching up to do.

Meanwhile the former had trouble keeping his opinions to himself; in Zim's eyes there were at least '40 schmillion' mistakes that the men and women of antiquity made and he did not hesitate to point them out when given the opportunity. Fortunately, Miss Bitters did not dock marks for this, but her claims to have been there and thought as much at the time was rather unsettling, especially since no matter how far back in history the event was you couldn't bring yourself to doubt it was true.

It was then, in the middle of researching a paper about Guy Fawkes, that things first went wrong as the voice commands to Dib's home computer network stopped yielding results. A few more tries and an attempt at using the remote input keys later nothing had changed, the house's research feature simply wasn't responding.

"Seriously? It breaks down now?" Dib sighed in frustration, fortunately the paper wasn't due for another week or so, but it was still inconvenient "The compatibility drive probably burnt out, you two wait here while I replace it"

"Do you really expect that to work?" Zim scoffed "This is the first time you've mentioned your house having this 'compatibility drive' and you expect us to just sit here quietly while you change it?"

Dib sighed again "Not really, but I can at least try" he already expected his instructions to be argued against, though he supposed it was better than ignored outright and the two wandering after him without his knowing.

"Then you'll let us watch?"

"Alright, you two can watch, but be very careful not to touch anything" Dib said "Installing one of these can be dangerous if you're in the wrong spot at the wrong time" After a hastily given agreement Dib could already tell he'd have to enforce, the three of them made their way downstairs.

* * *

Zim lit up upon seeing the control room, he'd never been to this part of the house before and it was full of all kinds of enticing alien devices he was eager to explore. Everywhere he looked there were display screens with large blocks of text, charts, and video feeds; he excitedly noted that he was able to read the odd word of the alien language, apparently universal grammar really _was_ universal. There were control panels too: he always loved standing at control panels! Surely it would be fine if he just stood by one and had a quick look-

"Don't touch that"

The older boy made the same face Gir did when he was caught sneaking out of bed, if somewhat more indignant, while his brother giggled "Uh-oh!" beside him. Zim gave an annoyed huff at this, how did Dib even see that? His eyesight was bad enough to need glasses! _And_ he hadn't even turned around! Did his species just have a second pair of eyes in the back? Maybe the ones in front were nearsighted because the back ones were so keen; it couldn't be that he'd already learnt Zim's pattern of…creatively interpreting instructions.

"If you want to look at something, this is where the drive goes" Dib said as he gestured to a largely empty panel with a glass dome containing what looked like a grey, burnt out crystal brain inside with a couple of buttons beside it.

"Is that a real brain?" Zim asked excitedly as he peered over Dib's shoulder, already having joined him by the panel.

"What? No! No it's not, that would be weird" Dib answered, more than a little disturbed by the image "No, it's just modeled off one to improve compatibility"

The answer seemed to satisfy Zim, who went back to watching the installation, Dib did a quick spot check for Gir who was currently playing with a plush…possibly a moose? It had antlers anyway, but looked flat as if it had been built over a frisbee.

The Vortian turned his attention back to Zim and guided him back a few steps with one arm "I'm about to plug it in, you don't want to stand too close" he explained. Really the control panel was the safest connection point, given it was the one the user interacted with, but with the boy's tendency to turn everything he touched into a safety hazard, Dib chose to err on the side of caution. Unfortunately, he didn't notice that Gir had dropped the toy he was playing with, and that it bounced into a corner of the room moments before he installed the drive just as Gir reached to grab it.

What he _did_ notice was the blinding flash of light that filled the room.

"Zim is unscathed!" the child in question shouted far too loudly for how close he was standing "Was that supposed to happen?" he added after a brief pause and at a more reasonable volume.

"It wasn't, something must have gone wrong" Dib replied as he looked down at the panel; it was lit up, so the drive wasn't simply non-functional, but it didn't look right, the drive was glowing with a bright turquoise light "You might want to go back upstairs, this could take a while"

Zim sulked and kicked at the floor at this before calling Gir over, only to find himself being ignored in favour of watching a stream of flickering lights. Typical. He took a few steps closer and called a little louder, that never failed to get his attention when he was engrossed watching TV.

"Gir! Come on! Gir, it's time to go!" Still no response, now Zim was getting worried, he walked over to Gir and set a hand on his holder, gently shaking it to try and get his attention, instead he flopped over into Zim's arms.

Instantly, panic set in as Zim held the unconscious child "Dib! Dib, get over here!" It only took a moment for the Vortain to cross the room, but in that time Zim had already set Gir down and was looking him over: his breathing and pulse were normal, so was his temperature. He tried shaking his brother again, slightly harder this time "Gir, wake up! This isn't funny anymore! Gir! GIR!"

This time he got an answer, simultaneously Gir sprang up and gave Zim a crisp salute, while his voice replied "I'm OK, don't worry" However, his mouth wasn't moving, and for some reason his voice seemed to be coming from overhead. "I'm in the ceiling!" For once it didn't seem to be one of Gir's usual non-sequiturs.

Both Zim and Dib breathed a sigh of relief before confusion took over.

"Dib Goat, explain!"

"It's the house's compatibility drive, it's what allows the computers to interface with human technology and access Earth's internet for research" he said, piecing together what happened as he spoke "It's designed to be able to interface with anything, since some planets have organic data storage systems, that includes living things. Which is why I said it was dangerous and that I didn't want you two coming down here"

"Nevermind that! Will you be able to fix him?" Zim asked, dodging the next logical step in this: that none of this would have happened if he hadn't insisted on watching the installation process. Really, Dib wasn't terribly surprised by this; Zim seemed to see being responsible for something going wrong as a personal failing, a mind set that didn't seem too uncommon here, given the way mistakes were stigmatised.

However the mental gymnastics Zim automatically went through to shift the blame anywhere else but him were in a league of their own. It was like pulling teeth to get him to acknowledge he'd bought the wrong flavour of candy; there was no way he'd let himself admit to being responsible for something like this, where someone he cared about was put in jeopardy.

"I should be able to" Dib answered as he looked at Gir and the equipment "It looks like just Gir switched places with the drive; it doesn't have a personality like an A.I. would, but it's programmed to be an assistant, which is probably why Gir's body is conscious right now" He added gesturing to the child standing at attention beside Zim, as he did, he noticed the lights from the conduits Gir had been standing between were dimmer than they should be, apparently they had been damaged as a result.

"It's going to take a while to fix the machine, but we should be able to just repeat the process to switch them back in a few hours"

Zim sighed in a relief Dib shared with him, it _was_ a stressful situation after all and if Dib were to be completely honest, one he felt partially responsible for. He had been so focused on making sure Zim stayed where he was supposed to, he'd barely even thought to keep track of Gir. Though now that he thought about it, it was a little discouraging that the 4 year old wasn't the one he immediately thought of needing to keep an eye on.

"Are you going to be alright up there that long?" Dib called towards the ceiling.

"Yep! It's really neat in here!" Gir chirped "I can see all over the house, there's Gaz on her computer! Hi Gaz!" He was quiet for a few moments, presumably listening to the other half of a conversation happening in another room, before answering "Okie dokie, I won't look! Good luck with your splodey guy!"

"Splodey guy?" Dib asked, concerned.

"Uh-huh, Gaz said she needs to test her CG rig of a guy exploding, and I shouldn't look because you'll freak out" Gir replied far too casually, another pause "Now she says she's going to garage to test it in the ship where she can get some peace and quiet. Bye bye Gaz!" A mechanical arm came down and waved, evidently Gir didn't have full control of his new body yet if his hand was dropping into the wrong room.

"Alright….The TV should still work. Zim, why don't you go upstairs and try to relax a little with Gir while I take care of this?" Dib suggested, there was no point in everyone sitting around feeling stressed, even if one of them wouldn't admit to being such.

"_I'll_ go work on the assignment" Zim countered "Come on Gir"

"I'm pretty sure I'm in the living room already" Gir said while his body stayed put with a stoic expression on its face, Zim groaned in annoyance as he dragged a hand down his face before walking up to the child.

"You're, uh…You're CompuGir now. Follow me" he said before leading him down the hall and into the living room while Gir's voice giggled overhead that the footsteps tickled.

* * *

Zim scowled at the half finished report layed out in front of him, despite his plan to work on it while he waited for Dib to fix the machine and return things to normal, he just couldn't manage to focus. Perhaps because Gir was watching him from overhead. Yes, that was it; never mind that Gir's face wasn't even visible, and that being watched never bothered him before, or that with what happened earlier he had plenty to worry about and keep him from focusing. Dib had assured him it would be fine, so it was. Really.

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand tapping his shoulder "What should I do now?" CompuGir asked, holding Zim's history textbook.

"Eh? Just keep reading the book I gave you" he answered with a dismissive wave of the hand.

"I've already finished reading this book" CompuGir replied, prompting Zim to raise an eyebrow.

"You've already finished it" he half stated half asked, it had barely been over 5 minutes and a few quick questions confirmed he had, indeed, read the whole thing. "Why don't you, uh" his eyes darted to the television set "Why don't you monitor some broadcasts until I have another job for you?" He suggested as he handed off the remote, missing the glare the child shot him as the wheels in his head started turning; it was a questionable thought, given the circumstances, but this was potential silver lining.

Zim loved his little brother, he really did, but Gir was a bit…lacking as far as henchmen went. As sweet as he was, he didn't really contribute very much to Zim's goals of world domination, and there were more than a few times where Gir's 'help' was anything but. However, CompuGir was essentially a mechanical secretary in a human body, and an efficient one at that, capable of plowing through a decently sized schoolbook in a matter of minutes. And Dib _did_ say it would take a while to get everything sorted, surely he could map out a plan and perhaps set it in motion in the time he had, especially since finishing the report clearly wasn't going to happen.

"Gir!" he called towards the ceiling "Tell Dib we're going out for a while!"

"Okie Dokie!" Gir replied, a minute later he relayed the Vortian's response "He wants to know where you're going first" The older boy groaned in irritation at this; he had been traveling around town by himself long before Dib showed up, he didn't _need_ to be supervised.

"Tell him, we're going to the library!"

Once again Gir agreed to relay the message, and once again there was a pause before the answer came "He says it's OK, just try not to stay out too late"

"Of course it is" Zim replied smugly as he lead CompuGir out the door "And I wasn't asking permission" he added before shutting the door behind himself.

"Well, it look like it's just you and me, Gir" Dib said looking up at the ceiling "It's not as bad as I thought it was, I should have everything ready by the time Zim gets back" It complicated things a little bit that he'd apparently taken 'CompuGir' with him, but he could understand it; he'd long since realised Zim did not have the best method of coping with stress and often had to distract himself with a project. At least going to the library was a step in the right direction.

"Can I help?" Gir asked, dropping a mechanical arm into the room.

"Thank you for offering, but I think it's better if I work on this by myself" Dib answered, hoping he could prevent Gir from accidentally damaging something without hurting his feelings in the process "Why don't you try practising moving as the house? That way if I do need help, you'll be ready"

"Ookie!" Gir cheered before going quiet to practise. This gleaned Dib a solid 10 minutes of working time before Gir resurfaced and complained he was bored.

"Okay then. Gir, do you remember those cartoons I showed you a while back? Why don't you watch some of those while I try and fix this?"

"Okey Dokey" Gir chirped "How do I do that?"

"There should be a playlist called 'Gir's cartoons' in the databanks" Dib replied, he got an uncharacteristic silence in response.

"I can't read that much" Gir finally answered.

Dib took a deep breath in and let it out, right, Gir wasn't very old yet "Sorry, I forgot" he paused to think for a moment "Alright, Gir. Do you know how to write your name?"

"Uh-huh"

"OK, try finding the playlist that starts with your name, there's only one" A minute of silence followed, presumably as the child looked for his name, before a few noises of distress began sounding overhead. Worried, Dib asked "Are you alright Gir?"

"No~!" Gir's voice replied, sounding on the verge of tears "I can't find it, there's one that has my name, but there's a flicky thing and an S at the end and then a word I can't read and I don't know what the S is for!"

"Shh, shh calm down Gir, it's OK" Dib soothed, trying to diffuse the distraught preschooler "That's the right playlist, the flick and s after your name means it belongs to you"

"You mean I found it?" Gir asked, his voice instantly brightening.

"Yep, good job, Gir" Dib smiled with a awkward thumbs up.

"Yaaay!" Gir cheered, sounding very proud of himself before starting up the videos.

With Gir once again placated, Dib turned back to the machine and continued his work; hopefully he'd finish before the cartoons ceased to be entertaining.

* * *

"Alright" Zim nodded, his hands planted firmly on his hips as he stood dramatically in front of a large building "Tonight we take the first steps towards our future" he took Gir's hand "Come Gir, the secret to world conquest awaits"

He lead the smaller child inside and up to the front desk "Do you have the materials I requested?" He asked the worker at the front, who nodded in reply "Good, bring them to the usual table" The worker followed Zim & Gir to the table and set down a large stack of books and CDs.

"Studying hard, aren't you? Have fun kids" the librarian said before returning to the front.

Zim took two books from the pile and set one in front of CompuGir who gave him a doubtful look "What is the point of this?"

"Research, I have an idea I want to try, but I need to check a few things first" he stated as he set the other book down and opened it. "Normally I'd have to do this by myself since Gir can't read well enough, but you're made to gather information, so you can take some of the books"

The sour expression on CompuGir's face hadn't changed "I don't believe you're using my abilities to their full potential"

"That's because I'm not finished yet" Zim grinned, confident in his own brilliance, before taking out the disk player and slipping it on Gir's head "You're a computer, meaning you can read and listen at the same time, so I set aside some audio books as well"

"I'm good for more than this" CompuGir stated "I can download information directly from any digital sources at a rate of 600 Terrabites per second. Besides that, I come preprogrammed with the necessary defensive and offensive techniques to defend the building I'm connected to"

Zim looked up from his seat across from Gir's, with the distance between them short enough for both to take books from the pile; it was a tempting offer, but…

"After everything's back to normal, you're not doing any of that while you're still in Gir's body" He finally said with a tone that there was no room for negotiation; taking advantage of CompuGir's processing power was one thing, but letting him put Gir's body jeopardy was another matter altogether. "I'll build you a robot one when we get back, or something" He added before flipping his book back up, in doing so he missed the withering glare CompuGir was shooting at him before aggressively raising his own book.

* * *

Dib smiled in satisfaction at a job well done, wiping the sweat from his brow before closing everything up. Since Zim still had CompuGir, there was nothing more he could do for the process until they returned, so he decided to take advantage of having his tools out to work on a few projects in the meantime. No sooner had he brought everything to the workbench than he looked up to find a screen showing a hysterical man in a strange yellow costume just inches away from his face, evidently Gir had switched to Earth television at some point.

"Look! The Taco Man's on TV, can we go?"

"No, Gir. There's not really any point in us going" Dib calmly replied.

"Why not?" Gir asked, his face now filling the screen. Dib pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed: deep breaths Dib, think back to when you were his stage, you still had a good example for parenting then.

"Why do you want to go to the taco place?" Dib asked in what he hoped was at least close to the tone he remembered from early childhood.

"To get some tacos" Gir smiled.

"And how are you going to eat the tacos once you have them?"

"That's silly!" Gir giggled at the question "I'd just put them my mouth and- oh" He cut his own thought short as he realised that he had no mouth to eat tacos with. "I guess we should wait a little"

Dib nodded in agreement "Still, you figured it out by yourself. Good job Gir"

"Yaaay!" Gir cheered, earning himself a fond smile from Dib as the latter pulled open the drawer. This whole ordeal was going surprisingly smoothly, and he had to give credit to Gir for managing to stay fairly calm throughout all of it, especially for someone his age.

As he reached into the drawer Dib noticed something missing; normally the laser welder would be here, he pulled the drawer out to check and make sure he hadn't just missed it, nothing. Next he searched the neighbouring drawers on the off chance that he had put it in the wrong spot, still no.

"Gir" he called towards the ceiling

"Yes?"

"Can you see the laser welder anywhere? It looks like a big, blue metal pen" He didn't think it would be somewhere else, he always put it away since it was one of the few dangerous objects he owned, but it didn't hurt to check.

"Nope! No big metal pens!" Gir chirped.

Alright, now this was just weird, it being left outside it's drawer was odd enough, but the entire house? Unless….But Zim hadn't tried running off with anything since the Megadoomer incident. Still, it was probably better to check, he got the communicator and pulled up Zim's number, after a moment of waiting the boy answered.

"What is it Dib? I'm in the middle of working on my latest plan for world conquest"

"Did you see my welder earlier? It's steel blue and looks like a big, metal pen; I can't find it anywhere and I was wondering if maybe you noticed something" He was careful not to sound accusatory; he didn't know if Zim had it or not, and if he did the boy would either boast of how he'd managed to get it, or dig his heels in and refuse to give him any answers, and he'd rather not risk the latter.

"No, I haven't seen your welder, why would I-" His answer was cut short as he turned to see his new underling holding something that was a fairly close match to the description, pointing it at his face to be exact. "Dib, I've found it" his expression shifted from startled to stern "Put that down"

CompuGir's face stayed fixed in an expression that seemed very out of place on Gir "I don't want to" he said in a cold monotone that felt equally unnatural.

"Gi-CompuGir" Zim warned in his big brother voice "Put that down, _now_"

The child's posture shifted as if he were preparing to lunge at Zim as he switched the welder on "Make me"

The two of them stood frozen for a second before Zim fully registered what was happening and, in a rare moment of doing the sensible thing, he turned and ran. He couldn't be completely certain, but he was sure he felt a spot of hot air coming from where he had been standing a minute ago, which was all he needed to push him to run faster and look for a place to strategise.

"Zim? What's happening? Are you alright?"

His eyes darted to the phone, still in his hand, still connected to Dib's, he'd completely forgotten the call was still going.

"CompuGir took your welder, he's attacking me with it"

"What!? Ok, where are you right now?"

"At the library. Why do y-" Before he could finish the crunching sound of the security camera being smashed came from behind him and he ducked behind a shelf to shield himself from the debris, pressing the off button and ending the call in the process.

* * *

"My brother's in trouble, isn't he?" Gir said more than asked, even with the screen off and no visible face, Dib could tell he was staring at the communicator screen just as he was.

"Yeah…I'd say he's in trouble" Dib nodded. Frankly 'in trouble' was a huge understatement; the welder was made for metal work and could do considerable damage to unprotected skin and likely burn through whatever Zim's clothes were made from. The fact that it was Gir's body chasing after him might reduce the risk, given the limits of somebody his age, though that also raised the risk of Gir being injured if the A.I. didn't improve his coordination.

Either way there was a very real possibility of one of them getting hurt, Dib supposed he could use the ship to step in, but that would mean leaving Gir alone-

"Ok, let's go" Gir declared.

Dib's attempt to voice the questions this raised were cut off by the sensation of the floor shaking beneath him and the realisation that the house was slowly rising up. A quick glance out the window confirmed that Gir was standing up as his line of sight passed by the roof of the garage, he didn't even know the house could do that, looking down he could see the house being supported by four mechanical limbs that looked a little familiar….

"Why a dog?" Dib asked.

"I like doggies, it's easier like this too" Gir replied in a tone that Dib could tell was probably accompanied by a shrug.

It made sense, keeping your balance as a quadruped was much easier than as a biped, so Gir would have an easier time moving as one; especially since he wasn't used to being a house and the stability of his gait wasn't very consistent even in his usual body.

The Vortian's train of thought was once again interrupted as the house leapt forward around him and he had to grab the window sill to keep himself from being sent flying. He cautiously opened an eye, expecting the living room to be a complete disaster and to potentially have to dodge a piece of furniture, but amazingly everything was mostly staying in place. The sofa was shifting from side to side a little but nowhere near as much as you'd expect under the circumstances and everything in the cabinets mostly stayed in place as well.

With the length of Gir's steps it would only take a couple of minutes to reach the library. However, about halfway there Gir came to a sudden stop with no visible reason why; none of the stop lights were preventing him from going forward, nor were there any people or animals crossing.

"Why did you stop?" Dib asked as he scrambled to catch a few items that were falling off the shelves, apparently Gir had somehow been keeping them in place.

"It's the toy store!" Gir cheered "They gots furbies there, hi furbies!" The balance shifted slightly as he waved at the window.

"Gir, don't forget why we're out"

"Oh, right!" Gir presumably nodded before continuing his sprint to the library.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim had managed to avoid being injured, but CompuGir was keeping him on the defensive; both because he was far more coordinated than Gir, and because of Zim's reluctance to risk injuring Gir's body. To make matters worse, CompuGir had destroyed the security cameras and the other people in the main area either had been knocked out or simply couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't break their concentration.

Currently he was perched in one of the bookshelves, attempting to form a strategy; there had to be something he could do that would incapacitate CompuGir, while leaving Gir's body in good enough shape for him to return to in a few hours. Then it clicked: Gir was only about four years old, his usual bedtime wasn't that far away, he just had to wait for him to get tired. Yes, he could outlast him.

He could hear the footsteps now as CompuGir came closer to his hiding place, but Zim had another level of protection. From his...strategising corner (not a hiding place, never a hiding place) he found the perfect thing to use: a large number of thick volumes with flexible softcovers, ones that nobody would care if they got damaged and likely wouldn't notice had been for a long time.

When his opponent came close enough he stepped out in a set of makeshift armour, made up of books on tax law.

At this point he hadn't decided if he would lead CompuGir on a chase through the library in an effort to exhaust him, or use the protection offered by the book armour to try and disarm him; the decision was made for him as he took his first step forward and one of the books slid off. Fine chasing it was. Actually this worked perfectly as his pursuer would be slowed down as he had to dodge the books as they fell off...not to mention armour made of paper offered rather poor protection against a welder.

* * *

A salty ocean breeze teased at long blonde hair as a young woman strolled along the beach, the small waves lapped at the shore, softening the footprints she left behind as she walked. Her pace quickened upon spotting _him_; her beloved was here, rugged, tanned, and sleeveless. The flowing skirt she wore fluttered as she was swept into his strong arms, their embrace pleasantly silhouetted by the pink of the sunlight skirting the horizon while they professed their undying love for each other.

While this was going on the somewhat younger would-be couple watching blushed as they realised their hands were touching. Both in their early teens, they had come here under the pretense of studying and proceeded to borrow the most romantic movie the librarian would lend them in hopes of enjoying their first kiss.

They were close now, just a few inches more...

"SERIOUSLY!? There's nothing in this one either!?"

Both whipped around to see a tiny boy standing in the doorway, sporting a frustrated scowl and a backpack he could probably empty out to use as a sleeping bag. At roughly four foot nothing neither of them thought he could be more than eight years old.

"Do you mind!?" One half of the pair objected.

"Not really" the boy replied without a hint of sarcasm, completely straight faced; as if the couple's anger, or any part of this situation for that matter, didn't register at all.

"Get out of here!" The other teenager shouted

"Fine! My little brother can have you! See if I care!" The boy yelled in frustration as he stormed off, leaving the couple to try and pick up where they left off. Only to be interrupted by another child throwing the door open.

"Geez! What do you have to do to get a little privacy around here!?"

The exclamation was accompanied by one of the cushions being thrown at the intruder, which he effortlessly caught, like a programmed machine, before setting what looked to them like a giant laser pointer aside and stoically ripping the cushion in half, dropping the pieces on the floor. He shot both of them a look that said 'destruction is too good for you' as he picked up the device and left.

It took a minute for both of them to realise that they were clinging to each other in fear, at least they were touching. That counted as a success, right?

* * *

Meanwhile, Zim was busy searching for an exit; forget longer term strategies like keeping CompuGir in the library and away from the general populace, he had already lost too much ground in the video lounge, at this point he just needed to keep away from him long enough for him to get tired. Something Gir's body, unfortunately, took a long time to do.

He felt a slight twinge of relief as he saw the carpet flooring give way to tile, that meant he was likely in the staff area, and more importantly, close to an emergency exit.

Instead he was met with a washed out reflection of his face in the vending machine.

"Curse you, snacks! Curse you!" He shouted as he delivered a swift kick to the window; to make things worse there wasn't even anything particularly good in the machine. In a brief moment between blows to the machine he heard the sound of wheels squeaking, and narrowly managed to avoid the book trolley CompuGir rode towards him before it crashed where he had been standing a moment before, causing the tempered glass to crumble into little clear pebbles.

Amazingly, both children were unharmed by the impact and as CompuGir stood, Zim spotted something he quickly hid behind his back as he inched towards the carpet. The only doors he knew for certain were there were the ones way at the front of the library, while there was likely an emergency exit nearby, looking for it wasn't worth the risk of potentially running into another dead end trying to find it. While the collision bought him some time, it didn't take long for CompuGir to climb down off the trolley and start making up the distance, a little over halfway to the door he drew close enough that Zim decided it was time to use his back up plan.

"Look what I have" he called before tossing a sealed packet, he grinned as CompuGir ran to grab it, while exclaiming in confusion; it had been a bit of a gamble relying on Gir's fondness for gummies and hoping instinct would win out and make him go after them, but evidently it had paid off.

The doors weren't far ahead now, just a little more and he'd make it through. As he drew closer he noticed what he saw through the glass wasn't a starry sky, but a very familiar paint job. He took one step on the pavement after making it through the library doors before stumbling into Dib's living room, not even bothering to wonder how he was there as the Vortian closed the door behind him with one hand and hugged him with the other.

"Zim! Are you alright?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine" The boy replied with a tone of agitation "CompuGir's right behind me"

"You hold the door closed, I'll go in the kitchen and lock up anything sharp" Dib instructed, and for once Zim wasn't inclined to argue. Less than a minute after he took over the door, Zim could feel somebody trying to force it open from the other side; with Dib still locking up the kitchen, he briefly considered calling for assistance. However, he didn't even have time for his usual mental gymnastics to debate it before the door opened just wide enough for CompuGir to use tools and physics to quickly pry open the door and knock him over.

"I'm willing to overlook this" the older boy said from the floor "Just put the welder down and we can go back to doing our research as if none of this happened"

"You don't even realise this is why I must do this, do you? You're too much of a sentimental twit to be the ruler of anything" CompuGir stated as Zim scrambled to his feet "You've been basing the way you treat me on the fact that I'm walking around in your little brother's body, it doesn't matter that I'm clearly not him, or that his consciousness is in a computer mainframe, you still treat me like a human child. Despite getting annoyed if someone does the same to you, you little hypocrite"

"Little!? I'm taller than you!" Zim retorted, standing up as straight as possible to emphasise it, CompuGir briefly shot him an unimpressed look before taking advantage of the opening and lunging at him.

It happened too quickly for Zim to dodge, and definitely too fast for Dib to stop him as he came in from the kitchen. Zim flinched as CompuGir pressed the welder against his cheek.

Only to be underwhelmed as he realised it was barely warm.

Dib let out a sigh of relief; for years he'd been told it was a bad habit on his part that he never remembered to charge his devices after using them and just connected them when he had to, but he felt this proved them wrong. The battery must have run down while the children were in the library, the light had a separate power source so it had seemed to be on this entire time when, in fact, it had nearly cooled down completely.

CompuGir growled in frustration before swinging it at Zim, who managed to dodge the worst of it. He'd have a nasty bruise on his arm for the next little while, even with the layer of fabric softening the blow, but it was still far less severe than he could have received. Before the smaller child could take another swing, he found his feet were no longer touching the ground, he glanced back and saw that Dib had his arms hooked around his. He kicked his feet uselessly in the air and he flailed the welder around, despite being impeded by half of each arm being immobilised, and screamed at both of them.

"Zim, run!" Dib urged as he tried to hold CompuGir back. Even though Gir was still considerably smaller than him, he struggled to restrain him as he made a genuine effort to break free. He managed to last a minute or so before Gir succeeded in kicking his knee, forcing it to bend and allowing CompuGir to get his own feet on the ground again.

He tried to chase after Zim, but Dib was annoyingly persistent and continued to hold onto his arm. CompuGir tried yanking it away, but Dib's hand only slipped towards his wrist, he brought his other hand around to try and pry the Vortian's hand away, eventually succeeding, but at the cost of disarming himself as Dib managed to wrestle the welder away from him.

It didn't matter, even without it there was plenty he could do.

Elsewhere, Zim may have gotten away, but it was only a band-aid solution. He looked around for something he could use to defend himself, but once again was unable to find something that wouldn't hurt Gir's body. Even worse, he could hear what was happening in the living room and that CompuGir was after him again.

As the footsteps drew closer Zim hastily grabbed a rubber spatula from the kitchen and darted into the hall before his pursuer could see where he was going.

"This way" Gir's voice urged from overhead "I opened the e- es? Ele? The box thingy for you!" In the time it had taken him to say this, CompuGir had joined him in the hall, the open elevator could be seen at the end, just a few feet away, but CompuGir was catching up. Zim had almost made it when he felt a hand tugging on one side of his backpack and swatted it with the spatula before sprinting through the elevator doors which shut behind him, just a few seconds later the pounding on the door and angry screaming started.

However the doors held, and Gir's body was nowhere near strong enough to pry them open, an attempt to find a tool to open the doors was cut short as Gir dropped a metal wall from the fire proofing system in the way, leaving CompuGir with nothing to do and no threats he could follow through on. That didn't stop him from screaming and pounding at the door while Zim stayed pressed against the back of the elevator.

"Aww! Don't worry big brother, I'll keep you safe" Gir said in a voice you could hear the smile in as a smaller mechanical arm dropped from the ceiling and nudged Zim "Or I guess I'm the bigger one now, like the guys in the phone book Skoodge showed me!"

"Don't get used to it" Zim replied with a small frown "And I'm not worried! The pounding on the door is just getting on my nerves!" he added defensively.

"Ok" Gir replied before lowering another door by the elevator, making the noise travel through another layer "There we go, all fixed. Wanna watch a movie while we wait?"

Zim agreed and after contacting Dib and confirming everyone was alright, they arranged for everyone to meet on a lower level and watch a movie together. By the time it had ended CompuGir had realised Zim was no longer there, gone back to planning to escape, and eventually fallen asleep from a combination of exertion and the late hour.

* * *

"Is this about right?" Dib asked as he and Zim positioned Gir so he could go back in his body, a task made difficult by the fact that his head had to be in a specific place, but they were advised against holding him themselves and being close to the data stream. Asleep with his hands zip tied behind his back, just in case, he wasn't able to hold himself up and instead was leaning against a short chair surrounded by cushions in case he flopped over.

"That's fine, now get out of the way" Gaz replied from her place by the panel, once the house had returned to its proper place, she had eventually returned indoors in time to see the end of the movie. After that she had been recruited to be the one to return Gir to normal as it was unanimously decided this called for the more practised hands of the resident programming expert. Once they were out of the way, Gaz switched the machine on which filled the room with the same blinding light as before.

As soon as it cleared, Zim ran over to Gir with Dib close behind him, he nudged Gir's shoulder until his eyes opened and urged him to respond, anxious to see if he'd been restored to normal.

"Aww, I wanted to sleep on the floor" Gir replied groggily, prompting Zim to let out a sigh of relief; yep, he was back to normal. As the two of them fussed over the child and freed his hands, Gaz turned her attention to the cause of all this.

The drive was visibly burnt out, the once clear crystal now cloudy and grey inside, even without her technological expertise Gaz could have told at a glance that there would be no salvaging it. As she removed it from the console something caught her attention, something that made even her unflappable demeanor falter.

"You're lucky nobody died" she stated, holding the drive up and gesturing to the model number "This model is part of a massive recall issued a few weeks ago after one shut off its house's A.I. and started tampering with the thermal controls. The owner had acute hypothermia when the rescue team finally got there, apparently it got mad at him for using it to look up animal videos" A heavy silence hung in the air before Gaz shooed everyone else upstairs so she could check the remaining drives and install a suitable replacement 'Without anyone getting underfoot'.

Once upstairs Gir was set on the sofa as Zim and Dib once again tried and failed to make any progress on the assignment, not that either had genuinely expected to, before Zim picked up Gir to return home, turning down Dib's offer to carry the smaller child for him before leaving for the night.

* * *

When he arrived home a few minutes later, Zim was already beginning to deeply regret not taking Dib's offer to carry Gir for him; he was fine before, but just the short trip to his house was enough for the evening to catch up to him and leave him completely exhausted. Even more so after hauling Gir up the stairs.

As he stood in the upstairs hall he found himself hesitating; he'd originally planned to put Gir to bed in his own room, but now he found himself remembering when all of this started and the panic he felt when Gir collapsed. At the same time there was also the image of that faulty drive chasing after him in Gir's body, but….

While he was standing there he felt Gir grip a fistful of his tunic and nuzzle against him. Fine, you've made your point. "Gir" he whispered "Are you awake enough to put your pajamas on & brush your teeth?"

The only response he got was a little bit of mumbling, typical, Gir just _had_ to make this difficult, didn't he? Fine. He brought Gir into his room and worked his shoes off before setting him down on the bed and going to get himself ready, just because Gir was going to let himself sleep in dirty clothes and without cleaning his teeth didn't mean he had to as well.

Once he returned and slipped into bed, Gir immediately cuddled against him, as if he intuitively knew Zim was back, and Zim wrapped an arm around Gir. It had been a tough, stressful night for both of them, and both felt a little more at ease knowing the other was safe nearby. Zim had expected to feel on edge after what happened at the library and to spend an hour or so calming down, but between his physical exhaustion and emotional relief, both of them were asleep in just a few minutes.

* * *

The next morning was Saturday, which was just as well since both of them ended up sleeping later than normal and likely would have slept through any alarm that had been set. Under normal circumstances Zim liked to spend this time working away on a project, but these weren't normal circumstances; thus the two of them were spending an afternoon downtown, going to the park and an eclectic variety of stores for a nice afternoon of togetherness.

After a few hours a familiar garish facade caught Zim's attention, the much dreaded Krazy Taco. As much as he hated the chain, the events of the past night were still fresh in his mind; namely the moment of panic when Gir collapsed and the tension around whether they could successfully restore him to normal….and admittedly there was a small part of him buried deep down that acknowledged he probably should have taken a moment from getting excited over seeing the control room to make sure Gir wasn't near anything he shouldn't have been.

And this place _was_ Gir's favourite, he could endure being there just this once.

"Gir, do you want to go get some of the taco filth you like so much?" he said in unison with Gir's pulling on his hand and saying "I wanna go here!"

A silent pause followed as he realised where Gir was pointing: one of Zim's favourite bakeries. Granted, Gir liked it well enough too, but he always wanted to go to the Krazy Taco when he saw it, often enough that Zim had actually planned alternate routes when Gir was with him specifically to avoid the child spotting it. There was no way he hadn't seen this one, so why would he ask to go to the bakery instead? The younger sibling was the first to break the silence.

"You don't like the Krazy Taco" Gir said "I remember. Are you taking me because of last night?"

"Perhaps" Zim replied, taken off guard by Gir's perceptiveness and trying to save face "What about you?"

"Uh-huh" Gir nodded "You really like that place, and CompuGir tried to hurt you. There wouldn't of been a CompuGir if I'd waited to get my toy back"

This got a small, but warm smile from Zim before the two agreed to each get something they wanted from their preferred place to eat together on a nearby bench. It took a bit of shooing a guy away from the cleaner one, but soon the two of them were able to sit down and enjoy both their chosen treats and a pleasant afternoon together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's an odd bit of trivia: the show itself started airing in 2001, so while I've tried to keep what shows up on the page fairly neutral, none of the references to show up thus far have actually been to anything that existed after the point in time this would be if it were taking place when the show aired (about mid October 2001, for this chapter), so you can decide for yourself if it's (sort of) modern times or if it's 2001. I mention this now since this chapter actually contains a reference that just slipped under the wire; when Gir talks about the "Story from the phone book Skoodge showed him", he's actually referring to Fullmetal Alchemist, which has a running gag of people thinking the younger brother is older because he's a huge suit of armour and because the actual older brother is really short.
> 
> The series started in the July 2001 issue of Shounen Gangan Monthly, which would have actually released in June; just enough time for somebody to buy a few copies and sell them at a convention during the summer. Whether Skoodge can read Japanese and knows enough to tell which sibling is which, or the person at the booth just gave him the summary is up to you, but if you've ever seen a manga magazine, you'll know why Gir calls it a phone book. (Really though, if you look back you'll notice things like only Pokemon from the first two generations being referenced, the new one that was announced was Ruby & Sapphire, which had it's first publicly shown images in 2001)
> 
> Besides that, the scene where Gir's looking for the playlist was the first part I physically wrote out and was actually based off an incident when I was about the same age where my parents were buying me one of those pamphlets with stickers that attached using static, and I ended up being terribly frustrated that I could recognise the word 'cat', and the S that followed it, but wasn't piecing together what it meant and that I was reading the word 'Cats' and that most of them had the same thing.
> 
> Next time we're going to have the first holiday chapter. It's a bit funny though, I remember posting a preview of it in one of the earlier chapters because I was expecting it to be posted a while away from the actual holiday, but now it's going to be fairly close, mid to late September. This one I'm really excited for, so I'm looking forward to finally sharing it with everyone; stay safe everyone, I'll see you soon (-^.^-)/


	23. March of the Halloweenies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm finally posting this, the Halloween chapter, and the timing is really...something else.
> 
> To explain this chapter has had a really long history and was one of the last ones for me to have an idea for out of the ones I put in my original list; I knew I wanted to do it, but it took a while for me to have a solid idea for how everything would work...and then this ended up being the longest chapter to date, and I actually started to panic a little at how long it was getting, then one of the last scenes needed to be retouched when I was proof reading to help it flow better. Some of you might remember one of the earlier chapters having a small preview because I genuinely thought it would be going up much earlier in the year, but now it's just a month or so early.
> 
> But it's also, sort of the first anniversary of the story, or at least the day that was supposed to be.
> 
> The short version is today is also the 4th anniversary of my Dad dying, which is part of the reason I started posting the story when I did; to have some else that was a bit more positive happening on the anniversary. It also makes that this is the chapter that ends up being posted today a little...interesting, you'll see why later on.
> 
> On a lighter note, there's a fun little Easter egg a couple of you might recognise when Gir starts talking about "Last year"
> 
> Enjoy Everyone

Important times in your life often happen when you aren't expecting them. Every so often you might have some idea one was coming as your efforts towards a goal pay off, or something you've known was a long time coming finally does, but often they happen without warning as what started as an ordinary day goes spectacularly wrong or right.

One such day happened for Dib as he was decorating for what he expected to be his first Halloween.

He'd first heard about the holiday, as he did with so many, at school, when the first few decorations began to spring up. Then came an hour of spending recess sequestered in the library, researching it before anyone could ask any questions about his plans, fortunately a number of countries either had different ways of celebrating or didn't observe the holiday at all, which provided a measure of protection.

Finally there had been Miss Bitters' more...colourful interpretation of its history. Namely recalling how it was once dedicated to the unknowns of the spirit world, Dib wasn't sure if he should take her claims that she knew because she was there with a grain of salt or not. In her eyes the current state of Halloween was an utter travesty, taking what was once a day that struck fear into the hearts of all, and turning it into a commercialised husk of its former self. Taking creatures of the dark & the depths of primal fear and turning them into mascots meant to facilitate the transformation of children into sugar crazed zombies.

Dib thought that assessment was a bit much, but he planned to take part in the festivities anyway. He'd bought some decorations and a simple costume from one of the many specialty stores that popped up this time of year for the occasion, and was in the middle of decorating the house when a package arrived. Rubble from the protective casing still dusted the top of the box, but he could clearly see the names on the label, and he hurriedly picked it up and brought it inside.

"I see your second childhood includes revisiting the time you tried to make our house look abandoned so you could try ghost hunting in it" Gaz joked in her customary monotone, having been drawn to the living room by the sound of a parcel arriving.

"It's for Halloween, you're supposed to decorate the house with creepy stuff" Dib explained "And that was before I knew how these things worked! I couldn't explore anywhere haunted with my ankle messed up, so I thought I could get a ghost to move in"

Gaz only responded with a look he had seen many times before in response to his childhood escapades as Dib opened the box to reveal two smaller ones, each addressed to one of the siblings, something their father had taken to doing with the packages he sent them. Dib was quietly grateful for this, even with all the time they had spent together, he was still somewhat afraid to learn just what was in his sister's packages, he recalled one that glowed and carried a faint smell of formaldehyde.

Opening his own box, he found a strange, but comparatively small machine with a thick envelope attached, the first thing he found inside was a letter which read:

Hello Son

I'm sending you a prototype of a device my company's been working on,

it allows you to look into alternate realities, including the minds of other people,

given your love of exploring I thought you would get a lot of enjoyment out of it.

It can be a bit temperamental, so I've attached a list of instructions for operating it

and what can be done if something goes wrong, be sure to read it carefully before starting it up.

Do your best, and stay curious

Your Father, Professor Membrane

Despite calling each other regularly, his father still seemed to have trouble conveying his feelings in writing, besides that he'd also signed it as if he were responding to a piece of fan mail, but Dib appreciated the thought and effort that had gone into it. It still felt a little odd to have him sending packages and letters at all, but in a nice way, whenever something like this happened it always felt like a pleasant surprise.

The rest of the envelope's contents were the instructions for the machine, which he set aside along with the box to take a closer look at after he finished decorating.

A few hours later the house's decorations were complete and Dib went upstairs to try on his costume, rather unfortunate timing considering Zim wandered in a few minutes later and the moment he did, his attention was drawn to the device. There was a stack of papers next to it that were promptly overlooked in favour of satisfying his curiosity about this new piece of technology as quickly as possible.

* * *

Dib was upstairs, sporting a dark blue robe with a star & moon pattern on it, and a matching pointy hat large enough to cover his horns when he switched his disguise off. He gave his reflection an appraising look: did he want to be a normal wizard, or a funny wizard that had just botched a transformation spell?

His musings were interrupted when he heard the inevitable sounds of something going wrong downstairs. He rushed into the hall and, sure enough, there was Zim with the prototype in his hands as it started up

"Zim! Put that down!" Dib called as he crossed the hall and tried to pull it away from the child, instead it scanned both of them and a gust of wind whipped around them as a portal opened up, pulling them inside before disappearing and the device floated gently to the floor.

Gaz had caught the end of this and approached the site with a look of concern on her face, a micro expression of concern by most's standards, but a look of concern nonetheless. She set her tablet down as she picked up the stack of papers and read through them with the speed of somebody used to quickly making her way through in game text without missing clues to a later puzzle.

Her expression relaxed as she finished the document; from what she had seen and read she was able to piece together what had happened and it wasn't nearly as bad as it looked. She picked the tablet back up and took a seat on the sofa before returning to work.

* * *

Once everything settled, Zim & Dib found themselves somewhere strange; they were no longer in Dib's house, or any building for that matter, instead they were outside in a small plaza in some sort of town that was a jarring mix of familiar and not. The plaza itself was somewhere neither had ever been before, but individual elements were recognisable: a corner store here, a mailbox there, it was especially so for Dib as he realised much of the architecture was Vortian.

One building in particular captured his attention and drew him closer "I remember this store" Dib breathed as he set a hand on the smooth, cool brickwork, it felt just as he remembered it. "They had all kinds of old toys and videos" he paused "But, they went out of business when I was a kid, it's an ice cream place now" he still had a video he'd bought when they sold everything off. It had a few episodes of an old cartoon series and been part of the video library, when he was little he used to borrow it with-

Wait. How did the building feel the same? It was an old fashioned building that used decorative paving titles in irregular shapes, when he was little he always used to put his hand on the one yellow tile, it was just the right size for him to spread his hand over the surface and have the base of his palm and tips of his fingers match against the edges. His hands had grown since then and were much too big to do the same with the real one, yet the yellow tile was still the right size to spread his hand against the same way.

The window display too was an amalgam of several different ones, he could tell just from how the contents combined several holidays: there was the star they always put out for New Years, and the ghost lanterns for ancestor day several months later, and a toy he remembered spending weeks saving up for. When he'd saved up enough and went to buy it was gone, he'd used some of the money to buy a present for Gaz, who was just barely old enough to start buying things there, but when he'd gotten home it had been in his room, waiting for him. He never did figure out who bought it.

"I think...I think this is a memory...My memory"

As the two of them explored down a nearby street, he realised why there was so much Vortian architecture; there were a few buildings that repeated themselves, spotting the ice cream place that had replaced the used toy store confirmed it. Oddly it looked smaller and, despite having seen it like this more recently, felt less defined than it did as a toy store. There were also things that looked familiar but had never existed, at least not in the real world, things and places he'd imagined as something else when he was little appeared as the things he imagined them to be, like the patch of trees he was once sure was full of tiny, odd creatures now sporting little houses for them.

He commented this aloud before noticing some things didn't look familiar in the slightest, specifically some of the human architecture. A theory began to form and as the pair walked further it was confirmed: some of this had to have come from Zim.

"So how do we get home?" Zim finally asked "I need to get back and take Gir trick or treating"

"I don't know" Dib answered "This is experimental tech, there was a set of instructions, but I hadn't read them yet"

"How do you not know how to get back!? This world is based on _your_ mind!"

"I think it's based on _both_ of our minds" Dib said, pointing to an enormous golden statue of Zim posed dramatically a few metres away. The boy didn't appear to be convinced, and gave Dib a look as if another person's imagination having the statue didn't seem strange to him in the slightest. Rather than arguing about it, Dib just shook his head "Anyway, we should try and find my house, there's probably a copy of the prototype there we can use to get home" and with that the two of them pressed on.

Several minutes later Zim's patience was already wearing thin. "How much longer until we find your house, Dib?"

"I'm not sure" Dib replied, he was already stressed from the situation they were in "Nothing here is where it's supposed to be"

"Isn't there some way of looking faster!?" Zim shouted "I have to get back to Gir! He's waiting for me to take him out for Halloween!"

"I know, but there's nothing I can do" Dib held back from pointing out that Zim caused this mess by touching the machine in the first place, getting him mad wasn't going to solve anything "I'm just one person"

Zim went quiet for a moment "Let's split up"

"What?" Dib exclaimed "I'm not sure that's a good idea"

"Of course it's a good idea, it's mine!" Zim objected "Besides you just said that it's taking so long because we're looking together, if we split up we can look in twice as many places" he pulled the communicator from his backpack and called Dib, hanging up as soon as the ringing sounded from Dib's pocket "See? If one of us finds it, we can call the other"

"I suppose" Dib hesitantly said, that wasn't exactly meant by 'I'm just one person', but didn't have a chance to say so before Zim ran off.

* * *

Gaz was seated in the living room, busily typing away, when she heard the doorbell ring. She attempted to ignore it, but whoever was on the other side of the door kept pressing it, eventually to some kind of simple melody. The woman silently cursed her brother having decorated for Halloween and inviting people to come bother them as she rose from her seat and answered the door. On the other side she found Zim's younger brother, holding a bag nearly as large as he was and sporting a shiny metallic looking costume.

"Oh, it's you" she said flatly "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a robot!" Gir chirped with more enthusiasm than Gaz felt was warranted "Where's my brother? We're supposed to go trick or treating soon"

"He's with Dib, stuck in an alternate reality based on both their perspectives and experiences, they should be back in a couple hours" she informed Gir as if she were telling him their brothers had gone grocery shopping; it wasn't like this was the first time her's had found himself in parallel world, they'd both be fine.

Gir, however, deflated slightly at this "But we were gonna go trick or treating! It'll almost be my bedtime by then!" like Gaz he knew his brother would be alright, in his case because his was always alright, but this was only his second time going and he'd really been looking forward to it. Then a thought occurred to him and he instantly brightened "Ooh! I know! You can go with me"

Gaz's expression didn't change beyond a raised eyebrow "Are you serious?"

The child's expression said he was indeed serious "Uh-huh, Halloween's fun! It's about candy and scary stuff, you like scary stuff!"

"I don't have a costume" Gaz answered, hoping this would bring an end to the issue, but the child's expression told her it hadn't.

"Yes you do" Gir grinned "You're wearing a costume now! You always have to wear a costume when you go outside, so your costume could be not wearing a costume"

The other eyebrow went up, that was more insightful than she'd thought Gir capable of; for something like this she could probably get away with simply turning her disguise off, and she might have accepted were it not for the abundance of other people to be annoyed by.

"And what makes you so sure I even _want_ to go?" She asked with more irritation than she normally would have in an effort to dissuade Gir before he could convince her, unfortunately a lifetime of living with Zim had made him skilled at seeing through the veneer of anger people sometimes hid behind.

"You looked a little like you wanted to go but didn't want to say" Gir shrugged "My brother gets that look sometimes"

This caught Gaz off guard, Gir often made enough noise to be heard in the neighbouring rooms when he came over, and from what she'd overheard during those visits, she hadn't expected him to pick up on something like that. Rather than comment on it, she begrudgingly agreed to go with him and the two walked off into the night.

* * *

Zim trudged along the road, scowling at the indecipherable scenery; this evening wasn't living up to his expectations in the slightest. He had planned on leaving to go trick or treating with Gir by now! As it was, Gir was probably wondering where he was, what if he went looking for him, or tried going out on his own?

On top of that, he hadn't found any way of getting back, not Dib's house, not anything. He'd expected to have found _something_ by now, he'd been searching for several minutes already. After this long he should have found the way back, then he'd call Dib over and they'd go home and Dib would stop acting as if Zim would blow himself up if left alone for 10 minutes.

It was then he spotted something that instantly improved his mood.

There in the distance he could see a building he recognised, not Dib's house, but something that could help him find a way home. Inside was a surveillance room that should connect to cameras hidden throughout…whatever you called this, there was an astronomy tower as well, equipped with telescopes he could also use to check the surrounding area.

He should know, after all, he was the one who made it.

The building Zim had seen was the fortresses/castle he planned to build for himself once he ruled the world, if he could get inside he could easily search for a way home. Not to mention this was the perfect chance to see it in person; if he were to be perfectly honest, the latter reason had quickly taken over, but there was no reason he couldn't do both. Either way it gave him the boost of motivation needed to pick up his pace and in just a few minutes he had made it to the door.

By the time he reached the front door excitement to see the building in person had all but completely eclipsed everything else, just look at the door! He easily pushed it open and his eyes lit up upon seeing the inside: the walls, floors and ceilings were all decorated in his favourite colours, shades of purple and raspberry pink that leaned towards the warm and vibrant. The halls were lined with thick wooden doors that successfully blocked much of the sound from bothering anyone on the other side, as well as paintings, statues and tapestries that were all variations on the same theme: this was Zim's home, and Zim reigned supreme.

As he admired his handiwork he picked up what sounded like voices coming from one of the doors, loud enough that he could hear as he walked by, curious he drew closer and pressed his ear against the door. Sure enough he could pick up on snippets of a conversation, Zim nodded in satisfaction as he listened, that must be the servants. He straightened his posture and adopted a suitably haughty expression before crisply pushing the door open and striding into the room, ready to command his people.

His expression faltered slightly when he opened his eyes and actually saw who was on the other side of the door: these were definitely not the servants.

* * *

While he couldn't be sure, Dib suspected it had been over half an hour from when this whole mess started, and one thing struck him as a bit strange. In all this time he hadn't seen a single person besides Zim; there were indicators that they weren't alone, things like trash in the trash cans, bicycles leaning against garages, little signs of use here and there. Not to mention both of them knew people, if a random souvenir shop he went to once when he was in elementary school was here, where were all the people?

In a predictable twist of fate, it was as he was wondering this that he felt the tremour of something approaching, something big.

Acting on instinct, Dib ducked into some nearby bushes as whatever it was came into view. The creature must have been nearly seven feet tall, and built like what he could only describe as a monsterous armadillo with jagged teeth which had been crowded together in a jaw that wasn't big enough to comfortably accommodate them. There was a little patch of messy purple hair at the top that was maddeningly familiar.

"Boss, I couldn't find any of them" the creature said, the voice sounded a little higher than he'd have expected, distorted, and yet somehow still familiar sounding. The colour drained from Dib's face when he saw the 'boss': oblong bifocals that obscured eyes and further hardened the features of their wearer in the real world here made her look even more like a creature of the darkness here. The raspiness of her voice was heightened, while the shadows that concealed most of her also hid the source of a clicking sound that echoed as she moved.

It was Miss Bitters, but even more so.

"Keep searching, they have to be somewhere" she hissed as she stepped into the moonlight, revealing the cause of the clicking. In the real world she always seemed to move too swiftly and too smoothly for a human, let alone an elderly one, here the entire lower half of her body was that of a creature from one planet or another that resembled a centipede.

Dib wasn't sure if seeing her in her entirety made things better or worse though as her terrifying physique was somewhat offset by the fact that her clothes now had the word bad written on it, one of several hands held a bouquet, and her stark white hair was decorated with a veil of spider webs. Darn it Gaz, how many months had it been? And her joke about him 'becoming Mr. Bitters' still lingered.

There wasn't time to dwell on that, however, as a new thought took hold: he had to find Zim. He couldn't be sure if the two of them were the targets the monsters were referring to, but as reluctant as he had been to let the boy wander off on his own before, he was even more so now that he knew these were out there. As soon as he had an opening, he darted back to retrace his steps and try to find where Zim could have gone.

The trip back to where they had parted ways took considerably longer than leaving had as Dib was careful to keep himself hidden from any of the monstrous denizens of this world. Unfortunately, that was just the first step and upon making it there and following the direction Zim had gone, he realised that there was no guarantee the boy had stayed on the path and that he was only slightly closer to finding Zim and still had no leads on the way home after that.

He continued down the path for several minutes, keeping himself hidden while searching for Zim, until he spotted something in the distance. It wasn't who he was looking for, nor did it seem to be something threatening, rather it seemed to be a person, possibly a Vortian, with a large, lumpy head who seemed to be having a bad night.

Cautiously, Dib approached the person "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Oh I'm fine" the lumpy headed creature replied "I've just been having a rough night" from his expression he looked like he'd had a lot of rough nights over the years.

"I know how that feels" Dib sighed "I've been looking for my friend, I saw some dangerous looking….people? A while back, so I'm really worried"

"Nightmare Bitters, right? She showed up a little while ago and got all the other nightmares here organised" the creature explained "Some more like her showed up this evening, these newcomers aren't very bright, but they were already subordinate to her" he checked to make sure Dib was following what he said before continuing "Fortunately I don't think they're after Zim, there's a rebellion that's been trying to stop her from tainting everything here, that's probably who she's after"

"A castle showed up in that direction earlier as well" the creature said as he pointed in a direction slightly off the one Dib had come from "Knowing Zim, he's probably gone there. Once you find him, our house is to the north, though I'm not sure it's exactly what you'll think it'll be…."

"Thanks I-" Hold on a minute, 'our' house? And he knew he was looking for Zim? Dib squinted at the unhappy, lumpy headed creature in front of him "Wait….are you supposed to be me?"

The creature nodded sadly "Part of you, anyway"

Dib rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably "Oh….wow, I _really_ need to work on my self image" a few moments of awkward silence elapsed before he spoke again "Well, thank you for your help" he said before running off "I promise to pick up some self-help books when I get home"

"Thank you! And good luck!" the lumpy Dib called as he waved goodbye.

* * *

Meanwhile, Gir had been having a wonderful time touring around the neighbourhood with Gaz, taking in the decorations, playing games, and generally enjoying all that halloween had to offer.

Zim had taken him trick or treating for the first time last year, but the experience had been soured slightly by his brother's mixed feelings about it; namely Zim possessing the unfortunate combination of a huge sweet tooth, and a sensitivity to the horror elements of Halloween. This created a slight dilemma as he was….uncomfortable with part of the holiday but unwilling to boycott it entirely and forgo free candy. It ultimately resulted in last year's trick or treating expedition being planned like a military operation with a route designed specifically to get as much candy as possible in the shortest amount of time.

It wasn't like in cartoons with a silly name like 'Operation Spooktacular' either; partially because Zim found those names annoying, and partially because the route was also intended to minimise the amount of contact they had with any other element of the holiday beyond candy gathering. The poor boy nearly had a nervous breakdown when Gir had curiously wandered into a haunted house one of the neighbours had set up and Zim had to go get him, the neighbour in question had felt so bad about it, he'd given them both a huge amount of candy to compensate.

Even outside that, Zim was particularly impatient to be given his candy as quickly as possible, pushing past other children to avoid having them nearby and slowing things down when he visited a house and growing frustrated if the house's owner took too long. Though the ill will generated by the latter was offset somewhat by him looking younger than he actually was; it was easier to forgive a child who looked seven or eight, especially when he was taking his little brother with him.

As much as Gaz loathed to admit it, even to herself, she was actually enjoying the holiday; some of it was a bit kitschy, especially compared to her own work in the horror genre, yet somehow it was strangely fun. Though what was really surreal was that she found herself enjoying spending time with Gir. From what she'd overheard when he visited, she had expected him to be hyperactive and annoying, in truth he was the former, as were most children his age, but he could be surprisingly insightful (if inconveniently so).

"Ooh! Haunted House! Can we go?" Gir asked, excitedly tugging on Gaz's sleeve with one hand and pointing with the other.

"Fine" Gaz answered with a façade of irritation, she had no doubt this so-called haunted house would be considerably toned down for the audience, but she _was_ slightly curious.

"Yaaay!" Gir cheered, the Vortian's tone did nothing to hamper his own enthusiasm "Thank you! I tried to go last year, but we had to leave because my big brother didn't like it"

Gaz raised an eyebrow at this "Really now?"

"Uh-huh, I went in and then he went in to get me, then he got really scared and started crying a little" Gir informed in a matter of fact tone.

Gaz turned away for a moment to stifle a chuckle at this, there was something humorously fitting about little mister false bravado fighting a planet jacker, but being frightened to the brink of tears by tomato sauce on a mannequin.

"Then the neighbour guy had to take his mask off so he'd stop screaming and let him carry him out" Gir continued "The neighbour guy gave him a bunch of candy after to say sorry, then Zim pretended none of it happened" It was a good thing Zim wasn't there now or he would be utterly mortified at the story being shared "He doesn't like scary stuff very much, he doesn't like hearing about the pigeon dream either"

Now Gaz's curiosity was piqued "Pigeon dream?"

"Uh-huh, wanna hear about it?" Gaz accepted the child's offer and Gir began recounting the story as the two of them entered the haunted house.

* * *

Zim stared at the occupants of the room in wide eyed horror: one of the creatures looked like an out of shape minotaur driving a baked potato that was either another creature or part of itself with a steering wheel sticking out of the potato and a possibly fused to the minotaur's hands. Several other creatures were long and spindly, they vaguely looked like stretched out humans, with smooth, shiny faces as if they were made of plastic.

No, this was fine, he could work with this, maybe the servants were just really ugly.

"Greetings…people, I am Zim, your overlord. I hereby order you to help me find the portal home so I can go trick or treating" His voice didn't sound quite as confident as normal, but he had tried to look as commanding as possible, when he looked up and saw the expressions his piece was received with, he realised that this was not going at all the way it had in his head.

He inched towards the doorway before running out the door and down the hall.

The creatures were all too stunned to respond right away and Zim used this time to put as much distance as possible between him and them, he didn't bother to check over his shoulder to see if they were following as he turned the corner and scanned for a way out while they couldn't see where he went.

"This way" a voice urged, one that sounded surprisingly normal, coming from one of the doors, which was slightly open. Zim followed it and someone not too much bigger than him grabbed his hand and began pulling him along "Follow me" The owner of the voice didn't really give him much say in the matter, normally he'd have objected by now, but at the moment he was too preoccupied with escaping to do so until the two of them were a hidden safe distance away.

"Who are you?" Zim half asked, half demanded.

"I'm-"

"Who are you!?"

"I-" The other person shook her head as Zim interrupted again.

"WHO ARE YOU!?"

"Are you ready to listen now?" The person calmly asked, Zim begrudgingly nodded. "Alright, do I look familiar to you?"

Zim squinted; this person's build and curled horns were clearly Vortian, her coat was a warm mauve colour, and her soft amber eyes smiled at him. She sort of looked like Gaz, but not terrifying, and with a slightly different eye colour. He said as much and the Vortian laughed.

"I certainly hope she looks like me, considering I'm where half her DNA came from"

A look of realisation crossed Zim's face "You're Dib and Gaz's mother!"

The Vortian nodded "That's right, my name's Rei, I-"

"I thought you were dead"

Rei pinched the bridge of her nose in the same way her son did when….he and Zim disagreed on the brilliance of the boy's plans. "I am. That doesn't matter here"

"So are you a ghost or…"

"A memory" she corrected "This world is made from memories and thoughts, I'm from Dib's, and those newcomers must be from your's. I think I know how to get you home, you need-"

"No they're not! Zim fears no one!"

Rei's hand returned to her forehead; easy Rei, it's not like you haven't dealt with worse before.

* * *

With everything that had happened, Dib hadn't really had the opportunity to think about it, but now that things had quieted down enough for thoughts beyond surviving the moment to wander back in, there was a slight tug of disappointment that he'd likely have to wait until next year to try the usual halloween activities. True he still had more pressing matters to deal with, but he _had_ been looking forward to it, and at the rate things were going he had no idea if there was a chance of getting back before the festivities ended.

Oh well, he supposed he could try next year; he might look close to the upper range of the age that went trick or treating, but it wasn't like he was getting any taller.

As he wandered through the streets, something caught his attention; it was a good distance away, but something about a phone booth across the street didn't look right, there was something in the corner. Curious, he made his way across the street and closer to the booth, whatever was in it seemed to be alive; he really hoped whatever it was wouldn't jump out and attack him if he got too close, not that such risks had ever impeded his curiosity before.

It didn't appear to be dangerous though, now he was close enough to see it was bipedal and dressed in a baggy garment with a hood pulled over the head, the small figure was pressed into the corner of the phone booth and seemed to be trying to become even smaller.

Dib carefully opened the door "Are you alright?" he asked gently, but given the hostility he was met with he had to wonder if he'd sounded the way he thought he did.

"Get away from me, goat monster!" the person shouted, swinging a small tote bag at him, from the pitch of the voice they couldn't have been very old.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" Dib answered, holding his hands up in a placating gesture "I was just worried" in the back of his mind he wondered if perhaps he was dealing with a human child, if a fairly young one, that would explain how they didn't recognise his species.

"You didn't scare me, you startled me" they objected "There's a big difference between scaring and startling" The supposed child stood and brushed off their clothes, which Dib could now see in more detail: the baggy red garment ended around the knees and had several large black spots tacked on to it, the hood was black as well and seemed to have been recently added, going by the lesser amount of wear on the fabric.

They seemed to be dressed for cold weather with little knitted black gloves peeking out of the long sleeves (and for some reason mittens attached to that). The child's shoes, which were a couple sizes too large, and what was either pants or knee high socks, it was hard to tell as the top went all the way past their knees, were black as well.

"My mistake, I didn't mean to _startle_ you" Dib was humouring the child, or at least he was fairly sure they had actually been frightened "That's an interesting outfit you're wearing, is it for something special?" He added, not so much to make conversation as to get answers; if this really was a child, imaginary or not, they shouldn't be out here alone, with any luck he'd be able to find where they were supposed to be and drop them off on the way to find Zim.

"It's my halloween costume, I'm a lady bug" Halloween, so this was a human child. "See? I added the mittens because ladybugs are insects and insects have six legs" they said proudly, gesturing to the mittens, attached to the sleeves by a clip and with a string connecting the mittens to the pockets.

"Very nice, but don't you think your parents will be worried if you go trick or treating by yourself?"

"My parents were _supposed_ to take me, but they didn't show up" The child sulked "They called and said they had to finish a project, so I'm going to where they work instead"

Dib had to work very hard to keep his features as they were; this was a terrible idea on so many levels "Where do they work?" he asked "I'm going to take you there, no offense, but a little kid shouldn't be traveling alone, especially at night"

"I'm not little! I'm six and a half!" the child objected; they were a very small six and a half, despite being about two years older than Gir, they didn't look that much taller. "I'm old enough to go to school by myself, and it's about the same distance"

"My mistake" Dib said trying to mask the undertone of insincerity; he knew young children tended to overestimate their own abilities, having been a repeat offender in that regard himself once, but there was a huge difference between taking the school bus to school and taking the city bus across town at night, especially without their parents knowing. "How about I just keep you company then? Traveling can get boring by yourself"

The child gave what he assumed was an appraising look, it was hard to tell with the hood hiding their face, before giving an answer "Fine, you can come" Phew, they bought it.

"Great, let's go- uh, do you want to tell me your name?"

"No" the child answered flatly.

"O...k...then" Dib sighed to himself, this was going to be a long trip.

* * *

"And that's the story of the pigeon dream! Ta-da!" Gir finished as they left yet another house. Gaz stared at the child in utter shock at what he had just relayed to her, with no part of his tone and body language suggesting he had any idea how profoundly disturbing it was.

"That...That was horrible" she said before a subtle smile spread across her face. "It'll make great DLC. Let me know if you have any more"

"Okie Dokie!" Gir chirped "It was fun getting to tell you all of it, usually Zim doesn't let me get too far, then he pretends he's angry about it"

Gaz nodded "So you said"

"You're a lot like him" Gir mused "A lot of the time when he sounds angry he's really sad, or scared, or something and trying to pretend he's not, like when you pretended you didn't want to go do halloween stuff"

Alright, that actually freaked her out, far more than 'the pigeon dream' had. Sure, if his brother used the same emotional filter as she did it would make sense he'd be good at reading it, but still, he didn't have to say it so casually.

"I wish he wouldn't though, I understand, but everyone else doesn't, so sometimes I worry about him" a pensive silence followed for a minute before being broken again by Gir "Ooh lookit! Those guys are throwing eggs! Can we throw some?"

"Why not?" Gaz said, quietly eager to steer the conversation away from Gir's analysis; seriously, the boy could have a future as a therapist.

* * *

Dib & the child had been walking for some time and the trip had settled into a state of relative calm, or at the very least the child had stopped complaining about being escorted, and nothing had attacked the two of them. They had been keeping to paths with a lot of street lamps, the light did nothing to stop the creatures attacking, but it made them easier to spot.

Still, the trip to find both Zim and wherever this child's parents worked was slow, in no small part due to the nature of where they were; by blending the perspectives of two different people, elements of both were duplicated and combined without any coherent pattern. Some parts of the area they lived in looked a bit more cohesive, a bit more like the real thing, but it was still skewed by what they did and did not notice in real life. Dib suspected that even if he and Zim had grown up together, in the same place, at the same time, that this would still happen, but it didn't stop it from being really inconvenient right now.

It didn't help that the child with him didn't seem to know where they were going to either.

Speaking of which, Dib still hadn't made any real progress in figuring out their identity; if he could at least figure out who this person was it might help him find where they needed to go, but he wasn't getting anything he could work with. 'A big, wide, light gray building' wasn't a lot to go on.

Even worse his imagination was starting to run away with him: they celebrated halloween, so that probably meant a human, but he couldn't really think of a person that matched, or at least none of the first graders were dressed as ladybugs as far as he knew. Then again he wasn't especially familiar with the first grade class, which was also a strike against one of them being the mystery child; he was fairly sure a person that barely left an impression on him wouldn't be this developed in his mind world.

There was the possibility this was somebody Zim knew, for a minute his imagination had run wild and speculated that this was a former classmate that had gone missing in first grade. Given the circumstances Dib found them under it wouldn't be too big of a stretch to think the child had gone looking for their parents and had an accident, especially with the laissez faire way people here seemed to handle emergencies.

But that morbid line of thinking was stopped by what Skoodge had said about Zim; namely that he had been fairly antisocial for his entire academic career, preferring to keep people at arm's length and be the subject of one sided admiration. Odds were he wouldn't have been that close to anyone back then, or at least Skoodge would have mentioned something this big.

Maybe this _was_ from his own mind after all, it could have been that he was thinking of a character from a book or movie that just wasn't coming to mind now.

Any attempt at conversation was cut off as one of the monsters leapt out at them. The child, despite their initial claims, shrieked in terror and buried their face into Dib's side while the Vortian wrapped a protective arm around them. Dib quickly scanned for a place they could escape to and as luck would have it, he spotted the perfect place: his childhood home.

"Come on" he urged as he picked up the child and ran towards the house, the door opened easily for him and in just a few seconds they were safely indoors and under the protection of the finest security system his father could build. "We should be safe in here" Dib sighed as he sank to the floor in relief.

Relief that was short lived as an indigo faced monster with lightning bolt horns floated into the room, its stark white lab coat made it look even more like a spector, as did the thick lenses obscuring its eyes.

"Hello, my little disappointment" it greeted in a voice Dib recognised, despite the comparative rarity of the times he'd heard it in person growing up: this was his dad, or at least a nightmarish version of him. By his side was a smaller, yet similar looking apparition that could only have been Gaz's counterpart, his theory was confirmed when she threatened him in what was clearly his sister's voice.

"I thought you said this place was safe!" the child cried in dismay.

"It's alright, that's just my dad & sister" Dib reassured "They won't hurt you, don't be scared"

"I'm not scared!" they said defensively, despite the fact that they were clearly trembling as they held onto Dib's coat.

Dib chose not to comment, instead focusing on the realisation that just struck him "That's right, they _are_ just my dad & sister, and this is not what my real family is like!" The two monsters froze as he said this "These are just monsters based on how I saw them growing up! My Dad doesn't think I'm a disappointment, I used to think he did, but he just didn't know how to handle me" It felt as if the entire room was holding it breath as Dib spoke.

"We look alike, but we didn't think alike. I was always more like my mom, but he always tried connecting on his terms, and for awhile he was afraid to connect at all" he took a deep breath to keep the rush of emotions in check "Sure, he made some mistakes, some really big ones, but...He loves me, he always loved me" he smiled warmly at the creature as its' fearsome façade melted away and revealed his true appearance: an older Vortian man, one that didn't look too different from Dib.

"Gaz too; she used to terrify me when we were kids, especially since she threatened me a lot back then" he explained as he turned to her "But we've grown up since then, and I know now that she'd never actually hurt me" he gave his sister's counterpart a sympathetic smile. "She usually wasn't really angry either, but she acted angry because she didn't want to show how sad she was" Now Gaz's counterpart transformed, changing from a monster to as she was now, intimidating, but in a way that was reassuring to have on your side.

"I guess I just built up those versions of them in my head based on how I saw them back then and couldn't let go" he took a deep breath as he struggled to find the words "When I was a kid something…unfair happened, and none of us coped with it well"

"Did your Mom die?" The child asked bluntly enough that Dib was taken aback; they certainly didn't pull any punches, did they? "You said you had one, but she's not here" The child explained "And you hesitated, most people get weird talking about death around me because they think I'm too young to know. My parents are the only ones who don't"

"Yes...Yes she did" Dib replied, still more than a little surprised; this child didn't come off as somebody who had lost a person they were close to, but he wondered exactly why they were so matter of fact about it. "After that happened was when things started to go wrong; my dad wasn't home as often, my sister was always angry, and I…I didn't have anyone to talk things through with" Another deep breath.

"Without my mom, there was no one steering me away from acting on some really bad ideas, and it took a long time for me to start doing it myself" perhaps he was monologuing, but this was the first time he'd talked about it in…possibly ever. "I let my imagination run away with me because I desperately wanted to find _something_, so I saw everything as being more fanciful than it was"

Dib gasped as everything clicked "Or worse than it was!" The monsters! It wasn't just nightmare Bitters and these two, all of them were based on people he knew. That was why the first one was so familiar, now that he thought about it, it was that guy that trained animals and kept having them jump on him, which would explain why the voice sounded so high pitched; that guy had moved away before starting puberty, in Dib's head he still had a child's voice.

But if he could turn his father and sister's monsters into their normal selves, he could do this with the other ones. His face lit up as a grin spread across it, the monsters were in his head, there may be a lot of things he hadn't been able to control, but one thing he definitely _could_ control was his own perspective.

"Let's go" he urged the child, despite their protests; apparently feeling safe had ignited their curiosity, as they were starting to explore the house. A quick glance at the hall table told Dib that he wasn't lucky enough for a copy of the device to be in his old home, but it didn't matter as much anymore as he all but leapt out of the house with a renewed sense of purpose, just stopping long enough to return the wave his family was giving him before heading off.

* * *

Traveling with Rei was strange to say the least, not just because she was some sort of memory ghost, but for the surreal experience of meeting a friend's parents for the first time. Zim's initial impression of her was that she reminded him of Gaz, minus the sharp edges, but now that he had spent some time with her, she seemed more like Dib, or at least their temperaments were similar, as were some of her expressions. Namely the one she was currently sporting as she looked through a set of binoculars from their vantage point on a hill, having apparently spotted something important.

"He figured it out!" she smiled in a way that looked jarringly similar to the one Dib gave during lessons in history or natural sciences.

"Figured what out?" Zim asked.

"Well, if I know my husband, and considering how long we were married for, I'd say I do know him" Rei began "This feature was probably meant to be used as a therapy tool. That means you have to address something that's been causing you distress to go home, at least enough to count as a good first step"

Her voice and expression took on a more serious tone "A lot of things went wrong after I...left. Everything left a strong impression on Dib to begin with, and with no one he could talk with about it, the monsters started showing up" Some of the smile returned to her face "He'd started improving a bit, but I think he's finally made a breakthrough"

"How am I supposed to leave then?" Zim interjected "I don't have anything like that!"

Rei disagreed, but realised trying to use words to convince the boy would be an exercise in futility "How about we go find Dib first? I'm sure together the three of us will find something" she offered. The boy begrudgingly agreed and the pair set off to find Dib.

* * *

So far, things had been going well. After realising what the monsters were, most would turn back as soon as he identified them, or at least would lose some of their power and then transform after he realised why they had behaved the way they did. All and all, Dib felt pretty good about how things were going, now he just needed to find Zim, drop the other child off, and figure out how to get back.

Or so he thought until a spindly limbed monster with a plastic looking face showed up.

This one he didn't recognise, it must have come from Zim's mind, which meant he probably needed Zim there to stop it; even more daunting was that he'd have to get him to acknowledge he was wrong about something to do so.

"Why isn't it disappearing!?" The child demanded with a note of panic as they grabbed onto Dib's coat "You got rid of the other ones!"

"This one's different" Dib answered, trying to sound in control to keep them calm "We'll have to avoid this one, to get rid of it we need-"

"Get out of my way, filthy bus dweller!" came the ever familiar voice as the monster simultaneously shrank and was pushed to the ground by Zim.

Dib called out to him in relief, then he spotted who was with him, everything seemed to stop for a brief moment before Dib found himself being pulled into the sort of hug he never expected to have again.

"Dib! My clever boy! You figured it out, I'm so proud of you!" Rei exclaimed as she pulled Dib closer and her hug was reciprocated "I've been waiting years for you to learn this!"

"Mom" Dib choked, of course it made sense there'd be a copy of her here, and while deep down he realised this was different from seeing her again in the outside world, it was no less welcome. He smiled as he let her familiar presence wash over him "I missed you"

"I know you did, look at how far you've come" she pulled back and smiled at Dib "You had a rough patch for a while, but you're finally traveling the universe like you wanted, following your dream"

Both of them shared a misty eyed smile before hugging again, staying like that for a few minutes, just being happy they were together for now. Despite having grown in the years since, Dib found it still felt the way he remembered, but he supposed that made sense, considering the circumstances.

"You already found what you were looking for, by the way" Rei whispered in Dib's ear

"What do you mean?" he asked as his mother pulled back again before giving him an enigmatic smile.

"Think about it, what were you _really_ looking for?"

"A way home of course" he replied "I was looking for it when Zim split off, then after I found the child who was with me, and because of them I figured out the thing with the monsters and- I never needed the device" Dib said as the pieces clicked into place "I just needed to change how I looked at things. Wait, how did you know that?"

"I think you know exactly how" Rei smiled "Think about it, how do you remember me?"

Dib thought about it for a moment before it clicked, and his eyes went wide in realisation; he always thought of her as perceptive and a problem solver. No matter what it was, she always seemed to know when something was bothering him and to have a solution, it made perfect sense that she would know what was happening and how to fix it. Even the way she spoke now made sense, she rarely handed him the answer unless it was something he couldn't figure out on his own, otherwise she'd ask him questions he could answer until he'd followed the trail of questions and answers to the solution.

While Dib and his mother shared a touching reunion, the child had run up to hug Zim, who quickly darted out of the way. This repeated a few times, with Zim protesting as he dodged the unwelcome show of affection, and the child became increasingly frustrated, but still insisted on the hug, eventually the commotion drew the attention of the two Vortians.

"And then there's this stubborn little nugget"

"For crying out loud, Zim! Just hug the kid already!" Dib interjected "You hug Gir when he asks you, why are you making such a big deal of this?"

"He doesn't need it! He's six and a half!" Zim shouted, dodging another attempted hug.

"That's not much older" Dib pinched the bridge of his nose "Besides, I think maybe you're supposed to; like how I was supposed to realise the monsters were just people to get home, whoever this guy is might be related to what you have to do"

Zim groaned in irritation before finally relenting and holding his arms open "Fine, come here" the child ran up and wrapped their arms around him with enough force to knock some of the wind out of him and squeezed as if Zim were the only thing in the world. The wind whipped around them, almost but not quite blowing back the child's hood as the portal back opened up underneath them. Zim & Dib found themselves dropped back on Dib's lawn, however the smaller child, and Rei, were nowhere to be seen.

Dib was the first to notice this as he blinked the dizziness away "Do you know who that-"

"He's fine! Don't worry about it!" Zim answered a little too quickly, and looking distracted.

"Are you alright, Zim?" Dib asked, concerned "You look upset, do you want to ta-"

"No, I do not want to talk, Dib!" Zim huffed as he rose to his feet and started home "I just want to go home, eat some candy, and try to forget this evening ever happened"

"Alright, if you're sure" Dib said, it was obvious there was more to this, but Zim was clearly in no mood to discuss it. "Don't forget you can call me if you change your mind" he called as the two of them went their separate ways.

Dib came to a sudden stop as the realisation struck him: _he_. How did Zim know the child was male? Even Dib hadn't known and he'd spent more time with him, furthermore, how did he know the child's age without having been there when it had been said? Unless...

Dib lingered on the front lawn a moment longer, staring at the neighbouring house and wondering just what happened to Zim back then.

* * *

Meanwhile Zim had practically thrown himself onto the sofa before wordlessly snatching the caramel filled chocolate bar Gir had offered him from the mountain of sweets in the living room, the sweet taste helping to placate his frayed nerves. Halloween left him on edge at the best of times and this year's had been especially stressful and being faced with what was literally a walking reminder of why he hated the holiday certainly didn't help.

His sulking was interrupted by Gir leaning against him "Didju have a bad night?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Gir" Zim scowled.

Gir looked at him thoughtfully for a second before speaking "Wanna hear about mine?"

"Sure, sure, whatever" Zim replied with a wave of the hand, letting himself sink deeper into the cushions.

"Gaz took me trick or treating, and we did lotsa fun stuff!" Gir started brightly. "We went to a haunted house, and got candy, and did vandalism!"

Zim nodded "That sounds nice, Gir" and for the most part he meant it.

"There's something else too" Gir said, a little sheepishly as he pulled a carton of eggs out from behind his back "I saved these, and there's still time, do you wanna throw 'em at Larb's house?" Zim paused for a moment; the memories of that one halloween hadn't gone away and probably never would, but then again, what he had faced tonight was far more intimidating than a bunch of people in costumes. And just because he had _some_ bad memories didn't mean he couldn't make better ones.

He smiled softly "We can take the Voot, perhaps we can play some tricks on him while we're at it" Gir's eyes lit up, Zim was really going to do halloween stuff with him! Once the older boy had finished his chocolate bar the two of them left to enjoy a little mischief making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you know what I meant about the timing, I originally thought this one would go up back in the early summer. The idea of the monsters being based off Dib's perception of real people, both in the story and original episode, was one I had for a while and made his side of things easier to figure out; letting go of the unhealthy way he used to look at things growing up has been a part of his character arc, so having him be faced with them and acknowledging that they were just people like him made sense as a next step. And of course, after what I had put in about his mother before, I just had let them have a nice reunion of sorts.
> 
> Zim's side of things was a bit trickier, but he's freaked out by Halloween in the show and I wanted to find a way to translate that here, despite him already knowing everything's fake. Hence little 6 and a half year old Zim going out alone to try and get his parents to take him trick or treating and traumatising himself in the process, I plan to detail it a little more in the prequel (yes, it's still going, I'm just having a little trouble with the third chapter), it'll probably be chapter 7. Gir's memories of last year's Halloween are a nod to one of the RPs my friend RissyNicole did a couple of years ago with Aliiienation; the halloween one is my favourite of the three, so I couldn't resist slipping it in.
> 
> Thank you for all of your support this past year, everyone, reading your comments always make my day and I'm hoping the next year will be just as great.
> 
> As usual, stay safe everyone and I'll see you soon (-^.^-)


	24. The Big Old Mooch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter I want to open with another thank you to everyone reading: the people who commented regularly, the ones who have been cheering me on since the beginning (and a couple of you even earlier than that), the ones who don't have an account on either website and either comment anyway or just enjoy it quietly. The ones who pick up on the smaller details, who have drawn fanart for me, and the ones I haven't heard from in a while (I hope you guys are doing alright), and the ones who haven't felt ready to reach out yet. I love and appreciate all of you (-^.^-)
> 
> So we had the Halloween one already, but this one is still thematically fitting as we cover Mortos Der Soulstealer. This one took quite a while to write and the script book was actually a huge help in helping it click since that was one of the episodes covered and talked about the idea that sparked the episode.
> 
> And a quick note about the opening, for the longest time I thought Mortos said "When the moon aligns" which ended up in the finished chapter with it being the third celestial body seen in his explanation, and the second one he mentions being interpreted as an ancient name for Neptune since one of the celestial bodies looks very similar to it and Pluto really was in Neptune's orbit pattern and left it in 1999, shortly before the show aired and still recently now, at least by cosmic standards.
> 
> And small disclaimer, I've only gone bowling twice, but the shoe thing is really weird.

At the far reaches of Earth's solar system, Neptune was moving into alignment with the lone moon of the third planet in the star system, something that happened often enough, but was special in this case. First, it was within a few years of exiting its crossed orbit with Pluto, once again being the 8th planet. Second it was in line with an even more distant star. And finally the full surface of Earth's moon was visible from the planet's surface, a combination of factors that only occurred once a millennium.

* * *

On Earth, two children were walking through town, towing a large cardboard box. It wasn't especially late in the day, but the time of year made it so that the sun was already setting and the sky was almost entirely deep blue with a handful of stars managing to overcome light pollution and shine along with the full moon.

"Stop Gir, this one's next" Zim said in what passed for a whisper by his standards, before reaching into the box, pulling out a round angry looking fuzz ball and tossing it through a window of the house.

He gave a small, satisfied nod as a light switched on and the sound of a panic ensued; with everything that happened lately, it had been a while since the last time he'd gotten to actually carry out a proper plan. While clearly none of the previous ones had worked exactly as he'd hoped, it was nice to be at it again, and this one he was especially confident in. Using genetically enhanced vermin, this plan could easily be adjusted to any part of the world….Except Alberta Canada, but he had plenty of other places to work with before that became an issue.

As the pair walked past the local retirement home, their attention was caught by something happening in the cemetery across the street and they climbed through the gate to get a better look.

Shadows gathered seemingly from all over town, possibly further, in the middle of an empty patch in the graveyard before an otherworldly green light escaped from the ground, forming what looked like the shape of a jack-o-lantern smile before the ground crumbled inward. Then what appeared to be ghosts glowing in the same green colour flew out and formed a tornado reaching into the sky as the two children watched from behind a nearby tombstone.

Time was when this would have bothered Zim on some level that he preferred not to acknowledge and he would have attempted to cover his unease with a layer of false bravado. However, after the events of the past several months, especially Halloween, he just watched impassively as specters whirled around and a large figure emerged from the fissure.

Or rather, was tossed out and landed face first on the grass.

A flash of lightning went off in the distance as the figure rose, revealing a towering man, large in both height and width, with long, greasy black hair that hung all the way down to his chest. His pale skin contrasted with both his hair and his dark coloured outfit; consisting of a coat, vest, and trousers, all of which looked like they had seen far better days.

He looked like some horrible fusion of a mall goth and that one hobo who often hung around the Broken Arms hotel downtown.

Zim was quietly glad he had kept his composure, whoever this was, he was rather anticlimactic when compared to the light show that came before him. Or at least he kept it until he noticed the commotion had knocked over the box and the rats inside scurried away.

"My vermin!" Zim exclaimed before storming up to the large man.

"Hey!" He shouted, staring up at the man "Hey! Hey! Over here! Hey! Hey! Look at Zim!" he jumped and waved around to try and catch his attention before the man finally looked down.

"Oh, hello tiny scream boy" The man said, waving at the scowling child.

"You scared away my mutant vermin! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take to replace them!? Uh-"

"I am Mortos der Soulstealer!" The man declared, punctuated by another flash of lightning in the background "Once every thousand years the planets align, allowing me to escape to overworld for the day. When I do grown men and women flee in terror, small children cry and drop ice cream cone, flocks of birds fly away and soil statues in fear of Mortos de Soulstealer!"

"You've gots to grant someone a wish too!" Gir interjected "Just like in the story!" He received a pair of confused looks in response as he pulled a picture book out of his backpack. Sure enough, the cover featured Mortos, albeit a highly stylised version of him with big eyes and rosy cheeks; somebody had actually managed to make Mortos look cute.

"Sees? It says that Mortos lives in the spooky realm full of ghosts and monsters and stuff" Gir said, pointing to an illustration of cute-Mortos surrounded by equally stylised monsters, ghosts, and skeletons. "And every thousand years he gets to visit our world, but only for one day" Pages flipped, and now cute-Mortos was walking through a human village.

"Before he can go home he has to grant somebody one wish" Several pages were flipped past to show the image of cute-Mortos with a human, a small gift box appeared in front of the human in a puff of smoke. "But using his magic makes him tired, so he has to go back home to sleep after" A few more pictures showed cute-Mortos, now looking drowsy, waving goodbye to the human and going home, with the final picture showing him in bed with a hairy, fanged monster curled up underneath like a pet and the words 'Good Night Mortos'.

"Is true" Mortos admitted in a begrudging tone that Zim completely ignored.

"I wish to rule the world and be lord of all humans!" The older boy immediately piped up, waving his hand is if he were answering a question in class

"Is not that simple" Mortos said "Mortos been away a thousand years, first need to recharge Mortos' power"

"It's true" Gir nodded in agreement "It says so in the book"

A pained look crossed Zim's face: typical, people were always making things difficult. Still, this was a great opportunity, surely whatever he had to do to get his wish granted couldn't be _that_ onerous, could it?

"And just how do you restore your power?"

* * *

Zim stood by the counter at the MacMeaties, crossing his arms and scowling as best he could with one hand holding a cloth over his mouth and nose. His eye twitched in irritation as he listened to Mortos and Gir placing their orders; in the past few minutes he'd heard the word meat a ridiculous number of times, and he was not looking forward to enduring sitting beside them while they ate.

Once the order was placed he begrudgingly paid and took his seat, silently cursing that all the tables were essentially the same size and could only sit so far away.

A few minutes later the so-called food had arrived and Zim glared at the trays as he used his free hand to hold up the laminated menu as a makeshift shield against the stray flecks of meat. Unfortunately this didn't leave him with any hands free to block the obnoxious sound of the pair eating; Gir he could understand, but how did a man who was millenia old not know to chew with his mouth closed?

"Hey! You took my appley pie!" Gir cried, pulling his older brother out of his mortified stupor.

"Mortos sorry, you want half that's left?" Mortos said, offering the remaining half of the hand pie which was dripping with a revolting mixture of saliva and barbecue sauce. At first Gir reached for it before stopping himself and slumping over sadly in his seat.

"Teacher said if you bite it, it's your's" Gir sighed sadly "Big brother, can you get me another one?"

"You still have the rest of your order, finish that first" Zim replied. He supposed it was progress on Gir's part, and under normal circumstances he would reward this, but he didn't want to be there longer than necessary; he didn't like going to the MacMeaties at the best of times, let alone the one that got destroyed during career day. "Besides we have real apple pie at home"

It was no secret that the 'appley pie' offered by MacMeaties was called such because it contained no real apples, just apple cinnamon flavoured puree of a similar colour and texture, usually a slurry of napkins and artificial flavouring. Hence the name; it was called 'appley' pie to tell customers that the apples were only implied and to prevent a lawsuit from anyone expecting a proper apple pie. Even so, nobody seemed the slightest bit bothered by the knowledge they were essentially eating apple flavoured papier mache wrapped in oil soaked dough.

It wasn't that Zim objected to artificial flavourings, with some flavours he actually preferred them to the real thing, but he had his limits. He wasn't sure where exactly he drew the line with them, but eating gross paper mush was firmly on the wrong side of it. Thus, he endured the restaurant until Gir had finished eating and Mortos' pile had been whittled down enough to be carried outside.

* * *

Things improved considerably after leaving the enclosed space of the MacMeaties for the open air outdoors, especially since this gave Zim the option to walk slightly upwind of Mortos and his fast food pile where the smell was less of a problem. By this point, it had been a while since they left and Zim could no longer hear what chewing sounds carried over the noise of the traffic, perhaps he was finished.

"Mortos, are you ready ye-" as he turned to look back, he saw that Mortos was nowhere to be found and felt a rising sense of panic. He quickly looked around for him, subconsciously noting how strange it was that the street was completely devoid of cars despite the noise, before he felt a tug on the hem of his tunic.

"He went that way" Gir said, pointing at a shop that seemed to specialise in dark coloured clothing, Zim grabbed the pointing hand and led his younger brother towards the store, kicking the door open and shouting to announce his presence.

"What are you doing!?"

"Mortos is trying on rubber pants!" Mortos responded equally loudly, yet none of the other patrons or staff seemed the slightest bit phased, in part due to the death metal that was regularly blaring through the overhead speakers.

"How are rubber pants supposed to recharge unearthly dark powers!?" Zim shouted in reply. Behind him Gir had latched onto the term 'rubber pants' and was proceeding to get a pair off the rack and roll it into a ball which he bounced around the store.

"When Mortos look good, Mortos feel good"

The sales clerk seized the opportunity to try and make another sale, offering to bring him a leather jacket to replace the fraying coat Mortos wore. Zim grumbled under his breath at the delay but allowed it to happen if it meant getting his wish granted sooner, besides Mortos' current pants were clearly too small for him. At least this way he wouldn't have to spend the remaining time until Mortos charged with the man's heart patterned underwear in full view, right at eye level.

"Fine, buy your squeaky pants" Zim sighed with a wave of his hand before going to wrangle Gir "But hurry up!"

Hurry he did, as by the time the boy turned around, Mortos had run off out the door and down the street. Zim grabbed hold of Gir's toddler harness and ran to follow him out the door when the clerk stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going, kid?" The clerk asked "The pants aren't free you know"

Zim whipped around to face him "And how is that _my_ problem? I'm not the one who left wearing them, and he's the only one here old enough to be held legally responsible, in fact he's older than everyone in this building put together!" The boy's already thin patience was wearing down rapidly. "I know how stores work, just write it off as shrinkage!" He fumed before slamming the door behind him.

As soon as they were out the door, Zim began scanning the street for any trace of Mortos, fuming to himself that he couldn't find him.

"We should try over there!" Gir offered, pointing towards a near-by carnival.

"Gir, we don't have time for side trips" Zim sighed as his patients rapidly dwindled.

"It's not! Look!" Gir pulled out the book again and turned to a page showing cute-Mortos at a fair with several other humans "See? In the story going to the fair helps him recharge his magic"

"Where did you _get_ that?" Zim asked. Really, he probably should have wondered why a children's picture book about a creature of the nether world existed in the first place, and how Gir came to be so familiar with it and have a copy far earlier than he did, but he had a goal in mind and was prone to tunnel vision.

"Teacher read it to us for Halloween and let us borrow it, this week's my turn" Gir shrugged as he placed it back in the bag, before the two of them ran to the fairgrounds.

* * *

Once there, the two were greeted by the usual sights and sounds of a traveling carnival as bright lights blinked on and off, harkening back to an era when the presence of electric lights were still seen as a technological marvel, while simultaneously drawing attention away from the patches of rust on the structures they were mounted on. Loud music chimed from the rides, drowning out the unsettling creaks and groans of machines that had been disassembled and reassembled far more times than they should have been.

Even more lights and sounds came from the surrounding booths ones where you could play debatably winnable games to try and win questionably manufactured plush toys, or where you could buy equally questionable carnival food in your choice liver taxingly greasy, pancreas strainingly sugary, or both in the case of the deep fried snack-cake. Children ran around throughout the grounds, screaming either in delight or frustration out of having been denied whatever had grabbed their fleeting attention.

Through all this came the faint squeaking of someone walking with rubber pants on: Mortos

Despite the surrounding noise, it only took Zim & Gir a few minutes to track him down. When they found him, he was casually leaning against the side of a ticket booth, flirting with the bored looking young woman, as he used his magic to pick off bits of several peoples snacks.

"Mortos!" Zim shouted to get his attention

"Oh, hello. Mortos talking with new friend, Darlene" He replied with a friendly smile & wave as he gestured to a girl dressed in similarly dark coloured, ripped clothing with purple hair in a shade that was simultaneously bright and dark, tied in a messy ponytail, with heavy makeup accentuating the dark circles of sleep deprivation under her eyes.

"Hey there" Darlene droned, she lifted a hand in a half-hearted wave before returning to her previous position of practically falling asleep on her stand.

"You ran off on me!" The boy exclaimed in an annoyed tone that contrasted with everyone else, he pinched the bridge of his nose; this guy was even harder to deal with than Gir, at least Gir could be picked up and carried elsewhere.

"Mortos sorry, is just really hard to trust. When Mortos was little, have human friend who play games and sing songs with Mortos" The man said sadly "Mortos thought were friends but it was lie, he just visited Mortos for pony. Then left Mortos to play with Chuthulu because his pony not just bone that hurts to ride"

"But my saying upfront that I just want you to help me take over the world is fine, right?" Zim quickly interjected.

Mortos stared at Zim for a moment before replying "Mortos appreciate tiny scream boy's honesty"

"I'm starting to have some doubts about your's" Zim retorted, having already forgotten about the story "The fast food you ordered was disgusting but made sense, the pants were ridiculous but you needed new clothes anyway, but this-" he gestured to the lightbulb and rust encrusted panorama "This is just stupid! How is _any_ of this supposed to recharge your powers!?"

"You dare insult the pants and greasy meats of Mortos!?"

"Yes! Yes I do!" A more reasonable child would have at least paused to consider the consequences of arguing with what was basically a demon, but for better or worse, Zim never let a little thing like what was reasonable stop him.

"You can't insult Mortos! I am Mortos Der Soulstealer!"

"Are you? Because so far all you've done is try and get me to buy you….stuff" Zim shot back, unable to help himself from ratcheting up the argument, not that he had wanted to. "The book says you're supposed to be able grant me a wish, but you haven't given me proof that you can! Or that you're anything but a big, old mooch!"

"Fine! You want see power? I show you power!" Mortos roared.

Thunder and lightning flashed in the distance, illuminating the clouds that swirled overhead as Mortos's hands began glowing with an eerie, unnatural light that shot off in several directions and caused everything it touched to spring to aggressive life. All around, balloons grew lack-o-lantern faces as they tried and generally failed to drag people away, game prizes rampaged, and fissures opened up in the ground, allowing spectors to fly after the terrified crowd.

Several of the rides were impacted as well, the carousel horses began to thrash about, attempting to throw off their riders, while the previously fiberglass dragon's head on the roller coaster roared. But most impressively the entire swing chairs ride came to life, its chairs turned into hands that dropped its passengers from a mercifully short height before stomping off to fight a similarly animated piece of construction equipment.

The two machines grappled several yards away, driven by a primal instinct to fight, with the carnival ride gaining the initial advantage. Only to have one of its arms fly off when it wound up to deliver a punch, once again due to poor maintenance. It looked flustered for a moment before running off to retrieve the limb while the construction equipment waited for it to return and continue the fight, impatiently tapping its shovel on the ground after a minute or so. Evidently patience was not one of its strong suits.

"Why didn't you show me that before!?" Zim exclaimed with wide-eyed excitement, he really _did_ have a powerful wish-granting monster "Never mind. Mortos! I wish to be supreme ruler of all humanity!"

"Sorry, Mortos use all power with that" The giant replied groggily.

"You mean to tell me this was an either or thing!? Why didn't you just grant my wish then!?"

Mortos just shrugged before muttering "Mortos so tired" and a glowing portal opened beside him.

"Oh no you don't!" Zim interjected as he pushed Mortos away from the portal and waved his hand to shoo it away, which amazingly worked "I never _asked_ you to use your magic on the carnival, which means you still haven't granted a wish yet" He added with a smug little grin while he sprayed disinfectant on his gloves; it didn't matter how powerful he was, Mortos was still a slob.

"Well, alright. If you help Mortos recharge again" Mortos replied after taking a minute to think it over; really he had no choice in the matter and it was just for sow. One of the conditions was that he needed to grant a wish, and that was all there was to that, and frankly at this point the odds of him finding somebody willing to put up with the recharging process were rather low. "Deal?" he asked as he reached his hand out to Zim, having to bend over slightly.

"Very well" Zim answered, spraying the hand with cleaner instead of shaking it, before shouting over his shoulder "Gir! Come back here! And leave the apple alone! You know better than to try eating things that can bite you!"

"OK" Gir sighed before abandoning his chase. He had been disappointed when Mortos' magic had hit the candy apple booth, causing the inventory to all grow fangs and bounce off, but after finding one he decided he may as well try and catch it, with no success.

And with that the three of them left for their next destination.

* * *

The next few hours were more of the same as Zim was dragged all over town by his two charges, leaving him as the only one not enjoying a tour through the town that most children would have loved. Unfortunately Zim's single mindedness, combined with different tastes from his peers, meant that it just felt like an unpleasant slog he had to go through to get his goal at the end.

A bit more time had been spent at the carnival before moving on to the other stops: Toy stores, tourist traps, a movie theater where Mortos was initially disappointed that the advertised "Arachniman" movie's protagonist was considerably more human than he'd been expecting, but he still enjoyed it in the end.

And then there was _the bowling alley_.

The bowling alley had been by far the worst part of the excursion. The bowling balls themselves weren't too bad, a little disinfectant and Zim would have been fine playing too, regardless of how many had done so before him. No, the real moment of shock and horror came when the employee told him he had to _rent his shoes_; these people genuinely expected him to not only wear shoes that thousands of strangers had worn before him, with questionable sanitation between, but to _pay_ for the experience.

Suffice to say, he had spent the trip in the carpeted area, drinking a slushy, playing the handful of arcade games, and reading a book he'd had in his backpack while Gir & Mortos enjoyed their game. The lattermost of which earnt him confused stares from the other patrons who couldn't wrap their heads around somebody reading in a bowling alley, and momentarily questioned whether they really _were_ looking at a human child.

Currently the boy was walking down the street, holding Gir's toddler harness in one hand and giving non-committal half-responses while his travel companions spoke, looking for all the world like a tired parent, despite one of his charges being considerably older than he was.

"Big brother, can we get an ice cream?" Gir asked, looking over his shoulder.

"I told you to get something at the bowling place" Zim sighed as he pinched his brow "I even offered to get you a slushy and you said no"

"Because it didn't have apple, I didn't get to have my pie so I really want apple" Gir replied with a slight whine in his voice.

"We should be able to go home soon, you can have some of the pie in the fridge" Zim answered tiredly "Mortos, are you almost charged yet?" All traces of fatigue had vanished as he turned and realised Mortos was nowhere to be seen, he gave a growl of frustration and punched & kicked at the air before scanning the streets in search of the man.

Fortunately, he didn't have to look long before he spotted the now familiar large figure standing in the doorway of the 24-hour pet and soda shop. He wasn't a patient child at the best of times and this entire evening had burnt through what little of the trait he possessed, at this moment it didn't matter how powerful Mortos was, he'd make him regret messing with him.

* * *

"MORTOOOOOS!" Zim stormed through the doors of the pet shop like a speeding vehicle "You dare leave Zim behind!? After I- Gir! Don't eat that filth! It's for the dogs, and we have real food at home!" He turned back from his brief tangent to shoot Mortos a look of unbridled fury "I have followed you around all night! I've taken you everywhere you've asked, bought you every kitchy piece of garbage you've wanted, and _THIS_ is how you repay me!?"

"You're scaring puppies" Mortos objected, hugging the curiously round puppies he had been playing with close to him "There, there, puppies"

"Hey, is this guy with you?" The clerk asked, his annoyed expression contrasting with his uniform: an apron with a few paw prints in bright soda-inspired colours on it and a hat with two puppies strapped to the sides "This guy's already made a huge mess and he hasn't bought anything"

"Silence Puppy drone! This doesn't concern you!" Zim snapped, giving the clerk a withering glare, causing him to sink back behind the counter.

"Mortos almost charged though, just need one more thing" Mortos smiled gesturing to the soda dispenser.

A pained expression crossed Zim's face but he eventually relented "Do you promise this is the last one?"

Mortos nodded and grinned excitedly with an expression that looked horribly out of place on him.

"Fine, but after that you're granting my wish, understand?" Zim received more eager nodding in return as he begrudgingly purchased the soda, which seemed to placate the clerk, something that was rather discouraging considering it was a $2 purchase.

Had he thought about it, Zim might have appreciated the fact that his family circumstances meant that his parents would likely never see the charges to the account, and that said charges wouldn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

* * *

This was it, and it had better be it, he was just one bucket sized soda away from getting his wish granted.

It was a bit annoying that Mortos had ordered the largest size the store offered, but far from the worst he'd had to endure tonight, and wasn't a particularly big delay considering Mortos was continuously drinking it. Besides, in all fairness, Zim constantly looking over to see if he was finished yet would have gotten on most people's nerves, so it all balanced out in the end.

While he waited, Zim found himself feeling strangely anxious, more than he was expecting to. It wasn't so much the feeling some experienced of wanting something for a long time and feeling slightly intimidated when they were about to get it, nor the implications of what ruling the world entailed sinking in, more the tension of adding the last few details to a project and having the risk of ruining it all at the final step hanging over you.

Once fully charged, Mortos would essentially be a walking, magic time-bomb; the set back earlier had been bad enough and he had seen plenty of stories about careless fools who had the opportunity to have a wish granted, just to waste it on an umbrella or something because they couldn't stop themselves from commenting how they wished they had one when it started raining.

No, the moment Mortos was charged, Zim would make his wish without any risk of things going wrong, until then he would keep a close eye on him to make sure he'd be able to.

That didn't stop the other eye from picking up a small blur of motion.

When he turned to look at the source he saw a familiarly spherical rat standing in the middle of the sidewalk, right in his path as if it were waiting for him. It wasn't too difficult to recognise it as one of his own that had escaped earlier.

"So you decided to return home, did you?" Zim asked as he looked down at the rodent "You had your chance, I have another option for world domination now, but I suppose I can allow you to come back with me" he reached down to the rat with a haughty expression that told the rat it should feel honored by the invitation. It failed to look suitably honored.

To Zim's credit, he managed to keep his composure far better than most adults would have when faced with the rat squeaking in a cadence not too far off his own dramatic exclamations, and summoning the other escaped rodents behind it.

"What!? You dare turn against _me_? Your creator and vermin lord!?"

The rat nodded before ordering the other rats to attack, cheeky little thing, wasn't it? Zim had to wonder where it learnt to behave like that, probably Gir, either way it would have to wait for the moment.

"Gir, climb the lamp!" Zim instructed in a tone that left no room for argument as he grabbed a nearby broom and prepared to fight the vermin uprising. Yes, the rats had been clean when they were taken out of the house, but who knew what they had gotten into since escaping.

Both sides stared each other down for a moment before the first rat leapt up and Zim blocked it with the broom, having to dodge another one a moment later. The whole display looked considerably less concerning than a child being attacked by rats should be, and more like he was dancing with a broom and screaming as big, messy pom-poms bounced at him. All the while Mortos stood a few feet away, lazily watching the entire mess.

"Mortos almost ready!" He called as Zim continued to fight the rats.

"Tell me when you are, I should be finished by then!" Zim called again, using the broom to shoo several rats away. Nearly a minute passed like this before the pattern of yelling, squeaking, and drinking through a straw was broken by the loud noise of the last bits of liquid in a cup being exhausted.

"Ok, Mortos charged now! What was your wish again?"

No answer came as Zim continued his struggle against the rodent hoards.

"Hello? You ready yet?" Mortos asked, waiting a moment before asking "Uh, you need help with those?"

"That won't be necessary!" Zim interjected, the last thing he needed was Mortos using his magic to get rid of the rats, it was already a big enough pain that they showed up when they did. But knowing he could make his wish now just made it even more stressful, Zim gave a groan of irritation before deciding he could swing the broom just as well talking as not "Alright! My wish is-"

"I wish I had me some ice cream!"

Zim whipped around to face the source of the voice, a man standing on the street corner, then turned to see Mortos glowing with magic.

"Mortos, don't you dare" he warned. The rats, having spent their entire lives in Zim's home, recognised what was about to happen and wisely decided to scatter.

"Your wish is granted!" Mortos declared as he opened a portal and a spectral ice cream vendor emerged, surrounded by tiny monster children. The vendor walked up to the man, pulled a plastic carton of ice cream out of the trolly and handed it to him, before walking away through another portal along with the monster children and possibly a few human ones, sometimes it could be hard to tell.

The mortified look on Zim's face morphed into one of pure rage "Mortos! You parasitic sack of meat! How could you do this to me!?"

"Sorry, magic just slipped out" Mortos shrugged apologetically as he gathered up his belongings "Good luck tiny scream boy, see you in a thousand years" With that, a portal opened up just long enough for Mortos to disappear, leaving Zim to punch, kick and yell at the ground where the portal had been while Gir waved goodbye from his place on the lamp.

For a moment Zim gave some rather serious thought to hijacking some of the nearby construction equipment to dig down after Mortos, but just as quickly realised that he probably wasn't literally underground, and instead focused his attention on the man who had stolen his wish.

"_You_" Zim spat, the slow boil was audible in his voice and made the man shrink back slightly "Do you have _any_ idea what you have done!?"

Normally this individual would have a snarky retort ready, or at the very least some response to show that he wasn't cowed by a tiny child, but this one....this one scared him. Somehow, in a matter of seconds Zim managed to low sweep the man's feet, jump up to kick him in the solar plexus as he fell, and snatch the tub of ice cream out of his hands.

"Here, Gir. Food" Zim said in a flat, irritated tone. Gir immediately slid down the lamppost, ran up, and opened the lid, when he reached his hand towards the ice cream inside a spoon magically materialised in his hand.

"Ooh!" Gir squealed before dipping the spoon in and taking a bite "Mm! It tastes like apple cinnamon nightmares!" He chirped before reaching his hand to make another spoon appear and holding it towards Zim "Want some?"

"Eh, sure, why not?" Zim shrugged, still deeply annoyed and disappointed, as he scooped out a spoonful of ice cream and popped it in his mouth. His eyes went wide as he realised he wasn't tasting apple cinnamon at all, but neapolitan, neapolitan with all three flavours in one spoonful no less. Looking in the container, the surface of the ice cream was completely smooth the way a freshly opened container was, but seemed to be regular vanilla.

Zim experimentally dipped the spoon back in and as soon as he scooped it out, the missing spoonful was restored while the contents of his own spoon transformed into the Neapolitan flavour he had wanted, he held the spoon for a minute and the ice cream didn't melt until he put it in his mouth.

Alright, he had to admit infinite magic ice cream was a decent consolation prize.

A quick check of the time showed it was surprisingly early, just a little past 8 due to the time of year and resulting early sunset, so the two of them decided to go home and perhaps enjoy some stargazing. Dib had mentioned setting up the telescope for the evening, likely to watch the same astronomical event that had summoned Mortos, and would probably still be there.

Besides, magic ice cream or no, Zim was not especially pleased with Mortos and welcomed the opportunity to vent, and in a happy coincidence the Vortian would probably enjoy hearing about his encounter with the supernatural. Not to mention he had a few questions he wanted to ask; he'd come across a few pieces of technology in his ship's data banks that caught his attention and this was the last push he needed.

Mortos had said he'd see him in a thousand years, and when he did Zim would be there, ruling the world and ready to rub it in his face that he'd done it without his help. So would Gir, and anyone else who he'd deemed important enough to him, but for now there was stargazing to do and ice cream to enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....I have to admit when I wrote the words "Infinite magic ice cream" my first thought was "We're taking a trip into season one Gravity Falls territory now", but at least it makes whatever flavour you feel like having....Gir's going to make so many strange flavoured spoonfuls of ice cream with this thing.
> 
> But I really like getting to do these ones where we switch who interacts with a one-shot character, especially since Zim's patience just burns up much faster, so he ends up escalating things and picking fights with everyone; he isn't just frustrated his wish was stolen, he's ready to fight the guy that stole it (even if I had a hard time figuring out what would keep him occupied long enough for it to be stolen in the first place). Also we're actually fairly close to the time of year this chapter's supposed to take place in, I've gotten some work done on the Christmas one though at the rate we're going it'll post in January, unless I'm able to get a lot done really quickly. We'll see. I will say I'm really excited for that one.
> 
> Also I picture the storybook's art being in a similar style to Delhe-Dalim on tumblr
> 
> I think that's it for now, as usual, I'll see you soon everyone, and stay safe!


End file.
